How to deal

[TwoBoys]

Luckily, our ss isnt old enuogh to talk yet, so I am afraid of what is yet to come, if its already that bad.  L ucky for us, the one time weve had to face the judge he was understanding of our side, and actually ripped the BM a new one.  Basically, she flew him to us one friday, he came to us with a fever, no other symptoms.  Over the weekend, he was cranky, but the fever was manageable with motrin.  We called his pediatrician, who said that if there was nothing but a fever, not to bring him in, not to bring him to the ER, that he would be fine, until there were symptoms to treat, theres not much to do, and as long as we were giving him motrin and keeping the fever managable, thats about all they could do.

We met her halfway on sunday, she demanded we return him right then and there (early), he had stopped taking a bottle that morning, and was fussy in the car, but had slept good the night before, she took him home, immediately took him to the ER, had him seen by her brother who is a dr (how convenient), and of course, his life was in danger.  Not really of course, he was dehydrated b/c he wouldnt take a bottle, and all they did was give him fluid and motrin.  SHe basically tried ot say that we made him sick, that it was our fault, etc.  

Now, come our next visitation, he had a fever and she said he couldnt possibly travel, got drs orders from her brother that he was not to travel until the condition improved.  The day we were supposed to get him he had no fever, and she still refused to bring him.  Yet, it was perfectly ok, in fact it was REQUIRED that we travel to brin ghim to her when he was sick.  Yeah, ok.

She took it in front of hte judge, trying to make us get supervised visitation b/c of that.  The judge laughed in her face basically and said she had no more parenting experience than we did, in fact less depending on how you look at it (i have a 6 yr old), and that all parents live and learn.  The child getting a cold was no fault of ours and was no reason to order supervised visits.  She then tried the whole "he has seperation anxiety" tactic.  He told her that she had no way of knowing if he was having a hard time seperating from her or if maybe it was really the child had a hard time seperating from his father when she moved 8 hours away.  That if she was concerned about seperation anxiety she wouldnt have removed him from his father.  And he ended it with telling her that she was the one that seemed to be displaying symptoms of seperation anxiety, and her problems were not his concern, so she should get over it.

Hopefully it will continue to go this way.  Our only problem is its costing us a fortune, and shes trying to get us to pay her legal fees.  Why we should have to pay each time she feels like pulling something is beyond me.

But, im afraid of what all her ranting and raving will do to our relationship with ss.  :(

The worst part, if anyone ever had a good reason to bad mouth a NCP, it would be me with my Oldest sons father.  And still, despite the things hes done, I would NEVER ever mention it or bad mouth him in front of my son.  I know that b/c he really is just that bad, that my son will have no problem coming tothat conclusion all on his own.  

In the meanwhile, all we can do is try to make the most of the little time we do get to spend with our kids.

TwoBoys...

[Kboeds]

Okay.. I thought about this while typing my last post, but felt it was getting too long so I didn't mention it.

Onedaddy, we have had the same problem with dh kids going home and saying that we did something mean to them. BM complaining and saying that the kids have told the school, the councelors, Dr. etc... and that she was going to make sure the judge knew so that we wouldn't get to see the kids anymore.
(remember the survival technique I mentioned in my earlier post.?)

So, sk's were going home and telling BM that we did things we either didn't do, or making things we did do sound really bad. Such as saying that dad punished him for being a bed wetter,..etc.. etc..
When this has happened, this is what dh did...  for kids who can talk and reason this has worked for us.

Dh with SS...
DH ; did you tell your school and your mom that I punished you for being a bed wetter and you didin't want to come see me anymore?  

SS; No

DH; mom said you told her and the school that, so was mom being dishonest with me or are you afraid to tell me.

SS; shrugs

DH; you know I have never punished you for being a bed wetter..

SS; yes you have...

DH; when..

SS; refers to a visit when he got in trouble for wetting his pull up when he was awake and watching TV..

DH; Your right, I got upset with you for that, and if it happened again I would get upset again. You are too old to be wetting your pants when you are awake and I will not change my mind about that. I did not punish you, I told you that was unacceptable and that if it happened again you would be punished. And that was not about bed wetting.  

Dh; Do you want to stop seeing me?
SS;  No
DH;  Do you know that when you tell mom and the school that I did things to you that aren't true, they can make the judge say you can't see me anymore.

SS; no  (Keep in mind, he doesn't know BM's agenda, he is just trying to get ice-cream)

Dh; well they can, and I don't want that.. so if you are truly upset about something I said or did to you then I want you to come talk to me and see if we can work it out first. Okay?

SS okay..

DH and SS... lots of hugs and I love you Bud!!!

We have not heard any complaints from mom since that conversation.  We have had talks about things that have happened that he feels are unfair. We have followed through with him talking to us about the situation before he feels the need to run to mom.

Don't get me wrong here people... We have had hell dealing with all of this for the last 4 years and we still have a long way to go.  Like I said before, when something new comes up, we just try to figure out a way to calmly combat it.  

You said your children like the visits, so help them to understand that telling on you could get you taken away from them and that you really don't want that to happen. I don't know how old your kids are onedaddy, but maybe you and your children can come up with a list.. what are truly bad things mom, and doctor should be told about, and what are not bad things.
Truly bad thing.... Dad hit me and left a mark on my back!
Not a bad thing... I was getting my hand too close to the fire and dad hit my hand away from it.
(both could easily go back to mom or doctor as Dad Hit Me!!)
Once the kids have helped you make the list, maybe it will help them to not tell the doctor "dad hit me" because he kept the childs hand out of the fire. (Just an example)

Boy.. I'm really sorry that I keep saying so much in these post. This is something that is really close to my heart and it makes me sick that so many people have to deal with ex's like this.

I should really shut up now... I think I will change my name to jabber box..
KB

[onedaddy]

Firstly SD is 8 and ss is 5.  We are in counseling ourselves and she has told us to NEVER confront them.  That they are tellin BM what she wants to here and they are doing this to survive.  To tell them that we heard this and that from mmmy would be too scary.  Even though the kids know about everything because BM talks to them about court.  The counselor told us to never so much as say the word court or judge in their presence.  I agree with you confront them and explain even though I am pretty sure they understand most of this.  I am confused, I want DH so badly to be able to confront them and teach them it is wrong to lie, it is wrong to strtch the truth, sometime their actions are hurtful.  I want them to grow to be empathetic, something there BM lacks completely.

 

[Kboeds]

I feel bad using up dippers post on all of us. If you would like to chat more about this feel free to email me at [email protected]. I would love to chat with you, I know how frustrating it can me.

KB