Sperm donor cancelling visits?

[kjerome12]

My girl friends daughter is now 2, and her bio father always cancels his visits. they have been to court and after a trial he gets the child for one night a week. Seriously he cancels all the time. One excuse after another. I have raised my girls daughter since birth, and as far as I'm concerned he can take a long walk off of a short pier. What are our options? can we tell the court how much of a scumbag he is and just have his visits reduced or even cut him off of all visits? I'd like for him to just sign his rights off and I will adopt her. When he calls an hour before he picks her up to cancel or even the night before, is really a burden to find a sitter that fast before work. irresponsible andd just a lame ass title for a "father". What can we do?

[tigger]

Encourage him to keep consistent visitations.  Explain to him how important he is to his daughter and how vital being a part of her life is.  Ask him to be courteous and give at least a week's notification if he needs to miss a visitation.

Where is the child other times when he isn't scheduled to have her and mom has to work?

[Kitty C.]

I'm sorry....but I find the term 'sperm donor' to be extremely offensive.   Just as much as 'egg donor'.  And it's not about the words, it's the context and attitude it's used in.  Obviously you think very little of the father, and that's your right......but you have NO say-so regarding how and when the father sees his child.  She's 2 years old?  You have a LONG way to go....16 years, as a matter of fact.  Because if the father is not willing to give up his rights, he will be in your lives in some way, shape or form until the child reaches the age of majority.

The ONLY way the father can give up his rights (which includes ending any CS that he may currently be paying) is if there is someone readily available to adopt....but the BM is only your GF?  I may be wrong, but I would be willing to bet that before adoption would even be considered, the potentially adoptive parent and bio-parent would have to be married.  Is that in your plans, too?

We get that you think very little of the father, but this is an issue that the BM and BF have to work out.  And two years is a very short time to come to the conclusion (or better, opinion) that the father is a loser.  I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason why he doesn't come around is because he knows he has to deal with you. 

[gemini3]

I agree - sperm donor is extremely offensive.  It also concerns me that the reason you're so upset about him not exercising his visitation is because you have to find a babysitter on short notice, and not concern for the child.

What's best for the child is for her to grow up with a good relationship with her father.  You can't replace that for her.  I know how frustrating it is - I'm a step who deals with a less than stellar bio-mom.  But I recognize that they need the relationship with their mom to grow up happy and well adjusted.  So I grin and bear it, and try to help them navigate a difficult relationship with her so that they can get the benefit of it.  You would do well to do the same.

[ocean]

Yup, and SOME (not all!) men get better as the child gets older, talks, and able to "do" thinks with them.

This man is her father and there will always be a connection even if you would adopt. Many adopted kids go looking for their bio parents so that will not stop it.

If work/daycare are issues then change his days to after work. Maybe he would take her after work for a shorter dinner visit instead, every week until he shows more interest. Once child starts a pre-school and activities, email him the information.

Many of us have been here over 10 years dealing with our ex's. If there is any way for you to let it go, maybe have a talk with him that you are not replacing him and want him to be there for his daughter, things will slowly improve BUT you have got to stop the "sperm donor" attitude before this child starts talking and repeating/understanding your hatred towards her father. You GF "picked" him to be the father and now it is between them to make it work.

[kjerome12]

Lol offensive? I dont know what little dream world you all live in but in reality there are real scumbag "sperm donors". Ones that dont want to spend time with their kids. make excuses like he has cancer, and then the next week he doesnt. Or just because he "doesnt feel" like giving her 100%. one excuse after another. the BM doesnt work, I do. daycare isnt an issue. I buy her everything she needs. I take care of her. I have 2 boys of my own that I have fought to see and took me 2 years to get them overnight, and this guy that doesnt want to see his kid can come and go as he pleases? bullshit. SPERM DONOR is the perfect word! It guys like that, that give fathers like me a bad name! I dont care if you take offense or not! you chose the article to read and your on a forum site. DUH! how do you think the child is going to feel when "daddy" is in and out all her life? there is no working anything out. I've tried. she has tried. The guy has 8 kids with 3 different women. And has already signed rights off to 2 other kids. they had a child together and they both need to step it up. And he "doesnt feel" like doing that. My BF left me and my mom at birth. I know how it feels to have a "sperm donor". and he was a real asshole. I met him when I was 16. I fell in love with this child and for a "father" to be in the childs life, takes more than once a month. and CS? I own my own business. his $100 a month is taking care of the childs cat! your funny!

