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Hi Soc,

We have joint legal and joint physical in Ca.  Fifteen year old son has drug and alcohol addiction.  Has been in counseling 6 mo. after overdose in Oct. and ER visit.  I asked his mom (my ex) at that time to allow him to enter a treatment program after his overdose (I would pay), but she refused to "send him away" and would only agree to counseling.  In addition, she told son that "your father wants to send you away" which has alienated him from me and given him cause to act out even more

Yesterday his counselor urged us to enter him into a wilderness program as his addiction is worsening (failed freshman year, continuing drugs and drinking while at moms unsupervised).  Ex refuses.  

In addition she signed him up for drivers training without informing me or his counselor.  Counselor  and I had an agreement with son that he would need to be sober for at least 4 mo. prior.  He is not.  (In my opinion her own alcoholism is causing this denial or refusal to act to protect our son, but that is an opinion.  I can't figure out why she would want him behind the wheel of a car or not getting better if not that).

I was unsuccessful in obtaining more than 50/50 in a custody bid last year.  

1. Do I need to get legal custody so I can get my son in treatment?  Or perhaps just legal custody over this issue?  The counselor has said he will do whatever it takes to help including appearing, if necessary.

2. What would be your advise on how to get some control here so I can protect my son?  (We have a younger son as well, 13, who is starting down this road as well.)

Any help would be very much appreciated Soc.  I am so frustrated.

Thanks.

Hello Soc,

I am in CA and share joint physical and joint legal.  Son is 14 and has a history of alcohol and drug use when in moms custody.  He overdosed recently.   This wasn't the first time, but this time she took him to the ER as he was shaking and foaming at the mouth.  His blood alcohol was .22  He is diabetic as well.

I believe we almost lost him this time and know there WILL be a next time if nothing changes.  I want to put him in a rehab program or wilderness program and I'm willing to pay.  

Ex is dead-set against this.  In fact, she immediately told our sone that I'm  trying to "send him away to military school" and  polarized this issue further.  She stated that she doesn't want son to be mad at her.  She will only agree to counseling of a counselor she chooses.

I believe she is in denial due to her own alcohol issues or is afraid of how this will be perceived.  We just finished a custody trial 6 months ago and it was a horrible experience for everyone, but mostly the kids.  I raised these issues in trial, but ex lied to downplay.   Is there something I can do legally to intervene for my boy here?  

Thank you very much for any advice.

Hello,

DH was granted primary custody on a temp. basis 3 months ago.  We had a hearing scheduled for today to either make it perm. or make changes.  Kids are doing much better in school, etc. so we are hopeful it will become perm.  Mom is fighting to go back to prevl. plan.

Last night DH noticed legal computer files were missing.  14 yr old SS admited he got into DH's computer, found legal files, called his mom and told her what docs he found.  He said she asked him find anything "incriminating on her", then print out docs then delete them from DH's computer.  She also asked him to remember how to do this again for later.  SS complied and printed out some legal docs for her.

So questions:

Aside from feeling violated and betrayed by SS willingness to do as mom asks in all this, is there anything here we can write up for opposing counsel or Judge?  Or is this common dirty tricks stuff?

Mom admited to treapassing into our home previously using younger son to gain admitance so there is a documented history here in the current order.

Is there anything we can do?

Thanks!!

>Evidently, the evidence is pretty much dead even. Once there's
>a change of 90 days, a new status quo is established, and I
>would imagine that the judge would be reluctant to return to
>50/50. It could be that the judge wants to ease the mom into
>the new situation, but that if there's a rebellion amongst the
>children, then that would argue for a return to 50/50.
>
>I'd need to read the mediation report. There's something
>unusual afoot.  

I agree it seemed unusual.  On the stand mom claimed that the kids would be "destroyed" if dad got custody.  She also stated that the kids were "bawling their eyes out because they didn't want to be away from her" and the mediator stated she seemed literally stunned when she learned that fathers can be, and are, granted custody.

I hope you are correct and this is an attempt to ease mom into the idea without issue.  The only issues we've had since the judgement haven't come from the kids.  They have been mom raging, crying and cursing at dad in front of kids.  Should be interesting how this goes over when we reconveen.  

Thanks for your two cents! ; )

Soc, on the off chance you may feel the urge to check your messages...
a question for you.

Dad had primary physical custody granted (joint legal) with an order to return in 3 months to "see how things are going".  The impression everyone got was that the judge may keep things the same or go back to 50/50 based on how the kids were doing.  Dad getting custody was based on the mediators report.  Mom fought it to trial.

My questions are these:

In your experience, when a judge grants a custody change on a temporary basis what types of change is he looking for that would lead to a decision to return to a previous custody timeshare (which was 50/50)?

Have you seen this done and what was the order upon return?

Thanks for

Hi Soc,

We are in Ca.  Mediation report came back recommending "sole physical custody to Father. Visitation to mother" (the timeshare works out to be about 70% dad/30% mom).  Joint legal.  Mother opposes and trial date looms near.

Mother stated that she would settle if the agreement was reworded to "joint physical with father having custody 70% and mother having custody 30%". Joint legal.

