Getting baby used to dad - Need help!

[RainGirl]

When she is with me...and able to pick up on my emotions and take cues from me, she is fine with him.  When I am not around, she screams and wants nothing to do with him.  What negative emotion is she picking up from me?  The times she has seriously freaked out on him was when I wasn't even there when he showed up.  She was happy playing at her school.  I had nothing to do with that.

One of the four times a week that he is scheduled to visit with her is at my house when I am not here so she can visit with him in a safe and secure environment without my interference.  So far he has not shown up to that one either.  Not even once.

I think it may have had something to do with the sound of the car.  He's got a high performance sports car with twin turbos and....  I told him she seems to prefer my car to my truck and thought it had something to do with the rumble of the truck.  Told him not to be discouraged by it and maybe if he borrowed his mom's car she might be easier or he coud keep trying his.

No matter what you may or may not think of me, I have every interest in the world in adjusting her to him.  No, I'm still not 100% certain  is a good idea, but it is what we are now doing.  HOWEVER, even if I hated him, even if I didn't want her to like him, even if I didn't want him to bond with her, even if....  The fact of the matter is my baby is scared.  My baby is having trouble adjusting and is being placed in a situation where she is distressed.  The sooner she gets used to him, the sooner she can stop being stressed and scared.  I was called to her school to pick her up because she was so upset and scared due to his visit.  What kind of a mother can look at that and NOT want to help her child?  Part of me sees that and wants to take her and run, but so long as this is what we are committed to, I need to help HER through it.  So no matter what I may or may not think of him, for her sake, I am trying to make this easy on HER.

So once again, if anyone has ideas about what can make this process easier for her, I'd love to hear them.  For those with negativity, please consider posting it elsewhere.  I'm not looking for that.

[Kitty C.]

Even as an infant, you CANNOT control how she responds to anyone or anything.  You cannot MAKE her 'adjust'.  That is something only SHE can learn on her own.  You wonder why she responds the way she does when you're not there?  Because you've always 'rescued' her when you are there.  She's fussing becaue you're not 'rescuing' her.

The one thing I've learned, from my own son and all the many children I've babysat, is that each and every one of them is different and they all have their own ways of doing things.  I could 'assist', by going with their cues, in helping them thru the adjustment process, but the bulk of it they had to work thru themselves.

What are you going to do when she goes thru separation anxiety?  Because what she's experiencing right now doesn't even come close.  DS went thru a MAJOR episode when he was 4, caused by his father taking him away from me for 6 weeks.  After I got him back, I had my heart ripped out on a daily basis leaving for work, when he would stand at the door and SCREAM 'Mommy, don't go, don't go!'  What was I to do, not go to work and hold him all day?  That would only postpone the inevitable and make the pain last that much longer for him.  Unfortunately, as heartbreaking as it was for me to watch and endure, he had to suffer thru it himself.  And he did, there was just no other way to get thru it.

Question:  has she had any contact with any other men?  Men who maybe aren't as comfortable with infants as her daddy?  How does she react with them?  The Same?  We had a family friend who adamantly refused to hold DS when he was an infant, saying he knew nothing about them.  One time, I literally thrust DS in his arms, just to see how the both of them would react.  I've still got pics, too!  Our friend looks stiff and uncomfortable, only because it was strange to him.  And DS even at a month old, could tell the difference and was fussy.  But they BOTH did just fine.  It's called 'adapting' and NO ONE can teach that or guide it.  It is something only the person experiencing it can deal with and work thru.  And one of the first lessons we learn as human beings.

JMO, but you're setting your daughter up to fail to have the ability to adjust to her environment without you for her to fall back on.  You said that you 'eased' her into her daycare.   You think her pre-school or kindergarden teachers will be so accomodating?  I highly doubt it.  Whether it's with her father or anyone else, you need to loosen the reins, for your daughter's sake, or she will be severely dependent on you......or anyone else who 'shows' her love and comfort.  Think about how this would affect her in her teenage years.  She would be a sitting duck for some smooth-talking idiot, male or female............

All your child psychology books don't come close to real life and bringing up children to be self-reliant.  JMO, but I think that is one aspect that, in the last 20 years or so, many parents have failed in, along with not learning to say 'no' often enough.  These are lessons they MUST learn at home, because if they are forced to learn it in the real world, they will be chewed up and spit out.  You are not raising a child, you are raising an adult.  Never forget that.

