Should I Force Daughter to Discuss Female Issues with Dad?

[iceclimber]

incorrect

[Kitty C.]

I think the whole issue is that Dad is trying to force dau. into talking about intimate things with him and she is just not comfortable doing this.  Apparently going to an appt. or hearing it from the mother isn't enough for him.  Personally, I think the guy is WAY out of line in demanding that his daughter tell him all the details of her intimate life.  IMO, there might be severe psychological repercussions if he continues down this path.  I wouldn't blame the dau. one bit if she eventually refused to communicate with him at all.

I think the mother is doing all she can in a very tricky situation and getting a psychologist involved is a VERY good idea.  I just hope that the dad will listen to a professional.

I also commend the mother in trying to help the dau. establish a relationship with her MD.  She's absolutely right, in that the dau. needs to feel comfortable talking to her MD about anything and know that it will remain confidential.  Developing that trust in a medical professional early is important and not often seen.  In this day and age, you HAVE to be proactive in your health care and the younger it's started, the better off one will be.

[Ref]

Do you personally know this person? I'm just asking because you seem to be adament that he is truely "forcing" the daughter. In my experience, people tend to exaggerate things by using terms like that to get the opinion they want.

DH's ex was always doing that. If he told her he didn't agree with her, she said he was abusing her. My own mother to this day still uses terms like this to try to manipulate me against my dad (I am in my mid-thirties).

I wasn't positive that this was what she was doing but it did seem to support this when she started talking about what her parenting wants were.

When she said that she wouldn't divulge personal information from conversations she had with her daughter even strengthened this feeling. That was a pathetic excuse not to have a real conversation about her daughter's development with her ex. There is no reason why she couldn't have a adult conversation with her ex about this without betraying any confidences. Made me feel that a little manipulation might be going on here.

Anyway, I still feel confident in my advice if this is true or not. If she is open and willing and even proactive in involving her ex, chances are he will not feel the need to talk to the daughter directly.

If he really is pushing his daughter to talk about things she isn't comfortable with, there is nothing BM can do about it except making every effort to let BF understand what is going on and try to make herself as the go-to person for this information.

I also think that having a relationship with the MD like that is a good thing, but this doesn't need to be the starting point of the relationship. If it is too explosive of an issue, I would think maybe the MD relationship development can be put on the back burner to keep the child out of a heated debate.

JMHO
Ref

PS I was really asking if you know her because that might change my opinion on the situation. I wasn't being sarcastic  

[Davy]

Kitty I'm surprised ... no..very surprised with your responses on this issue.

First of all like I said in an earlier post I didn't like the word 'force'.  My reasoning is that males are taught from a very young age that these issues are sensitive to females.  I think it would be highly unlikely that
any father would 'force' a conversation with an 11 yr old.  As a matter of fact, I think most males shutter somewhat communicating with a daughter, especially a young daughter, about these matters.

I suspect all the father wants/desires is to be informed about the well being of his daughter by the adult mother bear.  Do you think it is at all possible mothers use these issues to self promote their own egos ??  I'm really serious.  

Unfortunately, I'd bet that the first conversation a father usually has with a daughter (or a son) concerning sexually is when it is too late ie pregancy.

I'm also betting the mother chose/retained the MD and psychological professionals.  I would never turn the welfare of my child over to the whims (whatever they say) of a psychologist carte blanche.

Again, I hope your're not offended.  Just the opinions of a father with a grown daughter and grand daughter that grew up with a house full of sisters running around half naked.  The pool hall was a half block from the church and the pool hall had a 'sexology' reference book just in case anybody had any questions.    

[iceclimber]

then i wouldn't bet money on it if i were you. the crystal ball you are using doesn't work.

it is unfortunate that on this board some cannot get past their own scars. forever prejudging others unjustly based on their own experiences, which may not fit the situation at hand.

it's just not productive and it's off base.

i can see the wording could have been better phrased. however, i don't know how else to describe what he is asking.

i can also see the point that maybe he would not wish for her to have dr. patient confidentiality. so that was a good point.

this is all the more reason we need a parenting coordinator.
he blatantly said in writing he will only go to a parenting coordinator if i
1. pay for all of the services and
2. give him total decision making regarding the children (all in writing)

why does either of us have to give up our rights to raising our children to do the right thing and make this life better for them by reducing the conflict?

i only want to reduce the conflict for them....
so this particular issue will remain on the back burner, until such a time that he stops canceling the therapy appointments with the therapist he unilaterally chose.

to me  therapy for the children is only a band aid.... for what?
a problem that we made.

we made this mess... we should be the ones to fix it. and i truly feel a coordinator can help us with that.  i want someone that will show me the right way to communicate with him.

and i want to be able to communicate with him without being called foul names or yelled at in front of the children.

this is hurting them!

[Kitty C.]

