what are step parents called?

[Kitty C.]

Thank God, because I was ready to tell you to take your 'issues' some place else.  You come here asking questions and when numerous people give you advice based upon their own experiences, you bash them all because it doesn't meet your 'agenda'.  Like I've said before...and will repeat as many times as it takes.....you can justify your actions till the cows come home but that doesn't make them ethically right or what's best for the child.


I truly, truly feel sorry for your child.  The poor boy will grow up as a pawn in his parents' 'game' and never know the true meaning of parenthood.   I hope you aren't looking forward to grandchildren by him, because I would not be surprised 20-30 years from now that he refrains from being a parent completely....because he doesn't want his kids to go through the pain that he dealt with.......and rightly so.

Good riddance......

[twistedtmama]

I feel bad because his bio idiot refuses to take visitation unless I pay for his visitation or I let him visit at my home. I feel bad that obviously he isn't that important to his dad.

[Kitty C.]

'Like I've said before...and will repeat as many times as it takes.....you can justify your actions till the cows come home but that doesn't make them ethically right or what's best for the child.'

[twistedtmama]

do not tell me what is best for my child until you meet him.

[ocean]

I just shake my head.....
YOU picked his father. If father is having difficulty getting to you and paying for the visit then you should be encouraging and helping in any way you can. Since you do not drive, you can not help out that way so that is why he is asking to do it at your house (but he can still pick up child and go to a place where it does not cost anything-park, library..).  To drive an hour to you, not have money to do anything, to take child for an hour or two and then drive back is rough (not that he should not try either). It takes both of you to parent and work together. If your new husband and ex do not get along, then do not have your husband there at exchanges.

The calling dad issue, you chose that for your child as he was a toddler when the issue came up. You wanted your child to call your new husband dad and that is what happened. You can not blame a 2 year old for calling your new husband "dad" when no one else was doing it in the house. That came from you. You could of had a picture of bio-dad and pointed to it often saying that is your "dad", this is XX. We both call him XX. 

What you are doing is PAS'ing your child. Many of us here have dealt with it on the other side. Having your child call another person "mom" or "dad" is a slap in the face, especially when everyone does not get along.

Once he is in school and people ask him who your husband is, is when your child will start to understand the full meaning of all of this. "well, he is my dad but not really my dad...i call my dad...xx".

We/I do not expect you to go home tonight and tell child "no more, call him by his first name". BUT you can start having talks about the differences between a dad and step dad. That he has XX who is his bio dad and when he sees him, it is okay to call him dad too.

Please make sure your child is not listening or can hear you when you are talking about his bio father (birthday issues -on the phone, overhearing conversations....).

The best scenario is you can offer to meet with bio dad and you at a public place and try to work some of this all out (or back and forth in emails?). It would be best that you all work to parent this child and allow him to love all the families involved. Print out a Sept calendar and fill in school days and ask him what days he can come get child, even if it is once a month for now until everyone can afford the visits.

[texasstepmom]

Depending on the childs age I think that it is the childs choice. I have a 13 yr old SS and a 14 yr old SS both of which have always CHOSE to call me "mom". I have other kids of my own both older and younger and my 13 yr old SS has always made the comment that I have been more of a mother figure for him then his own. They have both been told that they are welcome to call me whatever they were comfortable with as long as it wasnt disrespectible. So my opinion is that each case is different.

[brwneyedmom]

This is a twisted argument. Children do not have a choice in many matters. Do they choose to go to the doctor when they are sick? Do they choose not to go to school because they don't like it anymore? Do they choose to play violent computer games or have absolutely no limits on the internet?
No. They need parents and guidance. This is your job. You are masking yourself as a mom (and as step-mom you have a great deal of love and influence) and this is not fair to the BM. You could have them call you "mom" but in a different language so that it's a special name just between you. In America, mom is mom. You are not.

[twistedtmama]

My son is 4, almost five. Even before my husband was in the picture my sons bio dad was not really an involved parent. When I first had my son, I came down with the flu, I asked bio dad to watch my son and he said it wasn't his responsibility and that I was the mother and that it is my job to take care of him whether I am sick or not. He is never there, one time when he was living 5 minutes from my house, my son was ill and I had to take him to the emergency room I called the bio dad and he actually told me that he couldn't get up out of bed and that his sleep was more important that bringing his son to the emergency room with me, YUP, but this is a guy that should be called dad. Father or not a father who does not do for their child should not deserve the title of daddy. Sorry plain and simple.

Depending on the childs age I think that it is the childs choice. I have a 13 yr old SS and a 14 yr old SS both of which have always CHOSE to call me "mom". I have other kids of my own both older and younger and my 13 yr old SS has always made the comment that I have been more of a mother figure for him then his own. They have both been told that they are welcome to call me whatever they were comfortable with as long as it wasnt disrespectible. So my opinion is that each case is different.

