Behavior Issues - How to Transition

[tharper001]

Well, the school issue is touchy.  Technically, we truly have no control over whether or not she does her assignments or studies for tests, etc. right now.  If we get her, you better believe that will change.

As for her study habits, she has none!  Absolutely none!  But there are wonderful learning centers out there that provide one on one help to encourage children with their education.  It's part of our parenting plan that we have provided our attorney.

And she will go... I don't care how much it costs because education is just too important.  And that will definitely be cause to terminate my marriage if this point is not strictly adhered to.  We can spend thousands hiring an attorney, and buying her computers and games, etc., we can certainly spend a few hundred here and there to provide her the proper tools to get a good education!

I totally agree with the rules issue.  No parent should ever cross one another in front of the children.  My parents did with my brother.  That's why he's 28, still lives at home (when he's not living with his present girlfriend),, pays no rent whatsoever, cannot maintain his bills, etc.  Because my parents never followed through with him, they crossed each other in front of him and they still do everything for him today!  I'm living proof of what a difference stern, disiciplined parenting makes in children!  

[dsm]

TH - it sounds to me like you and your DH need to have a SERIOUS heart-to-heart.  His disney-dad attitude/behavior is not going to be able to continue if/when this child comes to live with you.  And from what you describe, you are not going to be able to be giving her any direction/discipline.  He has created a princess mentality in her - what she wants, she gets.  He is going to have to be the one to un-do it.  And he has got to show you respect - back you up if you do ask her to do something; tell her that she cannot wear certain things; etc.  Otherwise, you have no credence at all in your home.  Some counseling should be going on for you and your DH right now - to come to a united front BEFORE anything happens with custody.

Good luck!

[tharper001]

What's really funny is that we got a phone call yesterday from her mother telling us that we could start our summer vacation, and could even have picked her up yesterday instead of as scheduled today.  Isn't this lovely??  Just thinks she can call us up and be "cooperative" and offer our summer vacation now.  At the drop of a hat.  

I was prepared for a battle last night, because I know my DH too well.  I figured he would drop everything and come up with a way to get.  The problem... he has to go to Atlanta for business on Monday morning, will be back on Wednesday, then we leave for Toronto for my business on Thursday and won't be back until the 29th... the day before our court date --which part of that court date will be to establish summer vacation because we hadn't had cooperation from the mother yet!  Convenient isn't it, to sound so sweet and so cooperative on the phone the week before the court date.

I guess I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt though... Per her demand that we call her back last night to confirm if this would good for us or not, my husband decided that he did not receive the message until today, and that he will be discussing this with this attorney today.  Obviously, we will not begin our two weeks or "even a month that would be fine with her" because of our pre-planned business trips.  And I think he is so upset because his daughter is not calling him, that he's finally realized that he can't jump every time they say to because it doesn't get him any more points with his daughter.  There may still be hope...

Who knows what will happen.  All I know, is I don't care what the attorney tells him, we better pick that child up today and have her back on Sunday as planned, and we will take the summer vacation that the attorney was planning on asking for in court on the 30th.  There is no way, even if he wanted to drop the child off at his dad's while we were out of town, that we are going to change our schedules to accommodate this woman.  It will be interesting to find out #1, did she leave this message hoping to show cooperation prior to court, #2, does she have a new attorney that advised her to do this, or #3, is there a new man in town -- because this is typical behavior when there is.  Get the child out of the house and pawn her off on daddy.

I personally think this goes a long way in showing just how unstable the mother is... considering, just 10 days ago, we had another message left on our voice mail by her telling my DH that she did not appreciate him having her child calling her at the last minute wanting to stay over on Sunday night and that he should understand the child had to be home by the court appointed time when scheduled, and that a month ago, we had another message that she left at 11:51 pm (after she had returned home from dinner with a friend -- child had been home since school let out all by herself until this time) saying that my DH was micromanaging, and she didn't know what he was trying to pull but that she would no longer accept phone calls from him AT ALL.!

It just keeps getting better and better.  What a soap opera!  Thanks to all of you for letting me vent.  I don't know what I'd do without you!

[lori_y]

oh man, what she is saying is the truth!!! trust me.  

[tharper001]

You all have been just so great with all of your advice.  And I'm not sure if you read my post about the phone call that we got yesterday about summer vacation.  If not, it's very interesting.  Anyway, I will try to make a long story short.

