Getting baby used to dad - Need help!

[piXi]

I think you are dealing well with a difficult situation and that you have your daughter's interests at heart.

I do believe   you are helping your daughter's father integrate himself in her life and I believe you are dealing with the posts here with gentle dignity.

have you read anything by Penelope Leach on babies?

I love her thoughts and her ideas on raising babies - her book became my manual with my own children.

In my opnion people dont get relationships with children by right - they have to work at them and earn them through the development of layers of trust.

If her father loves her he will be guided in the development of hs realtionship with her and if that means he has to lie on  the floor in your living room allowing her to crawl over him in the company of her other family then thats the way  it should begin.

How much better to work it like that so that within a relatively short time she is running to the door to meet him when he arrives than to have to deal with her crying because she doesnt feel safe.

In my own situation my xh brought our daughter home at  1230am one saturday during  her time with him. She had woken up in tears saying she missed me and didnt feel happy or safe in his house at that moment.

She slept in her own bed and rang him as soon as she woke. he collected her and took her back to his house for breakfast.

Times like that didnt happen so very often but when they did we dealt with them on her terms.

A lot of these incidents were very difficult for me because my xh left us to go and live with his secretary and later married her.

I have worked hard not to intrude my pain into their relatioship with their father and with her and whilst it has taken a long time  - it has worked.

Finally - and Im sorry this is so long - trust your own instincts and your knowledge.

[RainGirl]

>I think you are dealing well with a difficult situation and
>that you have your daughter's interests at heart.
>
>I do believe   you are helping your daughter's father
>integrate himself in her life and I believe you are dealing
>with the posts here with gentle dignity.

Thank you much for your kind support.  I do not doubt that this is what my daughter needs at the moment to help her to progress beyond this.  It's not forever, but the groundwork laid here will last forever.  I'd prefer that her relationships were grounded on comfort and security rather than fear and distress.  She is getting better and better and stays wth him for longer periods of time, so I have no doubt that we have progressed greatly.  I think he is starting to see it too now.  After her first couple of explosions with him he has backed off and stopped asking about taking her on his own.  Gotta give that little girl credit.  I could tell him she needed time until I was blue in the face and he wouldn't have listened.  SHE told him once and he backed down.  They'll get better and eventually do well  together.  It just takes time.

>
>have you read anything by Penelope Leach on babies?
>

A couple...a book called Children First, What We Need to Do and Are Not Doing for Our Children...or something like that.  Sorry, I don't remember the exact title.  She also had another good one that focused on early infancy, the first six months.   I know she had several othes, but I didn't have the pleasure of coming across them.  I liked much of what she had to say.  She's got a wonderful style and is good at describing the world from a child's perspective.  She's direct and isn't wisheywashey on her opinions.  She did leave me feeling a bit guily for resorting to daycares, but I don't think that was her intent.  All in all, I thnk she is well written and very much in tune with children.

>In my opnion people dont get relationships with children by
>right - they have to work at them and earn them through the
>development of layers of trust.

Well said!

>If her father loves her he will be guided in the development
>of hs realtionship with her and if that means he has to lie on
> the floor in your living room allowing her to crawl over him
>in the company of her other family then thats the way  it
>should begin.
>
>How much better to work it like that so that within a
>relatively short time she is running to the door to meet him
>when he arrives than to have to deal with her crying because
>she doesnt feel safe.

There are many times when I would love to have a few hours by myself to clean or do homework.  The bitter part of me hopes that if she screamed at him enough and made his life miserable enough, maybe he'd go away....  (There was a lot of abuse in our relationship and it's stll painful to be around him.)  But when it comes right down to it, I shudder to think of what being that distressed for that length of time would do to her.  So for now, I make him dinner several nights a week.  I give up my bed to him a couple nights a week (she sleeps in my bed..another thing Leach was big on!).  He has two days a week when he is supposed to go to her school to bond, but he never shows up for that.  

>Times like that didnt happen so very often but when they did
>we dealt with them on her terms.

It is encouaging to see parents who are willing to commit to child-sensitive parenting.  It seems to be far too rare.

>
>A lot of these incidents were very difficult for me because my
>xh left us to go and live with his secretary and later married
>her.

Neutering...it not just for your dog anymore!  

>
>Finally - and Im sorry this is so long - trust your own
>instincts and your knowledge.

I think I have you beat!  I'm good at babbling!  And once again, thank you for your words of support and encouragment.  

[MYSONSDAD]

I call it excuse-abuse. Icegirl had her mind made up before she came here. The only way this baby will bond with the father is some good one on one. She does not want to listen. She is only trying to justify what she is doing.

Many here have given her some good suggestions and also told her the consquences of her actions. She wants attention and pity.

Should be interesting when this child goes to school. Bet Icegirl is sitting right along with her in the classroom.

I am done with her. My time will be spent going after the issues at hand. Won't waste my time on someone who does not 'get it.'

If the shoe was on the other foot, how would she feel?

Hope the daddy finds Sparc. I am sure he would get a good response on how to help build his relationship with his daughter.

I for one, will be watching for him...

"Children learn what they live"

[Stepmom0418]

I agree it is abuse and I too am done talking to her because she does NOT get it at all!!

