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[I cry_ in_the_dark]

My 13 year old daughter has a yearly physical on Monday. Originally, dad said I could take her to this appt. Step-witch stepped in and, yes, u guessed it, said that SHE would take her. Okay..that's fine. She can take her, but I will be there.

There are some sensitive issues that need discussed with the DR. I called the Dr. and she has yet to return my call, and at this point, I'm sure won't. I can only surmise as to why my call was not returned.

I really hate to put the Dr. in the middle of this...but here's my question:

My girl WANTS me in the exam room. She does NOT want step mom there. Come Monday, I will have my court order in hand. It will show my legal custody. I can guess that step mom will insist on being present as well. Do I "make a scene" and demand a POA and present the FERPA laws?

How far do I carry this?

[ocean]

Is the office open tomorrow or Monday before the appt? I would go there myself with the order and tell them that SM will be bringing your child and that when the time comes to call you in to please ask SM to wait in the room as legally she does not have the right to be in there. (although I am a SM and would take offense to this, as even if you do not like the situation, she is one of her caregivers as well). I think at 13, she can make a decision and sometimes the dr will want to speak to them by themselves.....Do you talk to the SM? Can you ask her to please wait outside? You can overnight your request, e-mail?? This is dad getting the contol again......He is trying to get you all riled up....What has happened in the past with other appointments?

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

No, the office is not open before then...on Monday yes...

I already know that this Dr. will speak to my daughter alone. She's done it before. Dad has only had custody less than a year. He hasn't done any Dr. appts. I advised him in APRIL she was due for a physical. The only reason he's doing it now is because of the school demands one every so many years.

There's more to this than what I really care to post here...I'd tell you privately tho.

[Kitty C.]

Just to make sure you have it straight, it's HIPAA, not FERPA....the latter has to do with school records.

And even tho I am an SM, I would show the medical staff the order, remind them that the SM has no legal rights to the child, the child has requested only you in the exam room with her, and the rights and wishes of the child should be considered above anything else.

To tell you the truth, HIPAA has nothing to do with it.  If I wanted DH in the exam room with me, they can't tell me no.  And if DS said that he DIDN'T want me in the room with him, I would have to honor that.

I don't think you'll have to make a scene........but watch out for the SM to.  DO NOT take responsibility for her actions, tho.  If she chooses to make an a$$ of herself, that is her choice...it has nothing to do with you.

Question, tho.  Do you think DS would get in trouble with BF and SM if she insists on only you with her in the room?  It sounds like she's willing to stick her neck out for what she wants, but.........you have to think of repercussions on her, too.  If she's willing to stand her ground, no one, not even the doc, can go against it.

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Yes you're right...I've had to deal with both the school and the DR. now so I typed too quickly  ;-)

What's been going on lately in X's house...yes...my girl would stick her neck out. I think I've come to realize that is why she's acted out on me lately. She's finally had enough there and is willing to do what she has to. (All those nasty things I never told her to do, tho wanted to.)

That's a whole other post!

[FLMom]

Being the NCP you're in a position where you have a choice to make---whether to let things slide or stand your ground on all of these little issues. With a controlling CP I think you are going to have to stand hard on the little issues also. This is the only way that he is going to realize that you are going to be an involved parent in your children's lives.

I would not have agreed to allow the SM to drive your daughter to the appointment in the first place. Ex agreed and then backed down. There's still time over the weekend. I would call him and tell him that you will be at his house at XX o'clock to pick up your daughter as previously agreed upon, than get there about 10 minutes early. This isn't about him, it's about what's best for your daughter, and it will be important to your daughter to see that you did try to abide by her wishes.

Assuming this doesn't work and SM takes daughter to the appointment I would not mince words in the slightest. As your daughter is signed in I would hand the receptionist a copy of the order and state that you have joint custody and that your daughter has requested that you be the only one in the room. No name calling, no dirty looks---you are only going by the letter of the order. This is what your ex is doing, right? He's using the order as a club to beat you over the head with when the situation suits him. This is not to appease him, it's to ensure that your daughter is comfortable in being seen by a physician.

