New mom to this site

[MixedBag]

IMHO -- tell the mediator everything and be prepared to back it up as best as possible with documentation.

What gets said in mediation STAYS in mediation, period.

AND remember the mediator can't MAKE either side agree to anything, but a skilled mediator will know how to communicate with each side to get them to come to an agreement.

[miska78]

You are exactly right about everything here. And how did you know that his work environment was conducive to drug and alcohol abuse?

When you say advisor/counselor what do you mean? My own lawyer besides the mediator? How would that help? Would that person talk to the mediator? Right now he has agreed to mediation, but in order to actually go to court he has to take me and I think he would prefer not to do that because he would be afraid of how it would turn out.

I did talk to a lawyer twice about my situation. She told me that since I have full custody, I can do whatever I want and in her opinion I shouldn't let the dad have him at all that according to her he should only have supervised visitation.

But that didn't work of course because it wasn't court ordered and he doesn't respect me. In my state, he has to take me to court to get visitation rights otherwise he doesn't have any innately.

I guess earlier in my posts when I referenced him as a good dad, I think that is because he contacts me every day to see my son. That's good, right? But it is not good for me or for moving on with my life, and I don' t know sometimes if he wants to see our son, or me, or get me upset. As Davy said, I am confused, I definitely want to do the right thing, and I want to trust that the dad will not put our son in danger, and be willing to listen to some guidelines I put in place - mainly about safety issues, nutrition and absolutely no second hand smoke.

Those would also be the reasons I wouldn't want him to watch him 8 -9 hours a day. I think he would get bored and start driving around with S. illegally to his friends house, who would smoke around him, probably cigarettes and pot and just aren't people I think my son should be around.

I realize that is my opinion, I realize I got myself into this with him, and I take responsibility for that but at the same time, I am going to do everything I can to keep my son safe and give him a chance at life that doesn't involve substance abuse etc.

[miska78]

Thanks for your reply! I think I will tell the mediator everything and I'll bring my documentation along. I am hoping I can tell her this stuff in private. But I suppose that isn't fair?

The father makes me feel like I should just know he is a good father and that my concern about alcohol, drugs, second hand smoke is just me being ridiculous, and controlling, mean person.

[Ref]

A good step in mediation is to offer to do everything you expect him to do. As an example, if you ask that he be drug tested randomly, offer to allow to be drug tested yourself. If you ask that he contact you if he is sleeping away from his home with your child, suggest that you will follow the same rules.

DH went through mediation with a very hostile ex and came out very successful because forcing yourself to explain yourself to a stranger makes it obvious if you are being a fool. She agreed to pretty might everything. DH made very reasonable requests and was calm and professional. BM was not.

That being said, she didn't follow through with what she promised and DH ended up in court after another couple of years.

Again, good luck

Ref

[MixedBag]

I shared all the details I knew with my second mediator during one of our private sessions.

Until right now, I don't think my EX had a clue (see he or Camilla reads, and prints stuff I write here).

During mediation training, we were told that NONE of it can be shared with the other side, but what it does do is help us formulate a plan to get the other side to listen once we know what's really going on.

BTW -- participated in mediation twice, both times, it failed.

EX#3 participated at the highest level in NV -- failed.

Neither one of our EXs could put our kids first and their right to have a relationship with their other parent (the NCP) second.  

That was the heart of the problem.....anyways, life moves on and has brought many surprises since then.

GOOD LUCK!

[BecauseIJustDid]

Putting aside the fact that he has REALLY bad habits... I think you're a good parent for realizing there's more to kids than fighting over who gets to see them when. Good luck. Looks like you have a lot of great advice already.

[janM]

Becauseijustdid...
You are replying to some older (3 months) posts. We're glad that you're "searching" if it helps your situation...but some posters don't return after a while.

Just so you know...