[joni]

and I certainly would NEVER do this to the child's father.  it's ludacrist and disrespectful....it's a passive form of entitlement and alienation.

[Stepmomnow]

I could not have said it better myself.  Kids are more resilent than we give them credit for, and you are absolutely correct that they have to learn to self sooth, or their lives will be miserable.

[Stepmom0418]

I agree totally!!

[MYSONSDAD]

Have the father of your baby come to Sparc and share what his thoughts are. I am sure all here, will be more then willing to answer any of his concerns...

"Children Learn What they Live"

[Stepmom0418]

That is an awesome suggestion!!

[RainGirl]

>Even as an infant, you CANNOT control how she responds to
>anyone or anything.  You cannot MAKE her 'adjust'.  

I realize this, hence the quotes from my earlier post stating I wanted to "help HER through it" and I asked for ideas on "what can make this process easier for her".  Never did I state that I wanted to force her to adjust.  

That is
>something only SHE can learn on her own.  You wonder why she
>responds the way she does when you're not there?  Because
>you've always 'rescued' her when you are there.  She's fussing
>becaue you're not 'rescuing' her.

Several people with children of their own, PhD's and published studies and papers to their credit have all given me a very different account for what is going on than you just described.  Forgive me for doubting, but I really don't think that what you propose is the best way to go about things.
 
>
>The one thing I've learned, from my own son and all the many
>children I've babysat, is that each and every one of them is
>different and they all have their own ways of doing things.  I
>could 'assist', by going with their cues, in helping them thru
>the adjustment process, but the bulk of it they had to work
>thru themselves.

By providing a safe and secure start for children, they learn that the world is a safe place.  This foundation provides them the security and self-confidence to venture forth when it is developmentally appropriate.  If they learn that it is an unpredictable and scary at times, they become insecure and doubtful...causing them to venture uncertainly into the world before them.  The first 18 months is the most critical time for this developing sense of trust/mistrust, security/insecurity.  Yes, it may be a pain to "rescue" her at times, but in the long run, I am confident that it will pay off.

>
>What are you going to do when she goes thru separation
>anxiety?  Because what she's experiencing right now doesn't
>even come close.

If I continue going the way that we are and she continues to grow in a secure manner, I do not anticipate there being any significant traumatic events that we will not be able to overcome.

  DS went thru a MAJOR episode when he was 4,
>caused by his father taking him away from me for 6 weeks.
>After I got him back, I had my heart ripped out on a daily
>basis leaving for work, when he would stand at the door and
>SCREAM 'Mommy, don't go, don't go!'  What was I to do, not go
>to work and hold him all day?  That would only postpone the
>inevitable and make the pain last that much longer for him.
>Unfortunately, as heartbreaking as it was for me to watch and
>endure, he had to suffer thru it himself.  And he did, there
>was just no other way to get thru it.
>
Yes, I realize that must have really sucked for both of you and I'm sorry you had to go through that, but at four years, your son also had the advantage of language.  You had the ability to tell him that you would be back at a given time or that he was safe, etc.  Infants don't even have that saving grace.  The only thing they have to go by is our actions.  Have we always made their world a safe place?  Can they trust that we will always keep them safe and take care of them?  If they have been exposed to negative situations or traumatic events, this sense of security will be greatly diminished.  Without a verbal reassurance that things WILL be okay, what DO they have?  If they have been placed in nerve wracking, scary situations, why should they trust at all?

>Question:  has she had any contact with any other men?  Men
>who maybe aren't as comfortable with infants as her daddy?
>How does she react with them?  The Same?  We had a family
>friend who adamantly refused to hold DS when he was an infant,
>saying he knew nothing about them.  One time, I literally
>thrust DS in his arms, just to see how the both of them would
>react.  I've still got pics, too!  Our friend looks stiff and
>uncomfortable, only because it was strange to him.  And DS
>even at a month old, could tell the difference and was fussy.
>But they BOTH did just fine.  It's called 'adapting' and NO
>ONE can teach that or guide it.  It is something only the
>person experiencing it can deal with and work thru.  And one
>of the first lessons we learn as human beings.
>

Yes she has and she has always been fine around them, but I'm not certain how she is away from me.  Don't think she has had much exposure there, but her father isn't uncomfortable holding her if that is what you're getting at.  He's been around his sister's kids a lot.

