stepson coming to visit

[ocean]

PAS= parent alienation syndrome
Not sure how much you can do, but you can get the school notified that his legal name is XX and you want that enforced at school. I am sure there is a lot more to that case and the judge just had it at that point. My husband's ex tried to send a letter that she was changing kids names but we called court and found out that she can not do it legally unless he signed permission. Rarely will a judge sign off when a parent has visitation and is paying child support.

[4honor]

You could have been talking about my family 9 years ago. Step Son is 7 years older than my older son and 8.5 more than the youngest. BM used to pull crap and say nonsense (your half siblings aren't your real siblings, you have to live with someone for them to be your real family...). It set him up for fal;ure. He was so jealous of the younger boys. He hated that they got to live with their Dad and he had to go back. But the crap his mother put in his head messed with it. She had him convinced that his brothers weren't REAL...he used that as an excuse for having sodomized them. He actually said it didn't matter what he did to them because they weren't real.
Don't let this teen get away with POOR behavior because it will only escalate. He needs to learn the tool of treating people at least as well as he would treat a stranger and with a modicum of respect.

[wife1]

He comes from a home where no one says thank you, please, your welcome, or any other kind of basic kindness. A house totaly devoid of politeness. He is starting to have an attitude of we owe him something. I hate feeling the dread of his arrival and the affect it will have on our girls. I know my daughter ( the one he doesnt get along with) said that he had grabbed her arm last time he was down, and i normally have patience with him, but this pushed me over the limit. She is only 6 and he is 12 ,I finally had to call my inlaws to come get him . I couldnt even stand to be around him and had to have him leave. What makes it worse is that he is with me the majority time while my husband is working, so how do i discipline him with out over stepping any boundaries? It is hard for me to understand why she feels the need to make this situation so difficult, she goes out of her way to do and say things that will change his feelings and his relationship with any of us for the worse. She has been married to her husband for almost 13yrs and they have two kids of their own a beautiful home, and she still does these things. We never bother her or talk bad about her, or argue with her and she still does this nonsense. It is so emotionally and physically draining on me and my relationship with my husband. i just dont know what to do  

[ocean]

There needs to be house rules. Sit everyone down and say "we want to have a good week but last time there were a few issues. So, here are some house rules: no touching each other/hitting, list 3-4 issues and expectations (everyone cleans up after themselves). Then give some rewards and consequences. If everyone follows the rules we can XXX( we can have movie night with dad at home with popcorn one night, we can xxx). If someone can not follow the rules, then need a time out in their room, the number of minutes equal their age plus they need to fix whatever happened, (clean up, say sorry). You can put older stepson in his room for misbehavior.

When something comes up say "you guys have two choices, get along and play nice you get xx, continue bothering each other you will loose movie night tonight".

If he is totally talking back to you, have your husband deal with him when he get home and maybe have him save his sick/vacation days when he comes. If you have to, shorten the time he is with you or have in-laws take him a few days when he is working. Arrange it ahead of time so it is not a punishment. You can even use that as a reward if he likes to go there.

He is at a hard age anyway. Then mom is not helping. Try to have the week planned out and structured.. Find things to do (parks, library, bake cookies, play board game with them, have them help with chores so you can do something in the afternoon- all kids no matter age can fold clothes or help). Let him have some alone time too. Maybe earn computer time or game time or tv time. Wait until your 6 year old is a teen, not fun...lol 

[Kitty C.]

'It is hard for me to understand why she feels the need to make this situation so difficult, she goes out of her way to do and say things that will change his feelings and his relationship with any of us for the worse. She has been married to her husband for almost 13yrs and they have two kids of their own a beautiful home, and she still does these things. We never bother her or talk bad about her, or argue with her and she still does this nonsense.'

Let me see if I can put some perspective on it......it's because she HATES your DH more than she LOVES your SS.  It's because regardless of what her life might be like now, she still holds a grudge against your DH and your SS is the most convenient tool to get back at him (and you by association).  It's because she perceives this so-called 'pain' associated with your DH (and you) and she wants you both to hurt more than she does.  It's because she's vindictive and spiteful and basically a school yard bully.

