Moving for better opportunities

[msfabulous89]

my ex husband and i have a 2 year old son together. we do not have any formal court order of who gets him when, we worked it out ourselves that we switch back and forth every week. we have not gotten the divorce yet. however, i have an opportunity to move into a better area, with a job and a better house.

the father has a job currently but only works 20hours a week and can barely pay the bills, in fact has to choose between paying gas or electric this month, and can only pay half at that, not to mention he lives in a dangerous area that has gangs and shootings, ect, he literally lives in the ghetto. granted, i don't have a job. but i have one waiting for me in new mexico as well as a stable home that is also waiting with family members of my boyfriend. i know that in kansas i have to send the father a written notice no less than 30 days before the move to the last known address, but i know he's moved and refuses to give me his new address so i can send it to him. i can still send it to the last known address but i know for a fact that he doesn't live there.

not to mention that i got my son on october first of 2010, and it's now february 4th of 2011 and he's seen his son for a grand total of about 30 minutes. he refuses to come see his son simply because the boyfriend is around, but the boyfriend has been helping to take care of his son for this entire time! i know if i get a temporary full custody paper that i can legally take my son to new mexico to give him a much better life.

however, from what i'm reading if i send the written letter to the last known address and he doesn't respond or appeal since he doesn't live there, does that mean i'm clear to take my son since he wont give me his new address?

any information would be GREATLY appreciated as i've searched for hours online and am not getting any clear answers.

[tigger]

Does the child have extended family members in the current area? 

[ocean]

Are you legally separated?
If not, then legally you are married. You could move, but the father will be able to have all court in his area and he can force you to stay until the trial is over if he pushes for it and many places are not allowing moves when father is around.

Did you try sending an email telling him of the move and a possible parenting plan he will have? You would have to pay for travel costs since you are moving. (airfare or meeting place closer to him).  How far driving are you moving?

I would start with an email and see what his reaction is. If he does not fight it, then you move and you then can file for divorce. If this goes to court, you will have to prove why it is better for the child to move. Your boyfriend and his family will go against you right now... Prove you have a job ready (get confirmation letter from new job stating start date...), make a calendar of the past year of when father has shown up for visits.

I will say that the father should not have ANY interacting with boyfriend regarding child. If they do not get along, exchanges should be done at school/daycare or meet at a neutral parking lot without boyfriend. Sounds like something major happened between them if he was getting child every other week and then stopped. Part of being a custodial parent is helping child have a relationship with father.

Here is a sample email maybe you can use:
Ex,
I wanted to let you know that I plan on moving to XX town in XX(month). I know that past xx months have been rough between us but I want XX to have you in his life. I am willing to have you pick up xx at school or meet at xx for exchanges to limit the contact/communication. After the move, he can still come: (list school vacations, long weekends, most of summer,) and anytime you want to come to XX. I will pay for airfare or meet you in XX(town) for your time. Please let me know by email what you think and send me the dates you would like to have him before the move.
You

Then you will see where his head is. He may go nutty for a few days..so just let phone calls go to voicemail. Only respond to emails with answers and very business like.

[msfabulous89]

Does the child have extended family members in the current area? 

he does, but simply to the extent of his father and grandfather on her side. i have some family here too, but they are not very supportive of me.

[msfabulous89]

ocean:

the reason my son was taken from the father was because the father denied me any sort of visitation for 3 weeks as a 'lesson' because my car broke down on the way to pick up my son and i was going to be about 2 hours late. when i finally got him back, i could count his ribs while he sat and played. he's had scabies, which SRS has documentation of, head lice 3 times, staph infection which the doctors have records of. open, infected, puss filled scabs on his head when i'd get him, i'd send him back to his dads a week later after they had gone away, and when i'd get him back, they'd be back, and i have pictures of these. when i confronted the father of his eating habits, his response was 'i do too feed my son, i give him a bowl of crackers or something every day!' and he'd fill him up on juice, and i have that documented as well as it was through email. the father has not only taken off with my son out of state before without my permission, there by kidnapping him, but also flat out abandoned him about a month after he was born for a few weeks so he could go to another state and sleep with some other women, and i have documentation of all of that as well.

the father doesn't want to be around the boyfriend not because they don't get along, in fact, they get along very well face to face, but because he feels threatened because my boyfriend does more to take care of his son then he does, and he thinks he's going to loose his son because of that, yet he does nothing to change the way he takes care of his son. he constantly bash's me and my boyfriend TO my son, therefore putting the thoughts in his head that mommy and soon to be step dad are no good, ect.

and i'm not sure i'm fully understanding why moving in with my boyfriends family is going to hurt me. if i stay in kansas with my son, i'm going to be staying in a house that is literally falling apart. if he goes to his fathers, he'll be in the ghetto where crime rates, gang violence, and the danger of walking out of the house to get shot are so significantly high that it's insane to ever raise a child there. or, i can go to new mexico where my son will have a huge house to run around that is in great condition, he'll have all the utilities paid for him and more than enough food for him to eat when ever he's hungry!

