ex changed her mind after summer plans were made?

[itsalluphillfromhere]

Crazy update - So my ex. wanted to know my travel plans flights etc.  I told her it was none of her business which it is not.  She threatened to not exchange the boys.  I gave in, she still said they could not come. I had to tell the boys.  They gave her hell.  She then decided they could go to my house the next day and stay an extra two weeks.  Now I'm on vacation, extended my stay and she e-mails me telling me to meet her on the regular schedule two weeks early or she will call the police.  I say go ahead let me know which department so I can send them the e-mails where you give them to me for the extra time. No answer as suspected.  Then she is on facetime with my youngest and sees his 16-year-old cousin tickling him and accuses him of molesting him.  Thankfully my older one is in the room and tells her via text to cut the crap out.

[ocean]

Which travel plans, with the kids? Mom should get the itinerary only IF the kids will be with you. You may also want to talk to kids about limited when they call mom or how many times they answer her. They are older so can do it themselves, some people have it that kids call every other day at 7pm or whatever to limit the craziness between the two families. Also, no more face timing with mom. THat is serious what she tried to pull. Text or calls and let the kids know it is okay to let it go to voicemail and call her one time a day or text one time a day "had a great day, text you tomorrow" then ignore.

Ignore the rest, kids are with you , no reason to answer her or even deal with her. Have you phone ignore her calls , let them go to voicemail and enjoy your time with the kids.

[itsalluphillfromhere]

Now my ex is trying to put the shoe on the other foot so to speak.  Last night as I was saying goodnight to my 12-year-old he asked me if he could attend an annual summer party next Saturday during my time.  I explained to him that it would be best for his mother and I to work it out.  he then pushed a little.  I think I may have gone too far in my explanation.  I told him that we already had plans, he asked what they were, I told him, he then asked again if he could go to the party.  I asked him how he found out about the party.  He told me his mother told him.  I explained that he would not have known about the party unless his mother told him so he would not feel like he was missing anything.  I then explained to him that I would need to work it out with his mother and that it is not appropriate for her or I to tell him or his brothers about plans they may miss on weekends and reminded him that this is not something I have done nor intend to do.   Needless to say, there was a long email string between her and I with me trying to change weekends, her smugly refusing knowing the boys would be upset with me. 

my boys have long memories and for things they want to have memories of.  My fear is they will selectively choose to remember that I keep them from attending activities such as this.  This whole thing is making me very angry, saddened, and guilty at the same time.

We do have plans to go camping with some of their friends and she is trying to manipulate time that I spend with the boys.  Make them upset at me and exercise control.

Any and all advice is much appreciated.

[MixedBag]

That is a very good game and I'm glad you recognize it.  It's also one of those things mentioned in Divorce Poison...  if it weren't for that book, I think I would have gone INSANE with all the stupid games my EX played like that too.

Can you truly not make it happen?  It's hard to say "do this" or "do that" -- not knowing the logistical details --

When I had situations like that -- geography was how I made my decisions.

Many times once our son was here, he would forget about what he was missing at Dad's who had primary residential custody.  Out of signt out of mind kicked in easily.

Sometimes a vague answer to the EX is a way to calm them down -- "Thanks for letting me know about the party and we shall see if we can fit that into the weekend for our son." -- that's not confirming, that's checking to see if you can fit it in.   Since it's your child's weekend with you immediately, you can't switch to make sure you get makeup time....since Mom likes to play games....  And you can't fault the child totally for wanting to go at that age and wanting to be included in activities with his peers -- particularly if it's a good activity.  Yes, you can fault MOM for telling him, but chances are he's gonna find out anyways later in school or something.

[itsalluphillfromhere]

I could make it happen however I had already planned a camping trip to go away with one of his and his brother's friends and their family.  The campsite is a 2-hour drive so geographically there is no way I could make this work without an extra 4 hours ride.   I would have to cancel that trip in order to drop the boys off with their mother for 4 hours.  She refuses to exchange weekends.  I'm hoping they will forget but this topic seems to be one that they hold onto.  BTW there was absolutely no way he was going to find out about this one because he does not hang out with these friends unless there is a party which only happens once or twice a year.


The problem in this case with a vague answer is that my ex-choose to tell my boys about the party and have them ask me instead of coming to me first.  I know my boys are upset about missing the party because they did not answer my call last night to say goodnight.

All that said I do think they will understand more once we meet up with their friends and I explain that the trip would have to have been canceled. 

[MixedBag]

I was going to suggest that you stay for the party -- instead of dropping them off with their mom.....it's your time with the boys, so ok, they wanna go, so you take them.

So....about 3 hours before the party -- you ask "Guys do you wanna go or do you wanna ABC?"  And hopefully they will say ABC....and then you don't show. 

Tell her you'll be bringing them if they wanna go and what's the address?  Then later the answer becomes "They didn't wanna go, sorry"....

OR she backs off because you're gonna bring them.

[itsalluphillfromhere]

that won't work as she has made sure that they will feel uncomfortable because I'm bringing them.  I'm just going to explain to them that plans were made and in the future, I am happy to switch time with mom she just needs to do it in a time frame that I can accommodate her.  Furthermore, I will be canceling an entire weekend with friends for a few hours. 

She sent me another email last night saying my 12-year-old was asking to go a few more times.  That said he did not bring it up with me when I called him to say good night yesterday.

[MixedBag]

Good luck!  My EX too tried to do that....and at the end, I won them over and they wondered WTH because they didn't like the new "wife" he basically traded me in for.  I kept saying OH well, there's nothing I can do or want to do, I'm moving on and I'm ok.  I too traded for a new husband, and the difference was that folks liked him....(but over time he changed....and so he got fired by me as well). 

Maybe that's something that needs to be worked on.  If the kids go to a public event, both parents should be there and feel comfortable being there.  My MD's husband has an EX....and its really wonderful how they all get along and I even get along with her.  Now that doesn't mean I don't like some of her quirks which is why there was a divorce, but the daughter is put first.....

I wish EX#2 of mine would figure that out.  EX#1 has....and we tolerate each other's presence and can have short conversations and important conversations, but it took him YEARS not to be an outright butthole to me in their presence.  The kids got it more than you know as to where the fault was,

And that was my point in sharing this....the kids do get it many times.

[itsalluphillfromhere]

all is well that ends well!  My 12 year old explained to me this evening that he understood that his mom was playing games and did not appreciate it and it was not appropriate for her to act that way.  At this point, my boys have her number. The more games she plays and the more pain she causes is eventually going to cause a  problem for her relationship with them.  It's too bad but no matter what I say her sole focus is to hurt me.  These last couple of episodes (the molestation accusations, not signing them up for soccer, and a few others have opened my boy's eyes even more) 

I used to feel like I was doing the wrong thing by showing them many of the e-mail exchanges between her and me to prove to them that I did not say or do what they came to believe from her.  Now I am so happy I have.  My relationship with them is much stronger because they know for a fact that I don't lie to them. I don't try to hurt them, and I try my best to work it out with their mom without involving them.

I'm so happy and relieved that I seem to getting past the point of her being able to alienate them from me which she so much wanted to do.

This episode just cemented it for me!

[MixedBag]

yeah!