[texasstepmom]

So brwneyedmom, am I suppose to correct them when they come to me at bedtime and give me a huge hug and say goodnite mom?? I think not. I have already made it perfectly clear to them that if that is the way that they see me and they choose to call me that then, yes, that is their choice! There are some things that at a particular age they have the right to make certain choices of their own. That is what makes them learn to make choices for themselves. It is called growing up. Now if I were to tell them "this is what you have to call me" then I think things would be alittle different. I guess to each his own. But i see all these kids as mine whether they are biologically or not.

[twistedtmama]

What part of he has money to take his son places, he chooses to spend it on themselves, sorry but I get bad mouthed for my son calling his sp daddy. But yet nobody is pointing out how selfish he is by not putting his child first, like I said he makes PLENTY of money but chooses to go out clubbing with it, maybe the loser should put some money aside for his visitation. You know I can only do so much as parent, I cannot afford to give him money to take out his son, maybe he should take him to the park or something, or maybe go to his sisters house with my son, since she does live about 10-15 minutes from my house.

Even if I could drive I would not help out with transportation like I said he CHOSE to move away, even if I didn't have a license and I was the one who moved I would find a way to go bring my son to bio dad for his visits. A lawyer that I have talked to said the parent that decides to relocate is responsible for the transportation. So I am not obligated to drive him, bio dad expects ALOT. If I was the ncp who relocated I would NOT expect bio dad to cater to me and transport my child. At some point ladies whether you like to realize it or not, you need to hold these men accountable and let them take responsibility, its nobody's job to do the ncp's job as a parent. Bio dad tried taking me to court asking the judge to have him have visitation in my home, the judge told him no and that its NOT my responsibility and that if he wants to take him that it is his visitation so he must find something to do with him during that time. Sorry But you know what I think I am going to respect the judge and listen to what he ordered.

Actually I am not PAS'SING my son, maybe if bio dad didn't chose to be absent most of the time, my son would recognize his father as his dad, if he actually showed up and bonded with him. I don't see how its a slap in the face, maybe being a crappy parent is acceptable to you people but its not to me, bio dad is slapping himself in the face, nobody is preventing him from having a relationship with his son, nobody is holding his son away from him. Nobody is going to cater to bio dad, bio dad isn't going to come into my home and dictate that my husband cannot be in his own home, sorry but that just doesn't fly with me, my husband pays for the house, pays the bills, he can be home whenever he wants.

And I don't care what you expect me to do, honestly I don't care what people on the internets opinion is of me, sorry thats not the worry of my day worrying about what internet people think of me, lol I have better things to do in life.

Bio dad is selfish, doesn't care about his son, has done CRAP for his son but yet he should be called dad nope not happening, my son can call whoever he wants dad. Obviously he calls my husband dad becaus my husband has filled the dad role, and has been a dad, when bio dad hasn't been a dad. I left bio dad he didn't leave me, I left him because he didn't want the responsibility of being a dad, he was immature and wasn't ready to be a parent.

I just shake my head.....
YOU picked his father. If father is having difficulty getting to you and paying for the visit then you should be encouraging and helping in any way you can. Since you do not drive, you can not help out that way so that is why he is asking to do it at your house (but he can still pick up child and go to a place where it does not cost anything-park, library..).  To drive an hour to you, not have money to do anything, to take child for an hour or two and then drive back is rough (not that he should not try either). It takes both of you to parent and work together. If your new husband and ex do not get along, then do not have your husband there at exchanges.

The calling dad issue, you chose that for your child as he was a toddler when the issue came up. You wanted your child to call your new husband dad and that is what happened. You can not blame a 2 year old for calling your new husband "dad" when no one else was doing it in the house. That came from you. You could of had a picture of bio-dad and pointed to it often saying that is your "dad", this is XX. We both call him XX.   

What you are doing is PAS'ing your child. Many of us here have dealt with it on the other side. Having your child call another person "mom" or "dad" is a slap in the face, especially when everyone does not get along.

Once he is in school and people ask him who your husband is, is when your child will start to understand the full meaning of all of this. "well, he is my dad but not really my dad...i call my dad...xx".

We/I do not expect you to go home tonight and tell child "no more, call him by his first name". BUT you can start having talks about the differences between a dad and step dad. That he has XX who is his bio dad and when he sees him, it is okay to call him dad too.

Please make sure your child is not listening or can hear you when you are talking about his bio father (birthday issues -on the phone, overhearing conversations....).

The best scenario is you can offer to meet with bio dad and you at a public place and try to work some of this all out (or back and forth in emails?). It would be best that you all work to parent this child and allow him to love all the families involved. Print out a Sept calendar and fill in school days and ask him what days he can come get child, even if it is once a month for now until everyone can afford the visits.