Should I Force Daughter to Discuss Female Issues with Dad?

[iceclimber]

Our 11 year old daughter has a physical coming up. i told dad that for this particular appointment i would like to take our daughter to it as she and i had some questions for the doctor (private female issues).

he has now demanded that i get our daughter to share these things with him.

even if we were still married, these are things i would not be discussing with him.

she was uncomfortable when he made the subject of her wearing a bra an issue and has expressed that she does not wish to discuss these issues with him or in his presence.

the doctor has mentioned it is about time for the hpv shot. and i would like for our daughter to have an opportunity to discuss it with her doctor first. this does not mean that i would make the decision without her dad's involvement to let her get the shot.

what do you think?

[Davy]

What do I think ??

I think your post and the subject matter is a reflection on your apparent manipulative and controlling ways and unfortunately your sickness is being transferred to your daughter.

[Kitty C.]

If dad wants to be involved, then tell him he has to come to the appt.  Then you can have the MD tell him why he should NOT be forcing his pre-teen daughter to talk to him about things that are embarassing for her in the first place.  Obviously he hasn't been open enough with her to this point that she feels comfortable enough going to him about things like this.  And the surest way for him to push her away is to 'demand' that she discuss all of this with him.  If you know anything about teenagers, the more you want them to talk, the more they clam up.

If he's so interested in her health, he should be going to the medical appts. anyway, not relying on his daughter to tell him everything.

One other thing.........make sure that you are in the discussion about the HPV vaccine.  At 11 years old, everything that's going on in her body is confusing enough, without adding the concern of whether she should get a vaccine.  She will most likely defer to you as to whether she should get it or not.  One thing to remember...you will or may have already heard the pros and cons about the vaccine.  Weigh the risks against the advantages and discuss this thoroughly with the MD.  Also, this vaccine does NOT prevent all cervical cancers, only ones caused by certain primary strains of HPV.  And this does NOT negate the neccesity of having yearly exams and paps.

And if I can make a suggestion.........  When my son was born, I left the decision to circumcise up to his dad.  I never gave him my opinion about it one way or the other.  When he asked me why I was deferring completely to him about this issue, I told him that I, as a female, cannot possibly know whether it should or shouldn't be done, as I obviously don't have that anatomy.  Get the idea?  If your ex has an opinion about this, certainly listen, but also try to explain to him that, with it being a strictly female issue, the final decision should be made between the MD, your daughter, and you, whether you agree with his opinion or not.  I know that I may very well get lambasted here for this kind of thinking, but this is one issue that certainly separates us, IMO.

I've been through 3 abnormal paps and the procedures that follow...I wish that this vaccine had been around 20-25 years ago and maybe I wouldn't have had to go through all the stress of that.  

[Kitty C.]

I know that both you and I have pretty strong feelings about these kinds of issues, but really think about this.

Personally, if this had been me and my father demanded that I talk to him about these issues, I would have told him to go to he!!.  A father having an open relationship with his daughter that makes her comfortable enough and willingly come to him to discuss these issues with him is one thing.  For a father to 'demand' that she talk to him about it, is a whole other matter.  I could see this causing serious psychological harm to her, not to mention driving a self-inflicted wedge between father and daughter.

[Davy]

Kitty;  I completely understand and agree full heartfully with your response especially as it relates to the father-daughter relationship.  

My response and issue is clearly with the mother's unwillingness to communicate with the father as it relates to the health of the daughter...

it's reasonable to inquire why the boys aren't mature enough to go watch 'the coveted film' and why  you have to crawl under the house and dig up (again) the bathroom plumbing (3 sisters) or why your oldest little sister is in the doctor's exam room screaming over a tipped uterus ... no problem
 
and when some young women burn their bras on the state house steps while 'Oh Ruby' plays on the radio ... I have a little problem

Roll forward a number of years and ask why your fully insured daughter is not receiving the necessary medical or emotional care UNLESS THE MOTHER CALLS while the local womens club is at school getting some attractive female teacher show your pre-teen son how to put a condom on a banana ... I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM ..let me repeat A HUGE PROBLEM

If ya'll dont have a huge problem then there is something seriously wrong with ya'll not me... hope you completely understand and agree full heartly.  

