Update on BMmoving out of state- had our 1st court appearance

[KathyNY]

We had our "first appearance" in family court yesterday, and BM seemed like she honestly thought she'd walk in there and leave having "won" and would be able to move to Illinois this weekend! The "referee" (it's not a judge) immediately realized she didn't have counsel present and adjourned until the 22nd and assigned a Law Guardian to meet with the children. BM's mom was there- and get this- they both showed up wearing above-the-knee jean skirts & flip-flops! Real classy! Anyway, BM's mom complains that the kids are due to start school (in Illinois) on the 23rd, so the date gets bumped up to next week, Aug. 10th. I waited for our attorney to counter that, and he didn't, so I spoke up (and the referee SMILED at me) and I told him that the children are still registered at their elementary school here- they just have to be re-enrolled, which is just a matter of filling out a form! I was smiling the whole time and trying to hide it. BM's mom looked like she wanted to choke me.

BM holds up their separation agreement, says "He gave me sole custody!" The referee told her we're not in trial yet, he's only holding up the judge's petition stating she can't take the kids out of the state, but she's free to go! And if she does go, the kids go to their father! And then the referee pointed out that if we go to trial, that will run way past the beginning of school in either state so the school issue will be irrelevant! His tone of voice was very demeaning towards BM the entire time, and when he told her she was free to leave, but the kids weren't, he even flipped his hand at her, said "Go! But they don't leave!"

The kids met with a law guardian today (who is an old friend of my parent's, but BM took the kids to the appt. so we didn't get to tell him this- it may not affect it one way or the other, but I'm willing to try!) Originally BM said "YOU make the appointment, YOU take them" but I don't know if she figured it would look better if she took them, or if she actually was being considerate since she's a SAHM and he's working nights and getting up to take them to a noon apt. would totally interrupt his sleep for the day, but my FH wanted to be the one to take them to the apt. anyway.  He felt that they might have "nicer things to say about the parent they last see before going in with him" but I know that's not the case. They're 4 & 5 and they're going to want to live w/ their mom, but they're not going to want to be separated from their dad, either. We now to have to trust in the professionals to do what's best for them, to do their jobs properly (fingers crossed).

BM left there ticked off, never spoke 2 words to us the entire time. We feel much better about our case now, though- but not 100% confident. Even though BM can get an attorney now and will have time to prepare before a trial, we're way ahead of her with all the research I did and everything I've put together for our attorney.  I hope her attorney, who she obviously has not retained these past few weeks, wants to kick her in the behind for not having done so, and then do the same to her mother, whose big mouth moved the date up, giving him only 10 days to prepare his case for the pre-trial conference next week, rather than the 22 days he would've had!

I just still can't believe that right out of the gate the judge-guy was already "against" the MOM!  Score one for the DADS!  

[ocean]

Hi,
SO far, so good! Why was mother-in-law allowed into the mediation room? You could have fought that. I know we had BM's boyfriend kicked out of the room once because he was not a party.
IF it goes past this next hearing, I would ask on the 10th to get consent to enroll children back in home-district. DO you think she will get a lawyer for both cases?
Keep up the GREAT work!!!

[KathyNY]

The courts didn't question her mom being there, or me- they asked who she was, she said "her mom" and they asked who I was and I only gave them my name.  I didn't say "I'm his fiance."  If my FH tried to keep her mom out, BM would DEFinitely keep me out!

I don't know if the judge will let us enroll my SS in school because BM has "sole legal" custody so she has the right to pick his school, and while her "current" address is in the same school district as ours, we heard that her fiance's house has been sold.  They've been staying at her mom's house, which is in a different district.  Since BM has physical custody right now, the school needs custody papers as proof that SS lives with us in order for us to enroll him in the elementary school he has already been registered in.  BM can sign him up for a school by her mom's house, which will make drop-off & pick-up easier on her, but it will be better on the kids to start the year off at the school they've been going to (well, the 10 yo has been going there, my SS is 5 and is just starting kindergarten but went in at the end of last term for a few "trial" classes).  But I'm sure BM will do what's best for HER, not them.

