My EX has not seen our son for over two years, help!!!!

[ksmarks]

It certainly sounds like the Supervisor is going to submit a report, so you might want to check with your counsel to see if you should be saying anything.

My initial concern is this: you meet with a person in a room that certainly is not as intimidating as sitting on the witness stand, and you think this person is working for you... you get emotional and things can go south in a hurry.

The Supervisor most likely is required to document your interactions as well as mom's, this would include your conversation with the Supervisor as well as  her impression regarding your body language while you were talking to her.  Add to that, she is going to document where your child was, and how you interacted while the child was around, not just you,  but also around the Supervisor in your pressence, as well as how you acted or interacted  with  his mother.

It has been my experience that you don't have to help anyone other than your attorney see what a witch she might be, it is really what you are paying him/her for.

As Always, best wishes!

K

[grtdaddy]

well yes the mother is having reports made, i get a copies of everything. i guess to shopw that our child visits okay with her could be the best they could hope for. she tried getting into details, like i stated but when i talked to my lawyer they told me her job is just to supervise the visit. she has no recommendation or insight for the court. the counselor we are seeing does and that is confidential. I did tell her my concerns from the past and expressed ijust want our child safe and for it to be  ahappy time. when i told her crying just before a visit is over is not a happy time she tried to explain it's okay to do so. while the court triage agreed with me saying leaving out sad emotions on visits. that is a tactic in my opinion and the visits should be fun, safe and a happy time. the mother FAILED to call on one of her call nights which i documented and just as before there is our son right in the middle. the visitation lady did state there would be no way of her getting custody i', not sure why she said that, but then again i'm not sure why she told paying for a lawyer is a waste of money when i am trying to protect my child. also how can eye witness testimony be hearsay ot not allowed if by friends or a family memember? my lawyer disagreed again, and in fact sent all of the declarations to the mediator last week to give them plenty of time to read through them. She has yet to file any, while the only ones she could possible get would be a friend giving an opinion of what kind of mother she is, which if it's a good one is complete hogwash.

it's painful but i know there will be a visitation schedule set up, her responce to my filings were to give me sole physical custody with joint legal and a set visitation schedule. when i talked to her and she said she would take everyother weekend and half summmers nd then in a couple years try for 50/50. as my feelings are now i don't think 50/50 is a good option at all because we do not get along. if i get a judgement of sole physical how hard would it be for her to change it to say 50/50 later?

[Kitty C.]

There is that possibility that the supervisor only said you don't need an atty. only because she also thinks it's an open-and-shut case.  If she didn't elaborate on why she said that, all you have is speculation.  So you either ask her point blank why she said it before or wait and see if she says it again and then ask her to clarify herself.

Also understand that if your son is sad or crying at the end of the visits, he may realize that he has no idea when he will see her next (given her penchant for not having continuity in his life) and that is what makes him sad.  My DS flew UAM for 10 years for trips to see his dad in CA and he cried every time he left either one of us.  The only thing that would have prevented that is for his dad and I to get back together and that wasn't happening!  This is just something that comes with the territory when a child has to go back and forth between parents.

[grtdaddy]

hi kitty,

let me reword, the crying is not done by our son its mom that does it which i think is unhealthy when you want to get re introduced to a 7 year old. and sombody that is supervising visitations really is not supposed to have any input in a case they know nothing about. Just to make sure the visit is a safe and healthy one. our son has a counselor as well as myself with credentials all i expect from a supervisor is a impartial supervisor keeping the visit a good one. my lawyer laughed when i told him she said her opinion holds weight in court. thanks again for the reply. and is sole physical custody hard to change?

[Kitty C.]

Oh, well if it's BM doing the crying, that's a whole other ball game!  Yes, it is unhealthy for your son, but you have to remember that you have absolutely NO control as to how people act.  And yes, it is possible that it could go against her in court.  Also remember that the supervisor's job is to observe and report.  They can have no influence on the visitation unless absolutely required in an emergency (like a parent trying to abscond with the child or threatening physical harm).  Otherwise, their job is just to sit there and watch...they can't tell BM that she shouldn't cry in front of her son, that's not their job and they aren't qualified to go there.

