My Story - A whole bunch of Child Support & Custody Questions

[long_day]

I am 24 years old, and 26 weeks pregnant with my first child.  The father and I were together for 6.5 years, with plans to marry, but has since abandoned me.  The only time he has contacted me since finding out I was pregnant was to complain that I had filed for child support and try to bribe me into keeping it from his parents.  I tried to contact him a couple times, but he's been so abusive to me that I refuse to expose myself to that kind of treatment while I am pregnant.

My ex has had absolutely no contact with me or his baby.  I have decided to file for child support, and I assume that sole custody will automatically be awarded to me.  I have no interest in preventing my ex having a relationship with his child, but I do believe because of his lack of interest at this point he shouldn't have a right to legal or physical custody.  I would never block him from being granted visitation if he were to show interest, and if he could demonstrate a continued and meaningful relationship with his child after birth I would definately take his view into consideration.

In terms of child support I believe that my ex should be responsible for his actions.  Our primary form of birth control was the condom, so he is as responsible as I am for my unplanned pregnancy.  I am not overly concerned with a dollar figure, as I feel the courts will determine what is fair.  Right now my ex is unemployed (vountarily, he is a full-time student and quit his job nearly a year ago despite having been employed through all of his previous university studies).  I think it is in his best interests to finish his education (and my child's as well), so I do not want a high child support statement, but as this is his last year of studies (hopefully this time), his income should change dramatically over the next couple years.

My expectations for child support are this: that he pay whatever percentage the courts decide, that he make his financial information (tax returns) availible each year, and that he pay for his portion of daycare (enabling me to work, and benifiting him in lower child supprot payments since I will probably always have a higher income).

The reasoning for the tax returns is I doubt his honestly.  He has demonstrated an almost patholocial ability to lie about so many things, I have a couple examples of his preforming insurance fraud and student loan fraud.  Will this justify my arguement for release of his financial information annually (I would of course reciprocate).  

This is of course assuming I will even be able to get to court.  My ex has threatened to leave the country.  Can he be held in contempt and judgements made in his absense, if I can prove that he deliberately left to avoid his responsiblities?  I would assume that he would sue for paternity to further lengthen the proceedings (there's no doubt, I've never been with another man my enitre life).  What other sorts of arguements can I expect?

And should I retain a lawyer if I can afford it, or just work with whoever the local legal aid person is?

[kiddosmom]

OK first off, there is no way you can keep the father from the child, and I am glad from what you have written it doesn't sound like you are going to.
Get a lawyer, legal aid is not really all that good.
Be fair, ask for joint everything with you as primary.
With child support you can request a low amount, or for child care ONLY.
Most courts require copies of incomes ie: tax returns when you go to court. instead of asking for tax returns every year, just ask that he provide you with information concerning his job. (when he gets one.)

I do hope you will be a reasonable mother. Most of the people on this site have to deal with bio-mothers from hell! and all they have ever asked for is fairness for them with their children.

Welcome to SPARC :)

[Indigo Mom]

I had a child after a one night stand with a guy.  We "knew" each other, but didn't "know" each other.  We both worked at the same restaurant.

He wanted nothing to do with a pregnancy once I told him, and to me, that was fine.  We parted ways, I went solo with the pregnancy, birth, and raising of my child.

It's "my" opinion...and my opinion only, that if a person just does NOT want to be a parent, or isn't "ready" to be one...then let it go.  Did my childs father have an obligation to support the child?  IMO...no.  Did he have an obligation to assist with daycare?  No.  He and I BOTH failed to protect me...I had an equal part in that, I didn't want an abortion or adoption, he didn't want any part of anything.  So, if you ask me, it was all on me.  Not legally, but morally.  (as if I can speak morals)

I hate to say it....but if he's willing to leave the country?  Let him go.  Release him from this lifelong obligation.  Don't file for child support, don't file for custody.  You may be surprised one day by him having a change of heart...and wanting to be a part of this childs life.  Once the courts are involved, he's going to be extremely angry and run from this child faster than he is now.  If he, ON HIS OWN, decides he messed up?  You're more than likely going to get one hell of a great father wanting to "fix" what he messed up.  

Give him time...and enjoy the fact that you GET to have your child to yourself.  You GET to raise this baby, you GET to change diapers, feed, clothe him/her.  You GET all the good and you GET all the bad.  I know since you're pregnant, you probably can't understand yet.  But trust me when I say...a parent bailing on the child isn't the worst thing in the world.  Look at everything he's giving you....think about that.

I now have 2 children who have fathers that have bailed.  I thank them both because I get my kids.  And it just doesn't get any better than that.  

ps...look at how you're describing this man.  pathalogical liar.  not "too" nice.  If you don't let him go...your life will be hell for now.  He seems to be doing both you and the child a favor, for the time being.  

Release ALL anger, then look at your situation.  

[long_day]

This wasn't a one night stand arrangement.  We were expecting to marry, and had clear guidelines about what would happen if an unexpected pregnancy occured.  Abortion was uniformily rejected by the ex, and so I don't feel that I was trapping him in any way.  It is about time that someone held him responsible for his actions.

Honestly if he places his anger about child support over his responsibility for his child, than that is a good measurement of his character, and I don't feel that my child is losing out.  However, I don't think that my child should have to suffer in life, because his father changed his mind, and decided he wasn't ready.  

[long_day]

I have no problem offering him joint anything, IF he were to demonstrate that he was going to be a lasting and meaningful presence in his child's life.  I have no problem with him deciding to see his child.

But this man has also declared that he will do anything in his power to hurt me, and I don't think that offering him joint anything would be wise at this time, as it would enable him to use his own child as a pawn against me.  I have copies of voicemails/e-mails that are just threats.