Mother called.  Said we could start summer vacation or if it wasn't good, to let her know and we'd schedule something.  My husband seemed as though he was going to do the right thing -- WAIT UNTIL THE COURT DATE ON THE 30TH as this is part of that court date... to establish summer visitation.  He was going to call the attorney, find out the best possible answer and call her back to let her know now is not a good time.  He has to go out of town on Monday, will be back on Wednesday and then we live on Thursday and will not be back until Tuesday, just in time for court on Wednesday.  

I knew in the back of my mind we may have a problem.  For the last five years, I have always had summer vacation thrown at me at the last minute.  I was never clued in.  And I told my best friend yesterday after I heard this phone call to watch what was going to happen.  It was going to be turned into that he needed to protect his daughter and that he would have her stay at her grandparent's house while we were out of town.  

I talked to him today, and he had not talked to the attorney.  He said he would call the mother at his convenience and that if the mother assumed that we were keeping her, and he went to drop her off on Sunday night and no one was there, then he would just deal with it.  I told him I disagreed and that plans were already made to go out of town and that he needed to call her right now and tell her that.  He told me he was paying thousands and thousands of dollars and was not going to make any phone call until talking to the attorney, and his decision would be based on that phone call.  Then he hung up on me.  I called him back and he asked me if anything he has done in the past would go against him in court, or if he would do anything to jeapordize this case.  I told him no, but that he would be losing a week with his child if he keeps her, it will be another feather to this woman because he's still jumping when she says how high, and that if I have to cancel this kid's dentist appointment in July... that will be the last time I ever make another appointment for her.  I asked him to call me once he had made a decision and he said he would.

Come late afternoon, still haven't heard a word... and I tell you, father's day or not... come Sunday night, that child better be back with her mother.  This is a fight he does not want, and I deserve more respect than this -- as does his father and his mother.  He just expects that because he feels he should jump at every beckon call that everyone else does to.  AND THIS STOPS RIGHT NOW!

Sorry just venting here!  This is crazy!

[Kitty C.]

Vent away, TH!!!!!!!!!!

You have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do.  And to tell you the truth, if it were me, come Sunday night I'd be putting the child in the car myself and driving her back to her mother personally.

You hit the nail on the head about him expecting everyone else to jump with him.  IMO, that's 'incredibly' selfish on his part and doing WAY too much damage to EVERY relationship he has.

But brace yourself, honey.  This ain't over by a long shot and I've got a feeling it's going to get MUCH nastier very quickly.  If you have an sure fired stress relievers, I'd be getting them out and warmed up...you're gonna need 'em to stay sane!

[DMcD]

I really, really feel for you. The hurt that you feel when something that you feel strongly about is ignored. After all, you aren't her "real" mother. You are ONLY his second wife and have no rights to make any decisions or have any input into her upbringing. Sound familiar? Eleven stressful, unhappy months I lived that reality. It sucks.

The only thing that I know for sure is that when you have problems (even itty bitty ones) when skids visit, those problems increase exponentially when they come to live with you. All their annoying habits, all the friction the child causes in your relationship, all the frustration with the BM - expect it to explode if she starts living with you. I tried to ignore it. I tried to work around it. I couldn't. It was too much to bear. Many people have made it work and I'm not saying you CAN'T but I am cautioning you that if you and your DH don't set the ground rules now, and adhere to them when she moves in, you are looking at the beginning of the end. The end of his desire to be CP or the end of your marriage or both. Keep on him and make yourself VERY clear on what you expect of him and SD and make sure he knows what they can expect from you. Best of luck to you.

[hagatha]

TH,

I have read all your posts about the conflict with your DH about His child, and it seems to me while you understand all the problems you are making excuses for his behavior. In order to resolve this, you will have to make HIM responsible for His child.

Once you have given him your advise and he Chooses to disregard what you have said, he is responsible for what happens. Believe me I do understand he will be hurt, and it is hard for you to watch, but until HE sees the problem you will be pounding you head against a wall that will Not break.

If he really believes that he and only he can properly parent his child, please allow him the dignity to do just that. He must parent this child by himself in order to see for himself the problem he is creating.

You may set the ground rules as to what you consider acceptable behavior in your home, but unless he agrees to inpliment those rules you will have to decline to participate. And you are within Your rights to force him to be the parent he Thinks he is. And by the same token you will be parenting your children as You see fit.

