advice, suggestions, etc???

[olanna]

I agree there should be some custody review. And I totally agree about the importance of an education for all children.

I was under the impression that she was trying to make her ex do something. Believe me...BTDT. You can't. But hey, if she already has a suit going for change of custody, (my bad...must have missed that), then by all means, bring in the evidence of how the kids aren't getting to school on time, enough and how the grades are lower since the kids have been with him.  These kids are old enough to voice and opinion to the judge, as well.  If they want to live with Mom, I am sure it will be taken into consideration. If they don't...well, you get the picture.

All I am saying here is that you can want someone to do the right thing...doesn't mean they will. Better that you spend your energy finding a solution than trying to change someone else's behavior.

;)

[olanna]

Remeber something..I am here as an NCP Mom. I have a son that lives 3000 miles away from me, has failed a grade...and is probably going to end up quitting school, because he is failing again.

I fought a long and hard battle...I ran out of money.  Courts really don't care about the children..they care about money.  They make money off of many things involved with court actions and lawsuits. Lawyers turn into judges....

I wish her all the best.

[Stepmom0418]

Just because you lost your battle doesnt mean that you have to discourage other posters. I am sorry that your case turned out that way but YOU are the only one who can change that. TM asked advise and it seems to me that you attacked her for wanting to help her children. Some courts/judges do make the right choices and correct decisions in regards to children and I will still say that I believe that TM has something valid that NEEDS to be heard by the judge during the upcomming trial.............Its not like she is taking this one issue to court......there is already a pending case.

[Stepmom0418]

>All I am saying here is that you can want someone to do the
>right thing...doesn't mean they will. Better that you spend
>your energy finding a solution than trying to change someone
>else's behavior.
>

I agree......You cant change someone else. BUT from what I gather dad needs to either shape up or give mom her custody rights back so these children get an education.

[olanna]

Discourage the posters? Hardly....reality check here.

And although I may have lost that battle...my son is coming back here to live with me. The courts didn't help with  this at all...it was an ability to pay my ex the money he wanted and get my son back. Had the courts really cared about my son, they would have NEVER sent him to live with his Dad is SC...

You don't know enough about me to assume I am projecting. I am sharing a reality here that MANY posters have already experienced. And again I will state, don't expect the courts to care enough to make a difference. The real difference in a child's life are the people parenting the child.

[Stepmom0418]

Olanna,

I am not here to argue with you. I believe that your post to TM was discouraging her from what she felt was important. This is my opinion. Maybe others seen your post diffrent than I did. I guess the one that could really say if she felt discouraged after reading your post would be TM.

Have you seen any of the posts here that were a sucess story?? I have and that is what keeps me going and I am sure that there are many others that feel the same way.

Just because your case didnt turn out the way you wanted doesnt mean the rest of us should throw in the towel and give up. I for one will fight for parents rights for the rest of my life!

Some cases work for the best and some do not. Yes the system is blind and really doesnt care but if WE AS PARENTS give up and dont fight for our rights ..............and in TM's case .............if she doesnt show the judge that CP dad isnt doing his "job" as Cp then she looses and without a fight.............Is that the way we should all work our cases?

I dont think so.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I think you've gotten great advice on how to best document and lay out your case.  Education is one of the most important things during childhood, so I wouldn't let the naysayers convince you to avoid trying.

Someone made a suggestion to see if the records show homework assignment completions.

If there are such records, you wouldn't even NEED a teacher's testimony.  You can simply show the records as evidence, and demonstrate that homework completion was nearly 100% on mornings after they spent time with you, and far lower on other mornings.

I was once in court awaiting a hearing for my own custody case, and one of the preceding hearings was a mother who had lost custody to the father 10 months prior.  She had lost custody because father moved 50 miles away, and so the court had to decide which one of them should have the child during the week.  The court picked dad (I'm not sure why).

At issue in this hearing was that the kid (I forget exact age) was getting Ds and Fs.  In mother's care, the kid was getting Cs and Bs.

The judge was VERY concerned about the poor academic performance.  Grilled dad on why it was happening, what was he doing about it, etc.

The dad talked about how he tries to help with homework, how he's started looking into tutors, etc.  Tried to say that it was just a child getting settled into his new routine, etc.

The mother kept arguing that in her care, the boy had done much better in school.

The judge finally said, "Obviously, this arrangement isn't working.  I'm not sure why, but it's not working.  This wasn't a problem before he was living with dad during the week.  We need to change it."

Judge right then and there reversed custody back to mom.  Boom, done in less than 5 minutes.

True story.

Let that be your hope.  :)

[Stepmom0418]

The story you just told brought tears to my eyes.

DH and I are waiting for a decision from the judge on his custody case and our BIGGEST issue is that my SS doesnt go to school. Last year alone we know he missed 30 some days of school while in BM's care. This year at last count we know he was up to 13 days so far. There are many other issues as well but this one is the one that "broke the camels" back and is why DH took BM to court for physical placemement. We provided school records of the children that reside with us to prove that the children that live here do go to school. Anyways sorry for rambling! LOL!

We know now that the judge has made his decision but are currently waiting for DH's attorney to call and give us the news. We dont know what the decision was yet!

PS to those that have been following DH's case............I will post as soon as I know

[Troubledmom]

Thank-You every one who has responded. Even the naysayers have helped because I have a better idea how ex will try to say *I* need to spend more time doing homework with them and not focus on what he is or is not doing...

Evidence gathering today :-) and to the poster who suggest computer print out of assignments turned in... good call 3 out of 5 of 13 yo's teachers have them for me to pick up after school today.

And one teacher is providing a copy of the letter she sent home 4 weeks ago warning of the child's pending failure and encouraging Dad to assist with missing assignments so he wouldn't fail.

Seems Dad told this teacher and most likely the others that the children spend after schools with me and I do not assure their homework gets done. I offered the teacher I spoke to this morning our parenting plan and my time tracker. Amazing sudden 360 in attitude towards me.


TM

[olanna]

"Have you seen any of the posts here that were a sucess story?? "

If there were that many success stories, there wouldn't be over 1000 hits on this site a day, from desperate people looking for help.

There are some people that actually get the right things done by their kids...but most here, well, they don't. And that is what brings most of us here.  We are looking for ways to right the wrongs that have been done to us and our children. Occasionally, it happens. But mostly, we find that we are not alone in our quest and with that, we find comfort in knowing that others here really understand our plight and feelings...they know what we are going through.

I am only trying to point out that taking it to court is one way of attempting to right a wrong and get things done. But don't put all of your faith in the family court system. It's dangerous...and often times, a huge let down. For the one time it may actually have work, there are 99 times it didn't.

I wouldn't even begin to believe that a change in custody is going to happen because these kids are doing poorly in school if this is the first time it's been brought to court.  Dad is going to have an opportunity to tell his side and be heard by the judge.

And let's be realistic here. Most schools are VERY reluctant to get involved in custody disputes. While they may say things about the students performance, they are not too willing to say things about one parent or the other, unless, of course, abuse has been documented against the parent. But that isn't the case, from what TM has explained to us.

Again, I wish her all the best in this. I do know how frustrating it is to deal with a parent that is a no-load when it comes to parenting a child. I think she has quite a rough road ahead. I want to be encouraging but I'm telling ya, I just don't trust the family court system to be just or to care enough about kids to make me believe that the stress of going to court always means a good outcome.

I would take a different approach. I would ask the court for more time with me, so I could help get the kids up to speed in school. I would set the focal point as the children and their needs and how I could best help fill them from past performance. Maybe that is her strategy...