I have another question...

[Lunarbunny]

I recently posted a question about our 730 evaluation and now we have a new dilemma.  

While SD was over this last weekend, she stated that BM's boyfriend is her dad now and that her BD is not.  She stated that she was told that she 'had' to call BM's boyfriend Dad.  She also came over in pants so large that they actually fell down to her ankles when she wasn't holding them up with her hand.  We purchased 2 belts for a couple of months ago when the same thing had happened.  SD told us that her pants fell all the way down to her ankles 2 times this last week while she was in the cafeteria getting her lunch.  She had to hold the tray so she couldn't hold up her pants.  She just turned 7.

Question:  The evaluation is not due to be complete for about 3 weeks.  We are thinking about sending a letter to the evaluator to address these issues so that he can take them into consideration.  Do you think that this acceptable or does it look like badgering??? We are highly concerned about parental alienation and neglect.

[catherine]

I don't think that either issue is worth it.  The "Dad" one you can't prove but I think it's your duty to try and explain it to your SD.  My youngest SS (he's 6) still gets confused over the whole biological thing and trying to understand who is related to whom.  The clothes one - all they would have to do it produce the belts and voila, it's no longer an issue.  BTW, what did happen to her belts?  You can also show her the trick of rolling the waist of the pants down overtop the zipper or whatever in order to keep them up.  

[Kitty C.]

Forcing her to say something that she KNOWS isn't true, plus neglecting her needs so badly that it has serious social repercussions for her (did she also tell you about how all the kids laughed at her?) and hammers at her self-esteem is NOT badgering, in my book.  Plus, it sounds like she's got PLENTY of witnesses on that occasion.

Unless someone else has some other reason to believe otherwise, I see no reason why you shouldn't write that letter.  In fact, not writing it can also be seen as condoning the situation, which it is obvious that you do NOT!

[catherine]

One thing the evalulator looks for is spitefulness in the parents.  The calling the BF Dad thing is hearsay and of course they will all deny it.  The pants being too loose - even my 6 yr old sson knows when he needs to put on his belt because he is very skinny.  I just can't buy those being valid issues.

Now if the kid was unwashed for days, had lice constantly, had rotten teeth or something, I could see that being a serious case of neglect.

Maybe the Dad comment could be handled by the Father writing a letter to the BM telling her that he is concerned about it and he requests it to stop and CC'ing the evalutor?

[Lunarbunny]

Thanks Kitty.  It just seems to keep getting worse for the poor girl.  She's angry, hurt, confused, and obviously being neglected.  It's hard to know what to do to help.

[Lunarbunny]

This has nothing to do with spitefulness.  She does ALWAYS comes over unwashed and her hair is ALWAYS unbrushed and she does have untreated cavities.  BD has written letters to the BM about these types of issues.  The result has been that the BM denies BD his next scheduled visitation as punishment.

[catherine]

I am not saying you are being spiteful.  Both issues are distressing to you (and would be to me too), but in the overall picture they aren't enough to make a custody determination.

[Kitty C.]

And I would think that the child mentioned in this situation would have rather worn a belt than be humiliated in school with her pants falling down.  Children do NOT like to draw that kind of attention to themselves...no wonder the poor child is angry, hurt, and confused.  So I'm sure that if she'd had a belt available, she would have worn it.  This is a no-brainer and as a mandatory reporter, if I had be on that school faculty and seen that happen, I would have reported the mother for neglect, emotional AND physical.

[Lunarbunny]

No offense taken.  I know that you aren't saying that I am being spiteful.  These are not isolated incidents.  It is just additional information for the evaluator to reinforce what he already has been told and continue to show a pattern that is getting worse.

We would also be including a copy of the most recent correspondence in which the BM demands more money for additional childcare costs while refusing to allow BD take care of her while SD is 'off track'.  

[Bolivar]

Post the letter here

Go ahead and write the letter, and post it here.

We will review it, and then perhaps we could vote on whether you should send it.  Make sure you write it in a natural scientific way.  Remember,, just the facts. :-)

Even if you do NOT send the letter, just writing the facts down will document them for latter use.

Think about it.  Just trying to help. :-)