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I forgot to mention that our BM is evil, vindictive, and uses PAS, even to this day.  

As in the beginning, I still believe every word she says, and still cannot believe that she can't be civil, tell the truth, and do it for the skids.  DH and BM absolutely will not talk to each other; she yells and curses at him every single time, no matter what they talk about.  

I don't have any bios, but I would not like to hear SM yelling at my kids and then be hung up on.  I think your SM sounds insecure which probably gets worse as she listens to the conversation.  I've had to learn to leave them alone to talk; skids shouldn't be hearing both moms at once!  

>It was 8:05pm I had only been on the phone with my two children for
>20 mins which part of that was me helping with homework.
>
>

I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong.  Although I wouldn't hang up the phone, if I'm waiting on the skids, or we're going somewhere, I have been known to tell skids to say good-bye.

My DH is CP, so I'm full-time SM.  BM does not have visitation but has liberal phone contact.  One night BM called around 8:00 p.m. asking to speak to SD11.  I said sure, but please only for a few minutes.  I told BM that SD11  needed to finish her homework and finish getting ready for school (we pick out clothes and pack backpacks at night).  Anyway BM said OK (knowing SD11 and SS8 go to bed at 8:30 on school nights).  BM kept SD11 on the phone 45 minutes!  I was ticked that BM agreed but then disregarded my request, and I told SD11 it was time for bed.   BM still keeps her on the phone a few more minutes!  

Needless to say, BM didn't respect my request, so no more phone calls after 8:00 p.m.

Only hope, and kiss custody goodbye - no way!  BM has too much against her !  Come on, recent arrests, now that's huge!  Neglect? Alcohol to underaged at BM's party?  Grandmother unfit role model?   PULEEEZE!  The court is not going to disrupt the children unless they are in danger!

Ande, of course you were emotional about being falsely accused, yes you are stressed, yes you are on overloads, hello?  You don't want to lose time with your son.  Your son is your main concern and you are worried for him.  (It might soften some things if you could send a note to the policeman you talked to explaining that).

I agree with other poster that documentation is key.  Record facts in notebook.   Try not to include feelings. (The notebooks helped us so much, but the GAL was able to see through BM and she was caught telling lies.  Skids have been with us full-time 4 years, and I don't expect BM to do one thing about it despite her threats.  

Good luck, but count on not being the one who loses!  Stand tall!

What a huge win for both you and the children!  That is so impressive that you knew what things would help your case, i.e., camera, PI's, journals (recording phone calls helped the GAL alot in DH's case).  It is also so impressive that the judge recognized that.  

Congratulations on how far you have come on the rockiest road you will ever travel!  

Yep, sounds just like our BM just before she petitioned for full custody.  Her change of circumstance was that she got married, knowing her DH for only 2 months.  7 days on/7 days off per court order was not going to work for BM, so BM withheld the skids countless times for a period of about 6 months.  DH would drive 45 minutes one way only to find no one home.  He'd wait 30 minutes, leave a note, and then file a report at the sherrif's office.  Once, SD, then 10, called at 10:30 PM after DH arrived back home to ask if she really had to come over that night because BM was throwing SD a "hot tub party" with SD's neighborhood friends.  Another time, after DH arrived back home from trying to get the skids, and after making a report with the sherrif, BM called DH all drunk and said "turn your happy A _ _ back around and come get them, if you want them so bad."  Then, this next one is my all time favorite, and I hope this never happens to you, but BM's best and most frequent tactic was to allow DH to make the 45 minute drive to pick up the skids and then send her new husband out to tell DH "you are not going to get the kids this week."  DH would ask if he could then just say hello to the kids, and new hubby would reply, "no."  Then the next time the skids were allowed to go with DH for his week, SD would always end up telling us that she wanted to call DH but she was not allowed to.

DH recorded every event and, after the drawn-out custody battle, BM winded up with "no visitation at this time," and DH was given full, permanent custody!  The GAL recognized that BM was blatantly alienating the skids from their father (PAS)!  BM was also messing up with her Soma and alcohol, so the GAL cited neglect as her main concern with BM.  

Please try to get your log up-to-date and then try to resume your visitations ASAP.  I've read in a couple of places that if you allow your visitations to be interrupted, and allow it to continue, it appears you are satisfied with the arrangement, and the judge asks why you allowed it to continue, and not alot of sympathy is shown for that.  I hope you will fight for what is rightfully yours, and make sure your relationship with your kids continues.  Your children deserve you as their constant father in their lives (even if they haven't figured that out yet! )  

I, for one, am routing for you, but also be assured that everyone here wants to see you turn this thing around, so you've got tons more who've got your back!  AND, it's Monday; always a good day to start anew!  

Good Luck to you!

Yep, sounds just like our BM just before she petitioned for full custody.  Her change of circumstance was that she got married, knowing her DH for only 2 months.  7 days on/7 days off per court order was not going to work for BM, so BM withheld the skids countless times for a period of about 6 months.  DH would drive 45 minutes one way only to find no one home.  He'd wait 30 minutes, leave a note, and then file a report at the sherrif's office.  Once, SD, then 10, called at 10:30 PM after DH arrived back home to ask if she really had to come over that night because BM was throwing SD a "hot tub party" with SD's neighborhood friends.  Another time, after DH arrived back home from trying to get the skids, and after making a report with the sherrif, BM called DH all drunk and said "turn your happy A _ _ back around and come get them, if you want them so bad."  Then, this next one is my all time favorite, and I hope this never happens to you, but BM's best and most frequent tactic was to allow DH to make the 45 minute drive to pick up the skids and then send her new husband out to tell DH "you are not going to get the kids this week."  DH would ask if he could then just say hello to the kids, and new hubby would reply, "no."  Then the next time the skids were allowed to go with DH for his week, SD would always end up telling us that she wanted to call DH but she was not allowed to.

