what are step parents called?

[Davy]

Twisted .... you continue to display ignorance.

I once received notice of my daughter impending adoption by the mother's old dance teacher and then was told I had no rights ( I was CP to my sons) and was ONLY notified as a FORMALITY.  I responded saying if they proceeded the LAWYER would be FORMALLY DISBARRED and the politican would be job less.  I'm just a the normal average father (and pro se at times).  Guess what happened.   

The mother's husband was not a candidate for adoption because he had already been terminated as a parent (by his ex-wife) to his own children.  Guess why.

Roll forward about 30 years.  Mother's husband (HE) is living in my RN daughter's garage and her husband has woken her up to let her know HE is laying at the end of the driveway and his diaper (HE craps all over himself) has fallen off.  She giggled telling me she grabbed the water hose and hosed him down real good and continued giggling saying how much she enjoyed it.  I suppose the neighbors enjoyed the whole scene as much as she did.

As much as WE ALL tried ...  my kids and I all get along with HIM more so than the mother so this might be a clue to you.

When you go away please know the people that often post here have helped a lot of parents (and kids) over a very long time and generally speaking they (and I) don't exist to promote someone's self-serving ego.

It is your responsibility as CP to assure the child has a fruitful relationship with the other parent.   

[twistedtmama]

I don't see how I am preventing him from seeing my son, my job as a custodial parent is to make my son available for his visitation. Not to bend over backwards honestly it takes two if he isn't willing to do his part for his vistation then I am not doing all the work.

When my son was a yr old I provided all the clothes, sent him with toys, even called him to see when he wanted to see his son, he would never return outfits or anything so I had to go out every month and spend 300-400 a month replacing everything, that wasn't returned I just couldn't afford to do that so I added in the co that he is to supply things, he says its a waste of money to go out and buy all that stuff, so its his fault why he doesn't see his son, because he won't go out and buy things he would rather go out and booze at the club.

He wants to come to my house to have visitation, but he doesn't want my dh there so I told him no not happening. He is more than welcome to take my son whenever he wants as long as he can provide for him during the visits.

[Kitty C.]

You can justify it any way you want to....it still isn't flying with us.  If you have to bend over backwards to ensure the child has a relationship with his father, then that's what you do........you sacrifice for your child.

Ours was a LD custody agreement, over 1800 miles.  DS started flying all by himself when he was SIX years old...because that is what the judge ordered.  But by FAA regulations, until he was 8-9, DS had to fly non-stop, which meant that EVERY TIME DS flew, I had to drive him 250 miles to the nearest airport that would provide non-stop service.  Which also meant that I had to drive 1000 miles every time he flew:  500 miles there and back when DS flew out and 500 miles there and back when DS returned.  And every other year I did that TWICE.

When we first separated, I HATED DS's dad....there were false accusations galore and I was even reported to CPS for a totally unfounded case of abuse.  The degree of the accusations stunned me and deepened my hatred.  It appeared that every time the custody case wasn't going the way DS's dad wanted it, he would throw out some new accusation.  At one point, we reconciled and moved here, only to have him abscond with DS 5 months later without my knowledge.  It took me 6 weeks, 3 trips to CA, 2 emergency hearings and 1 emergency mediation to get DS back.  Then DS suffered from severe separation anxiety for a long time after that.  I would leave him with my mom to go to work and DS would stand at the door screaming 'MOMMY, DON'T GO, DON'T GO!'  It made my blood boil and I swore right there that if his father were standing in front of me, I would have gunned him down on the spot.  And DS refused to sleep by himself for a year and a half after that.  I felt I had EVERY reason to hate him for what he did to DS.

But I also knew that harboring that kind of anger would not only be detrimental to me, it would have devastating efffects on DS.  So I changed my mindset, focused on DS, and made a concerted effort to get along with his father.  I HAD to be the bigger person for DS's sake.  It took time, but we managed to co-parent efficiently, even LD.  But it was only temporary, maybe 5-6 years.  I would not wish the death of a parent on any child.  DS is now 22 and still reeling from his father's death 9 years ago.  In hindsight, I would have driven 1000 miles every MONTH if that meant DS would have had more time with his father.  It's called sacrifice....

Your son is only 5...can you say for certain how he will feel about this 20 years from now?  Absolutely not.  If he wants to call your DH 'Dad', it's probably only because he's heard friends/playmates use the same term and he equates it to the dominant male in the household, nothing else.  Which is a shame, because it's obvious he's never been taught exactly what 'Dad' means, especially regarding the biological component.  That's YOUR job as a parent.  Whenever he calls his bio-dad by his first name, all you have to do is say, 'You mean your Dad/Father'.  Repeat it often enough and he will get the lesson.  You never corrected him before, which is why he still uses Dad's first name.

Answer, don't answer......I personally really don't care.  But every one of your responses so far have been in justifying your own actions.  Which baffles me to figure out why you even came here in the first place...unless it was to bolster you own justifications for your actions.  If that's the case, you came to the wrong place.........

[gemini3]

So, he's "threatening" to sign over his parental rights, but just won't do it because he doesn't want to pay $150 to do it.  But you spoke to a lawyer, and your husband wants to adopt the child?  Hmmm.... doesn't seem like much of a threat to me.

Also, you said previously in this same thread that for the first year of sons life you would call dad to spend time with his son, but he would never show.  Now you're saying he spent so much time with him that you were spending hundreds of dollars a month replacing all of the things that you sent on visitation.

