advice, suggestions, etc???

[Troubledmom]

I have had a shared parenting agreement with my ex since 1996. Last year he obtained primary placement status (in Oct. 2003). Until the change I had the children every day from 7:30 am until 7:30 pm in addition to eow. Since the change I have just 3 days a week with the children.

The children are 13 and 9 years old. From Kindergarten to the end of the 2003 school our 13 yo was an honor roll student. Never bringing less than a B home on any report card. The 9 yo has struggled a bit more but still managed C's or better in all subjects.

At the end of last year both kids grades had dropped dramatically. The 13 yo (then 12) was carrying a 2.75 GPA. The 9 yo passed on to the next grade with mostly D's and 2 C's.

I just went to parent teacher confrences this week for both kids. The 13 yo has a 1.75 GPA this time around. The 9 yo did NOT pass a single subject, not even PE. 9 yo's teacher was able to verify the ONLY time the child has homework completed and turned on time is the day after her visitation with me.

All teachers involved are saying the children are not applying themselves, not giving the effort they should, and not completing homework.

A custody hearing is coming up in April. I know that this is important information that needs to be relayed to the Judge. I also know, because of information my Ex shared with someone else, he intends to state that the after school time I have with the children is interfering with the children's ability to complete their homework (It's my fault?).

FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!

I do not want to spend the entire 4 hours 2 days a week after school I have with the kids doing homework. I do spend at least 1 hour with them. I have a note from 9 yo's teacher stating homework has routinly been turned in on days after visitation but 13 yo's teachers refused to put anything in writing about when the child turns in homework.

MORE FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!

So any ideas? Any suggestions? Any advise? Frustration today is interfering with my ability to think clearly. HELP PLEASE!

TM

[Kitty C.]

I'd say that the 9 y.o. teacher's statement about the homework being completed ONLY after the child is with you would shoot down any argument he could have about your visitation hindering them.  Is it possible to get that teacher to testify, or at minimum make a statement to the court to that effect (understand that the teacher must be available for cross)?  JMO, but that could be an avenue to approach right now.

And I'd be asking the 13 y.o.'s teacher 'why' she/he won't put that in writing.  If you still get a refusal, go up the ladder until you're satisfied.  Which includes the school board, if need be.  That is information that is imperative.

[skye]

tell teachers to give you the assignment printouts for each student..they are on computer and state the date beside each all schools have this implemented noone has to state anything the facts speak for themselves..or better yet just drop by and ask principal to have them ready for you ..

[olanna]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are dealing with an age-old problem that doesn't correct itself. My youngest son lives with me, and I can tell you that gettting him to do homework, apply himself, etc...is a royal PITA.  He doesn't like to homework and the only thing that motivates him is knowing a) I am calling his Dad or b) he is going to have to go to summer school and miss the family vacation with me at the beach house this summer.

If my ex complained to a judge about the same thing you are talking about with gap, etc...it would appear that *I* am the parent that doesn't make an effort...not true. It's my son not making an effort and frankly, there has to be a place where children assume some responsibility for what they need to do..ie, homework. And in all reality, if the work isn't getting done at Dad's house, then your house is the next best place to make sure it gets done.

;)

[Troubledmom]

These are children who previously had GREAT grades, who got their homework done on time, who did NOT have 27 tardies and 22 absences in all the years combined let alone one school year.

But perhaps you are right and it is petty to think that the children should continue to perform at the levels they performed previously. And I suppose I should take the time I have the kids doing homework rather than expect Dad to be responsible the 80% time he has the kids and get it done.



TM

[Stepmom0418]

SS's teacher didnt want to testify in court but we served a supenea on her and she didnt have a choice. Teachers dont like to get involved in custody situations but we HAD to have her there and she totally understood why. After the supenea was served on her DH had little contact with the teacher. (maybe once a week.........teacher wouldnt answer emails and ect.) But since trial is over she has started communicating much better now. We are still waiting on a decision from the judge but things seem to be good with the teacher. I suggest a supenea even though at first it may cause a few waves, it gets better once its over and it sounds like you need the teachers testimony. Have the teacher also bring attendance and grade records for all relevent years.

[olanna]

Do you want advice or validation? Ok...for the validation part of it..yep, maybe you are onto something. Can you change your ex? Ummm....let me think about that...NOPE. You sure can't.  Are the kids walking to school or depending on Dad for a ride? If they are walking to school..they need to get up earlier. If Dad is taking them, they need to find another way to school to get them there on time. He isn't dependable.

And yep...you may very well be spending your every last minute with them helping them do their homework. You can't make your ex do anything.  Even in *in-tact* families, often times, you will find one parent VERY involved and the other a total no-load. Why in the world would you expect that suddenly all that would be different because *you* have an expectation?

Is it frustrating? Hell yes it is. Is it worth getting your shorts in a wad because the other parent is a no-load? I am guessing not. I am solution driven. I tend NOT to waste time when I see it isn't productive.

Best to you.

And by the way, don't put words in my mouth. I never said anything was petty...

Olanna

[olanna]

Perhaps Mom getting involved with the school system is a great idea. Supena's and court actions over this before Mom does the above is a bad idea.

[Stepmom0418]

>Perhaps Mom getting involved with the school system is a
>great idea. Supena's and court actions over this before Mom
>does the above is a bad idea.


It is MY understanding from the first post in this thread that mom is involved in the childrens schooling. In fact she was just at parent teacher confrences last week I believe.

As I said before a supenea would be an option to get the teachers testimony in the upcoming trial.

[Stepmom0418]

Olanna,

From what I can understand in the post is that dad is the CP. TM used to have a split custody and it worked well. The children are NOT dong their homework while at dads house (the CP)

Now I am both CP and NCSM ............It is hard to help children when you only get very little time with them. Yes you can help some but NOT to the extent that you can if you are CP. BOTH parents has the responsibility of making sure children do their homework while in their care! If the child is in dads care then dad needs to make sure that the kids are doing their home work and vice versa if they are at moms house.

School is a big issue as far as my opinion goes! If dad cant get the kids to school and cant get them to do homework there is a problem and a possiable change in custody situation should be looked at. Now maybe some people feel that kids can do ok without an education but I am NOT one of those people. I personally agree with TM and her plight to get the teachers testimony heard by the judge in the upcomming trial. I feel it would be an important factor in a custody decision.