Topics

Sorry if this is long.....I'm the stepmom, doing all the Pro Se paperwork and research for my husband to try and get custody of his 8 yr old son. CP and NCP split up before the child was ever born. Everyone lived in MN. When child was 1 yr old, CP filed for CS order....and NCP only got "reasonable visitation". Every since then, my husband was only allowed to see his son at the mother's discretion. Mother would up and disappear for long periods of time and not provide address or phone number so sometimes a whole year went by when he did not get to see his son. Husband didn't not make much money nor did he know where to begin to fix the problem. I met my husband in 2002. One month after the CP found out her son spent a weekend at my house with his dad, she upped and moved to Ohio (where she was from orginally) without NCP consent or court order. Mother refused to give him her address. We couldn't even send presents, she just said "don't worry about Xmas presents, just make sure you keep paying the CS."

We wanted the son to be in our wedding in summer of 2004, but CP refused. She did however agree to drive him down after the wedding and we could have him for a few weeks, and we'd drive him back to Ohio. She drove to St Paul, and demanded my husband come and pick up her and son and bring them both to our home, and then to drive her back to St Paul. My husband refused, saying he will come pickup kid, but not her. She said she was taking her kid back home and hung up. It's a 12 hour drive one way. He called back to try and talk with her but no answer.

Thats when I finally stepped in and said we have to file something legal. We cannot afford lawyer to represent us, so I did my own research online and we filed a motion for parenting time assistance. CP was LIVID, mad as hell that she had to come all the way to MN for this. Mediation didn't work, she lied to the mediator, and would not compromise on an agreement at all. So I cancelled mediation. Then the judge had us talk to an investigator. I thought the investigator was on my side, but he wasn't. CP mother lied through her teeth. She had nothing on me. He recommended WAY less time than what I wanted. Everyone told me that most judges award what the investigator recommends. We ended up submitting affidavits in lieu of an evidentiary hearing. CP didn't get her affidavit in on time (she was just waiting to see a copy of mine so she could trash it)...and the referee's order came out, saying she did not consider the CP's affidavit as it was late, and the order further stated that the CP moved without court order or permission, and that what the NCP asked for is not unreasonable and no evidence that it is not in the child's best interest. So we got MORE time than we even requested, 3 times more than what the investigator recommended and the CP is responsible for paying 1/2 the airfare. That order was dated April 05.

We got the child for 4 weeks in June 05....we had to pay for the entire plane ticket, but then her 1/2 ended up coming of husband's arrears (he had a crappy job for about 1.5 yrs a few years back, and wasn't able to pay the full amount every month). We did not get the child for the fall time break as we could not afford the entire ticket again and mother refused to pay her 1/2. Then we bought the whole ticket for our Xmas time (Dec 05), and sent mother the dates/time of flights 3 months in advance...and one month before Xmas, the mother says we have to pay and change the ticket flight times because she started a new job and has to work and no one will pick up the kid from the airport for her. She wanted him to fly on a connecting flight that would involve getting him up at 3AM. We said NO. Court order specifically states NCP is to make all travel arrangements and give CP 30 day notice. Period. We were able to get the outbound flight within the time she wanted because it was a direct flight, but the only direct flight going back wasn't a time that would work for HER. She did not put the kid on the plane. She told the child that his dad bought the wrong ticket and thats why he couldn't come. The kid was devastated.

She still interferes with phone contact. Court order states she was to immediately provide grandfather's # since kid lives there more than his own house cuz of the mother's overnight shift and sleeping during the day. She won't provide the number. Every phone call is monitored by the mother. SHe tells the child he cannot speak to me or his step-siblings, in fact the kid told us his mother told him that he has no other brothers or sisters and no other grandparents, etc. My entire family has totally accepted this kid, and she is confusing him to no end.

Also, the child was moved away in 2002 when he was 4. Since our nwe court order last year, we found out the kid is a year behind in school, in special ed, diagnozed with ADHD, sees a therapist, and has major emotional and behavior issues. The mother was reported for child abuse by a school district in 2003 but she claims it was unfounded. We can't get any info on it. And since we were able to find out the kid's school, doctor records etc from the court hearing, mother has now changed the kid's school, doctor, residence again....to keep dad from knowing anything. When he asks his son what school does he go, he just says he doesn't know. When he asks if he wants to speak to his other brothers and sister he says "I can't." When we had him this summer, he told us that his mother and Grandfather both whip him with a belt frequently, for every infraction. In the therapist records it states mother purposely did not give the child his ADHD meds to try and make it last longer. A lot what the therapist had in her records as comments from CP were outright lies.

