Custody schedule questions...

[Moto450]

Ok, so I am getting divorced. I have two boys, 5& 6. I need to know what to do to work out a schedule. We aretrying to keep the lawyers out of this as much as possible.


I live in CA.

How do you do weekends, holidays, vacations, etc.

Rightnow she is saying she wants 80/20 but I would still be allowed to takethem to school, karate, do homework with them after school, etc. Iwould also get them every weekend. If I am doing all of this, I want50/50 if that's possible.

For vacations, she would work withme but would only allow me to take them certain places. Such as "Iwould never allow you to take them out of state to go see your parents."

Whatabout holidays? She wants them every holiday. What if I want to go tomy parents for the holiday which would require about a week since theyare out of state?

Please be detailed as possible.  Any help would be great, thanks!

[grtdaddy]

this one is easy. hire a lawyer or your going to get the shaft.

[ocean]

Try to get a copy of what California usually gives....then give it to her OR tell her to go to a lawyer for a consult because this is NOT what a judge would order. Look on this website for parenting plans..

Are you in the same school district? If you are, you should be asking for one week on , one week off. If you are not in the same school district then every other weekend, one or two days during the week after school.

Holidays are split every other year. Remember to include the school vacations that are attached to each holiday. Birthdays? You should also get at least 3 weeks in the summer straight.

You parenting time is yours. She can not tell you, you cant go out of state with them or where they can and cant go. A lawyer or mediator will tell her that. You can try a mediator but you have to be ready with more than you want so you can negotiate. If she is dead set on what you said, then file for a custody and parenting plan in family court.
Once you get to court a schedule will be set and you wont need her permission any longer...My advice is get is as detailed as possible. Where are the pick-ups , or drives, what if there is not school on that day, exact times, summer visit dates/time (ex. Father will pick up children the day after school lets out at 5pm through July 30th at 5pm". Get their school calendar on-line and look at all holidays...

Good luck!

[Momfortwo]

Ok, so I am getting divorced. I have two boys, 5& 6. I need to know what to do to work out a schedule. We aretrying to keep the lawyers out of this as much as possible.


I live in CA.

How do you do weekends, holidays, vacations, etc.

Rightnow she is saying she wants 80/20 but I would still be allowed to takethem to school, karate, do homework with them after school, etc. Iwould also get them every weekend. If I am doing all of this, I want50/50 if that's possible.

Your reply to her is:  Okay, I'm kind of surprised that you would only want to see them 20%of the time, but I will accept that.

Based on what you have posted, you seem to be more available to actually care for the kids. 

You aren't going to be able to keep lawyers out of this. 

Second, she doesn't get to tell you that you can't take your children out of state.  She can request (and probably will get) an itenary with contact info, but that's it and you can request that she does the same.  You would need her written permission to take the kids out of the country (just as she would need your written permission to do so, as well).

[MixedBag]

My EX#2 also wanted a clause that said I can't take them out of state -- which made absolutely no sense.

1.  my parents live several states away so that would automatically mean no grandma and grandpa on my side.

2.  the state line is about 30 miles north on the interstate, so that means no trips to the nearest large major city.

3.  and my family beyond my parents live overseas and I've taken him there to meet them, so even international travel is part of my life.

Translation:  It was an attempt to control me and to eliminate my family from our son's life.

And a very common request from a vindictive parent.

You know, I forgot the part that I was active duty Military at the time of our divorce with 5 years left to go, so essentially, he was asking that I spend all of my time with our son IN STATE and ON LEAVE (limited to 30 days per year) because he knew I wouldn't be able to stay in WV much longer because I completed my 4-year controlled tour and was on my 5th which made me very vulnerable for an overseas short tour (no children allowed).

Had to come back and add that.

A very common subject that is seen here on the boards -- so don't feel like you're the only one facing it.

[gemini3]

Ok, so I am getting divorced. I have two boys, 5& 6. I need to know what to do to work out a schedule. We are trying to keep the lawyers out of this as much as possible.

If you can keep the lawyers out of it great, but I think that you might find that not complying with her 80/20 and getting the kids at other times (of her discretion it sounds like - huge red flag) will mean that lawyers will be necessary. 

How do you do weekends, holidays, vacations, etc.

There are some very good parenting plans available on this site.  My recommendation is that you be as detailed as possible.  You want to be specific on days and times.  Don't just say "weekend".  Say, for example, "from Friday at 6 pm until Sunday at 6 pm", and always include "and at other such times as agreed to by both parties".  This way there isn't any fighting.  You both know the days and times and, if you are able to be flexible and cooperative with each other, great - otherwise it's already decided.  My husbands visitation was very vague (just said "weekend") and there was weekly bickering about what time and how many hours a weekend consisted of, etc.  Better to start out with it all decided.

Rightnow she is saying she wants 80/20 but I would still be allowed to takethem to school, karate, do homework with them after school, etc. Iwould also get them every weekend. If I am doing all of this, I want50/50 if that's possible.

I don't see any reason why you should accept anything less than 50/50 unless a judge tells you no.  Ask for 50/50 joint legal and physical custody.  Don't buy into the "Oh, I want 80% custody, but I'll still let you have them more than that."  If she will let you have them more than that why does she want 80%?  Because she wants control of the kids (and therefore YOU), and/or she wants the child support money that comes with 80% custody.  Which, by the way, you will have to pay while still providing a home for the kids while they are with you. 

Get 50/50 written in an order, not a verbal agreement.

For vacations, she would work with me but would only allow me to take them certain places. Such as "Iwould never allow you to take them out of state to go see your parents."

Again, "working with you" means controlling you.  That means if you don't do what she wants, or if she gets mad because she doesn't like your new girlfriend, you won't get vacation.  She cannot tell you what you can and can't do with your parenting time, and the fact that she is already trying to is a HUGE red flag.

Whatabout holidays? She wants them every holiday. What if I want to go tomy parents for the holiday which would require about a week since theyare out of state?

Why should she have every holiday?  Don't the kids have the right to spend holidays with both thier parents?  You should split the holidays, and no judge is going to tell you that you can't take your kids to see your parents for a holiday.  In fact, most recognize the importance of family holidays and traditions.  Do not agree to this.

One more thing - if you can get her to agree to a support amount as part of the agreement you are much better off than letting the state determine it.  In most states this supercedes the state calculations.

You came to the right place.  Good luck - and remember that unless she's willing to put it in writing for a judge to sign off on she doesn't mean it.