Joint custody??? Not a good route for the kids?

[gemini3]

Usually first right of refusal applies to child care providers, and the court will not view your ex's partner as a child care provider.  Just as they wouldn't view your significant other as a child care provider.  Your ex-husband can assign someone to take her to and/or from school.  You will have a very hard time getting the court to say otherwise.  Listening to lawyers isn't always the best thing - they know they get a check every time you and your ex go back to court over something, so they don't usually suggest you try and work it out another way.

I went through this when my husband and I started getting serious and I started spending time around the children.  His ex would withold visitation because she didn't want the kids around me.  After we were engaged she refused to let me pick the children up if my husband had to work late, etc.  She went on and on about not "trusting me" with the children, that they "barely knew" me, etc.  They went back to court over it, and the judge sided with my husband.  We've been together more than 3 years now, and she still has issues with me.  When my husband was deployed she didn't want the kids to see me.  The judge changed the visitation order so that it explicitly says they still come for weekend visiation, even if their father is deployed.  Why?  Because the courts realize that it's important for the kids to form healthy relationships with their step-parents.

The problems your daughter is having adjusting to her dad's new situation has a lot to do with how you handle it, and you don't seem to be handling it very well.  When children dislike someone without being able to articulate why it's usually because they just think they're supposed to (because an adult does), and they haven't really thought it through on their own.  Having a new step-parent is difficult to adjust to, and then having a baby thrown into the mix makes it harder.  She's had to deal with it for both parents, and she may be feeling a little lost in the mix.  Instead of fighting with each other, you should work with your ex to make sure that she feels secure in being part of her new blended families.  Supporting her relationship with her new family members will go a long way in that.  You may feel like you're defending your daughter, but unless the your ex's girlfriend is unfit in some way, you're really not doing her any favors.

[MomofTwo]

I think the last poster gave you some great advice...not saying it is, but it sounds like the real problem is YOUR issues with your ex moving on and having a new girlfriend and baby, not your childs feelings about it.   He is right, you do need to get over it.  He is allowed to have someone else watch your child, unless you have right of first refusal COURT ordered. Quite honestly, it doesn't matter two cents what an attorney tells you unless he is reading your court order and providing you guidance based on the actual order.

Right of first refusal is not something you get unless it is court ordered...you need to check your court orders and see if it is in there....if it is not, you do not have that right, and generally it pertains to a period of time greater than xx amount of hours, not every time the other parent needs to run to the grocery store, etc... and regarding school, unless it says again that you have that right to take her, if it is his time, he has the right and obligation to get her to school whether it is him taking her or his girlfriend.  Your bigger concern would be if they weren't taking her to school at all.

If you don't know your exes girlfriend, maybe as an investment to your childs emotional well being, you need to make the first move and encourage a meeting or lunch to get to know her.  She is not going to replace you in any way in your childs mind or heart.  For your childs sake, get to know her and work together.   I have been in your position and on the other side as well...quite honestly, it gives me peace of mind knowing there is someone who is there with my ex willing to help out and be kind to my children.   

[christa00]

  I have tried to get to know my ex's girlfriend, she is very bitter and cold when it comes to me. I don't want to sound vain in any way but it is all appearance oriented! She is a big girl with a poor attitude, and I am thin with a better attitude. She gets upset if me and my x discuss our daughter, so all that has stopped. She goes into court with my ex and is always turned out, yet she always wants to comment. I have told her this is not her battle and yet she continues on her evil path. The issue with her watching our child is more of a respect issue. In the past if I had to go anywhere without my child I would call her father to see if he was available and he did the same with me. He never wanted me to leave her with my husband because he was available. Now I feel like I am being slapped in the face for being nice. What the hell more can I do?? We did a custody order around his schedule, weekends around girlfriends daughter's visits, I mean I am at the point where I just wanna say screw it! I am so stressed out over all this, when do we as parents put our children first and our needs second?

[gemini3]

Maybe her issue with you is that you think you're somehow better than her because you're thin and she isn't.  Jeez!  Shallow much?

[christa00]

 First I am not shallow. But that is the issue...appearance. Seems she thinks my ex may want be back! Crazy but true. i do not even want him I am remarried and happy. None the less the emergency relief order went through, and because he is in contempt he is responsible for my lawyer fees. HA!

[teacher98]

 Seems a bit immature in my opinion.  If the child were being put first, Christa, you would be encouraging her to try to form a relationship with the mother of her new sibling and potential new step-mother. Also, if the child were being put first, don't you think it would be much easier to just let her go to and from school in the same home without having to do all of that switching around?  I would hate to think that my fiance's son would have to go home to Mom's before he could come home to Dad's when he went to school from Dad's house just because his father wouldn't be home for 2 or 3 hours.  This is his home just as much as it is mine.  Your situation seems to be more about you than your daughter. She is going to have to live in two homes until she is on her own and it would be in her and your best interest to only choose the big battles (like others have already said) and let her learn to accommodate and adjust to the rest of the "inconveniences" that this type of schedule has. Life is constantly changing, whether parents are married or apart,  and for adults with or without kids.  These can be good life lessons for her and you can be the one to set a strong, mature, womanly example in her life, or you can show her to take an alternative route. Deal with the medical issues and leave the rest alone for the sake of your daughter.

[ocean]

What was ordered under the emergency relief?

[christa00]

  The new order states that girlfriend is not to have unsupervised contact until evaluations are completed. My ex was also found in contempt because he did not inform me of daycare changes and tried to cover up he was trying to get girlfriend on emergency contact sheets at school.  There are alot of lies surrounding this custody battle. Somedays I wanna give up because it is very hard to catch a liar, so far I have but it costs alot of time and money As far as some thinking this is about me and not my child..... I have to listen and take in what my daughter tells me, I have gone to her father with what she says, he becomes very confrontational and angry which is odd to me. I wonder why he would get this way. He has gone in and talked to her therapist to try and sway her more in his favor which is just weird. I could sit here and write a book with everything that has happened in less than a year.

[gemini3]

I find it unusual that the courts would recommend something like that unless there were allegations of some kind of abuse.  You didn't mention any such allegations in your post.  Were they part of your emergency order?

[christa00]

  True I didn't. I am not alleging abuse, maybe mental abuse but not used for this. Reason was that I am available 100% of the time and our daughter is in therapy for issues with myex's girlfriend. What issues I or I should say we have no idea.  Hopefully we will find out through getting the evals. Plus this is what we have always done in the past before girlfriend entered the picture. Status quo senerio I guess. Plus it's what my daughter wants. i know kids don't really have a say in court but I think being in therapy weighs heavily with a judge.