What is the legal benefit to keeping the wording state "sole physical custody" if the timeshare spilt is still 70/30?

I realize there is an emotional reaction here on her part, but would I be foolish to consider re-wording this report after 3 years getting to this point?

Thanks!

Hello,

Background: Mediation report came back recommending dad should have custody with visitation to mom of one night per week and eow.  

Reasons stated were mothers DUI while children were in her custody, many agressive boyfriends, children witnessing abuse, many, many moves, poor choices, etc.  

Mom would not agree to adopt report and has insisted on a trial and has refused all settlement offers.  Judge ordered her to undergo alcohol testing before returning for trial.

Now, like a scene right out of a movie, someone close to mom approached dad out of concern for kids with info that mom has been driving while intoxicated again, but this time with children in vehicle.  

In addition, she has had two small accidents due to drinking (one while children were with her - neither of which were reported to police) and that on one occassion mom forgot to pick up child due to her drinking.  

Prior to this info we had intended to try again to settle prior to trial.  Now we feel that this info is credible, most of it first hand and should be put before the judge and attempts be made to protect the children.

However, we don't have a lot of hard"proof" other than the potential testimony of the parties involved and mom's previous issues with alcohol being noted in mediation report and at recent hearing.  

I know this is a bit of a crystal ball question, but Soc, in your experience:

How likely would it be that the judge might act to make moms visitation supervised, order treatment or otherwise change the mediation report due to the recent events?

How best to use this new information to protect the kids?

Any thoughts around this would be greatly appreciated!!  : )

Hello,

I had to comment as your situation is VERY much like our situation in a number of key areas.  Mom also had DUI.  Mom also drove with suspended license with kids. Mom insisted son sleep with her "because she was lonely" until he was 11.  Actually stated this in mediaton.  She would strip his bed and tell him the cat peed on it to force him after he started saying no.  Mom also wouldn't get kids to school (because she wanted them to stay with her, also because she was lonely) and was permissive beyond reason (so they wouldn't get "mad" at her).

Husband just went through mediation to modify custody and was successful in getting a positive report for dad recommending physical custody to dad (70/30) and legal with mom 50/50.  Visitation to mom EOW and one eve a week.

What husband took to mediation was:

1. copy of her license showing suspension/copy of arrest report showing high alcohol content.
2. copy of attendence records from school; report cards; suspension notices, etc. (all of these were noted in mediators final report)
3. a calendar which showed that the days the kids were absent, suspended, sent to the office were moms days (because there would be no punishment at home).
4. emails from kids to dad talking about moms being drunk.
5. moms move/address history (17 times in 6 years)

The mediator talked to the kids twice.   He talked to the parents 4 times total. Didn't talk to step parents. Mom kept insisting that dad was only trying to lower CS payments.  Dad just kept stating that he was their to ensure his kids safety and best interests.  That he had "concerns", then he would lay out those concerns and how they effected the kids in negative ways. My husband is the logical type.  He had notes to rely on and doesn't fluster easily, even when baited.  No matter how emotional mom was or how much she openly lied, it didn't work.  

At the hearing the judge asked mom to take alcohol testing due to her DUI and it appeared he believed she was still drinking (despite her protests to the contrary).  The mediation report was adopted temporarily pending trial - mom objected to it and when asked what specifically she didn't like she said "I don't like it".

So, we aren't done yet, and it has taken two years to get to this point. But for us, mediation worked.  The mediator "got it".  We think it will settle.  We are in California.

I just wanted to tell you that sometimes it works well.  Good luck to you.

The report carefully documents mom's issues: alcohol (DUI), domestic violence (children have witnessed), many short term boyfriends-(always involving the kids), her depression (on meds).

The final recommendation was physical custody to dad with visitation to mom (70/30) 50/50 legal.  It doesn't go into tons of detail, but it is clear.

At the hearing judge adopted the report temporarily, asked mom to undergo alcohol testing and domestic violence classes before the settlement hearing and granted mom's request for a trial date.

After going through that hearing (which was quite embarrassing for mom) we didn't (and still don't) believe she actually wants to go to trial, but stranger things have happened.  

Hello there,


Currently we have 50/50, CA. We had positive medition report with recommendation of physical custody to dad 70/30, legal 50/50. Mom objected to report and trial date was set.  

After interview, mediator is sticking to their report. My husband feels if we offer to keep CS at current rate (based on 50/50) she will settle now as this will give her a way to still "win".  

I think she will settle anyway, due to the looming public exposure of her "issues" at trial.  However the expense of a trial is something we want to avoid.

So,

1.  In your experience, is stipping to keep CS at a higher rate a valid, common tool for pre-trial settlement?

2. Should we wait and offer less now, and wait to toss in CS as big gun closer to trial?

3.  Could this be done with a clause that if mother continues to litigate without real "change of circumstance" the offer is discontinued?

4. And finallly, since we are in the stronger position with regard to the report, should we offer to settle at all, or wait to see if they ask us?

I guess I'm looking for your input on the upside/downside of this plan.

Thank you so much!  

You offer such a valuable resource for all of us!  And I want you to know how much I, and I'm sure ALL of those who frequent SPARC, thank you so much for your advice and wisdom!!  : )