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Messages - Rave

I think if the grandmother's motives were truly about what is best for your children, she'd willingly agree to any terms you set, and would make it obvious to you that she respects you and your wife's choices regarding the children and would abide by them.

When grandmothers or mil's get caught up in proving who is entitled to what, it becomes a power play.  It's a fight, and they won't back down unless they can prove they are in control.  So stupid.

I'd say in your case, your previous MIL has made the choice for you.  She has in no way indicated that your children can even have a casual relationship with her, without her playing games which will negatively effect your children, and likely cause disharmony in your home.  Your kids need a mother figure.  Sounds like the MIL plans to be that, and if she gets access to your kids, I'm fairly certain she'd try to be that by turning your kids against your wife.  She'll be easy prey.  That will hose up your entire family, your marriage, and your kids.  The grandmother is not worth that.

It's unfortunate that her arrogance, ignorance and insecurities combined, will unfortunately make it nearly impossible for her to see the real way to gain access to your children.   Even if you were able to paint it out to her clearly, she could possibly change in your presence, and then go back to her games when you weren't around.  These types aren't quick to change.

I've heard two types of stress described.  One is a one-time event, such as a death, or a move.  The other is a constant stress, like having to be involved in a toxic relationship for a long time.  The latter is supposed to be worse, because there is no recovery, no relief from the grief.

She doesn't sound like the type of person that you could invite into your lives just a little.  And once your kids started seeing her again, it'd be really difficult for you to extricate her out of the picture again.  I'd keep an eye on your kid's feelings on the subject, but I would not be quick to decide for the grandmother to come around again. 
Quote from: mafitz on Aug 13, 2009, 10:22:28 AM
Quote from: brwneyedmom on Aug 12, 2009, 10:59:28 PM
I would also add that when you consider what would be a "fair" parenting time period for your child's dad, then flip it around.  Would you consider it to be fair if that was the time alloted to you if you were NCP?  If not, why?  Then revise until you think it would be a good time spread for you.  It really does help to try to stand in the other parent's shoes and see it from their side.
You might check to see if mediation is an option in your state.  Here in Oregon, both parents are court required to submit to 8 hours of mediation to try to work out parenting/custody issues between them.  If they need more time, the court generally approves it.  That was the ONLY time that I felt that we both came out win-win rather than lose-lose.  If the parents cannot agree, then the judge decides.  It may take your ex some time to get to that point that mediation is trying for a winning solution that PARENTS come up with rather than the court.  Judges don't give a rip and lawyers only want the money.  The more cash, the merrier.  I spent over $25000 over 14 years.  What a waste of college money for our son.  It bought my attorney a very nice car, however.

Hubby's lawyer racked up $9000 in fees in a period of 2 years.  My attorney racked up $6000 in under a year.  It really does get up there, and I totally agree, its not worth a penny either.  Lawyers and judges should be the very last resort for separated parents. 

We wound up with a $10k bill in a matter of months.  Amazing how quickly it totals up.  Don't think attorneys aren't watching every minute (and rounding up) that they are in communication with you via phone, in person or by email.  Keep it short.
Parenting Issues / Re: MySpace 9 as 19
Jul 11, 2009, 10:11:37 AM
Quote from: Davy on Jul 10, 2009, 06:15:02 PM
Have you ever stop to consider the reason children are at risk is because some people want to argue and complain in order to promote their own self-serving ego rather than to focus on an issue to resolve a problem.   Nothing you have posted is relevant.  Sorry !


You have rambled and rambled throughout this thread.  It's been difficult to even GET to your bottom line through all the Disney home movie stories you have depicted.  Now, if merely training a child not to do bad things is the obvious answer to everything, than your own children obviously never would have struggled themselves I presume?  Despite the influences they had, if they only listened to your words of advice, everything should have turned out wonderfully.

What I see is another example of you pushing somebody's buttons because you have pre-determined their position, opinions and agendas.

Your flowerly words of advice have been difficult to muster through.  But now that your angst is showing up again, your true motivations are becoming clearer.

You think the stepmother and other second wives are here "to promote (their) own self-serving ego rather than to focus on an issue to resolve a problem".  Now, that explains why you keep placing the blame for the children's access to myspace on the parental ineffectiveness of the inept father, his controlling wife and continue to offer opposing views to all the bossy SW's who offered words of encouragement and advice (besides the obvious, just "train" those kids not to get on!!)

This thread has very little to do with the original poster and myspace anymore.  It has now become about YOU and your lectures to US.

