I can't see my girls because I am going to marry my ex-sister in law.

[jpl3700]

Help Please,

I have been married for seventeen years and with this person since February 1985.  Over the years I fell out of love with my very soon to be ex-wife.  During the past ten years I fell in love with my sister in law who is now going through a divorce.  We have become best friends over the past decade.  The issue at hand is my two daughters ages 10 and 7.  The girls have been brainwashed repeatedly by the mother, grandmother, grandfather, and brother about me destroying the two families.  Everytime I go to pick up the kids I get an order of protection violation or criminal charges against me.  The judge in New York stated that I can visit the children but, I can't bring them to see thier Aunt who I am dating an will soon marry.  I know this is complicated but if somone has gone through this experience I would appreciate any input.  I love my children unconditionally and I want the same from them.  I know they are confused but brainwashing from the other side does not help.

I did not explain in the first posting that during my marriage both of us have been verbally and physically abusive towards each other over the years.  I left the marriage in 2003 for a period of seven months.  During the seven months we decided to give it a second chance for the children's sake but, soon after the relationship became poison. We have not had any kind of love for over five years and the children notice this regularly.  I did not want my children to live with parents that hate each other.  Some of my family told me to stay with her just for the sake of the children.  Her family is telling the kids that since I love their aunt this is incest.  The aunt has no blood relation to me.

THE AUNT IS NOT MY EX-WIFES SISTER, SHE IS HER BROTHERS EX -WIFE, NO BLOOD RELATIONS.

I just want to see the kids and slowly have them adjust as best as possible.

[dipper]

I think you need to follow whatever the judge says to the letter.   The court is not looking out for your ex in this case, but the children.   From what I have seen, the courts are not pleased when parents immediately start dating and exposing the children to new love interests.  Children need time to adjust to the new situation, even if the adults dont.  In this case, it has to be way more confusing because so much of your children's family life has been disrupted.

In my opinion, your actions so far do not put the children first.  If you follow what the judge says...perhaps offer to do some family counseling with the children.....and after your marriage to the aunt...maybe you can begin to have more time with the children.

You cannot expect the other family members not to be angry about this...you cannot change what they do.  It is unfortunate the children are being exposed, but expected.   What's done is done....but, if you want a relationship with your children, they need to be put first from here on out...

[Jade]

>Help Please,
>
>I have been married for seventeen years.  Over the years I
>fell out of love with my very soon to be ex-wife.  During the
>past ten years I fell in love with my sister in law who is now
>going through a divorce.  We have become best friends over the
>past decade.  The issue at hand is my two daughters ages 10
>and 7.  The girls have been brainwashed repeatedly by the
>mother, grandmother, grandfather, and brother about me
>destroying the two families.  Everytime I go to pick up the
>kids I get an order of protection violation or criminal
>charges against me.  The judge in New York stated that I can
>visit the children but, I can't bring them to see thier Aunt
>who I am dating an will soon marry.  I know this is
>complicated but if somone has gone through this experience I
>would appreciate any input.  I love my children
>unconditionally and I want the same from them.  I know they
>are confused but brainwashing from the other side does not
>help.


Good for the judge for doing what is best for the kids.  Because you and the aunt sure didn't.

Did you really expect your stbx and the family that didn't betray your stbx to be happy that you and your stbx's sister are going to get married?  You and your stbx's sister destroyed two families.  

I wouldn't want my kids around my sister either if she did what your stbx's sister did.  

I really suggest that the kids get into counseling to help them deal with the fact that you left their mother for their aunt.  That has to be very confusing.  

[wendl]

Jade,

"I wouldn't want my kids around my sister either if she did that"

She didn't do anything to harm the kids, and neither did he, you just woulnd't approve of it,  that has nothing to to with what is best for kids. What is best is TWO parents who LOVE them, not how either parents feels about the other new parnter.

As long as the kids are not in danger I don't see the problem (I personally wouldn't date an ex family member but that is my choice) But I wouldn't deny my children their aunt or father either.

As this will be confusing for the kids, yes counseling for everyone not only the kids would be a good idea.

As for visiting your kids, if the aunt loves you, she will for now until you are married stay in the background so you can see the girls.  The judge didn't say you couldn't see the kids, just that your new parnter cannot be around the kids.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[backwardsbike]

Kudos Wendl. I agree with you 110%.  The adults are adults adn free to make their won choices.  But yes, it will likely be confusing for the kids and family counsleing with everyone would be helpful.

Would it be at all possible for mom and dad to have mediation with a family therapist who is also a  certified mediator.  We had one and it really helped in my situation.  The mediator/therapsit did therapy with the paretns ADN the kids, made it clear up front that she would not ever appear in court for either side and was a very good mediator on  top of it all.

