Looking for some advice from my old pals...

[jaylind]

Hi everyone.  Long time no typing!  I'm amazed at the new board, it's a big step up from the old ones.

Well, since I haven't been around, I'll try to summarize quickly...I'm a huge father's rights believer and advocate.  I married a man with one daughter from a previous relationship.  We tuned in to SPARC (FRTC at the time LOL) and gained joint custody of that daughter with liberal parenting time, etc.  I'm telling you all this to paint a context, I guess...

Anyway, husband went bananas after getting addicted to Rx drugs...it became clear he'd been a closet alcoholic as well etc etc.  In the meantime, we'd had two children of our own.

Eventually, he became too crazy to be safe for me and the kids to be around.  His older daughter from the former relationship was lost, back to sole custody for the mother because he was so nuts and on drugs etc etc.

At one point, he threatened to kill all of us and tried to drive his car through my bedroom wall.  Thankfully, a tree stopped him.  I got a restraining order against him for a year for that stunt.  That was when the baby was only 2 weeks old.  I don't know how I pulled through such a difficult time.

We divorced.  I retained sole custody of our two kids, now 2 and 4 years old.  Visitation/parenting time was set as "Until such time that the petitioner can furnish proof of having his substance abuse under control, parenting time shall be supervised and at such times and places as to be mutually agreed between the parties."  Which to me, means that *I* have to approve any of his parenting time.

I have been quite liberal with him regarding seeing the children.  He enrolled in a 13-month treatment program at a Union Gospel Mission 5 hours away from us.  He had to restart it once after spending some time in jail for forging a Rx for pain pills.  

There is only one court-supervised visitation program here, near the kids and me, and he burned his bridges there a year ago by not following their rules during one of his visits with the kids.  I was patient and understanding and actually took the kids to see him one weekend, supervised by his uncle and aunt and me.  Later on, I let the kids spend a weekend at the beach with him and another aunt and uncle of his.  After that, this past November, I let the kids stay with him unsupervised for the weekend at a local hotel.

Around Thanksgiving, he finally graduated from his program, after the restart 13 months before.  He told me he'd gotten a job locally (still 5 hours away from here) and a place to live, yadda yadda.  I told him fine, start sending child support now that you're working and when you have the money to come see the kids, you can see them for the weekend again etc etc.

Last week, he stole checks from his boss and forged them to purchase strippers to visit him AT HIS BOSS'S OFFICE!!!  I think--but don't know for sure yet--that drugs and alcohol were also involved.

I'm not at all surprised, I actually LOL'ed when I heard the news.  So, he's in jail again.  The guy must like jail, from what I can surmise....he's been there probably 7 times in as many years.

I don't give a shit about him or what happens to him.  I just wanna know if this is enough grounds to keep the kids from him....I don't want to do that but honestly I don't feel safe letting him see them unsupervised anymore.  And I am TIRED of supervising him myself.  I just don't want to be in the same room, he's such a scumbag, KWIM?  Not nice, I know....but I've given him a million chances before....you guys that remember me would know this.  If the local supervised visitation place would take him back, I'd agree to that.  But beyond that, I'm just done.  KWIM?

What should I do when he gets out of jail?  Should I just ignore his calls?  Let the kids talk to him on the phone?  I hate letting him lead them on when I know there is slim chance they'll see him.  They are so young and it really hurts them when he promises to see them and then doesn't show.   So sad.

I should probably call the atty I used for the divorce, he was very thorough and very kind and actually thought I was being too nice to the guy as far as letting him see the kids etc etc.  

I wish I knew what was right for my kids and what's legal and what I can get away with that won't jeopardize my own custody.  I can't imagine a judge would look at his record and order that I hand over the kids, short of some turnaround miracle in his life.

HELP!

jaylind

[Kitty C.]

It's really great to hear from you!  Even if the circumstances are less than favorable.  You have EVERY right to feel the way you do and I would be concerned for the children's safety as well.  Talking to your atty. might be a good step, but you also might want to consider talking to a counselor who specializes in children, maybe even a child psychologist.  Let them review everything that has transpired so far and get their opinion on what they think would be best for the kiddos.  You would also need to ask if they would be willing to report the same in court, for the protection of the children.

I'm so sorry to hear what's going on in your lives right now.  But you are a VERY strong woman and have proven over and over that you ONLY have your children's best interests at heart.  Good luck and God bless!

[joni]

Couseling might work well for your children.  It'll help them deal with the disappointments from having too high of expectations from their father.  