Anyhow, we filed a motion for a change of custody...citing the parenting time interference, and the child's well-being, not a stable home, constant moving of home and school and doctor's, his education being way behind and the fact that all the public schools in Dayton Ohio are rated at Academic Emergency and they live in the very high crime area. I think we have a very good case, but we have never actually file any contempts, and am a bit worried that the referee will want to just slap her hands a few times before changing custody. In the meantime, the child is suffering over there and being brain washed. We don't want to try and push the child for information too much, because he was told not to tell anything, and if he disobeys he will get the belt.

We did send an email to the CHildren's Services in Dayton asking them to check on Neglect....because the child is not enrolled in any Dayton Public school (we checked)...and no one seems to know where he goes to school. He was disenrolled in Oct 05....so there is a truancy issue now. Hopefully they will investigate the mother and then we will find out what school he goes to. We have sent her an Interrogatory Request also, to no avail, but it is more ammo for the hearing.

Our Motion hearing is 2/14. Not even sure if the CP will show up. Better for us if she doesn't. We are not sending her the copy of the motion and affidavit until next week since we legally do not have to. And what if she actually goes and gets a lawyer? We can't afford one. We do have a lawyer that we get advice from, thats all we can afford. She actually knows Referee Leppanen, as they used to be co-workers at the same firm. She thinks, that if the CP doesn't show up for that initial hearing, considering all the problems before, that she will just award custody to us. Especially since she gave us way more parenting time than the investigator recommended.

Anyone got any advice or comments?? Please and thanks.

Hello again Soc,

Once again I am asking for some advice.

Just to refresh your memory, I took your advice and filed a motion to modify child support downward on grounds that the custodial mom refuses to pay her court ordered transp. costs and that it would be more judicially efficient than using the court's contempt powers to enforce compliance.

I'm in MN and custodial mom is in OH.

A magistrate heard the case, not the usual referee we have. Clerk said that was because only magistrates hear the child support cases. Court order came in today, denied.

Order stated it was approving the mom's request to keep the child support as is, and denying dad's request to lower as dad "has failed to state a basis in fact or law for reduction of his support obligation as a result of the obligee's noncompliance with the visitation payment provisions."

I believe my only other option is to file a contempt charge now. I believe I can prove her contempt as she has not paid anything toward airfare...there is also another area of contempt too that I have her written statement of willful disregard and that she is fully aware of what the order states because the judge verbally told her so at the last hearing.  

For remedies in the contempt affidavit I'd like to request mom be ordered to pay a $500 civil penalty, that mom be orderd to give me the info I requested in the interrogatory that judge ordered her to answer right there in the court room, and that mom be ordered to attend anger management classes and a more indepth co-parenting class (we were ordered to attend one at our first hearing. I went, but don't know if mom ever did.

It also stated it this cased was an IVD case, and remains an IVD case until applicant notifies in writing that services are no longer needed. The mom is not on welfare or getting any public assistance.  She has in the past though.

I just want the mom to pay her 1/2 of the airfare as court ordered.

When I filed the motion to change custody earlier this year, the Referee left my request open, as she felt I was entitled to the interrogatory answers first, and that after receiving that info I could submit an amendment to the custody motion. I have not submitted an amendment.

Questions:

1. What is an IVD case?

2. How can a contempt get mom to pay her court ordered transp costs?

3. Would a custody reversal be easier now on grounds that mom is continuing to frustrate my parenting time by refusing to pay her share of airfare?

4. What is the best course of action here?

I don't know if you remember my history here....but I am having problems with the custodial mom paying her 1/2 of the court ordered transportation costs. I took your advice and am filing on Wed. a mod to  child support downward since mom refuses to pay her 1/2 and that is equivalent to an increase in her child support award.

I just received an Affidavit in Support of Motion regarding Travel Costs from custodial mom in OH. No motion attached. Affidavit of Mail Service is attached stating they mailed a copy of the Affidavit (no motion mentioned).

