18 years and now this...

[Kitty C.]

Notifying you 17 years after the fact is one thing, but harrassment is a horse of a different color.  If you have caller, can you print out all the calls that come in?  Talk to your local law enforcement and ask tme what they consider harrassment.  This is something neither you or your wife should have to put up with.  

The BM needs to be taught a lesson that it is NOT up to her for force a relationship, especially after DENYING one for 17 years!  ThaT if you and your son desire a relationship, that will be between the two of you, but NOT up to her.  And harrassment IS against the law and punishable.

[nosonew]

I agree with the other posters regarding  a law suit.  It will just put a big wall between whatever relationship you and your son could have in the future.  

I also agree, be his friend, and it is possible he already has a "father figure" in his life.  Is she married?  Has that man raised your son as his own?

If she is pushing you to be involved in his life, that means that the son has made comments to her stating he wants you involved.  

Your best way to form a relationship is something you two do together, alone.  Like see if he wants to go to a ball game, something that is a "guy thing".  Start slow, and work up to him meeting your wife and other kids.  He needs to form a relationship with YOU before anyone else.  

Your wife is probably overwhelmed and with a newborn at home, doesn't need this pressure.  Do alot of this on your own, and make sure she is fulling informed of how you feel, what your plans are, etc. so she doesn't feel "out of the loop".  

Remember, whether 17 days old or 17 years old, it takes baby steps to form a relationship...and perhaps he is feeling you are holding back.  That may scare him away.  He's old enough to understand alot of your frustrations, and once you meet up face to face and get a "friend" relationship going, just talk to him, be honest about your fears and frustrations.  Don't slam the mom, just state "I just don't understand why..."

Good luck to you and yours!

[huskers]

Again thanks.... We live in a very small town and all of the help and advise from the site has been very helpful.  I (we) have considered therapy, but we don't feel they would be helpful or qualified for the money they would charge...

You are correct, I have had my world flipped upside down.  I know I am dwelling on the financial issue.  ALOT!  They are asking for nearly $600 - and right now we live paycheck to paycheck.  That fuels my fire to my anger and I have been very, very concerned that I am not in the "right" frame of mind to met this child.  Nobody understands that at this point.  So this leads up to my mother...

To preface, my mother and I have always been close.  My mother and my wife have been best friends for nearly 17 years.  When she learned of this (mind you she lives in the same town as this family) she contacted the b/m letting her know that she was there for anything she may need.  When she told us this, after the fact, we went beserk to say the least.  We asked her not to have contact until we figured out were we stand legally.  She agreed.

She has not abided by this.  She scheduled a meeting with the b/m and the child, again letting them know that she was there anytime for anything.  When we found this out I again became angry and felt betrayed by her.  My brother even called her and ask that she stay out of it - to which she replied she would.

There is more...

She bought them Christmas gifts - again sending me over the edge.  I am a  basketball coach and I had a game in the town where the b/m and child live.  I called the b/m and explained that I just was not in the right frame of mind to meet and to please, please respect this.  She said she would and explain it to him and would call if something would change.  I told her that we would meet - just not now.  I would be working and did not feel this would be the appropriate place or time.

When I entered the game, my mother was sitting with them.  She wouldn't even sit with my wife and kids.

She feels I am wrong to have not accepted him right from the beginning.  She expects me to open my heart and home, which at this point I just can't.  I believe it will come.

So to continue,  10 minutes before the game I am approached by this person.  He turned out to be the child.  I was in awe!  I couldn't even say anything and the only thing I was thinking was that I had been set up and that nobody respected my wishes.  I just looked at him and said "I have a game"  I then looked across the gym and my mother was sitting alone looking directly at me.  So she knew this was about to happen and couldn't even give me fair warning.  It was terrible.  It was awful!  I feel badly how it went down as I just walked away from him.

She, my mother, then approached my wife - at the game- and started attacking her verbally.  Telling her it was all her fault that I would not have a relationship with him.  She called her every name you could think of ... it got very ugly and ending with my wife slapping my mother.  Mind you she did this after having my mother point her finger in her chest and repeatedly saying to her you are a f... b....  NOBODY should have to put up with that.  I feel my wife was justified.  She was out of control.

I don't understand my mother right now.  How can she abandoned me and my family after 17 years.... I don't know what will happen as we have not spoken since then and it has been 2 weeks.

My wife is done with her, but has made the commitment that she will not stand in the way of her seeing the kids.  I respect her for that.

After it was all said and done, my mother went and sat again with them.  Her actions spoke very loud.  She sent me an email the following day saying she did not realize how a bad situation could get much worse.  She never apologized for her actions - but said she knows now she was wrong in contacting them.  I was informed that she had dinner with them last week.