[StPaulieGirl]

Hi there.  Besides the children's counselor, speak to a drug and alcohol counselor in regards to your ex husband's behavior.  See what the chances are of him straightening up.  Speak with his parole officer, if he has one.  They might be able to give you some advice.  

Depending on the content, phone calls and notes probably wouldn't be a bad idea.  That last stunt he pulled with the strippers, really shows a scary lack of judgement.  I almost forgot, have you ever attended an Alanon meeting?  They're group of people who are close to substance abusers, and they've been through these kinds of situations.  They could possibly give you the advice you need.  Good luck, Jaylind.

[Peanutsdad]

jaylind,

You already know the answers to all this. As much as I hate to say it, he needs to be supervised with the kids. If you know someone that will responsibly supervise him during visits,, set it up that way. If not, then see if the facility will allow him back there.

If they wont, thats really his problem.

[KND]

Hey sweetie, I agree with peanutsdad on this one. You know whatcha gotta do, and that's pretty much it. I say let him know he can have visitation through the visitation place, and if they wont let him then sad for him for being a dork in the first place. You've done everything you can do and he has to get his own life under control. Read down the line a while and see my post for an explanation of the saga on this end of the world...it's a doozy so I'm right here with you every step of the way. I did the same thing, life gets so damn stressful and I came right back here looking for support....and I got a ton of it, so hope to see you around some more.

Email me and I'll send you my phone number so we can talk, I've got evening and weekend minutes free on my cell so it'd be free for both of us. Can't believe the kids are so big already, I'll get some pics of my gang together for you so you can see how much bbKND (2.5yo!!!) has grown!

Hugs to you, Birdie & BB :)

KND
[email protected]

[Childrenfirst]

Hi Jaylind!

Long time no talk but having shared your story and friendship for almost 4 years, I think you know what the old grandma is going to tell you.

There is hardly any other mother who wanted to do everything possible to keep her children's father in their life than you. You continued to stay with him as he used and drank so your children would have a father and you knew he did love them and vice versa. You tried over and over to believe that THIS time he would successfully get sober and work the program and were disappointed over and over.

There is nothing in the world that could jeopardize your custody of your kids and you know that. The legal thing to do and in the best interests and safety of your children is to follow the court orders not your soft heart! He is to have superivised visitation at the designated spot and if he can not make it or find a place to meet that will allow him, then he must suffer the consequences of his choices in life. He has not reached rock bottom yet jay and you know it.

You can not protect the kids if he says he will see them and not show up. Been there, done that....just tell them that daddy is sick and when he gets well he will try to be with them more often. If he has court ordered phone calls, then at this point you probably can not refuse to let him talk but under no circumstances should you not follow the court orders to the T. You have enabled him long enough and his disease is still taking control over all other aspects of his life. Hopefully he will realize some day what he is losing and shape up.

Until then jay, you have worked hard to be a good mom and provide a home for your kids without any help from him. Now take care of you and the kids...Hugs to my Birdddeeee girl and Noah!

I will keep you in my prayers. I miss you much and am living one day at a time here but surviving!

[hagatha]

Jay,

You have already been given the best advice from the greatest people. The only thing I would add is to make him accountable for his actions.  And the reason is your kids are learning how to be adults more by your actions then by his. You have to show them by example what is and isn't acceptable behavior.  While at the same time (in time) having them understand the addictions their Daddy has. Explaining the behavior pattern is Not the same as excusing it.  

You know all this already, but sometimes hearing it again puts everything back in focus. And we are always here when you need us....

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!

[jaylind]

Thanks everyone.  :)

I'm going to just wait and see what his actions are.  Already yesterday I got a nutty letter from him saying when he gets outta jail he wants to move to my town so he can be close to the kids and *I* can help him.  LOL!  NOT!!!

Anyway.  If he calls, I'll just tell him to call the supervised visitation center near me and see if he can set something up.  If that falls through, too bad.  This is what I had wanted to do, I just needed to hear from some old friends that it was OK to do.  

There is nothing covering phonecalls in the court order.  What I quoted in my OP is what's in there.  I think that for now, phonecalls are off.  I'm not sure what else to do about that.  Already it's been a couple weeks since he's talked to the kids.  Noah doesn't want to talk to him on the phone usually anyway and Bird has stopped asking because I always tell her I can't get hold of him because his cell phone's not working (that is true, BTW).

*sigh* What a pain in the ass this has become.

KND, I'm emailing you right away.  If anyone else wants to email me, the costumesplash at hotmail dot com address still works.

jaylind

[Peanutsdad]

Look at it this way jaylind,,

At least the kids have one parent without their addictive head up their collective butt.

From you, they will learn how to be responsible adults ;)