>JMO, but you're setting your daughter up to fail to have the
>ability to adjust to her environment without you for her to
>fall back on.  You said that you 'eased' her into her daycare.
>  You think her pre-school or kindergarden teachers will be so
>accomodating?  I highly doubt it.  

Doubt I will have to once that time comes.  You may think she sounds abnormal, but everything about her is developmentally age appropriate.  It is perfectly healthy for children her age to display these behaviors.  If she continues to progress as she is, I have no doubts that she will be well adjusted at that age.  Additionally, at that age she will have language.  If nothing else, that is a huge benefit right there.

Whether it's with her
>father or anyone else, you need to loosen the reins, for your
>daughter's sake, or she will be severely dependent on
>you......or anyone else who 'shows' her love and comfort.
>Think about how this would affect her in her teenage years.
>She would be a sitting duck for some smooth-talking idiot,
>male or female............
>

A child who cries or is not attended to in a prompt manner tends to develop the belief that they are rejected or not worthwhile.  These children develop low self esteem and will seek out attention or a feeling of acceptance.  So, when that same smooth talking idiot comes along and tells her that she is beautiful and special, well, I'm sure you can see where that one leads.

>All your child psychology books don't come close to real life
>and bringing up children to be self-reliant.  

She is not my only child.  I've got two older boys who were raised in similar manners and are two of the most secure, outgoing, self assured individuals you could ever hope to meet.  They are observant and considerate of the feelings and opinions of others, well-liked by their teachers and peers, happy, itelligent, secure children.  So no, it is not all book knowledge here.  I've seen it work both times with my older boys.  I'm not making this up as I go.

And by the way, there is a HUGE difference between independent and secure.  An overly independent adult may look like a wonderful person that the world can never tear down and one that will never fall because they can hold themself up....  Believe it or not, these are some of the most dysfunctional and miserable people.  Independent can be good, but an extreme is indicative of some real problems.  Forcing children to be independent too early on harms them during this critical time and can lead them ito a life of misery.  Believe it or not, many of these women end up in domestic violence situations.  

JMO, but I think
>that is one aspect that, in the last 20 years or so, many
>parents have failed in, along with not learning to say 'no'
>often enough.  These are lessons they MUST learn at home,
>because if they are forced to learn it in the real world, they
>will be chewed up and spit out.

She has limits and boundaries as are age appropriate.  My boys do as well and are extremely well behaved, both at home and away.

  You are not raising a child,
>you are raising an adult.  Never forget that.

Yes, and in the process of raising an adult, we must make certain that they have a strong foundation.  I can't push her out the door today and tell her to go get a job.  There's quite a few steps between here and there.  Infancy and childhood happen to be pretty big steps.  When building a house, the final step may be to shingle the roof, but that doesn't mean I should rush the rest and do a piss poor job laying a foundation and framing just so I can raise the roof!  Would you try to force a 3 day old infant to walk, as that is the ultimate goal?

So ONCE AGAIN... this is the way that I feel I need to do things.  I am not making an uneducated decision on this matter and no amount of negativity or disagreement from someone with no established credibility is going to make me do something that I feel is wrong for my daughter.  Therefore, the way that I am approaching this is not up for debate.  Given that this is the way I have chosen to approach the matter, if anyone has sugguestions on how to help ease the transition, I'd appreciate them, otherwise, feel free to post your opinions elsewhere.  I'm not interested in them.

[RainGirl]

At this point, I am becoming more and more convinced that the individuals here are well intended but many of them un or under educated when it comes to the needs of children.  There are many fanatics who without a shred of true knowledge feel compelled to spew all their advice and opinions, potentially doing more harm than good.  I had originally hoped that some of you may have had experience with this subject.  A few wonderful ideas have come forth and I haveput several of those to use and am currently working on others.  If I had the ability to screen out the fanatics blinded by their self-serving missions and uneducated, harmful opinions, I'd happily send him this way to see if he could gain something helpful.  However, since that does not seem to be a possibility, I wouldn't count on seeing him here anytime soon.  At least not by my doing.

[RainGirl]

Well, however you choose to view it, I refuse to put his wants or feelings above her needs.  This is a critical age for infants and to screw her up now in the way it has been proposed invites a lifetime of pain and dysfunction.