Everything is notorized in OH. Obviously no court date since no motion. I thought all motions have to be filed in person (or by lawyer) in the court house.

Case is in MN. Affidavit states she wants her portion of travel costs to be reduced from my arrears because she cannot afford to pay anything. I already pay the extra 20% for arrears every month for over 3 years now. She makes more money than me and judge already said she took into account our finances and that she is the one who moved withOUT court order or consent.



Questions:

1. Can/would the judge even consider this affidavit with no motion?

2. Can a motion be filed from out of state, such as by mail?

3. Can/Would the judge consider this when we go to court for MY motion to reduce child support?

Hello Soc,

I want to read the transcript from my custody hearing in March. I do have the court order the Referee sent out shortly after the hearing.

Questions:

1) What is the proper form to use to request a copy of the transcript from my hearing?

2) Is there usually a fee for requesting a copy?

Hello again Soc,

I'm NCP in MN, MN court order, custodial mom in Ohio.

Went to court in March for change of custody and get court to compel mom to answer my interrogatories. Referee ordered mom to answer the interrogatory within 30 days and was said I could file an amended motion after I receive the answers to the interrogatory. Referee also ordered a Parenting Time Expeditor, both parties to split his cost.

I didn't have to say much of anything during the entire hearing, it was mostly the Referee getting irritated with the mother. Mother tried to bring up how she cannot afford to pay 1/2 of the child's airfare, as was court ordered previously. She has never contributed to airfare.

Referee told her correct way to address the court is to file a motion, but keep in mind she already took into account both parties incomes (mother makes more money) and the fact that she moved without court order or consent.

Next pareting time is in June....I notifed mother of price of ticket with 75 day notice. Court order says for her to pay within 15 days. Mother contacted Expeditor, says she can't pay anything, will pay 1/2 of every OTHER visitation in 2007, or else she will file a motion.

I responded with: Not acceptable and not in accordance with order, however will give you an additional 2 weeks to pay before I file a motion for contempt.

Considering the mother's frame of mind, I am assuming she will show up for court, rather than pay her share of airfare ($200). I have a waiver of fees to file motions. I will be filing a contempt motion if she does not pay at the end of the extra time I gave her. She will have to fly to MN again.

Court order says for mother to provide me her father's phone number immediately, as child routinely spends the night and several days there due to mother's nightshift at work. Mother refuses. Petty I know, but I'd like to add it to the contempt motion for non-payment of airfare to add to the overall effectiveness.

Questions:

1. What can I ask for as remedies in my motion for contempt in order to get the mother to pay her 1/2 of the airfare?

2. Can I list additional contempts (same court order, different topic) in the same motion?

Hello again Soc,

My change of custody hearing date is 3/23. In the motion it states if the other party wants to submit a response to it, she must have it in the mail 8 days prior to the court date. (which would be next week). She has not done so yet.

All she has done is send a letter to the judge asking to have the court date delayed......which was granted and is now 3/23.

Custodial mom never bothered to file a response for my motion for parenting time assistance. I expect that she will not file a response for this change of custody either. She does not have a lawyer representing her.

I was thinking of filing a Motion to Show Default (on the appropriate date), just to bring to light to the court that she failed to submit a response.

Questions:

1. Would there be any benefit to it?

2. Is it assumed by the court that everything I said in my motion and affidavit to be true since the other party did not deny anything in a response?

The Affidavit of Service By Mail form that I use I got from my county's website.....and it says

 "....I served the attached documents, namely ______________ upon the Plaintiff by mail service including a true and correct copy of the documents in an envelope addressed to the petitioner at her last known address of _______ and depositing the envelope with sufficient postage in the US Mail at the Post Office located in the city of ____ State of_____."

I have used this form numerous times but have never included actual copies of the motion, affidavit or enclosures when I send it in to the courts as proof of service. I figure they already have all the copies since I filed the motion, affidavit and enclosures with them to start with. Court has never questioned me regarding the form.

Question:
1. Could it be a problem if I don't attach anything to the form, as long as all the documents are listed after the word "namely"?

Hi again Soc,

I have sent a 2nd request telling the custodial mom to respond to my interrogatory or I will file a Motion to Compel. She finally responded. But she didn't give me the info.