I call bullshit twistedtmama.  I suggest you hire a counselor to help you deal with your issues instead of posting on this board.  You'll find no help here. 

[fight4him]

I fear she is doing this to punish the dad for not being what she deems a good father. I hate, hate, hate my ss's bm but I would never, ever try to turn him against her. Because that would hurt HIM and no one else. A child cannot have enough loving adults in his life. I can only imagine what this father has to deal with to see his son, which MAY explain some of why he doesn't. This is a very sad thread.

[gemini3]

I agree.  Her posts are typical of a hostile-aggressive parent, who is willfully alienating her child from his father.  This type of person does everything they can to make the other parents life miserable, to push them away from the child.  Then when the other parent backs away to protect themselves, or because they can't deal with it anymore, the alienating parent points the finger and says they're a bad parent.

We've all seen this before.  I feel sad for the child who is stuck in the middle.

[twistedtmama]

If I should bend over backwards to make sure the father is in my sons life, then what do you think bio fathers responsibility should be? Just curious because Its not only my job.

[gemini3]

No one ever said it was.  But just because he's not doing what he should doesn't mean you no longer have an obligation to do what's right for your son.  If it will help your son grow up happier with fewer problems why wouldn't you want to?  Quit worrying about what he should or shouldn't be doing and look at your own actions.

Like another poster said - a good parent makes sacrifices for their child.  Trust me, we've all done it ourselves.  No one here is expecting you to do anything we don't do ourselves.  It's not easy to do when you have an ex that you disagree with.  But we do it, and we make the best of it, because we love our kids and it's what's best for them.

[Kitty C.]

If I should bend over backwards to make sure the father is in my sons life, then what do you think bio fathers responsibility should be? Just curious because Its not only my job.

That's not for you or anyone else to decide or dictate.  You cannot have any control over how he parents, any more than he has any control over how you parent.  You can only hope that he steps up, but I can guarantee you that he won't step up exactly the way you want him to, and that is exactly the way it should be.

You make this sound like a game, a contest...and you're the only one keeping score.  I can't fathom how you can possibly treat your child's life as a game.  This poor child is caught in the middle of your war with the father and you are using him as a pawn.  Better start saving up, because you will need it to pay for the counseling he's going to need eventually if you keep the current mindset.

A good, strong dose of empathy would be in order about now.  Regardless of how much hatred you have for your ex, if you can't put yourself into his shoes, think about this:  how would you feel if the situation was reversed and he was doing this to YOU?   

And I will repeat this again:  You must LOVE your child more than you HATE your ex.  When you can do that, all the rest will fall into place.

[tigger]

I know you're frustrated because it feels like you've done all the sacrificing and you very well may have while he gets off scott free.  It's unfair.  It sucks.  I've been doing it for 15 years for two kids.  Their stepmother turned the oldest one against me and he moved out when he was 16 and spent years not speaking to me.  He's now 22 and we've been reconciled for 2 years.  Our youngest is now 17 and 3 years ago my ex took me to court for full custody of him because he's a boy and he needs his dad and he wants to be a full time parent to him just like he had been able to be for our oldest for a couple of years.  What I didn't have evidence of but knew was that during that time, our oldest was drinking and partying and making very bad choices.  I fought the switch of custody and my ex got extra time with YS but didn't even get 50/50.  All that whining about wanting more time and more opportunity to parent?  Empty air.  YS comes home complaining that his dad isn't home during the extra time or if he is, he's sleeping.  YS had an opportunity to work for a gentleman this week and since he doesn't drive, he depends on us for rides.  I've willingly dropped him off and picked him today on my way to work.  My ex goes the same way to work and it was just too inconvenient for him so he's going to "let" me get him tomorrow and oh, by the way this means that I need to feed him dinner AND take him to his training at the fire station and pick him.  Thanks for letting me, once again take over your parenting that you begged the judge to give you.  So I'll change my plans for tomorrow evening, take something out for dinner (I had planned to eat a sandwich since it was supposed to be just me) and I'll take care of what YS needs.  Does he love his dad?  Absolutely.  Do I say anything negative about his dad?  Tempting but absolutely not.  Is it frustrating?  Yes.  More than anyone who hasn't been there can understand.  I've watched both kids be disappointed that he's not there for the mundane things.  He refused to pick up our oldest when he took Driver's Ed because he didn't want to "drive all the way out there".  "All the way out there" consisted of him going 10 minutes past his parents' house (where he took his visitation) to the high school and then back again 10 minutes.  And all of this was AFTER he got off work at his normal time.  So instead he "let" me pick him up.  That entailed me getting off work an hour early, canceling my plans for the evening and driving that same distance and dropping OS off at my ex's parents so he still had his visitation.  You know what, the kids see it.  I don't have to say a word and they both see it.  OS realizes that I've always been there for him and that his SM manipulated him as a teen to get his way.  He realizes he would have been better off staying with me.  YS sees it too.  He knows I'm always there.  They know their dad loves them but he's unreliable at best. 

Their relationship with their dad is theirs to work out now that they are older.  I'm confident that I did nothing to interfere with that relationship and in fact, did everything that I could to encourage it and the boys know that.  What they do with it now that they are older is up to them but I have a clean conscience.  You won't be able to say the same.