18 years and now this...

[Indigo Mom]

oops...i'm sorry...

I kept calling your "he" a "she".  

You have to keep in mind that this lil dude might have been told some awful lies about you, and just like you, he's scared.  Nothing is going to happen overnight, so bear with him.  He's a 17 year old kid filled with all that crazy teenage stuff and now he finds out his dad "is" a real person.  That's alot to deal with at such a young age.  I know being 17 alone, is enough to make anyone go nuts....poor kid.  

-----This sounds harsh, but I don't think I can every be a "parent" to him. -----

Do you want to?  Would you like to get to know him?  Maybe your wife can help this along.  I know this is completely different, but my hub has a sister who left the family about 15 years ago (lies, deception, all that good soap opera shit).  Hub thought she hated him, she thought he hated her...his parents lied to him about this whole situation.  Anyway, I found her friends phone number and started talking to her.  The friend and I were the "go betweens" because neither my hub or his long lost sister were "ready" to deal with each other yet.  I think that worked out pretty well.  Would your wife be willing to help?

-----She denied me of a bonding period -----

Sort of.  She denied you your newborn son, that's for sure.  You didn't see his first tooth, or watch him hit a home run.  You missed all of his schooling, and didn't get to teach him to tie his shoes...but now you have the opportunity to know him.  You can bond with him, even though he's almost an adult.  If things work out, you get to watch him blossom into a wonderful man, get married, have kids...I know it doesn't cancel out the things you've missed...but you can't change the past.  

-----I think I need to point blank ask him what he wants and then decided - after speaking with my wife- if I (we) can do this. -----

Maybe so.  All you can do is ask.  If he wants nothing to do with you, that's just too bad.  I'd continue trying, if I were you.

BTW...what the HELL would possess her to ask for child support when the child is almost an adult??????????  It's hard enough trying to figure out why she didn't tell you she was pregnant...but then to do this???  I don't get it!

[huskers]

Thanks... It's going to be hard and like I have said I guess I need to figure out not only what he wants but what is right for me to.

My wife keeps telling me that it takes 2 to have a relationship - that it can't be onesided....

I think I'll sign up for a lobotomy... HA

[huskers]

Thanks for the reply.

I don't know right now if I want anything.  The BM is pressuring me for more contact with him and I have explained that I need time... time to figure things out... time to work through the financial details and she just doesn't respect it.

Her sister (the b/m) is now contacting my wife - which really, she is trying to stay out of and just support my in my decisions.  The sister calls during the day when I am not home and if my wife says to call and speak to me.. she doesn't and she keeps calling.  So now we have caller ID.  They both have contacted my mother - who now is not speaking to me or my wife- and my youngest brother- who called me and wrote me an email- basically telling me how wrong I am.  

Is it wrong that I need time???

[sweetnsad]

and my thoughts will be with you and your family.:-)

[Indigo Mom]

-----Is it wrong that I need time???-----

OF COURSE NOT!!!!!  You'd be a moron to jump right in, not knowing anything about this child.  

Here you are, putting along in life...getting married, having kids, living your life your way.  Then, all of a sudden, BAM...you have a 17 year old?  Gee...that's like walking down the street and having a hoodlum crack your skull with a bat...ya know?

Both you and your "new" son are going to need alot of time to figure this out.  I gotta say...you just had your entire world flipped upside down.  And that is an understatement!!!!!

Take the time you need, this is a VERY important decision you need to make.  I would send him cards and stuff around the holidays, and continue making the calls...but man...this is one situation I would never want to be in.  

I'm not all into therapists, but maybe you need to talk to a professional about this.  You've just been slam dunked with some serious emotional issues...maybe a counselor could help you.

Now I have to ask...why is your mother ignoring you?????

[Forgotten Father]

I totally understand how you feel.  I found out a year ago that I have a 13 year old son.

I fought for a year and did receive shared parental responsibility.  I was so proud to have my son come visit with my family for the summer.  He fit right in.

I understand that things probably feel tense or weird...they did for me too, but I have a wonderful wife who accepted my son as her own.  Sometimes she tries to fit him into our life more than I do.

You should probably concentrate on being more of a friend to your son...you are already his father (whether you feel it or not).  The bond will form but not forced.

Also understand that he may never be as close as your other children, but he should always know that he has a father and here you are.

Good Luck to you and congradulations.

From one Forgotten Father to another.

[Davy]

It is completely normal to desire justice and hold this person to some form of accountability especially when considering the strife it is probably causing in your family not to mention the young man that grew up not knowing his father and a father's influence.

A parent that denies a child of the other parent (and visa versa) is of the upmost evil being and should be called to answer to the fullest.  

At this point in time, contacting the government (Social Services) attempting to be financially rewarded by extorting money from you is a severe abuse of the intent and purpose of the child support system.

It is hoped that you and your son can develop and work on a relationship.  Apparently you have no knowledge of this boys' upbringing and disposition so be cautious of the darkness of the BM's influence.  It may take some effort to locate/retain legal counsel to aggressively pursue this matter (if that is what you decide).

Best of luck to you and yours.  

[doood]

i wouldn't ask him point blank. that's way too much pressure to put on him. it's too passive-aggressive to leave that decision up to him. your son sees that his mother has lied to you all these years, and to him as well. he soon will no longer be a child, but a young man, and he'll still need a father. does he know how to hold a job? buy a car? manage money? buy a house? these lessons may not be as blissful as throwing a football or riding a bike, but they are just as important.

give this thread a read:
http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=104&topic_id=580&mesg_id=580&page=

[NoNicky]

What she did was fraud.  It is usually not punished and the law is very fuzzy from what I understand.  We are not that far in the process and don't know that we will actually persue the fraud charges against the bm and her now ex husband for the fraud the perpetrated on my dh.  From what we have been told it is still a relatively new area in the legal arena and we were told that my dh would need to persue civil action against them.  At this point we are holding that card back.  It has kept the man who later claimed to be the father in check and helped us win some other legal battles in my dh's quest to be a part of his son's life.  His son is only 8 though.  He stlll feels robbed and cheated though.  She did a cruel and vicious thing.  She stole 8 years from him.  No one will ever be able to give them that time together back.  

At this point my personal opinion is that you probably won't be able to parent a 17 year old.  He wouldn't be accepting of it even if you did feel equipped to do it.  Try establishing a relationship of some type though and in the end you may end up being a "dad" which is better than being a parent any day!  

I know you want justice.  All men in this situation do.  There are more than you may realize.  Something precious was taken from them.  Something that there is no way for the courts to give back no matter what is done.  

If you ever want to talk to someone else who is going through some of this bs feel free to e-mail us.  We can show you some of the motions we have had to file.  DH had to fight to be recognized as the father because she got a man she met was fooling around with while she was with my dh to claim paternity and they intentionally defrauded my dh.  

One last note.  DH and sees and a good hunk of the time says what he'd like posted.  I'm the better typist so I do the posting.  

NoNicky & `cuda

[StPaulieGirl]

All you can do is take it one day at a time.  He's probably as shocked as you are, but I'll bet if you both can have conversations, you'll find that you two have at least one common interest :-)

You guys have the rest of your lives to get to know each other.  Don't sweat it :-)