I asked what the name of her various employers, address and work schedule has been for past 2 years, and her answer was : This is not your concern.

I asked how many hours a week my son spends at his grandfathers house. Her answer was: This is not your concern.

I asked for my son's school address and teacher. Her response was: will be discussed in court.

I asked what health insurance our son was covered under since she doesn't use my insurance that I provide. Her answer was: Will be discussed in court.

I asked how many times our son has been to see the therapist in the past year. Her answer was: he does not see a therapist, he attends group therapy at school.

She further states in her letter that she does not appreciate me making false allegations against her, that I am being vindictive because she won't pay her 1/2 of the airfare and that I should spend all my time, energy and money into working overtime to pay for my son's airfare rather than harassing her.

Questions

1. Since she did send a response to my interrogatory, does this mean I cannot file a Motion to Compel since she refuses to answer the majority of the questions?

2. Considering her defensiveness, unwillingness to cooperate, and trying to blame me for her actions, could I bring up in the 1st hearing that I want her psych tested for some sort of Borderline Personality Disorder and or High Conflict Personality Disorder?

Hi again Soc,

Our 1st hearing for change of custody is 2/14. I mailed (served) the custodial mother her copies of the motion and affidavit within the allowed time by MN law (17 days). I could have mailed the papers earlier, but figured it in my best interest to wait till I HAD to. Which only gives CM 2 weeks notice.

Today I received a copy of a letter CM wrote to the judge directly, requesting to reschedule the hearing as plane tickets for her would be $1000 or over since it is less than 21 day notice. And that any other form of travel would make her miss too many days of work thus lowering and/or forfeiting her health benefits and therefore is requesting a later date so she may be present for the hearing which was totally unexpected.

She also asked in her letter if a phone hearing is possible.

I sent a letter once to this same judge during my parenting time hearing, and the clerk sent it back saying I cannot communicate with the judge that way.

The CM was allowed to interview with the parenting time investigator by phone, but she had to show up for the actual hearings. I totally object to any phone hearings and I object to rescheduling the hearing date.

Questions:

1. Doesn't the CM have to file an actual motion for continuance in order to get the date changed?

2. Assuming CM's letter just gets sent back to her stating she cannot communicate that way, and she does not show up for court....CAN the judge reverse custody based on my affidavit and motion and supporting evidence, even if only by default?

3. Are phone hearings allowed in family court?

Hi Soc, You have helped me out enormously in the past! Thank you! I do have a question or two however. My 1st hearing for my Change of Custody Motion is 2/14/06.

I sent out a 1st Interrogatory request to the custodial mother asking questions like "what is the child's school name and address, what is the child's doctor name and address, etc. The 30 days is up and the CP has not responded as expected. I am getting ready to send a 2nd Request (going thru the motions so I can file a Compel Discovery).

I also want to know her employment dates of how ever many jobs she has had in the last few years, and also what her work schedules were for each job. I also want to ask what insurance the child has been covered under the last year, since I provide court ordered insurance, but she has never used it. I did not ask those questions in the 1st Interrogatory.

CP and child live out of state from me, they moved without court order or my permission and the courts have stated that in my parenting time order I got last year. Neither me or the CP has a lawyer.

I am not too worried about her requesting a change of venue, as I don't think she realizes she can. However, I can argue that the child was born in my state, I live in this state still, and they moved without court order and have ruled on other motions regarding this case in the past year.


My questions are:

1. Can I add a new question to the 2nd Request, or do I need to do up a separate new one?

2. Do I need to bring any evidence to this 1st hearing other than the big stack I submitted with the motion/affidavit?

3. Assuming the judge will suggest or order a custody evaluation, what is the process being that the CP and child live out of state?

4. Since I have received a waiver of fees from the court, can the judge actually order something that I would have to pay for?

I am the non-custodial father in MN. Never married. Custodial mother moved our son to OH in 2002 (without my consent or court order) one month after she found out I was in a committed relationship with someone (my now wife) (child was 3 1/2 yrs old then).

Original order in 1998 was a child support order giving me reasonable visitation. Mother has continually denied me parenting time, allowing visitation at her discretion. She refused to give me her address after moving to OH.

