Another bad call.

[butterflymackey]

You are right. There have been times when I have played some of the tapes back to listen to what she says and I go "Ughhh why did I say that" or "why did I cut her off" I just get so frustrated in the moment. I try not to cry or yell at her so I push on. I know that's sounds selfish but sometimes I dont know any other way to handle it. I dont want to say anything to place blame on her BF but I end up apologizing or lecturing her instead. I also try not to go into adult detail, so I find myself concentrating extra hard on what I say to her instead of what she is saying to me.

Your suggestions are great. (Even though they confirm some of my negative feelings about how I handle things.) But that's why I am being honest with you all about the conversations and not suger coating them to make me sound like the perfect parent. Sometimes when I ask her about her feelings I think she withdraws because she doesnt want to tell me too much. Also, where do I draw the line of letting her know that it's not ok to be hurtful to people? I have asked her before why she doesnt want to speak to my family and she just says "I dont know" or "because". But when I lecture her, you are right, she doesnt respond well. Actually I might as well just hang up the phone because she really doesnt say much after that.

Neither of us look forward to our conversations because she will bring something up and I will defend, lecture or indirectly call her a liar like in the example you used. She has told me that I call her a liar, but I couldnt remember ever doing it.  I suppose this is exactly what she is talking about.

Thank you for your suggestions. I am going to buy a book about talking to kids this weekend. I have also called a few places to see what kinds of parenting classes are available. Havent had much luck with that yet, most are for toddlers or teens. I will try a little harder this time to listen and not defend or lecture. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

[skye]

If I may make a suggestion....while you are at the bookstore pick up a  book for DD ..I promise it will be a great investment..

"how to go to visitation without throwing up" Its a book about a child going through visiattion back and forth and things that come about..it is written by a child from the childs point of view.. It talks about phone calls and all kinds of things.

[Stepmomnow]

I'm so glad you were able to hear what I was saying.  You have to remember that your daughter is desparate to have a relationship with you.  She LOVES you.

When you are talking to her and start to feel youself getting upset, pull yourself back and start repeating to her what you hear her saying.  Even if you have to repear her exact words, it will help her feel that you understood her.  (sounds like you are angry, or I can see why you must have been upset...)

I once took a medation class where this technique was tought.  We did a role play between myself and another woman on a made-up topic.  Part way through, the other woman burst into tears because she felt that I really understood what she was saying.  (All I was doing is trying to identify what she was feeling and validating that feeling)  That is how powerful this technique can be.

Good Luck - The fact that you continue to try and are open to new ideas speaks volumes about how lucky your daughter is and that eventually you will get the relationship with her you want.  

[hayleysmom]

Hi, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here, but I almost feel like we are in the same exact situation, my ex is married to a very over bearing woman, he is never home and allows sm to make all the decisions and do all the disciplining, she is brutal, I have turned her into child protective services 2x's for beating my child with a brush and a belt. My dd has a complete personality change when she is with me and gets all jittery and nervous when its time to go back home to them.  my dd is soon to be 15 in May and now wants to come and live with me, sm critisizes and berates my daughter she has 2 daughters by two previous mariages 11 and 14 and of course they do no wrong, my dd say her sm wakes her in the middle of the night and hollars at her for not hanging up her sweater or she will be watching tv and she makes my daughter sit in the kitchen and she hollars at her about her clothes she says what I  buy her is ugly and she says her hair is ugly she took some clothes I had just bought her and said her , (sm) and bf did not approve and she burnt them, sm and bf have 6 kids between them my daughter is 14 she has long curly hair sm won't let dd even do her own hair and she puts it in tught ponytails and braids and leaves it in all week long when i question bf he says she has all those kids to care for and doesn't have time, and I said she took on that responsibility when she married you. My dd is starting to hate it there she is tired of all the mental and verbal abuse, my ex didn't even tell me his wife took dd to her doctor and tried to tell him she was adhd but the doctor disagreed so sm said she was depressed (2 different ends here) and insisted she be on something My dd said sm argued with doctor until he gave her something (paxil) my dd spits the pills out she says sm just wants to control her, I agree. But my daughter is starting to take on a very sad look shes getting dark circles under her eyes she says she think step mom wants her to make a mistake so she can hit her, because I told bf if she put her hands on my dd again she would have her babysitting license revoked so she hasn't hit her in along time but dd says sm wants to send her away to jdc, I told bf that if she doesn't want her around why is he giving me a hard time about changing custody? He's scared of sm too,  A coward and our daughter resents him for not protecting her. She feels like shes all alone, I cry myself to sleep thinking about all she goes through and she is a good girl, sm is jealous of her and I think she represents me to sm so she treats her bad. I don't know but I won't stop till my babys here with me!!!!

[butterflymackey]

I dont mind at all, I am just sorry to hear that your dd is going through this. It sounds like Cinderella. OMG. What is wrong with these fathers that are letting these horrible women do this and what kind of women do this to kids? Have you considered going back to court and letting your daughter tell the judge she wants to live with you? See my dd doesnt want anything to do with me, but your dd sounds like she really wants to be with you. If your dd is 15, I bet they will take her wishes into consideration the most. I dont know your situation, where you are from or what caused you to be a NCM, but if CPS isnt doing anything going straight to the judge is the next step. Good luck to you. Keep in touch. You should start your own post and see what kind of advice you can get. There are lawyers that look at these. Let's pray for each other. OOO <-Hugs

PS Tell your dd that the next time her SM takes a belt to her she needs to call the police. At her age, getting physical isnt necessary. There are serious problems if they have been getting physical. Pushing and restraining is one thing, but hitting with a belt is another.

[Raisin_3]

Our order has it in there that bm can talk to ss with a webcam 3 x's a week but bm wont go buy a web cam and do it.

Im thinking maybe the phone calls are monitored and she gets coached on what she said or should have said?  My ss is very distant when he is with bm b/c he doesn't want her to know he loves us- but he is never like that.  Either someone is standing right there and listening or they record them and listen and talk to her about it after.  At 9 she should not have that much knowledge of what is going on.

Maybe writing her letters and sending cards and little things to show her you are thinking of her.  That way she can get the stuff and not worry about having to put on a show in front of them.

[Raisin_3]

My ss is 11 and his mom is NCP and we have about 650 miles between us.  SS gets mad that bm only calls once a week (if that- sometimes once every other week) and when she calls she has nothing to say to him and the calls are very short.

Maybe try calling more often.  Does your CO state you can only call once a week?  Make a list of things to talk about- fun things and let her know how much you think about her.  Every time my ss goes to counseling he talks about how his mom doesn't call or talk so it is a big issue with him.

All she is hearing is negative stuff about you.  Every little thing you do to show her it isn't true will help.