Every time and I mean Every time his child misbehaves, you let him handle it, including how she dresses. You must stop seeing her as a reflection of You and allow him to see her as a reflection of HIM. it will take time, but he Will see and change. But only if you allow him the opportunity to see.

I believe you can explain to him unless he backs you up with her, he will have to make arrangements for her care. Don't postpone anything (including vacations) even if that means he will stay home with her. ANd if you have business trips planned together, remind him he will have to arrange child care while you are gone, and don't worry about the care he arranges. So what if he calls his parents, they can Choose to watch her or they can decline. Allow them the right to choose.

Disengaging can be a wonderful freeing experience and a wonderful tool to allow a parent to actually parent.

HE wants to be the best daddy in the world to her, LET HIM

The Witch
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Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[tharper001]

I completely understand what you are saying.  But not only do I have to deal with letting him parent when I, and everyone else, can see what's it's going to cause later... but I also have to deal with the backlash of hearing how he always has to handle everything and only he can do so.

We've been through it... counseling, discussions, the whole nine yards.  And I have to say, that when the child is not there, he really does try not to get too upset and we're both working on being more grateful to the other one.

I am proud to report that he did take my advice and the child did go home last night.  That is the one thing that I will not tolerate -- even if I begin to disengage.  Actually, I think for the most part, I am disengaging.  But... I will no longer tolerate summer vacations planned at the last minute.  It's not fair to the child, and it is certainly not fair to any one else that may be involved.  Disengaging or not, I have a right to put my foot down on something this important.  Yes, I do let him parent.  But I will no longer let him jump when his ex calls up and expects to pawn her daughter off on us at the last minute.  If we weren't going out of town, it would not have been as big of a deal.  But we were... and while he would have taken care of everything, I would have had to deal with the repurcussions of that... and I was not going to do it simply to protect the integrity of our trip to Toronto.  He would have been miserable... and I was not going to allow that.  Our trip has been planned for months... and that woman was not going to mess it up.

We will get her soon enough... we should begin our summer vacation in two weeks... we'll have her the weekend of the fourth (our typical scheduled weekend) and then will keep her until her mother decides it's convenient for the child to return.  We're requesting the courts to grant at least through July 16th.  I'm sure, once we have her, we'll keep her longer than that... simply because the mother will enjoy the freedom.

When my husband dropped her off yesterday -- and while the child will never admit it, you can just tell that she did not want to go home -- they were running about 40 minutes behind because of our lake adventure for father's day yesterday.  The mother pulled in a couple of minutes behind them -- thank goodness we didn't rush off trying to get the kid home on time -- and can you believe that this witch didn't even look her daughter's way????  Here this child is getting out of the truck, trying to carry her things and her mother doesn't even offer help... didn't say a word... walked into the house and shut the door, even while this child was walking up to the door.

This woman beats everything I've ever seen.  This is your child -- I don't care how much you dislike the other parent, but this is your child.  Show a little care!!!!!  I hope our attorney buries her... and he should with all of the information we have given him.  We'll see how it goes next week.  We pray the courts will require a psyc eval, and that we get even longer visitation for the summer.  Then soon, hopefully, we'll be in front of a Judge about custody!

[tharper001]

I am happy to report that the child did go home yesterday.  I know it's difficult for my husband to drop her off -- especially when it's so obvious that she doesn't want to go.  She would never admit that, but she doesn't have to -- her face says it all.

I took my mother's advice and just thanked him and offered dinner plans when they returned on Friday night.  We didn't end up doing them, because they had stopped by the store on the way home, but he seem appreciative instead of angry, like I thought he'd be.  

I have no regrets that I put my foot down and disagreed with him on this.  Now hopefully we can have a good trip to Canada.  

But I do feel terrible for that poor child.  They arrived about 40 minutes late yesterday -- the mother pulled up after them by a couple of minutes.  Thank goodness they didn't rush home!  The mother did not even look over at the child getting out of the truck with all her stuff -- she didn't say a word to the child, she just stormed into the house -- and shut the door... even though the child was walking not too far behind her.  What a wonderful welcome!!!  I don't care who you are, or what your problem is with the other parent -- this is your child coming home after a weekend away -- and you are such a witch that you can't even tell your child hello.  Women like this should not be allowed to stay above ground!