Your SS's behavior is a product of that hate.  And that hate is so blinding to her that she cannot possibly realize what kind of damage it is doing to her own son.  This child is caught squarely in the middle and his behavior is a reaction to that, along with the BS that she's purposely feeding him about your family.  I know that it is difficult, but you really need to see the behavior for what it truly is...a cry for help.  As 4honor said from experience, letting this go could cause even more serious problems down the road.

I know that an inclination would be to limit the time that he spends with you...and at times that may be the wisest choice, depending on what's going on.  But keep in mind this:  it won't change what he is becoming, thanks to his mother.  She will see that as a victory on her part and up the ante, to the point that I wouldn't be surprised if she would eventually try to eliminate your DH from his life completely.  In fact, that may be her plan all along.  Just keep in mind that even if this were to happen, your SS's problems will still only get worse, not better.  This poor kid is in a lose-lose situation right now.  And he really needs an adult he can trust on his side.  I imagine he has no idea why he's angry, just that he is.  And even if he does know, it would be very difficult for him to voice it.

I truly feel sorry for this child.....he needs all the help, love, and support he can get right now.  And I hate to be blunt about this, but there's no other way to say it:  Your DH must spend more time with him...if for nothing else but to lessen the pain this child is going through.  He NEEDS his father right now, more than ever.  And your DH should be bending over backwards to make that happen.  The alternatives are NOT favorable:  worsening behavior, assaulting your children, staying with BM full time so that the mind-poisoning can continue full-blown, psychological problems that require treatment (do you honestly think BM would get him the help if he needed it?), or (heaven forbid) juvenile delinquency or worse.  As I see it, that's the writing on the wall.......

[Davy]

Excellent summation by Kitty and I would like to add that the dysfunction is likely to continue into adulthood. My youngest son (38 yr old) reiterated as much just TODAY.

[Kitty C.]

Exactly, Davy....both my DS and SS (22 and almost 18 respectively) are living proof of that, as well.

[wife1]

"Let me see if I can put some perspective on it......it's because she HATES your DH more than she LOVES your SS.  It's because regardless of what her life might be like now, she still holds a grudge against your DH and your SS is the most convenient tool to get back at him (and you by association).  It's because she perceives this so-called 'pain' associated with your DH (and you) and she wants you both to hurt more than she does.  It's because she's vindictive and spiteful and basically a school yard bully."
You said that perfectly!
He is here and she is only allowing him to stay for 4 days out of the 14 they are going to be here, and the worse part is that my husband didnt even try to get her to allow him more time together. I want to tell him to tell her to allow him to stay longer but I know he won't. He hates to argue with her and says it just isn't worth the fight.  I think I butt in too much but I can't help but push him . Your completly right though she does HATE  him enough to keep doing this to him and all of us and its sad. He has been here since aturday night and goes back tomorrow, and I know SS wants to stay longer but he doesn't say anything because he knows he will just get in trouble with her too. I can see what he will end up being like as an adult and it is not looking good.

[wife1]

Well today my SS left back with his mother and I was the one who dropped him off at her inlaws house. Luckily she wasn't there so I didnt have to deal with her. Today was a bit of an eye opener with him, he normaly cries when he leaves but today he cried with me, and it was a first. It was a completly different emotion for me, I hugged him and made sure we were both facing away from the door so his SF couldn't see or hear what  we were saying or doing. It was the first time he hugged me and I could tell he wasen't ready to let go. All I could do was reassure him that we loved him, missed him, and would always have his room waiting for him for whenever he was ready to come stay with us. Today it hit me when we were having our moment of how much this poor child is hurting inside and how conflicted he really is. He wants to be with us but feels his loyalty with his mother, he doesnt want to feel guilty about wanting to see or be with us but he does. My heart breaks for him. Before I felt so passionate about pushing the issue about him coming and now I feel like we shouldnt because that is what she is doing only oposite. We dont ever want to make him choose between his mom and us, or to feel like that is what we are trying to get him to do. If he comes it should be because it is his own choice. Today was just different, I wasent prepared for it. And now Im just sad....