[Jade]

>Jade,
>
>"I wouldn't want my kids around my sister either if she did
>that"
>
>She didn't do anything to harm the kids, and neither did he,
>you just woulnd't approve of it,  that has nothing to to with
>what is best for kids. What is best is TWO parents who LOVE
>them, not how either parents feels about the other new
>parnter.
>
>As long as the kids are not in danger I don't see the problem
>(I personally wouldn't date an ex family member but that is my
>choice) But I wouldn't deny my children their aunt or father
>either.
>
>As this will be confusing for the kids, yes counseling for
>everyone not only the kids would be a good idea.
>
>As for visiting your kids, if the aunt loves you, she will for
>now until you are married stay in the background so you can
>see the girls.  The judge didn't say you couldn't see the
>kids, just that your new parnter cannot be around the kids.
>
>
>**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

Both the aunt and father DID do harm to the children.  

First, the aunt had an affair with their father while he was still living with their mother.  She could have said no, she's my sister, I am the aunt to these kids.  I won't hurt them that way.  And walked away.  She wouldn't have broken up two families by doing that.

She didn't.

Second, he could have worked on his marriage rather than have an affair.  Or he could have chosen to have an affair (which would have still been harmful to his children) with someone that they weren't related to.  He wouldn't have broken up both families by doing that.  

Having their father planning to marry their aunt is not something that the children should have to deal with right now.  Of course, they should still see their father.  But not with other woman around.  He is still married.  

[escape2paradise]

I agree with you Jade.  What is this mentality that people should be able to do whatever they want as long as it feels good to them?  To heck with how it affect others or gosh forbid their own children.  As long as they are consenting adults, then so be it everyone else should just have to deal.  It's a crock of bull!  People put your kids first!  Being a parent is a selfless job not a selfish job.  

These self centered types are the same ones who sit around in their old age wondering why their own kids are too damn selfish to give a rats you know what about them.  Why they are too busy to come visit, why they don't have time to take them to a Dr. appt. For all you selfish parents, guess where your kids learned this non caring attitude! Here's a hint, LOOK in the MIRROR!  Duhh!

[Davy]

I don't condone in anyway the father and the aunt's behavior.  

This poster was providing some background in an expanatory manner in order to get advice concerning the children as follows :

************************************************************

The issue at hand is my two daughters ages 10 and 7. The girls have been brainwashed repeatedly by the mother, grandmother, grandfather, and brother about me destroying the two families. Everytime I go to pick up the kids I get an order of protection violation or criminal charges against me.  

I know they are confused but brainwashing from the other side does not help.

Her family is telling the kids that since I love their aunt this is incest. The aunt has no blood relation to me.

************************************************************

This is the crux of this post.  The emotional/psychological damage to the children brought on by the family members FAR OUTWEIGHTS the original act of the father and the aunt.

In my opinion, there is good cause for the father/aunt to file an immediate RESTRAINING ORDER preventing these dimwits from discussing or /commenting on the situation with the children.  

It may even rise to the level of the children's removal from these people and supervised visitation.  This is a form of child abuse.

[Jade]

>I don't condone in anyway the father and the aunt's behavior.
>
>
>This poster was providing some background in an expanatory
>manner in order to get advice concerning the children as
>follows :
>
>************************************************************
>
>The issue at hand is my two daughters ages 10 and 7. The girls
>have been brainwashed repeatedly by the mother, grandmother,
>grandfather, and brother about me destroying the two families.
>Everytime I go to pick up the kids I get an order of
>protection violation or criminal charges against me.  
>
>I know they are confused but brainwashing from the other side
>does not help.
>
>Her family is telling the kids that since I love their aunt
>this is incest. The aunt has no blood relation to me.
>
>************************************************************
>
>This is the crux of this post.  The emotional/psychological
>damage to the children brought on by the family members FAR
>OUTWEIGHTS the original act of the father and the aunt.
>
>In my opinion, there is good cause for the father/aunt to file
>an immediate RESTRAINING ORDER preventing these dimwits from
>discussing or /commenting on the situation with the children.
>
>
>It may even rise to the level of the children's removal from
>these people and supervised visitation.  This is a form of
>child abuse.

I agree that the adults shouldn't be discussing it with the kids in the detail that they may be.    

As for removing the children from these people, if that is the case, I don't think the father should get them at this time.  

What he and the aunt did is not outweighed by what the other family members are doing.  It is equal to what they are doing.  

I feel sorry for those kids.  Because nobody is putting them first.  

[krazyfamily_6]

It sounds to  me like the mother and her family in this situation are taking THEIR hurt and anger out by using the children as pawns.  

It is an unfortunate thing that happened but the kids should not be used in this way.  The mother needs to put the kids first and encourage a relationship between the children and their father.  

If the father is going to marry the aunt then that is just the way it is going to be.  Nobody can change what they did but is it fair to keep the children away for the rest of their lives because the mother is still hurt and angry?