Two years later I filed for parenting time assistance, pro se. I had no clue where to begin, took me 2 years to figure it out. Went thru mediation unsuccessfully, and had a parenting time investigation. We submitted written statements in lieu of trial. New order gave me more specific parenting time than the investigator recommended.

Since the investigation last year, I found out what school and therapist my son was seeing, and requested records. Mother was reported for abuse by school district. Don't know the outcome, no one will give documentation.

I found out my son has ADHD, is a grade behind in school, in special ed, and has severe emotional and behavior problems and does not get his meds regularly. All the public schools in Dayton are rated at Academic Emergency.

I missed my Oct parenting time because she didn't pay her 1/2 of the airfare, and she denied my Dec time because the flight times interferred with her night work schedule. She wanted child to get on a 6am connecting flight, vs a direct flight. Child is 8, has ADHD and emotional/behavior issues. I paid 100% of ticket.

Order states she is responsible for 1/2 of airfare, but if she does not pay, that it can be reduced from my arrearages. There was about 1.5 yrs when I had a crappy job and she didnt get the full amount every month. However, she has never paid for any travel, not even for the investigation part.

My son told me that he was mad at me becuase I bought the wrong ticket, and that his mother told him that. I gave the mother a 3-month notice of dates and times. Order states for me to make all arrangements and give her a 30-day notice.

I just filed a change of custody motion in MN based on MN Statute 518.17 (continual denial of parenting time can be grounds for custody reversal). 1st hearing is 2/14.

questions:

1. How likely is it for a judge to reverse custody at the 1st hearing?

2. What happens if the mother doesn't show up for the hearing?

3. What are the chances of the judge offering both parties to submit written statements in lieu of an evidentiary hearing since one party lives in a diff state?

4. If judge does offer written statements in lieu of evidentiay hearing, what are the pros and cons of it?

5. If custody is not reversed to me, is there some other solution the judge will suggest or order?

6. How can I file contempt on the mother in the future, since she lives out of state and I have very limited funds.

What to do?!

Ever since we finally got a specific parenting time schedule 2 years ago....we have been finding out all kinds of areas the child is doing poorly in. The child is 8 1/2 yrs old. We have known for over a year that he in an all day special ed class, due to his severe emotional and behavior problems, going into 2nd grade, and a year behind for his age.

According to some old therapist records and court papers from the pbfh....the kid did not know the alphabet, how to count or spell his name, the colors, pretty much nothing at all. He still can't read. It is very hard for him to sound out short words, and then he can't even tell you what he just read after he struggled to read a short sentence. Some of the records say that he has ADHD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and questionable IQ. But his behaviors are so bad and so lacking, that there has to be some other problem. How can we help fix the problem when nobody will tell us exactly what is wrong with the child? it is obvious that he is developmentally delayed...but why? We sent a letter to the school therapist also. Hopefully we will get some feedback from her.

If anyone has remembered any of my previous posts, this is a child whose mother moved him from MN to OH 4 years ago, right after she found out I was dating "dad". No court order or permission, and denied all visitation and all information regarding the child for 3 years until we finally figured out how to get a specific parenting time order. Mom and child have had 13 different addresses since he was born 8 years ago, and the child has been in 3 different schools so far. There is literally no communication between pbfh and dad. Mother is very stubborn, uncooperative, hostile, vengeful. Its quite possible she has mental issues herself. Anytime we make a suggestion that is reasonable and in the best interest of the child, she gets very defensive as if this whole thing is about her.

We had the child last summer, but mother did not send him with any ADHD meds....and since we had just received medical records that were fairly new, we just took the kid to our own doctor, who wrote a prescription for his ADHD meds off the other doctor's order. That order said for child to take one pill, every day.

When child went home a month later, mother found out we got the ADHD meds and had a fit! She does not want the child on meds except when he is at school.

We had the child this summer for 6 weeks. No meds again. We called the Dr in Ohio, who said he writes the prescriptions based on what the parents want, and since mom has full legal and physical custody...and stated to him that child only needs meds for school. We sent him a copy of the letter listing all the bad behavior so he can make a better recommendation to the mom as to what the dosage of his meds should be.

Child had HORRIBLE behavior this summer. Very dangerous behavior to himself, others and property. He needs constant supervision as if he was a toddler. Seriously. You have to phyiscally look at him at least every 5 minutes or he gets into something. He needs constant stimulation.