I too hope the daddy finds Sparc and i will be watching for him too!!

She is only afraid that we might give him useful information so that he can have a meaningful relationship with his daughter...........thats why she wont send him here!!

[Peanutsdad]

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[Peanutsdad]

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[richiejay]

>Or that the situation is already tense enough without a bunch
>of bad advice from a bunch of well intended but out of control
>fanatics who don't have a clue


Guess that's why you keep coming back, huh?

I think you are afraid that people here may give him advice that will piss you off but ultimately good for your child.

[Hawkeye]

how about just letting Dad be Dad? Giving birth does not automatically give parental rights, eh?

Is that like some foreign concept or something?

[gipsy]

My situation was different , The mother refused to let Me see My son and I had to take her to court !! And I did and I won again and again , In little increments , But < Here Is what I learned , First Part of what You say  is true part of it corresponds with what happened to me , And part of it is just You worrying , I 'worry to leave My son with any one , But I will outline the process and you will see how it corresponds ,
   1 Got a court order  that said two hours twice a week .with  A paid supervisor , The supervisor explained to me the reason they do this , And [Not] use any one familiar with the child , Is because of exactly whats happening , Supervisor said if we used  Moms  family or friends that would be unfair , Because then the child has a familiar face to go to , And does not give Me an equal chance , Because,   My son will cling to the familiar faces , SOOOO , Yes it is hard , BUT thats how it was done << And even after the supervied visits [5]  I had to pull  My son from the mom numerous times  ,, And He was screaming and kicking , The twist in my situation is, I found later when He began to talk was that , Mom was trying to aid in His terror at the transfer , By telling him I was going to hurt Him .   ,  My son always quit crying As soon as Mom was out of the picture , , As time progressed , He would do the same when returning to Mom , Be prepared . The child may not want you soon iether , . Of course when this happens we frantically think of what to do , I would give My son candy At the transfer , Have your ex give The baby a piece of kid safe candy , This was the answer , And I would hand Him a lollipop And poof all better , Whatever you do don't make this a legal issue , You are doing great , But I would recommend the court way , Have like a counselor there or something And tell your ex lets just try it with a counselor , You will have to pay, But . it will be worth it , That way you know the baby is safe ,But again I believe a familiar face is unfair to dad , Have him read this post , You both are  doing great to agree and solve this on your own , , Also Dad should be showing up with all the stuff the baby eats , Like a graham cracker . Bottled milk , Juice diapers .etc . I had to do this , And all this was reported to the court etc , I agree , . I wanted to parent My son and had to have things for him, My other Idea Is  put a parenting plan In place that outlines the process , And times of pick up , That way this is organised and there are certain times he will have the child and you can begin to rely on him , But the deal is , YES this is hard when this happens , Maybe try leaving the room , And leave him alone with the baby to feed etc , after all this occured with me . My son began to bond with me , And this continues ,
   What you are going through is just a hard part of life ,But Even the sick Mother of My son went to a counselor and the counsellor told her to give me My son and walk away , And she did , Because she knew that I would hold her in contempt if she did not give Me my son, eight months is pretty young , And NOT In My case, or yours, do children know who there father is if they haven't seen him from birth , But You will have to let go , Try it for a half hour , then an hour etc , You say the baby lets him hold her while you are there , , It's really great that you two can work this out !!! . So ask Him to come over and you will start By walking out of the house for a half hour , I would say this gives Him and the baby some time .  And tell him that way He will know if the baby will cry the whole time when he takes her , It will be very hard for you but you will have to trust me on this one My son ALWAY'S  quit crying a few minutes after mom was out of site , BUT , I had to learn to play Baby peeka boo, and all that silly stuff with rattles and shiny things , And Because of the supervisor , And court process Looking at Me I had to parent ,That Means show that I will change a diaper , Feed , Burp All that  fun stuff , Again let your ex read this , I thought the court process was humiliating at first , Because I felt like a criminal ,Because there had to be a  Paid supervisor that reported to the court ,But this procees seems to work out Ok , Again I say, It probably is a deterent to bonding when you or familiar people are there , But Again My case was very different , There was no chance of cooperation ,    You Two ARE cooperating , And just keep it up .

[gipsy]

Think of it !!You at one point had to leave the child with the day care , and I bet she cry's . and then she gets use to day care , I Have read some of your responses to other people in this , And you say some good things . And Your doing good ,But on the other Hand considering the fact that You had to leave the child at daycare , your logic doesn't correspond . And You probably have some control issues with the Dad ,  This is not so abnormal for someone in your situation , But I really think TGB hit the nail on the head , The mother of My son Still does a bunch of crap , And I can see already that My son will want to live with Me , , And Don't you ever forget this . Some time in Life the child will reject you , Wether its when she's a teenager , Or when she want's to stay longer at Dads . Stop worrying about Big male ego , pride what ever , My son has rejected Me , And it hurts , But I know he loves me overall, I also know that even little children learn to manipulate ,Like as time went on And I would give My son candy ,  He began to ask for Ice cream on the way Home . Then If I did not get it for Him He would start Saying his mom was doing something Or saying some crap and , Ask for ice cream again , Then He even tried to tell me If I didn't get Him Ice cream He was going to go to his moms house and never come back to see Me again