Certainly don't know them personally...........But a LOT of huge red flags went up for me when the mother stated that the father refused everything except for getting the info directly from the daughter.  You are absolutely right, Davy.  Why WOULD a father, in this day and age, want to pry into the intimate details of his daughter's life?  That's my question and has been all along.  Something majorly is wrong here and if the father isn't satisfied with going to the MD appt. and still wants a face-to-face detailed discussion with his daughter about it, I can bet you dollars to donuts that girl will clam up completely.  And that creates a whole other set of possibilities:  Dad blames Mom because Dau. won't talk and Mom is upset with Dad for even trying and then Dau. feels guilty because Mom and Dad are fighting because of her....ad nauseum.

In this instance, I don't give a damn about either parent.  It's the child who could get very hurt psychologically.  I also find it hard to believe that the father can't see this and is willing to jeopardize his relationship with his daughter over this issue.  Like I said before, it's a CONTROL issue.  And the OP is right........the daughter isn't the one who needs the direction and help right now, it's the parents, as they are the ones who have to rectify it.  But if they don't, then the daughter will no doubt be in need of assistance and pay the price.....sooner or later.  Pushing an issue like this on an 11 y.o. girl could cause irreparable harm, which may not fully manifest itself until later in her life, when she can't figure out why she has so many relationship problems.  I may be barking up the wrong tree, but in this case, there's not too many trees this issue could go up and this tree is certainly a possibility.  No, I'm not a psychologist, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that doing something like this to an 11 y.o. is absolutely insane.

As always, JMO...........

[Ref]

I don't know anyone who would venture on to a board like this that doesn't have a decent amount of baggage. This is an amazingly emotional situation for everyone. That is why I like to disclose in my posts that I am biased and make assumptions based on my experience.

Hopefully you will take this as an opportunity to see if there is another viewpoint and not just disregard the opinions people send because you don't think they apply.

I have been told on this board that I have been wrong more than once. It feels prety awful, but it is as honest of advice as you will get out there and mostly very helpful.

It seems that you really need to focus on what you can do on your end without expecting to change anything about your ex. I still think you stepping in the front lines and giving as much info as he might want would do a lot to keep the pressure off your daughter.

Maybe you can talk with your daughter about how to discuss this stuff with her BF that won't upset her. Maybe give her a vocabulary that isn't quite as uncomfortable. Maybe find a book on how to talk to your daughter about this stuff or a website and forward it to BF so that he can get some hints on how to approach it in a more sensitive way.

I don't know. Just throwing ideas out.

Best wishes
Ref

[iceclimber]

i understand.....
and i have not disregarded all opinions. in fact, some things said gave me a great deal to think about. i agreed that it was a good point that he may not agree that her having a confidential relationship with her md.

i even agreed, that i should have phrased the post differently.

however, at this point in time we have no co-parenting. he calls the shots. and unless i want to upset the children with a tug of war for control, he usually gets what he wants.

i am trying to learn how to effectively deal with my ex. in a class i took, i learned that not using words like 'you, or you should or you will'.... etc.

basically words that would create a defensive posture and build communication barriers.

so now most times i say something like.... 'when you say ..... , it makes me feel like you mean..... is that what you are trying to say?'

co-parenting in a high conflict situation is delicate. so i try not to respond emotionally to the threats or attacks. then i try to only pick out the parts of the communication that are relevant and necessary to respond to in order to raise our children.

i have a note above my computer screen that reads  "will responding benefit the kids"

so with this situation.... it will be handled gingerly.

[Davy]

YOU POSTED :
>then i wouldn't bet money on it if i were you. the crystal ball you are >using doesn't work.

geesh !  what is "it" ... basically this is non-communication since nobody is a mind reader

>it is unfortunate that on this board some cannot get past their own >scars. forever prejudging others unjustly based on their own >experiences, which may not fit the situation at hand.

What ? can not get past their own scars ?  ... followed by "forever prejudging others unjustly based on ..."

What scars ??  followed by a judgement statement exagerrating the statement with 'Forever' just like you used of the word 'force'.
Simply amazing !  

Can you please explain why you do this ?


>it's just not productive and it's off base.

does this mean you are only going to listen to someone that agrees with you and encourages you ?

>this is all the more reason we need a parenting coordinator.

what does a parenting coordinator do or provide ?


Bottom line : there was nothing condensending or negative with my post. I can't make heads or tails of your post.  
 

[wendl]

11 is a hard age for boys and girls.  

I know when I was 11 and even older even though I was soo close to my dad I would never discuss girl things with him, I discussed it with my stepmom (rarely my own mother as I did not feel comfortable)

Now my son is 16 and he has always asked me questions and still does, I am glad he feels comfortable coming and asking me questions.

Explain to your ex it has nothing to do with him, but many many girls are uneasy talking about these things to their dads, explain to him you would be happy to discuss the DR appt, or let him come and speak with the DR alone after your daughter had a chance to speak ALONE with the DR.  

If your ex feels really strongly about this, have him talk with your daughter about it-and see what happens.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**