He steals, refuses to tell the truth, plays with lighters and burning things, plays with knives, runs out in the busy street without even looking while someone was hollaring at him to stop, runs up to strangers and just starts talking to them like they are his friend, makes embarassing comments in public, and acts like a child who is only 4 years old. He found a lighter in the house, and was caught burning a feather duster. had the big talk with him about how dangerous it was, and then hid all the lighters. He was caught with lights FIVE more times, and burnt holes in the couch, a blanket, burned plastic on light bulbs, tore off tops of big plants, broke the remote controls, stole all the batteries and tried to open them, tried flushing burnt toilet paper down the toilet and caused it to flood through the floor to the basement and ruining a bunch of electronics that were down there, keeps stealing things from people's bedrooms, hides things under his pillow and bed DAILY, sometimes insignificant things like a paper clip, or a rubberband or batteries, (or the pocket knife he stole and lighters)....and lies, lies lies. Even insists that he is telling the truth while being punished. We had him move logs outside, took him SIX hours to do it, and he got in trouble again the same day. He spent most of his 6 weeks being disciplined. And I honestly think the kid just doesn't get it. It was very hard for dad, as he did not want to spend his visitation disciplining the child the whole time.

Dad to spoke to mom, and she admitted having a lying and stealing problem with him. Talked to mom again right after kid got on the plane, recommending she take him for a case study, to rule out any mental illness, and to check his IQ, and to have him take his meds on weekends and during the summer too. She said she would NOT do that, as she doesn't have these problems at HER house. Now SHE is lying, she has already admitted, and in writing to a lot of these problems, and so have his teachers at school.

My question is.......how can we get the child help that he really needs, if the mother won't do it. Mind you, mother had full legal and physical custody, and lives in a different state. So dad only gets a week of parenting time 3 times a year and then 6 weeks in summer. The child is on our own medical insurance and we can certainly get him in for testing and counseling while here, but he needs ROUTINE therapy.

We have to do something because I do not want that child back in my house unless he is on meds. He caused so much damage this summer and it is scarey to think he could have burned our house down, or caused major flood damage, or physically hurts himself or others.

Can we file a motion to get mother ordered to put child through a case study for mental illness and IQ testing?

8 yr old child lives in OH with custodial mom. My husband and I live in MN. My husband and CM never married, problems with PAS/HAP and visitation ever since child was born. CM moved to OH when child was 4 (a month after she found out I was in dad's life) without court order or dad's consent and denied all visitation for 3 years till we finally got a specific parenting time order. We have done everything pro se as we cannot afford a lawyer. CM still does not abide by court order. both parties were ordered to pay 1/2 of every plane ticket, she has never paid and we have paid entire tickets. last Christmas we bought whole ticket and then she didnt put him on the plane. She had a lame excuse. She changed his school and doctors and would not give the information. We took her to court for custody reversal based on continuous denial of visitation, unstable home life, and doing poorly in school with major emotional and behavior problems. Judge reemed her, told her to give dad ALL the information he requested and that she better start paying 1/2 the tickets.....reserved the custody reversal until dad received all the info from mom and that he could file an amended motion at that time. Judge also ordered that we utilize a Parenting Time Expeditor.

CM finally sent the information, on the last day of her timeline, answered 1/2 the questions....sent her a letter demanding ALL answers or would file contempt. She supplied rest of info.

Just bought the summer plane ticket and she won't pay her 1/2 AGAIN. She called the Expeditor and said she cannot afford it, can't afford to pay anything for any ticket till next year.  (rolling my eyes). We can't afford it either, we have 3 other children and my husband makes less money than she does. So we are filing a motion to modify child support based on mom's steadfast refusal to pay her court ordered transp costs, which is equivalent to an increase in her child support award. Of course the CM says she needs every penny of the child support so she does not want her child support reduced. UGH!

