confused and tired

[luckydad]

Hello all.  I am the custodial parent of my 13 year old son.  He has lived with me full time for 3 1/2 years now.  Before that,  his mother and I shared physical custody.

BM has gone through times when she doesn't see our son at all for weeks at a time, doesn't call either.  Then she will go through times when she asks for more time and spends as much time as she can with him.  Just never know what to expect with her.

I know my son loves his mom and wants to spend more time with her.

Two months ago, BM filed a motion with the courts asking for sole custody of our son.  BM is claiming that our son wants to live with her and that he is depressed and withdrawn living with me.

I did speak to my son and asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about.  He told me that he does not like having a bedtime and doesn't like having to check in with me.  At BM's he does neither, according to him. I see these as mere teen complaints that do not warrant a change in custody. 

My son, I'm sure, feels torn.  When he is with his BM, he wants to live with her........when he is with me, he is happy and wants to stay here.

I have been thinking about a 50/50 split but BM and I do not live in the same school district and I do not want my son to switch schools.  I was thinking about asking that my school district remain his school district and BM drive him to school on the days she has him.  It's about a 18 mile distance between BM's house and the school. She says that is too much running.  **I used to make the trip to take our son to school when he went to school in BM's district about 4 days a week**

Anyhow, I have a meeting with my attorney today and he seems confident that BM has no evidence to support her claims and that there has not been a substantial change to warrant changing custody.

I guess I'm just looking for advice from those who have been there/done that. 

Oh, our current situation is;  BM gets 3 weekends a month for parenting time, plus we rotate holidays.  She also has a midweek visit plus can take 5 weeks of summer vacation time.  In the last three years that he has lived here, BM has never taken more than a few days in the summer and has never practiced a midweek visit.  Most of the time she does not take him for all of the holiday time either, just the actual holiday day. 

Any words of wisdom here??

[ksmarks]

It is really difficult for all parties involved when there is a custody dispute going on, I can so relate to your being both tired and confused, hang in there as this too shall pass.

As far as your son not wanting to check in and have a bed time, I agree, that is the norm not the exception, however, as I always told my kids you get what you need, not what you want.  All children need limits and it is up to the parents to establish them. ( Sets the kids up for life after mom and dad, and on to work and the like).

Anyway his wanting to live with mom is not usually enough, and if there have been no other chances in circumstances, the chances are good that there would be no change in custody.

Changing schools is a major hinderance to most kids, and not to be done lightly, and it sounds as if he has already changed schools once.  He is currently in middle school and should be bonding with his peers and finding his own niche, a change now could spell trouble down the road, not to mention the stress of trying to fit in and find your own place with a new group of kids as well as school staff.

If mom does not currently excercise her visitation rights as they currently stand, I can't imagine anyone thinking that your son's best interest would be served in a custody change.

My advise would be chin up and hang in there, and encourage your son to love and be involed with his mother.

Good luck with your attorney today.

[gemini3]

I agree with your attorney.  From what you have posted there has been no change in circumstance.  It sucks though that you will have to shell out the money for an attorney because she has filed on a whim.  Have you tried mediation with her to see if you can pacify her with more visitation?  Chances are she won't excercise it, based on her past history.

Your son is at that age where he probably feels like all of your rules are stupid and unnecessary.  That will probably go on for another few years.  Maybe he would do well with more flexibility regarding seeing his mom?  A lot of children don't understand why they can only see one of their parents on certain days yet, as an example, they can see their friends whenever they ask.  Maybe give him the option to see his mom more often if he feels like he wants to hang out with her, as long as it doesn't interfere with his school work or extra-curricular.

Also, the fact that she kind of disappears on him sometimes probably makes him insecure about his relationship with her.  He may be telling her he wants to live with her as a way to gain her attention.  He knows you love him and are there for him, but he may not feel like that about his mom if she is inconsistent and chooses not to see him when she could.  He might be motivated by a need to feel like he is wanted by her.

[MomofTwo]

I agree with Gemini....Mom has to prove change of circumstance and how it would be in the child's best interest for a change in custody.


The courts are highly unlikely to change it from joint legal to sole custody, especially based on the things you have said.

What state are you in?  I know there are some states (very few) that will actually allow the child at age 12 to say who they want to live with. Georgia I believe is one of those states, but this is definitely not the norm.

You wrote ...I know my son loves his mom and wants to spend more time with her.... it does sound like he just wants to have the choice of spending more time with her.  He knows you love him, he feels secure with you.  He may need to feel that from his mother.   I think Gemini made some excellent observations and recommendations.

I also think what you are thinking about (I have been thinking about a 50/50 split but BM and I do not live in the same school district and I do not want my son to switch schools.  I was thinking about asking that my school district remain his school district and BM drive him to school on the days she has him.  It's about a 18 mile distance between BM's house and the school. She says that is too much running.  **I used to make the trip to take our son to school when he went to school in BM's district about 4 days a week**) truly shows you have his best interest and the fact you made that offer (or make it) shows you are truly willing to co parent and put his needs first and that offer willl go a long way in the eyes of the court.   It shows you aren't trying to keep her out, it shows you are listening to his needs, and it shows you are wiling to coparent.   

[ocean]

Around 12 they can say what they would like but don't get to choose. They would be asked why they want to move and if he says "well, I dont have a bedtime at moms" it will show clear what is going on. It really depends on the judge. We have had the law guardian there for the kids voice and then she asked for the kids to possibly testify. If they do, both sides have the right to question the kids, even if it is in the judge's chambers. Our lawyer sent in questions for the LG to ask so the judge could hear the answer.

Really though...this should not go that far. Sounds like she doesnt have the evidence to switch custody.

[MomofTwo]

Right, that is in most states....but in Georgia, there is actually a law that allows the child to select which parent they want to reside with.  I wasn't sure of the age and double checked...at the age of 14 Georgia law says the child can pick which parent they want to live with as long as the parent has not been deemed unfit.  I think it is one of very few states they actually allows the child to decide.

This is probably totally irrelevant here unless they reside in Georgia and the child is 14 (which he isn't) , but you are right,  almost all states don't care what the child has to say and the child does not get to pick.

[ocean]

The law in Georgia only lasted a year I think but it was changed..

"As of January 2008, children age 14 or older of divorcing parents canno longer determine which parent they want to live with. In furtherattempt by the court to foster a cooperative relationship between theparents after divorce, it is now mandated by Georgia state divorce lawthat parents of minor children in every divorce case must submit adetailed parenting plan to the Georgia family court for approval."

[MomofTwo]

Thank you Ocean!

[luckydad]

Thanks for all of your advice!  I really appreciate it.

I met with my attorney who said BM does not have a substantial reason to change custody at this time.  He is going to ask for a GAL to get involved.  He is also going to ask BM if she has any medical documentation to back up her claims that our son is "depressed". 

I guess we will see what happens next.