When do you tell a child the truth? DNA test comfirms he isn't the bio

[Happyno]

We found out a while ago that she isn't his.  DH doesn't know who she belongs to and the ex doesn't know that the test was done.  We lied to the daughter saying the test was for something else (home kit).  She is 13 now.  When should she learn the truth?  Obviously she doesn't have the same medical history that my dh has and we don't know who's medical history she has.  Does it matter that she find out?  What about future children for her?  It would have been better if she would have known from the beginning then this wouldn't be an issue but the mother never told the truth.  DH suspected but he didn't know for sure either.  

[4honor]

And work with her to let DD know. This child will need to know that you are not abandoning her and you need to let child know that you will help her find BF if / when she decides to look for him.

[hagatha]

When should the child know??? IMHO, NEVER!!!!!!!

Sorry, for being blunt, but if you decide to tell this child her daddy isn't her daddy, you will screw her up forever.

Your dh IS her father. Legally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and lovingly. Just because her recently found he is not biologically is meaningless.

The rest doesn't and shouldn't matter. And if it does, he doesn't deserve to have her!

The Witch

[jilly]

I completely agree with Hagatha.

Why would you want to hurt her like that?  Why did you do the test in the first place?  Now that he knows he's not the biological father does he no longer love her??  How the hell can you turn off the love of "his" child jsut because he's found out he's not the biological father??

That's just freakin' wrong.

[mishelle2]

First thing that comes to my mind is.. how old is this child? And what are the intentions of dad wanting to tell her? and are you sure this home kit is 100% accurate?? I think that if you tell her it should be when she is older and can understand that you are not abandoning her.. its not her fault .. love her the same as you always have, and without judgement. The love of a child is unconditional, so should be of the love of a parent or a presumed parent.

where did you get this home test?

[Happyno]

I never said that he didn't love her, he does.  Same situation in my family.  My sister and brother don't know that our father isn't really thier bio father.  If I was in their shoes, I would want to know.  On the other hand, if she were to find out that my dh wasn't really her father then it would "wipe out" his family of truly being hers, in a bio. way.  We are really torn about this.  In this type of situation someone always finds out and tells.  I found out about my brother and sister but when I was an adult.  We think a teenager in the family knows and are concerned that he might tell.  We can't ask the teenager because then we'll be telling him in  asking the question.  I hear of couples that adopt tell their children from the beginning so that they don't have to find out at a later age.  They just grow up knowing the truth.  

[catherine]

when she is more mature to handle it.

[speciallady]

she should know but NOT before the bio dad himself knows. The bf has a right to know he has as child, and unfortunately, mom might have to do some heavy answering to questions when the child finds out.
I think this dad who had raised her needs to let bm know all of this and go from there.....I'd be calling a counselor to help too.
JMO

[futureuselesseater]

Ya know, a friend of mine's DH has a daughter who is about 15 from his first marriage.  Well, it is very apparent this girl is not his as the child appears to have a hispanic father when both mom and dad are white.  My friends DH also knew at the time mom might be pulling a fast one on her but he stood by her at the time anyhow.

Well, the way he sees it as he doesn't want to know the truth of his daughter's DNA cause it doesn't matter.  His daughter is his daughter and nothing else matter's.  Even if they did DNA testing it wouldn't make a difference.

Also, my BIL(sister's DH) found out his dad was not his Bio dad when he was in high school.  One day he just figured it out on his own at he never thought they looked much alike.  It never made a difference and he doesn't care to know who his bio dad is, he has a dad!

[wysiwyg]

I believe that at times some things are better off left unsaid.  I think this is one of them.  You were the one who suspected something and sought the truth, now you have the burden of knowledge, and I believe that to impose this burden on the child will cause more harm than good.  If at some time in the child's life there comes a time when they must know, you will know it in your heart and share that information.  Please share out of compassion and love and not out of anger or hurt.  ALso keep in mind that that time may never come.  But ALYWAYS remember to show and tell the child that they are YOUR CHILD and how much you love them and how special they are.  

Just my own opinion.