I think that I will request a low amount when we do go to court.  We will have to have it adjusted in a couple years anyway, should I be accepted into the masters program I am currently applying to (as my income will increase).

[momof5]

It's like if someone owes you something and suddenly they disappear.  If they don't think enough of you to repay you and go beyond that to hide from you IMO, you are better off losing the $$.  The previous post from indigosmom has a lot of insight.  

It sounds like you are alot better off if he hides from you....  You can't understand right now cuz you haven't gotten there yet but this may be the best thing that happens to you & your child.

[purrrfectgirl]

I have to agree with momof5 and indigo.  My daughter's father bailed on her.  and it was hard for me at first.  I got pregnant in HS and raised my daughter the whole time I was going to college (school full-time, work part-time, and a mommy).  But in the end, I think it just being me and her also made it easier to move on.  There's no one tying to where you're at, or holding you back.  There's no regular court battles about who gets what.  It seems so hard to understand.  But if you get yourself into a battle with him, you'll know there's a farir amount of truth to it.

[long_day]

my ex is threatening to leave, do this, do that, specifically so I will not file.  If I don't, i have given into his threrats.  I refuse to enable him in this way.  He is a control freak, and I have known this through almost all of our relationship.  Chances are this child will be involved though not in his life, in his families.  

His parents were very interested before the ex created an issue there.  I am assuming he accused this child of not being his.  When that is proven to be a lie, I imagine his parents will revert to their original position (wanting to babysite, see him/her, and be involved).  Therefore, my ex will always indirectly be in my life.  It's not like I can just walk away anyway.  

I live in one of the provinces with the most aggressive child-support/visitiation enforcement policies in Canada.  I know my ex though, and I know as long as he truly realizes that he can no longer control me, he will calm down and deal with things.  Often when he feels that he does not have control of a situation, he will react very harshly (as he has done), and will try many methods to get back control.  When he realizes he cannot, he will eventually let it go and calm down.  

[tulip]

Some people here have advised you to leave him alone, and let him go. They have a point, but IM was talking about a one night stand. You had a much bigger commitment than that from this man, and I don't know if I would just walk away. Especially if you know his family will want to involved in your child's life. It's not fair to the child to keep him from his biological family (or her).

I have a daughter with a man I lived with for several years. He dumped me when I was pregnant, had another gf for most of my pregnancy, and then after she broke up with him, he walked in and out on me from about 2 weeks before she was born until she was a year old, when I met my dh. (There is more about my story here under a post titled dead beat dad.)

Anyway, as a single mother, I relied on public assistance for a very short time right after my daughter was born, because my job did not pay for my maternity leave. I also have collected medical assistance, and daycare assistance. As a single mother, I did not make enough money to cover these expenses on my own. Because I had gone to the county for help, THEY went after him for CS. I assure you, if I had an income that was sufficient to support me and my child without him, I would not have filed for support. I never expected him to be responsible for her. He is currently $7,000 in arrears and my daughter has no idea where he lives. I know where he lives, but I don't tell her because it would only hurt her to know he is so close but doesn't keep in touch with her.

I think men should be responsible for their children, but if they don't have the ability to pay, should not be put into poverty over supporting children when they are not even allowed to be a part of their lives. It sounds like you have a career that would allow you to support your child without his help. If that's true, and you are awarded cs, you could put the money a savings account for your child for when he/she needs something big like furniture, musical instument, car, college. I wouldn't rely on his $$, especially if he is threatening to leave the country.

[Indigo Mom]

-----Some people here have advised you to leave him alone, and let him go. They have a point, but IM was talking about a one night stand. You had a much bigger commitment than that from this man, and I don't know if I would just walk away. -----

"bigger" committment or one night stand, the situations are very similar.  Neither man wanted to be a father.  It shouldn't matter how long two people are together, just because this womans boyfriend was with her her for a few years doesn't mean he wants to be a father any more than my sons father.  IMO, if a guy doesn't want to be a dad, and is willing to leave the country, let him go.  It's not worth the time tracking him down, forcing him to pay.  It couldn't get any more obvious he doesn't want to be a dad.  Another thing....if we'd like to talk "worse"...how about this guy being romantically involved with her for X amount of years, then bailing when the going gets tough.  Some guy, huh?  Yep, I'd LOVE for him to be my childs father.

She's got it made.  She has what most of us on this forum would die for...an ex who would just disappear.  She won't be forking out TONS of money to lawyers, evaluators, GAL's, etc.  She won't be suffering migraine after migraine because the ex is up to some "sneaky" stuff.  She won't have to worry about her child when the child is with this schmuck for any amount of time.  She won't have to "deal" like we do...and you know as well as I do that "dealing" ain't fun.

She IS the only parent to this child.  Gee...that's something to cry about, isn't it?  It's scary raising a child on your own, but better than the alternative. Yes, I had a one night stand that resulted in a pregnancy.  But I also had a relationship with my daughters father, who also bailed.  And let me tell you...a moron who disappears is MUCH better than a moron that comes around once a year just to screw with you...and that's what my daughters father does.  If she forces this guy to be responsible, #1, he's going to flee the country, but #2, he more than likely will make her life a living hell.

What's worse????  Having to raise your child alone, or having to deal with an idiot for the next 18 years?  I told her how I feel regarding a guy bailing before birth.  I didn't share with her the nightmare my daughters father has caused us, and this guy is one I "had" a relationship with.

Don't focus on the one night stand vs. the relationship thing.  Her ex doesn't want to be a father.  Let it go.  It'll be he who regrets this decision one day...not her.  It'll be he who misses out on all the "goodies" that come with having a child...not her.  That's not so bad, is it?