I had no idea...

[saille]

I have to say that I'm positively stunned at how the child support standards have been developed.  I know this is new to me, but still.

My x and I both have equal custody of our two children.  I have lived to regret this decision, but my goal in agreeing was to minimize any trauma the kids experienced.  I agree that they need their father in their lives.

However, I was stunned to realize that even with equal custody, in the state of PA I could be liable to him for significant child support.  I find this ridiculous for a variety of reasons.  A-He's 16 years older than me, and he has a master's degree.  His income before we separated was about 75% of what my income was, but I took all the marital debt and am still paying on all the debt/bills outside of the mortgage, coming to nearly $1100 a month, since he won't pay them and I don't want my credit destroyed.  Immediately after our separation, he quit his job as well.  Since then he's gone down-hill.  The children stay up too late, don't get healthy meals--just junk food in front of the television.  Homework gets done in front of the television.  I have to arrange for all lessons and sporting activities, even to the extent of selecting teams that have practice on days the children are with me because I can't rely on him to take them.

Still, I learn that all of this is irrelevant in the eyes of the court unless he can actually be proven unfit.  So I am carrying the responsibility for our kids, and I'm paying his bills, and I'm paying him support...and we have equal custody!

To me the sensible thing would be to figure out what each parent's contribution should be to their upbrining...if mine is figured at $800 and his is figured at $600... then I could give him half of the difference so we both have equal amounts to take care of our children.

However, the guidelines don't even allow this!  Since I make even a dollar more, I'm the obligator.  And I am expected to give him the majority of my expected financial contribution to the raising of our children, leaving me with only a portion left.

I can barely pay my bills.  I even let him have the home, anything to get out of the bad marriage.  It doesn't even matter that this man was my school teacher and became involved with me when I was only 15 years old.

I pay and pay and pay.  I'm trying to make a better life for my kids by getting out of an unhealthy relationship, and I'm trying still to be fair to him, because I know the children need their dad, but I just feel like I'm screwed from every angle and there's no justice in this system whatsoever.

And it frustrates me even more because I see all these women who have been ruthless and taken their Xs for everything, denied them rights, alienated their kids.  And I've absolutely refused to do this on any level and so I get screwed over by it.  

Well, it just isn't right.  And any second job I take to survive on, half of that pay has to be considered for support also.  :(  Its just not right.  

-Saille

[jilly]

Call me cold hearted but I'm just not feeling very sympathetic. Half of my DH's income goes to pay child support for 2 children. We have a child together and in order to have enough groceries in the house to feed OUR child I have to not pay a bill or two. We can't even afford to buy new clothes for ourselves. Clothes for our child are hand-me-downs from family members or bought from a consignment shop. From time to time, my best friend will send a care package with new clothes for my daughter as will my Mother. So...yeah...I'm not feeling any sympathy. Stop whining.

[Kitty C.]

Sounds like a LOT of fathers I know...........

[saille]

>Call me cold hearted but I'm just not feeling very
>sympathetic. Half of my DH's income goes to pay child support
>for 2 children. We have a child together and in order to have
>enough groceries in the house to feed OUR child I have to not
>pay a bill or two. We can't even afford to buy new clothes for
>ourselves. Clothes for our child are hand-me-downs from family
>members or bought from a consignment shop. From time to time,
>my best friend will send a care package with new clothes for
>my daughter as will my Mother. So...yeah...I'm not feeling any
>sympathy. Stop whining.

Wow, you know, I don't even know where you're coming from.  Why are you pissed at me?  I pay what I'm required to.  Plus I pay all of the previously acquired marital debt that my X is legally liable for 50% of the payment, but he doesn't give that to me, even though I give him support.  He chose to quit his job so I could support him.  He has a master's degree.  My boyfriend pays over 50% of his monthly income in child support to his kids and does it willingly, but he's a NCP with standard visitation right now and we don't complain about that.

I don't have money remaining to take care of purchasing items for my OWN kids that I pay support FOR and have 50% of their lives, while I work full time, whereas their dad skimps on paying his debt obligations, is voluntarily unemployed, and has money to take them out to eat 2-3 times a week, to movies, etc., etc., and I'm broke.  I don't get why you've got an attitude with me.  

I'm just saying there's something wrong with the system when it rewards one parent for being voluntarily unemployed.  There is something wrong with the system when it penalizes one parent who has equal custody, just because he/she makes more.  

See, I'm not saying with equal custody there should be no support.  I'm just saying that if the state says his expecting contribution to child rearing is 600 and mine is 800 a month, I shouldn't be legally responsible to give him 600 a month of that 800 because they use some crazy 30% ratio.  If we have equal custody and my expected contribution to raising our child is 200 a month more than his, then let me give him half that so we each have equal funds to raise our children with equal time.  Are you familiar with the PA statutes or what I'm talking about?

-Saille

[Bolivar OH]

You are experiencing Government Regulation on the family.

I pay huge amounts in CS and Spousal Support and only get to see my son every other weekend (also every Tues at the present).

Be grateful you can spend as much time as you can with your children.

In my case Dad automatically became visitor in his Sons life.  Yet I am stuck writing an unaccountable check every month.

The ironic fact of this "In the Childs best interest" is if my X we're to have a live in boyfriend, he would get more time with my son than me.  That to me is immoral.  But then again, who ever said politicians are moral.

[saille]

I agree.

Moms and Dads should have their children equally.  And I am grateful that I have my children as much as I do.

I'm just pointing out one aspect of the system (I know there are many) that should be reworked.  Namely PA's formula for determining support in equal custody cases.  It makes no sense whatsoever.

If I didn't believe that we each have equal rights I'd never have agreed to 50% custody in the first place.

Sorry for your situation.  You should have your child more.

-Saille

[lacunar]

I agree you are getting a raw deal, and I admire your sense of responsibility.

Some questions:

When was child support modified?

If he is a school teacher, then why isnt he working?

Did you know that child support guidelines are rebuttable?  If you havea strong case to show where the guidleines do not apply in your case, you have the right to present your rebuttle.


I feel for you.  I was forced to agree to alimony for my ex becasue the divorce masters move so slowly here that I could have ended up paying APL Alimony while divorce is pending, no cont4esting it) for so long that it was cheaper to buy her off with a set term of alimony higher than the state allowance.

[joni]

It was deja vu reading your story.  If you took your name out and inserted my husband's name, it would be exactly his story.

We're $500,000 in debt from the divorce, live paycheck to paycheck and have paid the BM over $100,000 in child support and alimony, BM lives with her own parents and you know what???  She's pissed it all away and doesn't have to provide any accounting of how she's spent over $60,000 in child support in three years.  There's no trust for the kid, she's spent this money on herself.

She system is screwed.  Couldn't agree with you more.  Trying everything to fix it.  That's why I'm here.  You have every right to be pissed and angry.

The only thing surprising about your story is that you're the mom.  Otherwise, it's what every other dad goes through on this board.

[NeverGiveUp]

You're right, it's not right.  Try not to let that cloud your vision with respect your children.  Because you're right there too, they need both their parents.  The sadest part is there needs to be more women in your shoes, then everyone would be on the same page and the system would change.  Unfortunately, ironicaly you are in the minority.  

Welcome to our world where no one has a voice . . .

[wendl]

actually if either parent is voluntarily un/underemployed most states will let you imput the income.

But most cs awards are unfair, they do not think about the parent paying cs's household.