Dilemma - request for advice (long)

[Davy]

oops !  just bumping your post.  I think thread is fine.

It may be a nice jester if you took some brownies (made with exlax bars) to BM .... you know .. wrapped in Xmas paper and all.   It may really help her get better.

[MYSONSDAD]

I worked at a place with a night guard who was stealing lunches from the lockers, we made him brownies, he spent a week in the hospital...

I guess when your full of sh!t, sh!t happens...

"Children learn what they live"

[MYSONSDAD]

In my opinion only, being nice does not get you far. Many have tried and failed.

>I have spoken with my attorney, and he says that I should just keep DD for that next week, if BM is still incapacitated. We have it in our agreement that the BM does the pick ups and the end of my parenting time (I drive in the beginning, I got that from this site, I think it was MB that had suggested it at some point, so thanks for that one!), so my basis will be if she's well enough to drive the hour to come get her, she's well enough to take care of her. In the past I have had no problem with gma picking DD up when BM was busy, and my wife has picked up DD once from her place<

Listen to your attorney...

"Children learn what they live"

[Davy]

I would like to add an opinion concerning gma being a "helping hand" to pickup DD when BM is occassionally busy.  I think that is fine and dandy !  

The difference at this point is that BM is unable to adequately care for DD when she returns home so Dad IS standing in the gap for DD's well-being (and irrelevant of gma's insecurities or loneliness).  Further, I think Dad's behavior and words would serve as a role model for proper parenting.  Parent first ... screw the NCP ... visitor titles because that is what is best for the child.   BD and DD will be OK !!!

[StPaulieGirl]

Cancer too?  No wonder she's paranoid.  I think the remark she made regarding talking to grandma indicates that perhaps grandma sees the wisdom of more involvement on your part.  Okay, from what I get from your posts is that BM has always been difficult to deal with.  If she's on heavy duty painkillers, she's going to be even more ornery.

Even though your daughter is 7, she is old enough to appreciate your concern and love.  She also sees that you are trying to ease the burden regarding her mom's health issues.  

People here are right about being nice and cooperative.  It can get you screwed.  Listen to your attorney.  Having said that, you could always sit down with BM and grandma, and explain that even though you did not find out about having a child until she was 3 yrs old, you've let go of any anger that you felt at the time.  Explain that you want to do right by your child, and in this case cooperating with her mother and picking up some slack until BM is back on her feet.  Point out that the child is worried about mommy being in the hospital, and with you pitching in to help out, it should ease her mind and make her feel more secure.

Well something like that.  Try and get through her paranoia, which is probably caused by her health issues and the meds.  

Good luck, and I hope you can get through to her.

[4honor]

Just a side note... I lost my step mom several years ago because cancer had eroded her bones enough (supposedly in remission for 10 years) to the point that she broke her collar bone from a short fall and it never healed... it just seemed to spread the cancer further around her body.

If BM has actually had cancer, then she may be at risk now for a recurrence.

And if she is anything like our PBFH, she has some new supposed disease every other week.

[rm1759]

Not too much has happened, but I thought I would post an update in case anyone wants to know what happened.

BM returned home dec 23rd.  She has a bed from the hospital at home.  Apparently she has 5 (maybe 7) compression fractures in her back.  She says that she will be back to normal in 3-4 weeks.  This is what has been going on since the middle of october.  She keeps telling me she will be back to normal very soon, but it is now going on 3 months since I have actually seen her.  (I have spoken with her on the phone).  I have the feeling they are not telling me the whole story.  Gma is still doing all of the dropoff's and pickups, and I continue to ask for more time with DD while they get through this difficult time, but I have yet to actually get to see her for anything outside of what is in our CO.  I did not force the issue on the second week of X-mas, even though the CO does state that the only people to do the drop off/pick up are BM and I.

I have done searching on this and other sites, and confirmed what mixed bag has said, I have not yet found any cases where there was any change done for debilitating physical reasons, and so I am still going to follow my attorney's advice, continue being supportive, and not try to force anything until I know more...

Thanks again for all of the info!

[Avaya]

Should I just go and get DD, and tell grandma tough, she can come back when BM is better?

That's EXACTLY what I'd do.  Or better, I'd wait till the next visitation and then just keep her till BM is able to care for her.  Cripes, it's insane how BM's will go to any length to have someone other than dad care for their child when she's not able.  When our Bm was in the hospital with pregnancy complications, SD stayed with grandma.  Recently when SD had her wisdom teeth removed, SD stayed with grandma, even though dad had the entire week off of work.  It's crazy!

That is your daughter and even without FROR or joint custody, I'd have her in my care if the other parent wasn't available if it was me.