[ocean]

Family court is another world...

Court wants to know why you should take away child to another state when father lives there. To say you are moving in with your "boyfriend" and his family will not cut it. Just stating facts.

You brought up a lot of health/safety issues for father. How about he only takes him for a weekend instead of the whole week or for a full day and send him with a few snacks. If you move, you will be forced to send him for most of the summer, and long vacations. You need to prove neglect. The courts hear accusations all the time. You need solid proof. Dr. notes stating child has XYZ, Child protective services called on dad ever? If a dr or teacher thinks there is neglect they most call CPS. So if the dr did not, the courts may take that it was not neglect.

Since you are still legally married, the father did not kidnap child. You had no legal rights above the father as far as the court is concerned. The affairs he had wont really do anything either since that is what most of divorce court hears all day long. It is a grounds to divorce in some places but no real affect on the parenting plan that will be put into place.

When this site is up totally and running, read some of the past stories...courts do not care that the father feeds him juice and no vegetables. They call it a parenting difference and ignore.

There have been a few cases by me, where the judges have been ruling no to the move stating the father's visitation rights outweigh the  mother's move. 

[msfabulous89]

he doesn't get ANY food other than crackers! he's only 2 as i previously stated, so there are no teachers, but family members have called on the father because of the neglect.

and i wouldn't be saying that i'm just moving in the family, there are plenty of facts as to why it's safer and the lawyer we were previously speaking to said because of the astounding amount of neglect that is on file for him and the proof we have.

and because we are still married, if he can legally move out of state with him, so could i without a hitch. the problem though is that it IS kidnapping in kansas unless you have written permission from the other parent to leave the state with the child, which he did not have from me. so if he can move out of state with him, i could to, and this wouldn't be an issue.

because of the health concerns, the house is not LIVABLE for a child even for 1 day, as 1 day is all it takes to get staph or scabies or lice AGAIN! especially when the staph he's gotten has come from his house because he had it twice on his hands and continued to pick him up when he shouldn't have. and the fact that he had the affairs isn't what i'm getting at. i'm getting at the fact that he took off with my son once for reasons that were not beneficial even in the slightest for the child, and abandoned him for the same reasons. and again, as i stated before, we have plenty of solid proof from dr. notes and CPS and SRS, all called on the dad from his own family members!

and it's not that the father doesn't feed him veggies and he gets a lot of juice, its that ALL he gets is juice and crackers. no protein, no veggies, no nutrients needed for a growing toddler.

[ocean]

You can move but father can have you bring child back to home state and stay there until trial. This process take in some places a year or more in and out of court for a decision UNLESS the two of you agree on something.

Bottom line is you need to get his permission to go, so start that communication and see where it leads. Offer to meet at public places a few times. He can spend two hours at a public library with him or stroll around a mall. If father allows move, then you will have to prove neglect because a judge will want to give father some time and since you will be further away, it will be for longer periods...

If you go to court, you can request both of your take a parenting class, cpr class to help with his parenting skills.

Others will chime in soon but like I said, family court is nothing you ever scene and rarely do you see common sense applied there.

[Davy]

For sake of clarity, the father left the state with the child and RETURNED.  Ms. plans to leave the state with the child with NO INTENT of returning and some statues may reach the boy friend for Custodial Interference. 

Moreover the New Mexico blue sky being painted is no guarantee in the short or long term.  Many of these 'moves' go to hell in a hand basket so courts can or should be reluntant and caucious.

In many many ways it is best for the child to be near both parents. 

Why don't you find employment in Kansas and make life work.

[msfabulous89]

the 'new mexico blue sky' thats been referred to, is by no means a hand out, but it's a start. i have a job waiting for me. it's not perfect, but it's a paying job, with a stable home. and unless the owner who has lived in the same house for the last 20 years suddenly stops paying for it, there is a guarantee it's there. yes i understand that many of these types of moves don't work out as planned. most of the time statistically speaking, the person moves with no job waiting, no permanent home, and no moral or emotional support thats waiting for us.

in most cases yes, it's best for the child to be near both parents, but we have so much put up against the father that the lawyer we previously spoke with said we had plenty of evidence of neglect from the lack of medical care which was astounding, to the lack of nutrients. the child lost 3lbs in a 3 week period, and yes, we have doctors records to prove that. a growing child doesn't loose 3lbs in 3 weeks from eating. he looses it from not being fed.

and i've been trying to find work for 6 months now in kansas, and i'd LOVE to just make it work, but it's not happening. i don't have the experience necessary that most jobs want, i.e. a year or more experience in XX field. i'm 21 years old, and yes, i've obviously made mistakes. looking back at my mistakes, they were not in any way shape or form detrimental to my son, but has put me in a tough spot. i have an opportunity to make a better life for my son and for me, and to save him from a neglectful father and if a court system is going to rule that a child who lost 3lbs in 3 weeks from a neglectful father who just flat out wasn't feeding him, then our court systems are completely f*****!