She's going to have to get a lawyer or it's just going to keep postponing things even further, I think.  At least that's the impression we got yesterday.  The judge wanted to make sure she had counsel present, and was immediately going to adjourn when she didn't.  Our next meeting is a "pre-trial conference" & the judge told her "See you next week, with your counsel present."  

The longer it takes before the trial starts, the longer it'll be before the trial ends and this is settled.  By then, the kids will have had to've started school and it's a further disruption of their lives to move in the middle of a school year, especially if she wants to take them from a public school here and enroll them in a private, Catholic school there, in the middle of the term!  So that only helps our case even more.

[kaylene99]

Hi KathyNY,

It sounds like things are going in your favor so far.  Great! :-)

When does school start in your district?  You need to tell your lawyer to bring this up at the next court appearance.  Even though she has sole legal custody, the court may press upon preserving the status quo at this time.  Not sure but worth asking the judge.  Voice your concerns about the benefits of SS staying in the current school and OFFER a plan to help BM with pick-up and drop-off if that's her issue.  This way, you will appear very much for your kids' best interest and BM will appear, well, you know what she would look like.  On second thought, since her "current" address is still the same, there's really no need to change the kids' school right now, is there?

Another thing I would suggest since you guys are in the middle of this is to modify the divorce order after this relocation case and add a move-away clause for BM.  You already know that she wants to move now so she will want to do that again in the future (especially if this one is not granted by the court).  Having that clause will help prevent her every whim of moving away as going back to court for anything is not cheap.

I had to chuckle when I read about BM's mom because my husband's ex MIL is a piece of work herself.  She sent me a very nasty email but I responded nicely and *warned* her against contacting me again.  I haven't heard from her since but, if looks could kill, I would've been dead a long time ago. *LOL*  Just remember, act very nice and extra friendly towards them because that kills them.  Keep smiling, too, even though things just irritate the crap out of you because you don't want to send the message that they can get to you.  Just show them that your world is a HAPPY place and there's not a darn thing they can do to change that!!!

[KathyNY]

Thanks, kaylene.

My SS hasn't yet started school, technically, so I don't know if we can push for keeping the "status quo" and BM told us just last night that her house DID sell, so I guess she can't use that address anymore, and that's the one in our school district.  

As of yesterday BM's attorney, who she now apparently has retained cuz if she really had before it wouldn't've taken him until now to do this, sent a motion to our attorney to move the case from Family Court to Supreme Court because their divorce action is pending in Supreme Court (and FC won't interefere if there's one action pending in the SC system- they'll keep them together).  Now, when we filed the Temporary Order/Petition to keep the kids in the state, FC sent us to SC, who told us that the divorce had NOT been filed w/ SC- so we don't know what's going on at this point.  Our attorney says the law won't change, so it doesn't really matter- the only difference being that SC trials generally run quicker than in FC.  But I liked the "referee" in FC cuz he didn't seem to like BM so much!  LOL

As soon as this is over, and the divorce is finalized, my FH will be filing for an amendment to it.  Provided we win, he'll want to add the no-move stipulation, but there are other issues like BM getting to claim the kids every year (even though she's a SAHM!) and he hardly gets any holidays (she's been good about splitting them, but according to the CO she doesn't have to, and I think after this she won't be so accomodating!

Thanks again for your reply.  Oh yeah- BM is trying to make my FH feel guilty now by saying that it's not fair that the kids miss her fiance so much, after only 3 weeks- he told her uh, think about how much they'll miss ME when they go months at a time w/out seeing me- I'm their FATHER!  Then she asked him how he'd feel if she has to go on welfare to take care of HIS kids since she won't go back to work until at least next year, after their youngest is in school.  He told her she'll have to do what she has to do.  She gets $1400/month in Child Support, total, between my FH and her other daughter's dad (for 3 kids total).  Don't cry poverty to me, and she was on public assistance before.  The kids won't suffer- their dad's will still be taking care of them, too.  She makes me so sick sometimes.  She told my FH that he needs to be prepared for the courts to let her leave with the kids.  And he told her to be prepared to stay!  

