Just needing some moral support...m

[Giggles]

My OD lives with her father in CA, I live in MD.  When X and OD (15)moved to CA he told her that if she didn't like it, that she could come back here to MD.  She's said many times that she didn't like it there but he won't let her come back.  Right now she is with me for the summer and has stated all summer that she didn't want to go back :-(  She asked me to talk to her father about her staying and I told her that she needed to be the one to talk to her father and then have him talk to me.  Did I do the right thing?  

[brwneyedmom]

And cyber hugs too((()))!
I think that you did right.  My DS went to his dad's to live when he was 14 1/2.  He wanted to go and my attorney told me that I would lose in court if we ended up there.  We mediated a one year temporary custody paper filed with the court with clear rules about returning to my home if DS wanted to leave after a year, and clear rules about staying with dad if he wanted.  
DS tried to talk to his dad about returning but his dad refused to listen.  I tried to talk to ex about DS and he refused to talk.  So since ex failed to do the parental things that were promised, I went and got DS and moved him back at semester break.
I think letting them have a conversation first is great.  Then I think that you may need to step in if your ex is as resistant as mine....And I'm pretty sure he is from your other postings.  I remember the move to CA and all the hassles that you had...and I think it's your turn to parent for a while....
Best wishes

oops: edited to add that our state is Oregon....

[jenjen]

I think you should find out why the teen is wanting to leave...at that age they can become defiant and not want to follow rules...ask dad why he thinks she wants to move, check how she's doing in school? and find out if he's been having any behavioral problems with her. Then maybe try letting her live with you on a temp. bases. by the way do you pay child support?  

what is "OD"

[Giggles]

He's a tyrant at times (one of the reasons we divorced), very controlling and emotionally cruel.  OD (older daughter) often calls me in tears over something her father has done, of course I take these calls with a grain of salt because we all know how a 15 y/o can be overly dramatic.  But there has been times where he's been extremely insensitive to her feelings and tells her "to suck it up and move on".  As for school, she is doing well in school and no real behavior problems either.  I talked with her over the summer and she would like to come stay with me because I take the time to listen to her, I treat her fairly, and I allow her to be a "kid" still.   She acknowledge that my rules are a bit stricter than her Pops, that she wouldn't have a lot of the freedom she has there (many times she is alone in the house overnight where as at my house...someone would always be home) and that she would have to help with chores.  At her father's she does all of the household chores and many of the meals...if she were to live with me, she would have to keep her room clean, some small chores (change the cat box, vacumme, and maybe watch her younger sister and brother...of which she would get paid) and help sort laundry.

I do pay support.

[MixedBag]

hugs to you and your daughter.

I know what you two are going through.

[olanna]

You need to talk to your ex about her staying with you.  And may I warn you, a 15 year old changes like the weather and believe me, might be more than you bargained for....Where is she in CA? You know I am here.

My kid came out here, as you know...

and what I got dealt was more than I ever bargained for.  Talk to him, but realize she is in vacation mode right now. When rubber meets the road, the fun is over and she has to do homework, help with chores and her siblings, the song she sings could be very different.  

And I say all this with love....

(((((((Giggles)))))

[Giggles]

That is why I value your opinion very highly!!

I'm going to continue to insist that if she is serious about wanting to come live with me, that she needs to speak to her Father and then have him call me.  I know she can be wishy washy and that's why I have jumped the gun so to speak.

Thanks ((((Ola))))

[jenjen]

Truth be told, if she really wanted to live with you, and being 15, all she has to do is leave and come to you if things are bad with dad. actually at that age there isnt much the courts can do but, abide by her wishes and try to make sure that this change is not going to harm her in anyway. If she came to visit you and didnt return, you couldnt physically make her return if she is determined not to go back, then the ball would be in dad's court and he would have to file court papers to try and get her back, which you would be served, and when you appear dont bring her with you and just tell the judge she doesnt want to live with dad, however if the daughter is ordered to appear then she will have the opportunity to tell the judge, lawyers and dad (he'll have to listen then) that she loves him but, would rather live with mom.
a judge will not force a 15 year old to live with a parent were the 15 does not want to live especially if the other parent is capable and willing to provide for the child, because by forcing a child at this age makes them a run away risk and no judge wants to be the cause of that.

[Giggles]

I'm not asking for me, but my SO....

One of the reasons I haven't pushed is because I really think my 15 y/o hems and haws.  She does want to live with me but also enjoys being the "only" child at her Father's, I have 2 others at home that are much younger than her.

Now on to info for my SO...he also has a 15 y/o that wishes to live with him..BADLY.  He just went back to the BM extremely depressed and I've been trying to find information on how my SO can get custody.  Another problem my SO faces is that BM is on the west coast and SO is here on the east coast so getting SO's son here is difficult.  We do plan on having SO's son for Christmas so I'm trying to find information on how SO can have him stay vs returning to BM...

[Sherry1]

We had to file for custody of a 15yo that did NOT want to be at his mothers, legally, she could have had DH arrested for parental kidnapping and contempt charges could have been charged. A 15yo may tell a judge where he wants to live at, but without a court order or the permission of the other party, you could find your sorry a$$ in jail for just keeping a kid.