NEED HELP ASAP!! SHOULD I TAKE THE DEAL?

[GADAD2004]

Hi,
My goodness, I don't know where to even start with this whole mess.  I am a father of two beautiful little girls 2 & 4.  My ex (not married to) and I lived together for years.  We lived in GA, she went to visit family in NJ with my kids and never came back, left everything here!  I went up there for months to work things out.  I was even willing to move there with them.  I found out a lot of things she was doing.  I got fed up and left and came back to GA to file for custody of the kids.

To anyone who is starting out, this process TAKES FOREVER!! And it is like toture!  I never knew how much a Bio-Father doesn't have rights to.  It has been 5 months since I have seen my little girls.  For 1 month I had ZERO contact with them!  She just kept delaying the process, just because she could.

We just went to medation and it was more like a car sales meeting then working things out.  I'm told that even with my evidence I only have a 40% chance of winning?

I have a job, a home that has THEIR ROOMS in it, a nice yard in a good community.  She has moved them to her mothers home, working as a crossing guard, making less then $300 a month, shoved her and my two kids in 1 room (12x10), and at best the house should be condemed!  Even with all that, not including the sex things I have found out, I still am being told by my lawer that I only have a 40% chance!  I don't get it. 

The deal, I'm told by my lawyer, is a good one.  But for me I just don't think it is becuase it isn't enough time!  I'm going to miss out on so much (parent teacher confrences, little leagues, dances, etc.) and that is killing me.  I'm very angry with mom because of what she has done.  My 4 yr old keeps asking me when she is coming back to GA.  I want to have an answer but I just don't know. 

At medation, I asked for time to think about what the deal was ( 8 weeks in the summer, every other holiday, 1 break(fall, spring), every other weekend).  I just don't think its enough.  I want to fight but I don't want to lose.  I'm thinking I may have to move to NJ but really don't want to.  I just can't see why I would not be given primary custody of the childern.  I just don't want to say later "what if".  Am I wrong?  I feel i'm doing what is best for the kids and she is just being selfish.  I seem to be always hitting a wall that I have to jump over or through. 

Should I take the deal?  Should I fight?  PEOPLE I NEED HELP!!!
Thanks
LOVING AND MISSING MY KIDS DAD IN GA

[brwneyedmom]

How will you see your children every other weekend if they are in NJ and you are in GA?  Who will pay for the transportation?  She should, as she was the one who moved BUT how can she afford it on $300/month income?  Sounds like you got the standard long distance plan without much individual thought put into it by the mediator.  Look at the parenting plans here on this site and see if you can work out something better that fits your individual circumstances.  Your children will soon be in school and want to do activities.  How will you handle a birthday party or dance recital on your weekend?  What if a parent loses a job and cannot pay for the plane tickets any longer? 
There's lots to think about.  Without any pride, my divorce in 1997 was one of the worst in the county and our file is the thickest due to constant filings by my ex.  The damage done to our son was horrific.  I wish that I could go back in time with what I have learned and undo all the fighting in some way. 
There are ways to do this even if she is a jerk.  Or if you are.  Or even if both of you aren't.  I won't make any assumptions.  Shalom to you and your family.

[GADAD2004]

Hi Thanks so much for the info.  Believe me, I have been racking my brains about a lot of what you just said.  Birthdays and so forth are very important to me.  I've been thinking about a couter offer to her so we can settle this and move on.  Half way drives, long weekends, being there for each birthday, and more.  I don't think what I would ask for is out of the norm, but you don't know until you ask, right?  Going to court is something I don't want to do, but am willing to at this time.  Even a fighters chance is better then no chance.  I don't think she thought at all about what the offer really was, but at least I am.  I'm glad I was smart enought to say "I need some time" and all parties agreed to that.  Now that I am not in the pressure cooker, I can think more clearly about what needs to be done to benift my kids.  Even if that means I have to move closer to them. UG!

[ocean]

Until they are school age you can do one week you, one week her (or two weeks you , two weeks her).
I dont understand either how you would do every other weekend with the distance involved.
This is the standard amount of time so she is not really giving you anything...
If you moved to NJ then you would get a day during the week added but prob less in the summer on paper (of course you would be able to go their school stuff more).

Up to you...Since what they are offering is what most courts would give you, maybe take your changes with court.

You could do the one week on thing and then say you will come back when oldest child goes to kindergarten to determine the school she will go to. (see if mom has a better job or if she can move them to a better house).

[Kalkir]

It is not just the first order that is at stake here, it is the future court actions you should consider.  The practicality of frequent visits over that distance is very low, and as soon as she gets tired of the hassle, she will be asking to modify.  And then she will have the intervening year or two as the status quo primary custodian to give her opinion a lot o weight in the court's view.  So you should look at what you want as a practical solution that shows you to the courts, and eventually to your daughters when they are old enough to have perspective, to be a reasonable person willing to make major changes in your life to be involved in your children's lives.

Or decide that you will become a mostly absent parent as determined by the forces that have come to play in your lives.  IF she would agree to 50-50 if you moved into NJ, then take it in my opinion.  Her attorney will probably counsel her against it due to the impact that such a schedule will have on support. 

It is up to you; but I think long distance custodial situationsa re very hard to adjust to.  So far, I have been spared that.  Good luck, and keep your spirits up. 

[GADAD2004]

Hi all!
Thanks so much for the input.  Its weird that you are saying it is what the courts usually offer because I'm being told by my lawyer that this is such a good deal?!?!?!  I THINK IT STINKS!! I want to fight it and see where it goes from there, but I'm afraid of what it will do to my kids.  I want to sheild them as much as I can from the fallout.  It is getting ugly for no reason.  I feel that I have tried to pull back more and not be as agressive because of that.  But she is being VERY agressive.  I'm not sure if I should sweeten the deal or say I'll move up there for the 50/50.  Or if I should fight and maybe win the whole thing.  VERY HARD, I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE!! I'm fearful of what this will do to my children.  Does anyone recommend a support group I can talk with? 

THANK YOU ALL
GA DADDY HURTING..... A LOT!

[shooter]

I have a ?  Why was she allowed to take them out of state?

[Momfortwo]

Since it has been months since she moved to NJ and you didn't file to have her bring the kids back at the time she moved, fighting the relocation is probably not going to be successful.   

And the every other week-end schedule isn't going to work, either.  And neither is the week on week off, especially with their ages and the distance.  And the long-distance parenting plan stinks for that age group, too.   

If it is possible, moving closer to them will allow you to be more involved in their lives.   And if you do move, be sure to include a move away clause in any parenting plan that the two of you agree.  You don't want to go through this again.   

[ocean]

yes, I agree. He did not fight the move away right away. He went to her for a while first so he cant really fight that part. He is fighting for custody now...hard but really he is not getting a deal with this.

If you do agree to this, you can add a lot more and be very specific in everything. She should pay because of the move for travel costs or get a reduction in child support for him to make the trips and later on airline fares.

[GADAD2004]

After talking with my lawyer, I was told that I could not try and have her bring the kids back because we were not married.  I filed in GA under their guide lines of 6 months.  I don't think the deal is good either.  I have a lot of stuff on her, but I  was told " will it be enough bullets in court"?  No one knows.  I'm more worried about going into court and not getting as much as I am about anything else.  I have done nothing wrong to her or my children....ever!  I took them on vacations, fed them, gave them baths, took them to school, and much more!  I don't know why she left, she has never said.  Her lack of communication got us into this mess.  I'm now worried that her lack of communication will continue and she will not tell me stuff about the kids (medical, school, problems, or moving!).  Thanks for all your help, keep the stuff coming!