The supervisor's observations may have weight in court, depending on if the judge feels the interactions described by her are detrimental to the child.  But that's the only way I could see that her statements would have any effect.

As for changing sole physical custody, one aspect the courts look seriously at is 'status quo'.  They are VERY hesitant in making any radical changes to custody for the sake of the child and would prefer to maintain what the child is currently accustomed to.  Which is why you have such an excellent chance of keeping the custody you currently have.  As for changing it in the future (and given the BM's record and history), I think that it would come down to the BM proving to the court that she is capable of co-parenting her child.  But that is a determination that only the court can make. 

Just make sure that if the court is leaning towards allowing the BM more time, make DAMN sure that it is graduated over a long period of time.  Another poster mentioned counting the number of visits, which I think is a much better idea than giving a range of time.  I would also recommend she participate in counseling (and splitting the costs) and maybe even parenting classes.  Bottom line:  get stipulations in place that she has to follow in order to prove herself and work her way up.  And sanctions against her if she screws up (loss of time, for example).

[grtdaddy]

thank you Kitty,

my Lawyer says i have an excellent chance at sole physical custody or even sole custody for that matter. he said she has abandoned our son and over two years of no contact is the major ordeal. She has to prove herself stable, and mentally capable which is why he thinks this is an easy case. the mother seems to think getting old friends that do not know me or my son will help her case and will defend the eye witness testimony of neglect and abuse when she was in the picture. Do not forget i have digital telephone with the same number and she called two times in two years. i absolutely begged her to send him letters gifts, pictures just anything but she chose not too. and it the worst thing about this is after all this time she decides she is mom and trying to scare me into accepting joint custody and shared parenting.

I think i should fight to end for a long gradual step up program to graduate into a visitation schedule at the very best. any thoughts on this? please remember this woman was hospitalized for suicide before we were able to get away from the anguish and abuse. I feel so much for our son, i have not poisoned him and i fear she would do that very thing.

[grtdaddy]

also note i have his school teachers declaration and is willing to take the stand on his progress which was "significant academically and socially progress", and said i was at every school function and a great father. his report card is great, he is so stable i can't help but have fear for our son loosing his progress. This is why i appreciate all your support, believe it or not it helps me stay strong.

[Kitty C.]

I completely agree with a graduated step-up program, and given her history, hopefully make that stretch out over a couple years, BUT still base it on number of visits.  One other thing I would strongly recommend:  she get periodic psych. evals. and if she fails to do so, visitation is suspended until she does it and gets a good report (follows all recommendations).  AND she has to pay for it all herself.  One way or another, force her into proving herself worthy to be a parent.

She will pitch a fit and might refuse to agree to this, but your back-up is if she's so intent on sharing custody, it would seem obvious to you that she would want to do everything possible (given her history) to be a good parent.  Puts her on the spot and will tell you a lot as to how serious she really is.  If she adamantly refuses, it's highly likely she will agree to maintain the supervised visits.  Also make sure it is known that your position will not waiver on this, not now or in the future.  Five years from now if she tries this again, the stipulations should still be the same.

Throw the ball back into her court........if she truly wants to do this, this is how she proves it and if she's serious, she'll agree.  If you get nothing but flak, then you'll know where she's coming from.

Just my 2 cents worth......

[grtdaddy]

thank you Kitty, you have ALOT of knowledge. would you or anyone happen to have experienc in mediation in california? I know i will stay firm on what i believe is in our sons best intrest but i want to know what im facing. I am ready to fight to the end, and even the mothers foster parents are willing to testify and wrote declarations on her anger problems and refusing to ever deal with it.

[grtdaddy]

also anotherupdate. the mother has failed to call twice now in the last week on her scheduled call days. it's documented but i sure hope you can understand how serious she is in building a relationship with our child. gosh i am just stunned she is showing herself so fast. her big thing is trying to get ME, all of this has absolutley nothing to do with our precious little boy. he can count on daddy though, i will stand up and fight for his right of stability and continuity. TO THE END!!!