[tigger]

When he calls an hour before he picks her up to cancel or even the night before, is really a burden to find a sitter that fast before work.

the BM doesnt work, I do. daycare isnt an issue.

So if you're working and she's not, why is it a burden to find a sitter that fast before work?  Why isn't the mom taking care of the child?

The guy has 8 kids with 3 different women. And has already signed rights off to 2 other kids. they had a child together and they both need to step it up. And he "doesnt feel" like doing that.

One of those women was your girlfriend.  She picked him.  From what I can tell her taste in men hasn't improved much.

[Simplydad]

Lol offensive? I dont know what little dream world you all live in but in reality there are real scumbag "sperm donors". Ones that dont want to spend time with their kids. make excuses like he has cancer, and then the next week he doesnt. Or just because he "doesnt feel" like giving her 100%. one excuse after another. the BM doesnt work, I do. daycare isnt an issue. I buy her everything she needs. I take care of her. I have 2 boys of my own that I have fought to see and took me 2 years to get them overnight, and this guy that doesnt want to see his kid can come and go as he pleases? bullshit. SPERM DONOR is the perfect word! It guys like that, that give fathers like me a bad name! I dont care if you take offense or not! you chose the article to read and your on a forum site. DUH! how do you think the child is going to feel when "daddy" is in and out all her life? there is no working anything out. I've tried. she has tried. The guy has 8 kids with 3 different women. And has already signed rights off to 2 other kids. they had a child together and they both need to step it up. And he "doesnt feel" like doing that. My BF left me and my mom at birth. I know how it feels to have a "sperm donor". and he was a real asshole. I met him when I was 16. I fell in love with this child and for a "father" to be in the childs life, takes more than once a month. and CS? I own my own business. his $100 a month is taking care of the childs cat! your funny!

Is this about you or the child?  Having a hard time trying to discern that.

if you are going to come here and want people to take you seriously and talk to you then maybe you should think before you speak.  Most of us here could care less about the animosity between the parents.  What is important her is the child and if you walk around harboring this kind of resentment you are going to be part of the problem if you can't let it go.

If you truly love the child....then love the child.  Simple as that.

[gemini3]

None of us here are living in a dream world.  Just about every one of us is dealing with a biological parent who has problems, and who is not doing what we think is best for the children.  But, regardless of that, we realize that children have a right to a relationship with BOTH of their parents.  You know what it feels like because you went through it yourself.

There is a difference between growing up knowing you have a parent who is flawed, but who loves you; and growing up thinking that one of your parents doesn't love you and doesn't want you.  You must have wanted to meet your father.  You must have wondered about him while you were growing up - why he isn't there, why doesn't he care about you?  Your GF's daughter is going to grow up with those same feelings unless you allow her to have some sort of relationship with her father. 

No one is saying you should think it's ok for her father to miss visitation, or that you shouldn't find it annoying when he cancels at the last minute, or that you should think it's ok for him to only pay $100 a month in child support.  And no one here is saying they think it's ok either.  What we're saying is that you have to think about how all of this is going to affect the child, and you have to set aside your own issues and do what's best for her. 

Your post sounded like you wanted to have his visitation and parental rights taken away as a sort of "punishment" for not doing what he should.  You want his visits reduced - but what difference does it make, since he doesn't exercise them anyway, except to punish him.  Children are not pawns to be used to punish the other parent.

[ocean]

I agree...
If mother is home then no issue if he does not show up. Do not tell child he may come until he pulls up in the driveway. Have mom wait a half hour, then go about her business for the day. Keep track. You can spend money and go back to court to take away "some" of the time but what is that going to accomplish? He is not coming anyway. Spend time and money for nothing.

Does not matter what you think, this baby has a father. He is lucky to have someone else to step up to the plate and that is great BUT your GF chose this guy and got pregnant knowing his background. They are a package deal along with a crazy ex, join the club...

If he is missing almost every visit, then maybe see if he is willing to call 2 days before IF he is coming. If you do not hear from him then you assume he is not. BUT really she is obligated under the court order to have child ready according to the court order so unless he agrees to this change be careful (do it by email for proof or follow up with email or registered letter of the new agreement but it will not be a court order).