MySpace 9 as 19

[Kitty C.]

Oh! I agree with both of you. I didn't mean for them to let it slide and only deal with the kids...I just think it is super important for the children to know that despite they are doing this with Mom's blessing, you will be parents and do what you need to to ensure their safety.

Absolutely have this conversation when they come home, have them sign on, contact MySpace...do all of those things others said, it's all great advice.  But, don't let them pit you against Mom either, they need to know your structure has long reaching arms.

I agree with you 100%, MomofTwo!

[lucky]

In our case, my sd made her account.  I "hacked" into it (dh had custody) and cancelled it myself.  Was that legal?  I don't know, she was 14 saying she was older and put her full name, city & state out there - and she has an unusual name.  Actually I did that more than once to her.  Did it once to my own daughter too. 

On the other hand, mom will probably recreate the accounts so that you can't find them anymore.

[Davy]

"That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction."

This is what was posted about what I had posted which was really an unwarranted personal attack on me.  In no way was there an insinuation of anybody lacking proper parenting skills. 

It should have been viewed as valuable experience and an encouragement to the parents instead of how it was being painted or manipulated.

What I didn't say is if it were me I would try to coach the chldren so that they no longer wanted to use the internet in that fashion and to take the responsibility to delete the accounts themselves.  No one else to blame for their behavior ... not MYSpace or mom or dad or anybody else.

I would have naturally seen it as an opportunity to begin setting forth a behavior pattern where they are responsible and accountable for their own behavior and then I would monitor their behavior and attitudes then make adjustments as need be rewarding succcess with love pats and kisses.

This was my best efforts as a parent and is not critical of any other parental actions or advice.

[Momfortwo]

The most you can do is contact myspace and let them know that the ages are incorrect and see if that can be corrected. 

There isn't anything you can do to enforce your rules at the mother's house, though.  If she lets them on Myspace, there is nothing you can do about without a court order. 
And I don't think that a judge would look kindly upon one parent trying to force their rules in the other parent's house. 

The father needs to talk to the kids about internet safety.  I talk to my 9 year and 7 year old about it.  I monitor what websites they can go on.  But there's nothing I can do about where they go to on the internet when they are with their Dad.  His house, his rules.  My house, my rules. 

[Davy]

Thanks for your response.

Personally, I wouldn't turnover the welfare and child rearing to whatever action Myspace might want to take.

My coaching would not be about moms house/dads house or enforcing rules any where.

It would be entirely focused based on the well-being of the child and my ego and mom's ego would be completely removed from the communication.

Like in my original example when I explained to my son why he may want to groom his long hair, keep it clean, and remove his ear ings.  No demands just why he should consider it.
Convincingly.  There is nothing wrong with that technique in fact it builds character and to expect of himself to do the right things and to take care of himself.  Structure and discipline is part of the training program.

When he got older it was easy to say Ok you know better than to drink and drive and YOU know when it is appropriate to come home ... just be at ease and do not try to beat the clock to get home and wrap yourself around a telephone pole.   Funny how there was never a problem except for when girls were involved.

[Momfortwo]

Thanks for your response.

Personally, I wouldn't turnover the welfare and child rearing to whatever action Myspace might want to take.

My coaching would not be about moms house/dads house or enforcing rules any where.

It would be entirely focused based on the well-being of the child and my ego and mom's ego would be completely removed from the communication.

Still doesn't change the fact that the father can't enforce his rules at her house, only at his house. 

If the mother lets the child on myspace or other internet sites at her house, there isn't anything that the father can do about it. 

[Davy]

I just don't know how many different ways this can be said.

One can train the child NOT to want to be on Myspace and it won't matter what anybody else wants to do.

No court order is needed.   The court can kiss off and so can any and every evil doer.

This is what I did or tried to do for my children's own protection.

[ocean]

My space is a "cool" thing especially for the younger kids because they hear about it from the older ones. Many parents allow younger children on there. I hear it from my kids all the time but they know they are not allowed yet. If they went to another parent on the weekend and they allowed them and said it was okay, I am sure they would jump at the opportunity because it is their parent saying it is okay and that they will watch them. Some kids have step-siblings at the other house that have accounts and then are asked to make one. It is hard to ask a child to say no to any parent. If it was a friend's house it would be different but this is their mother who is parenting them too but in a different way...

[Mom1Step2]

Update:

DH asked to be allowed to monitor the accounts as well and was denyed by BM.  This is when she told them not to sign on at our house (so we couldnt hack).

DH called MySpace yesterday and was told that without a court order they could do nothing.  If BM approved it and is watching it, it is allowed.  They said they would delete the account if he insisted, but there is nothing in place to stop it from happening again.  DH's concern here was that then he would have no idea what was going on because he might not be able to find the new accounts.

DH is going to approach from a few different angles now:

He is thinking of creating his own account and sending a "friend request" and see if it is honored.  Then he at least can see the pages even if he cant control them.  We have a feeling the "friend request" will be denied though.

Another thing he is thinking of is to find out how to get a court order or something to allow him access to the account without her permission.  He was thinking of calling the district attorney's office to get information.  Not sure how this will pan out either.

As for internet safety, we always enforce and explain to the kids.  They know what is expected of them at our house and what is acceptable.  However, when they are with BM they are allowed to do anything, sometimes it seems even encouraged to do things that are not allowed at our house.

We can tell the kids what we expect of them all day, we can tell them we are disapointed or even punish them for breaking the rules. But if BM is encouraging this behavior, why wouldnt they do it?

BTW Davy, 9 and 12 year olds are a little too old to "train", they are not dogs.  They do have free will, and if that free will is encouraged by an authority figure...

[Kitty C.]

Oh boy..........this situation still gives me the willies.  I wouldn't even be worried about the teenagers and 20-something's..........I'm more concerned about the pedophiles out there who present themselves as kids, convincing the child to meet somewhere, and then she's gone.  I understand MySpace's position....but it doesn't mean I like it.

One other thought.....  IF your local law enforcement has a cyber-investigation division, contact them and ask them how this situation should be handled.  They may be able to give you some ideas or at least point you in the direction you need/should go.  And if for nothing else, they will know that BM is condoning and encouraging it.  What they do with that information is anybody's guess.

I'm always for 3rd party involvement....it's another 'set of eyes' watching the situation that doesn't have an emotional stake in the outcome and has the possible effect of keeping everyone 'honest'.