Heart breaking for DH & SD

[ocean]

There are now mail in paternity tests you can do yourself. Look at your pharmacy. I think it is a swab from dad and child and send in.

[mdegol]

Oh, that is so sad.  You can only tell her that it doesn't matter.  You love her no matter what.  Legally, it depends on the state.  In my state, as long as it is within a marriage, there is a period of time (3 years) to declare someone else "the father" after which, husband dad is dad legally as long as he doesn't agree to relinquish his parental rights. In other words, you definitely have an argument against DH losing his parental rights.  Especially with how old the child is.  He might be able to stop the admissibility of the DNA test. 

[Mom1Step2]

I dont know if that would be the best thing. I wouldnt want SD to hate DH for not allowing her to know the truth. I know that would be the spin that BM would put on it.

Who knows....

[mdegol]

You can't control what BM does. She's going to say things that are going to mess this child up-this is obvious from her terrible behavior.  If I were a child, I think that my biggest fear would be any preceived rejection from the man I knew as my father.  Thus, a failure to fight could be seen that way.  There was a case like this I saw once (the guy didn't want to pay child support) and he refused to have the non-biological child on visits and wanted to terminate his rights.  The interviews with the child were heartbreaking.   The most painful part of the situation was the rejection from her father.  If she is talking to the other guy then she knows the truth and she can develop a relationship with him.  I think the best way for DH to help her through this is to fight.  You can do a DNA test without her knowledge privately.  BM will probably tell her the results anyway, but I wouldn't even act like it matters.  Even if the results exist, you can ask that the court render the results inadmissible.  I am not certain it will work, but you have a very strong "best interests" argument. 
I guess if I were him I would say-the test means nothing. I love you-I am your dad forever.  You are my daughter.  She can then digest the rest of it without having to worry about a rejection from her father.  Legally, it is in this child's best interest (IMHO) that DH retains his rights and custody.  I can see you love her, so I am sure you just want to do what is best for her without being selfish.  I can't see how displacing the child would serve her interest in any way.  While it is BM's fault due to her deception (if it is even true)-this would be no different than a child that finds out they are adopted at a late age.  The child shouldn't experience any changes to their life other than an additional relationship with her BF.

[Mom1Step2]

We would love to do a test ourselves, but dont want anyone to know we were doing it. There is no way we could do a swab or whatever was needed without 11yo figuring out what was going on. That is why DH wants to just wait to see if it is ordered by the court. He doesnt want to seem like it matters to him (though of course he wants to know).

I guess he could refuse to do the test if she just asks (without court order), but she could always get the other guy to do the test to prove in reverse.

God, when did my life become a Jerry Springer show?

[ocean]

At this point BM already told child, so it is already out there in the open. Look online, maybe there is a hair one that you can do...then child would not really know. I would not do anything from BM unless it was court ordered since he has custody.