To which I respond... "Nothing you have posted is relevant.  Sorry!"
Parenting Issues / Re: MySpace 9 as 19
Jul 09, 2009, 12:48:42 PM
Quote from: MomofTwo on Jul 09, 2009, 11:50:57 AM
I actually agree with Davy, I think he has a valid point.  Talk directly to the kids. Tell the 9 year old she needs to fix her age or you will have the account deleted and any other account created for her.  Tell the children you will be getting access to the accounts and you will be monitoring them.  I teach my children all of the time consequences in our decisions -- good choices hopefullly equate to good things happening, bad choices will end up with bad results. Her having herself as 19 is a bad choice and she needs to be taught and explained the bad consequences that could happen as a result.   Parenting doesn't stop when the children walk out the door to the other parent's house.  You won't be able to stop Mom from allowing it.

I understand they are at Mom's, but Mom is right in some perspectives (and no I don't mean in allowing these accounts).  Unless she is putting the children in harms way (and there would be a big debate about that with these accounts), you can't tell Mom the children can't do something at her house anymore then she can dictate to you what can be done with the children at your house.  Albeit not the best decision, it is her's to make.  Same with "(Staying up all night, watching R rated movies, and much more.)" can't dictate to her how to parent.

This is one of those pick your battles. You know about the accounts. Find out what you can, monitor them, monitor who the kids chat with, I am sure there is software you can install for tracking....

The mother tells the kids not to log in from the dad's house.
Parenting Issues / Re: MySpace 9 as 19
Jul 09, 2009, 08:51:49 AM
I don't know exactly how I'd approach this if I were you and your DH, but my goal would be to make BM uncomfortable with the situation that she choose to comply with my restrictions rather than to continue putting the children at risk.  Might take some considerable thought to come up with a plan, but that would be what I'd be spending my time on.

Assuming I'd start with documenting and also have my attorney fire off a letter to her hoping to scare her into compliance.

Since she has no job right now, she'd be in a pickle if challenged financially.
Parenting Issues / Re: MySpace 9 as 19
Jul 09, 2009, 08:07:49 AM
Quote from: Davy on Jul 08, 2009, 08:18:39 PM
As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Just a guess here, but I would assume the father has already had the talk with the kids about not being on myspace.

Since the mother not only allows the kids to be on myspace, but would likely create new accounts of myspace got rid of her children's accounts, she's encouraging bad behavior.

That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction.
Parenting Issues / Re: MySpace 9 as 19
Jul 08, 2009, 08:01:47 PM
Wonder if Myspace could avoid repeats by tracking and blocking her ISP.  What a dumb cow to allow her kids on there.
Father's Issues / Re: Redflags
Jun 26, 2009, 02:55:00 PM
I would wonder (hope) that perhaps the mother is projecting her fears onto her two daughters, given her own experiences, and feels like she's guarding them by keeping them under her watch at night.  Does sound scary though.  Best to you.
Oh, believe me, I know it effects you.  I've been effected by the situation far more than I ever imagined when I first got married.  Despite now having grown stepchildren, I am still effected occasionally by my involvement as a stepmother. 

By the time stepmothers get to the point I'm at, in a situation like mine, most have become familiar with the theory of disengaging.  I really put it to practice a few years ago.  Has helped tremendously.  My silence has signaled the end to my participation as a stepmother.  I am what I vowed to be, a man's wife, period.  I don't initiate contact.  I respond pleasantly if contacted.  And I no longer put myself in situations which I know will be uncomfortable. 

I heard the oldest complain that there is not enough "balance" in DH's time (and money of course) with them vs. our kids and myself.  I have no control over his involvement in their lives.  Frankly, I've listened to over 16 years of their complaints about him and myself.  Used to bother me.  I'm over it.

Good luck to you.  It's a rough road.
Oh, please don't think I was trying to belittle your concern or your willingness to help him.  My sd's claimed they were being abused by their mother.  There was reason to believe the kids were telling the truth.  I, like you, wanted to help.  I found a very good attorney, did all the research, documented everything (in fact, the attorney was very impressed with how organized my documentation was), arranged meetings with the attorney, helped rack up thousands in legal bills and we won!!  At the time, I believed my DH was worried but worked too many hours to do everything I was doing.  In hindsight, if he wanted it bad enough, I shouldn't have had to lift a finger.

Years went by and BM cried that she was a victim to DH and myself.  Over time, the girls had very little memory of their abuse.  But they have been routinely reminded of me and DH's role as meddler.  I gained zero from the experience.  In fact, I know there have been times when my DH even wondered if we should have gone with the legal route.  I, for certain, regret ever going with the legal route. 

In hindsight, IF my DH really wanted to proceed, I should have restricted my involvement only to things he asked me specifically to do, with the understanding that I was merely helping. 

This situation is common.  Man with kids meets a woman.  She walks into the situation and sees him hurting.  She thinks his kids are great and figures out ways to help him and his kids.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen this backfire, but I'm not the only one.  I'm just suggesting you keep your eyes open.