Anyhow.....sorry for the long post....my question is.....what do you tell an 8 yr old boy.....when his mom tells him he can't go see his dad because dad bought the wrong ticket? We bought that ticket 3 months in advance and the court order says for dad to make the arrangements and for mom to make arrangements to get kid to airport and back....(she complained saying she had no one to take him to the airport and she had to work). So the kid is mad at dad and told his therapist at school that his dad cancelled his trip. Mom has even given some story to the school staff about dad to try and interfere with his cooperation with them. She is mad because she thinks we are out to make her look like an unstable, unfit, and abusive mother. She gets highly defensive and takes no responsibility, turning all blame on dad. We just want her to play fair, and abide by the court order and stop putting the kid in the middle of her anger.

The kid had a scratch on his face and I asked him how he got that....and he said "I cant tell you...you might tell the judge" and then when we tell him about his other siblings (step-siblings) or his step grandmother....he says his mom told him he has no other family other than his family in OH and his dad. We tell him he has two families, and he should feel real lucky that he has so many people that love him. But he looks so puzzled. We know the mom is telling conflicting stories on purpose.

So what is the best approach to deal with this? We don't want the kid thinking dad is to blame for all this.....he has enough emotional abuse going on at home already.

I am the noncustodial dad's wife (the stepmom). Here's the dilema...custodial mother has denied my husband parenting time ever since his son was born 8 years ago...they had a very short relationship, that ended before the child was born. The mother would only allow dad to see his son, when it was convenient for her, and usually only when she was present. A child support order was established when the child was one year old, and it only granted dad reasonable visitation. My husband and I met in 6/02, buy end of 7/02 we'd decided to be in a committed relationship. His son spent a weekend at my house, and met my children from a previous marriage. The mother found out her child was at some woman's house with her son's father, and the very next month she moved out of state. My husband was informed of her move after she moved. She refused to give her address. She refused all visitation. We wanted to have the son in our wedding last year, but she refused. She agreed to let us have him for a couple weeks, but then changed her mind, so we filed a motion for a specific visitation schedule.  It has now been almost 3 years since she moved out of state without consent or court order. She has continually interfered with visitation, with phone contact, she refuses to give up the name of the school, his medical information, etc. She refuses to let the child speak to me or his other step-siblings on the phone, in fact she told him that my kids were not his relatives at all. When in fact, the person the child calls his grandpa is his mother's step-father, and her other daughter is his half sister. She has never even met me or my children. I am just the "other" woman, the evil stepmom with the big red bullseye on my forehead. She had nothing but negatives to say during the mediation/investigation. We ended up getting more time than the investigator recommended. The judge obviously read right thru the mother's manipulations. Anyhow, that order was given 4/05. We've only had one actual visitation because the mother wouldn't pay her 1/2 of the airfare, and then for this past holiday season we bought the whole ticket and she didn't put the child on the plane. She thinks she is justified due to her work schedule. Also, since we finally got some visitation after three years, we have found out that the child has been diagnozed with ADHD, has severe emotional and aqgressive behavior issues, that he is not getting is proper medical care, that he lives most the time at his grandfather's due to his mother working the night shift. The schools in the child's district are ALL rated at Academic Emergency, and she has moved him to 3 diff schools in 3 years, has changed his medical doctor and therapist since the last court order, that child has had at least 15 different residences in his 8 yrs, and he lives in the low income part of town (high crime rate). She also has not followed the court order, by not providing us the grandfather's phone number or providing us the school calendar, and denying the visitation. So we decided to file for change of custody, with no lawyer. We can't afford a lawyer. But I have been doing all kinds of reading and reseach online about filing Pro Se. We have a lot in our favor....1) custodial parent's continual interference with visitation 2) custodial parent not following court order 3) child lives in a very unstable home 4) mother not able to spend appropriate time with child 5) child doing poorly in school (in special ed and a year behind) 6) child not getting proper medical care 7) Father CAN allow the mother to have visitation thus allowing the child to have a relationship with both of his parents.  Oh, and the mother was reported for child abuse a couple years ago by a school district, she claims it was unfounded but we can't find any information on the case. And the child has exhibited signs of abuse, and verbally has told us that both his mother and grandpa whip him with a belt frequently. Our big concern now is.....what happens if the mother does not show up for the motion hearing? I know the judge will set an evidentiary hearing.....but can we win default in addition to all the other areas? Is there any advice anyone can give us to help us with this case? Any insight would be most appreciated! We both firmly believe that the child would have a much better opportunity in life living in our household.

Thanks, Frustrated in Minnesota.