NOW, to head this off at the pass in the future, I would suggest that you and your attorney file to add a stipulation to your custody order that states that either you or your ex are to handle medical matters--not a spouse of either parent. This ensures several things. One, you won't have to do this again next time. Two, it reduces stress on the child when going to the doctor or dentist because they know if another one of the party is going to be there there's going to be a free for all. Three, there's less chance of getting the third party version of medical results because this way there are only two people that are involved instead of three or four. Four, this is your right by your custody agreement to be jointly involved in all medical matters. JOINT means between two parents, not a plethora of whomever the father decides should take her.
And fifth, at age 13 your daughter is perfectly capable of testifying in court that at her age it's important for her to have her mother with her.

In your phone call to your ex you could also use this. I think if matters are as you state and your daughter has made it clear to him that she would prefer to be with you, the LAST thing the ex would want is your daughter talking to a judge. He wouldn't want to open up that can of worms, would he?

[Sunshine1]

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[I cry_ in_the_dark]

The doctors office  called me Monday morning. It wasn't the doctor who called, so I left a message as to my concerns. They promised she would get them.

Well, they show up....X is the one who brought her. My girl came and directly sat with me. X went across the room. When they called her in, she stood up and turn around and said, "Aren't you coming mom?" She handed her jacket to her dad and asked him to hold it. He promptly threw it back at her and said, "No way!".

Physical goes fine, and the Dr. gets to one of the sensitive issues. This being, has my girl started her period yet. Yes in fact she had, in September. The only issue being, her dad and step-mom had no idea. My girl had called me on a Monday and informed me of it, only she was sooo upset. There was nothing in the house for her to use! NOTHING! I told her to tell them so that they could go and get her some items. She refused. I asked her if she wanted me to tell them. She refused. There was no way I was going to betray her trust. So until she saw me at her next visitation, she used rolled up paper towels! She soaked her undies and brought them to me to wash, and I supplied her with what she needed.
Insistant that they not know of her situation, because" She is NOT my mother and it's none of her business, and Dad isn't much of a Dad", she was going to lie to the Dr. about it. Personally, I felt her dad should know, and also did not want the Dr. lied to. So after the physical, I spoke privately with the Dr, who understood I couldn't betray the trust, and then she spoke to my girl, who bawled, but agreed to let the Dr. tell them.

The second issue is that of my girls weight. She's always been on the chunky side, as I also was as a young girl, but outgrew it. However, my girl went from a size 12 when she left my custody and is now a size 20...(less than a year later)weighs 211 pounds and has stretch marks like she had 20 babies! While of course I love her to death regardless, I'm concerned, as was the Dr. I'm especially concerned because both of step-mom's 20 year olds are in the 250-300 lb. range, as well as being heavy herself.

The Dr. wanted to talk to dad, who had left the waiting room and gone outside. doh! My girl went and got him..and his response to the weight issue was..."Overweight? WHAT are you talking about???" Is she (meaning me) telling you more of her lies??? At that point my girl and I walked out of the office.

I get the kids this evening. I'll find out the rest of the story then.

[Sunshine1]

How is your daughter?  I am sure after they got home it was such a great re-cap of the dr. visit that your daughter wanted to crawl in a hole. How is she doing?

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Apparently, not a whole lot was said to her. The step-mom told her she would take her to the store to get her some "supplies" and my girl told her it wasn't neccessary. "Well you don't have anything, of course it's neccessary!" to which my girl replied, "Sure I do, my mom took care of it. She always takes care of it." I guess step-mom looked like she was going to explode at that remark...and my girl went to her room.  ;-)

I guess what bothers me is that there was no discussion with her regarding any matters that go along with it. But that's ok, it isn't neccessary...MOM took care of it  ;-)