Sorry this is so long....

So to everyone.... I HAVE briefly meet the child.  I don't know if I can at this point meet him again - with all that is going on.  I feel very strongly that I need to get things and keep things "strong" with my family, before I can reach out and even try.   Really before we can.   I fear that this will alienate him, but ... and this sounds horrible.. I don't know if I really care- as nobody, even he, has not  thought of me and my families feelings.  All I asked for was time to adjust.....

I ask, Why is it up to me to make everyone happy???

Maybe I do need a therapist....

[Kitty C.]

All I can say is...........you are JUSTIFIED in every sense of the word to feel the way you do and so does your wife!  This explains a LOT in why you feel the way you do regarding meeting with him and your reaction to all this.

JMO, but your mother stepped WAY far over the line in doing what she has done.  And probably is continuing to do.  But I do wish you would consider counseling, for you and your wife.  I also live in a VERY small town (less than 2500), but there are larger towns/cities within 50 miles that have many professionals available.  I urge you to find one if you can.  If you have ins., there is always the possibility that it could be covered.  My ins. covers mental health and counseling and all I pay is a co-pay for visits.  They have to be pre-approved, but that isn't hard to do.

Wow.....meeting him for the first time at a basketball game for a team you coach.....in front of God knows how many people.  There's only one other suggestion I could make, and that's to write a letter to him and tell him how you're feeling, that you need time to adjust to all this, and that you need to proceed on your 'terms', not to be thrown or pushed into this by others.  You might also want to remind him that tho he may at least have known he had a father for some time (just didn't know 'who'), you are still trying to recover from the shock of the knowledge you even had a child all these years.  You could even say something that someone else said here, that relationships are BUILT, not born, that you do want a relationship with him, but it should be on yours and his terms, NOT anyone else's.

I wish you and your family all the best and God bless.......

[sweetnsad]

First let me tell you how sorry I am that you are in this position and that your own mother put you there....she should have stayed out of it.  Doesn't she realize she is doing more harm than good?

Your wife is going through an awful lot right now...think how you would feel if you found out she had a 17 year old...it would be a HUGE adjustment and I cannot even imagine what she must be thinking.  I think she was VERY justified in standing up to your mother.  I would have done the same thing.

Right now, you need to sort out your mind and MAYBE seek some counselling to help you with all these conflicting feelings.  You have more reason than anyone to be confused and not know what to do next.  Also, your wife may need to talk to someone too and she needs to know that you are there for her and visa versa.

The child, or young man, in this case is probably also having a hard time...and both him and yourself never should have been put in such an awkward position where you are thrown together without either one knowing about it.  Shame on your mother and the bio mom for doing this!

I hope you and your family can get through this...it's hard and very trying, but with lots of support (which you will get here too!), it will get better.

Good luck...:-)

[4honor]

This past Father's day, my Father in law was surprised with a 42 year old son... his oldest son of 5 boys. My husband went from being the oldest to being the second oldest in a matter of minutes.

I was sceptical at first...he could have just been looking for a share of the in-laws' money, but I met him and he smiled and he is my FIL's son...no denying it.

It has not been all easy, but he now spends at least one weekend a month with his dad. He was welcomed with open arms and no expectations of what we were supposed to do for him. He expected nothing and got more than he could have asked or hoped. We expected nothing and we were blessed with a true family member who cares for each member as an individual. He adds more to the family than he takes.

You are looking at an almost adult male. The  only concern you need have is will you treat him at least as well as you treat a co-worker? A little warmth, a chance to show what he can do, and an opportunity to grow a relationship. Be who you are to those you coach, you teach, you guide where necessary, you encourage strengths and come along side the weaknesses. That is parenting a teenager you don't know.

Oh, and BTW, I have regained contact with my now 20 yo daughter after not seeing her for 12 years. We have not met face to face since the last time at age 8, .... BUT we instant message several times a week and we are planning to speak on the phone some day soon... when she has had enough time to get used to it.

Don't let your mother's actions and your reactions to them dictate your response to your son. Examine where you might have taken the relationship without her interference and point yourself back toward that goal.  It's going to be OK.

[norma]

This is ridiculously absurd. What state are you in? There have been cases, and your lawyer should be able to pull them for the judge - where NCP was "exempt" from being made to pay college tuition due to the CPs routine alienation from the NCP.
In your case, the CP HAS NEVER ALLOWED a relationship to exist between you and your child. YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVE TO PAY THIS WOMAN!!!!!!
Get a divorce attorney that knows what the hell they're doing. They should pull the cases and present them. Appeals court will always uphold prior decisions!!!!!