High Conflict Ex

[OneMan]

I also don't agree with the 2.5 day 50/50 split, OneMan.  Here's why:  a recent article in Psychology Today emphasized that with shared parenting in a high-conflict situation, the fewer times a child has to be exchanged between parents lessens the conflict for the child.  Since the child is exposed fewer times to the conflict between the parents, it lessens the anxiety the child has to suffer.

Here's 2 links regarding the article:

If the parents always argue in front of junior, then I'd have to agree. But if there's little arguing or mild stress, I think the benefits outweigh the separation. God knows that plenty of arguing goes on between parents in front of kids inside intact families also, so you never escape from that dynamic even in the best of circumstances.

[BeKind]

Honestly, I have really tried to allow open communication between our son and his father. As of this past week, I was even going to setup an old laptop in my son's room so he could Skype with my ex-inlaws, in an attempt to move past everything they have done to me (including me having to get a protective order). Every time I try to do something nice for no reason other than I think it would be good for my son, they prove to me over and over again why I shouldn't. It's just so hard to decide at what point those conversations with his father are doing more bad than good. Every Sunday that we switch, I just wait for the nasty email that follows. It's like clockwork now, and I've learned to ignore them, but I genuinely worry about how things are for our son when he is at his dad's. He mentioned to me yesterday that his dad says bad words about mommy. I told him that he could talk to me about it if he wants, and that if it really bothers him, all he has to do is tell his daddy he doesn't want to hear it. I emailed my ex regarding this, in the nicest way possible and not accusing in any way. On a positive note, however, his dad did give me right of first refusal this morning. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere with that.

[BeKind]

I spoke too soon. I had emailed him this morning telling him that since it was so last minute I would drop our son off to him in the morning but that in the future, he would have to pick him up since our agreement states receiving parent picks up and it's 30 minutes out of my way on my way to work (I know when he works nights he has off until around 3pm the following day). I just really don't have the time in the morning to be driving all over. I told him that I had no problem dropping him off at daycare if that is where he needed to go, but if he had to go back to his house, he would have to pick him up. Apparently he feels that he is doing me a favor by allowing me to have our son during the time he is at work and that he doesn't have to do it. I give up.

[Simplydad]

Honestly, I have really tried to allow open communication between our son and his father. As of this past week, I was even going to setup an old laptop in my son's room so he could Skype with my ex-inlaws, in an attempt to move past everything they have done to me (including me having to get a protective order). Every time I try to do something nice for no reason other than I think it would be good for my son, they prove to me over and over again why I shouldn't. It's just so hard to decide at what point those conversations with his father are doing more bad than good. Every Sunday that we switch, I just wait for the nasty email that follows. It's like clockwork now, and I've learned to ignore them, but I genuinely worry about how things are for our son when he is at his dad's. He mentioned to me yesterday that his dad says bad words about mommy. I told him that he could talk to me about it if he wants, and that if it really bothers him, all he has to do is tell his daddy he doesn't want to hear it. I emailed my ex regarding this, in the nicest way possible and not accusing in any way. On a positive note, however, his dad did give me right of first refusal this morning. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere with that.

I think you need to stop trying to go above and beyond what you are required to do.  The high conflict personality considers this something you are required to do because it is all about them.  In their minds they think you are feeling guilty about something or are being submissive to them.   If they want something extra they need to learn how to politely ask for it.


I follow one simple rule when dealing with things I am not required to do.  I never do it.......unless my child asks for it.  If my son asks to call his mother without hesitation I allow him to do so.  If there is a special event that my son wants to attend with the other side I allow it to happen.  I will never in any purposely restrict access to the other parent. 


Concerning the comments your ex makes it would be best to ignore them but continue to let your son know you love him and that he does not need to worry about that.  Children are a lot more resilient and intelligent than adults give them credit for and in the end the child will eventually recognize where the problems lies.  If you can afford it or have insurance that would cover it I would seriously consider contacting a child psychologist and make an appointment for your son.  Child Psychologists are experts at getting children to talk and know how to help them through it.  If you do go this route you should contact your ex and give him the opportunity to be a part of this.  You can basically alternate appointments. He takes him one time and you take him the other.   He may decide to use this as another means to verbally attack you.....


Just remember it is not about you and it is not about him. It is about your son.

[Simplydad]

I spoke too soon. I had emailed him this morning telling him that since it was so last minute I would drop our son off to him in the morning but that in the future, he would have to pick him up since our agreement states receiving parent picks up and it's 30 minutes out of my way on my way to work (I know when he works nights he has off until around 3pm the following day). I just really don't have the time in the morning to be driving all over. I told him that I had no problem dropping him off at daycare if that is where he needed to go, but if he had to go back to his house, he would have to pick him up. Apparently he feels that he is doing me a favor by allowing me to have our son during the time he is at work and that he doesn't have to do it. I give up.

That issue is easily rectified since your agreement says the receiving picks up the child.


Simply tell him that per the agreement he has to pick him up.  Tell him what time you normally leave when you have your son.  If he is not there to pick him up then you will just drop him off at day care.

[OneMan]

Honestly, I have really tried to allow open communication between our son and his father. As of this past week, I was even going to setup an old laptop in my son's room so he could Skype with my ex-inlaws, in an attempt to move past everything they have done to me (including me having to get a protective order). Every time I try to do something nice for no reason other than I think it would be good for my son, they prove to me over and over again why I shouldn't. It's just so hard to decide at what point those conversations with his father are doing more bad than good. Every Sunday that we switch, I just wait for the nasty email that follows. It's like clockwork now, and I've learned to ignore them, but I genuinely worry about how things are for our son when he is at his dad's. He mentioned to me yesterday that his dad says bad words about mommy. I told him that he could talk to me about it if he wants, and that if it really bothers him, all he has to do is tell his daddy he doesn't want to hear it. I emailed my ex regarding this, in the nicest way possible and not accusing in any way. On a positive note, however, his dad did give me right of first refusal this morning. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere with that.

With my high conflict ex I have learned that there is no such thing as "finally getting somewhere" with her. By definition, I think a person will never "get somewhere" with a high conflict person. That would mean they were not a high conflict person.

Bad mouthing the other parent is totally off limits. In my opinion, it doesn't call for a response in the nicest way possible. It calls for a warning, a warning you are prepared to follow through with with every legal means at your disposal. This doesn't mean an argument or a discussion. It means a simple, clear, unmistakeable warning to never try it again. Hopefully there is something in your order about that and you can show that he is in breach.

It's equally important to allow the child full access to both sides of his/her family--by phone, skype, whatever.

I see no reason why the word "priviledges" should ever be connected to communication with the other parent, even if child and parent end up hanging out on the phone for an hour (if there's nothing else going on). I personally find the whole punitive aspect of custody and time-sharing in this country pretty sick. The laws have been created in such a way that they are license for acts of vindictiveness, pettiness and punishment.   I don't want to add to that in anyway.