Thanks again.

[ocean]

My ex went to FC to file for a modification and my lawyer changed it to Supreme and lumped it all into the divorce action. You could ask your lawyer to fight to keep it in FC and the will stamp the final orders and they will be rolled into the divorce (since you really like the mediator). Her lawyer is trying to get a clean slate with a new person. UGGG....

I think it is funny that she really thinks she is going to WIN both cases when it looks like she is NOT! LOL She will be suprised.....Has she said if she will move without them recently?

Do you have a custody motion now if she does move? Then you can add all that modification stuff right into the new papers that you will be making. Either way you will have to make new papers unless she stays here and it all stays the same....

Good LUCK!!!

[KathyNY]

Per our attorney, each county is different and the county we reside in like to keep everything in the same jurisdiction.  So since there's already one action pending between these two parties in the Supreme Court, Family Court has the right to bump the relocation case up to SC too.  I'm sure she's pleased, though, that she doesn't have to deal with that guy that obviously didn't like her!

I'm not sure what you mean about the papers.  Can you be a little more specific?  I've never had to do this before and it would be really helpful if we can get this stuff ready ahead of time, if there's a way to do it.  

She's never indicated she'll move and leave them here.  She strongly feels she'll be allowed to go, and that's all she's focusing on.  The only slight reference she made was the welfare comment yesterday, so I guess she's implying she'll stay.  In that case we'll definitely want to have the no-move stipulation added.  What do you mean by adding the modifications into the new papers?  Can our lawyer have what we want drawn up ahead of time and file it as soon as we "win."  Or does he file the motion now?  I'm confused!  lol

Thanks for the info!

[ocean]

I would think if you "win" (and she moves) then you will have to have new orders written. OR if you "lose" and she moves with the kids, new visitation orders would be written. OR you win (and she stays) orders would remain the same?----but she will need a new place to live. I would have each senerio on it's own sheet and then put what you would want if each one came true. That way, when the decision is made, your lawyer can have a plan ready. If you are lucky, the judge may say. okay enter it!
EX: You win, BM says I am moving anyway, your lawyer says we need to get a new visitation plan in place and this is what we propose...."
Your lawyer may need to go for custody/modification depending on the outcome so you may not be able to do it that day BUT I would have it ready now because you have the time and can think straighter than right after court. You could also have a couple of days to say...let's add this or that.
Good luck!!

[Emma]

Hi Kathy,

I'm also in NY, and have gone through custody proceedings twice.  Our case was in Supreme Court too...my advice for when you revise the current agreement is to make sure you guys ask for the moon...ask for things you know you will never get-- and then you have some bargaining room.

When we were in court the first time, school was an issue, bec the court didn't want to change things up.  The second time we were in court, SD had been in school for 2 weeks of that school year but they still changed custody...my point in telling you that is that your BM is going to have to have some GREAT reasons why she's uprooting these kids, from dad and everything they know, bec from my experience they like to keep status quo!!

Good luck:)

[Genie]

situation like this a while back.  The BM was engaged and wanted to move to Alaska with the 3 children.  The BF was living with his fiance (who posted) and was fighting tooth and nail.  And no matter what research they did or how important it seemed to keep BF in the children's lives, the court still let her uproot the children and move them far away from BF.  They were devastated, the kids were devastated but BM still moved them to Alaska and didn't look back.

If I am correct she and her new H then started messing with phone contact and visitation and things just fell apart from there.

So I agree that any court order will need to be VERY specific.  Make sure phone calls are listed for certain days and times and that she must make them available for them.  Get visitation and holidays ironed out and who pays for transportation or how split.  Ex you guys pay to get them to you and she pays to get them to her.

She's moving and I hate to see it but I can definitely see them letting her take the kids.  I reread your post below.  I live in IL and can say the reason for the $4-5 pay cut is because that is to adjust for the lower cost of living.  He will be living the same in IL as in NY believe me.  NY is not a cheap state to live in.  You make more money there and you pay more money for housing etc too.