[Kitty C.]

.....the dad HAS and IS involved in the child's care.  That's why I can't understand where you're coming from.  It just seems whako to me that this father, who appears to be involved and sounds like he's taken his daughter to previous appts., would make such demands from his daughter now.  And if it's only to get back at the mom for wanting to take the daughter to this ONE appt., then the only person hurt by this retribution is the child.

I agree and it IS only the father-daughter relationship I was alluding to.  It's always possible that, a few years down the road, the daughter may feel comfortable enough to talk to her dad about these issues, but only in an open and accepting relationship.  Never demanding.  But she's ONLY 11 now.  

I may have been a late bloomer, but my mom was at work and Dad was home when I 'started' and it scared the bejeebers out of me.  I technically knew what to do, but it scared me to death to think about trying to explain to him why I was frantically going thru her vanity.  I can look back now and laugh and, of course, my dad understood immediately without my having to explain myself, but when you're that young, it's just plain scary.  I just think the dad is being a complete idiot for asking/demanding something like that of his 11 y.o. daughter.  And if he has ulterior motives for his actions, then shame on him.

[Davy]

I hope to politely but adamantly encourage communication with both parents concerning this child's health.  It may be critical to the child in years to come.  There is no better time than the present to begin that communication

Look, I don't like the use of the word 'force' in relation to an 11 yr old female.  

......................

No matter what she's always been daddy's girl and she knows it.

Sorry if you thought I was offensive..

[Kitty C.]

No offense taken!  :-)

But I think you went off on a tangent, possibly in the direction of what would happen in the future if communication completely broke down?  I don't think that's an issue here, either.  To tell you the truth, it sounds more like a control issue than anything else.  I may be completely off base here, but that's the impression I got.  Dad's upset because all of a sudden he's not included in a particular aspect of his child's care and to get back (IMO, as I see it), he is demanding that the daughter tell him everything that he should have had access to at that appt.  Personally, I don't see why he couldn't go to the appt........if the MD feels it's not appropriate to have Dad in the room, he/she will ask him to step into the waiting room.  In fact, if it's the child's first pelvic exam, they may ask Mom to leave also.  Just as long as there is a nurse or tech also in the room during the exam, there should be no problem with that.  Then they can call back in the parents to discuss the vaccine or whatever.

But the dad needs to understand that his little girl is growing up and he will not ALWAYS be privy to every aspect of her life.  I am (was) an absolute Daddy's girl.....in spades.....and I always trusted him completely, but this was an area that was not breeched between us.  And it's just another reason why I always had so much respect for him...he knew when to step in and when to back off, but always letting me know he was there if I needed him.

The only communication concerns I had were, if Dad were to force the girl to tell him things she's not comfortable with, it 'could' psychologically affect her and she may develop a pattern of shutting down to him.  I think it's a trust issue.  I'm just saying he should be sensitive to her emotional health right now.....she's going thru a LOT of growing up in many ways and really needs to be able to trust both parents.  I just hope the dad doesn't continue down this road, or I feel he could severely damage that.  But that's JMO.........

[Davy]

Oh puke !!  I just have to disagree.  Witholding such info. is a power play and control issue on the mother's part and very poor social conditioning for the child.  
 

[olanna]

Why would your ex expect that you can force your dd to do anything? Wouldn't it be more up to him to say, "dd, are there some things about growing up or some changes you are going through that you would like to share with me?"

Why even have this conversation about force at all?  Or better yet, have Mom tell Dad and then Dad can try to open the door for private conversation.

My Mom told my Dad when I started my period.  I was about 10 years old...and when my Dad mentioned it to me, I was so embarrassed. But I got over it.  I am betting your daughter will, as well.