DH recorded every event and, after the drawn-out custody battle, BM winded up with "no visitation at this time," and DH was given full, permanent custody!  The GAL recognized that BM was blatantly alienating the skids from their father (PAS)!  BM was also messing up with her Soma and alcohol, so the GAL cited neglect as her main concern with BM.  

Please try to get your log up-to-date and then try to resume your visitations ASAP.  I've read in a couple of places that if you allow your visitations to be interrupted, and allow it to continue, it appears you are satisfied with the arrangement, and the judge asks why you allowed it to continue, and not alot of sympathy is shown for that.  I hope you will fight for what is rightfully yours, and make sure your relationship with your kids continues.  Your children deserve you as their constant father in their lives (even if they haven't figured that out yet! )  

I, for one, am routing for you, but also be assured that everyone here wants to see you turn this thing around, so you've got tons more who've got your back!  AND, it's Monday; always a good day to start anew!  

Good Luck to you!

I do not see where you messed up at all.  Having given your kids an option to visit or not shows that you're a father being flexible and sensitive to your kids' lives.  No one can fault you for trying different ways to make things work out for you and your kids.  But since you are noticing that your relationship with your kids is not flourishing, you just need to try something else, right?  

I do support you, and I know you don't want opinions, but I wonder if you've thought of just continuing your visitation schedule on your very next scheduled time exactly as the C.O. states?  Just call BM ahead of time and tell her you are coming on the date and time of your visitation just as your C.O. says.  You don't have to talk with BF for any reason, to eliminate screamfests, and just be a broken record with him asking to speak with BM.  After BM knows you are coming, you could ask to speak with your kids just to let them know you can't wait to see them and maybe even ask them to be thinking of something they'd like to do when they come over and try to make some traditions with them.  When you show up, if no one is home, leave a friendly note and keep showing up every visitation time you have.  Your kids will come around and they will see you are not giving up.  

I know you are hurting, especially about the father/daughter dance, but try not to think about that, or Father's Day either.  Start planning for an upcoming dance - doesn't have to be a "father/daughter" dance either; you can bet that was all BM/SF's doing anyway, just for your benefit.  Seems like they are trying to control, and not being nice about it; but,  not your concern!  

Oh, and I'm sure you are documenting all encounters with BM, especially your missed or shortened visitation dates and the reason.  Your log can show negative patterns and use of PAS by BM/BF.  You may need this some day.

Your kids know you are a caring, loving dad!  Good luck to you!

Thanks so much for doing the radio broadcast!  No matter that it won't be live; you are educating the public about a very real problem for children living in the stepfamily life, and for that I thank you!  Before I knew about PAS/HAP, BM carried it on constantly, blantantly, and shamelessly.  When the skids returned from visitation with BM, they would relay terrible stories that BM told them, and it caused a lot of confusion and crying, especially from the younger one.  

I was ignorant of what BM was doing; I just know we had constant turmoil and endless drama.  I did my best without understanding what BM was doing.  I would wipe SS's tears and tell him his heart is big enough to love lots of people...you know you love BM and SF, named SF kids, DH and me, sister, grandparents, best friend.  Then I said, see, your heart can love all of us.  I told both skids the story of my mother growing up in a family of 11 and how our hearts are big enough to handle loving all those people.  (BM told SS he could not love us, he could only love her because she loves him so much more than we ever could, etc, etc.)  PAS/HAP is so devastating and abnormal, it needs to be in the open so we can be aware.  When I came on board, I couldn't imagine there would be any problems with BM; I was careful to cooperate with everything BM demanded(!), spent a lot of time trying to figure BM out, trying to cope with her treatment of us; bizarre behavior, constant drama, sick lies and stupid stories to the skids.  Now, I have some knowledge of what is going on, and hopefully I can be more help to the skids when BM "freaks them out".

Let us know how it went!

It's good that you recognize the PAS and want to help the child deal with it.  Gosh, I know what you're experiencing, we've been dealing with it for 5 years now, and it is sad and exhausting.  The child psychologist didn't seem to know what PAS is, but I think he understood what I was describing to him.  I have read that courts, lawyers, and even GAL's are not familiar with the term "PAS", but I think they do understand the description of it and examples I've given to them.  

BM took DH through a custody battle, complete with GAL.  This GAL was  very interested in listening to the tapes we recorded of BM using PAS/HAP.  At that time, DH and BM had joint custody, 7 days on/7 days off (DH now is CP, BM has no visitation).  We were taking the skids to a child psychologist and scheduled it during our time; BM could have cared less, so BM's permission wasn't necessary.  We were taking the skids to help them deal with the divorce and changes; not just for dealing with the PAS that affected the skids to the point of confusion and crying when returning from BM.  Quite by accident though, the psychologist diagnosed SS8 (then 5 y/o) with ADHD, and SS is focusing so much better after being on medicine, and is doing excellent in school.

I have used Google to learn about PAS (typed in Parental Alienation Syndrome), but recently I found a website that talks about PAS and HAP:

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/

After reading about the two, I have decided that HAP better describes our BM's behavior (although PAS is definitely also present).  It's all pretty interesting, especially since in the beginning I was so naive and clueless, I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on and didn't know why BM's behavior was so bizzare!  I didn't understand why there was such constant turmoil and drama when DH was so agreeable to BM's orders and at-whim changes, and also so dedicated to the skids (never late, never badmouthing BM, etc.)  

I'm glad to know that there are true causes for BM's evil and vindictive behavior.   Although I'm in no position to diagnose BM, the website describes the behavior of each syndrome, and helped me understand that BM's antics, language, and interactions with the skids are not at all normal.

Good luck, and let us know how things go!