Change of custody based on ADHD

[Crockpot]

YSD (5) is having an evaluation for ADHD in a couple weeks.  From what DH and I see, we fully expect a diagnosis of hyperactivity at a minimum.  DH is NCP and is very concerned about BM ability to handle daughters, especially if an ADHD diagnosis comes.  OSD (8) is socially OK, but at the bottom of her class in all subjects.

BM is single and works a job that does not get the kids home until close to 7pm (and they haven't eaten dinner yet).  DH and I truly feel she is not capable of parenting these girls.  She lacks the skills and general common sense.  Her idea to calm YSD down was to give her COFFEE before school, thinking she'd run herself down and then calm down.  Guess what?  Didn't work!  The teacher was appalled.  We are concerned BM won't follow through with the Dr's suggestions etc.  She's a very inconsistent parent (to say the least!).  

DH and I have talked consulting an attorney about filing for custody if the ADHD diagnosis comes.  Opinion/experience on if this is enough or a start to change custody?    

[lucky]

Opinion (based on having ADHD kids) is it isn't enough.  ADHD/ADD is NOT something that MUST be medically treated.  It honestly is a personal choice by the parent(s) - and should be mutually agreed upon.

AND, I know of an RN who gave her child caffeinated soda and/or coffee to counter act the hyperactiveness of her child - she didn't believe in meds.

Truly, the main Rx's for ADHD/ADD are stimulants - what is caffeine?

Many adults with undiagnosed ADHD/ADD self-medicate with caffeine laden beverages.

If I had to do it again knowing what I do now, there isn't a snowballs chance that my kids would be medicated no matter WHAT a doctor ever said.

JMO, but you need more.  You might want to focus on the school issues as that is one of the things that got my dh custody of his OD.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[brwneyedmom]

I don't think the diagnosis of ADHD will be enough change of circumstance to warrent a change of custody.  My DS is 16 and was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade, starting meds in third grade.  My ex never believed that DS had learning problems until DS lived with him for a year, finally waking up to the issues the last month that DS lived with him.

Actually, DS swears by caffeine to calm his distractability; I guess it's individualistic.  I have noticed that he can focus in the evening better when he drinks a soda pop with caffeine. But then again, he's 16.

One thing you could do is have the meds given at school.  You'll know it's getting done and you'll have feedback from the school on how they work.  Another thing may be to find a parenting class and all three of you take it.  That way BM won't feel that she's getting singled out, and won't feel the need to get defensive.
 
Could you take the children after school until she gets off work? Or offer to pay for daycare at her home so the kids could get fed their dinner and get homework done?

Believe me, I tried everything for ADHD treatment.  Diet, behavior modification,meds- he's been on almost all of them and all but one had bad side effects.

You might consider asking BM if a temporary custody change would work.I finally gave up and let DS move in with his dad for a year.  After busting him with alcohol, pot, and cigarettes, PLUS the bad grades, I was happy to let his dad have a crack at him.  Nothing that I was doing was working, including meds and therapy.  We went through mediation and had a temporary custody agreement drawn up.  DS would stay for a year and his GPA would be a 2.75- he was at a 1.5 at the time.  My ex thought he could help DS attain a 3.0.  If DS failed to get a 2.75, he would return to my home if he wanted to.  DS was miserable at his dad's.  He got no medical care at all, no therapy, no help with his 504 plan at school, no accomodations for his learning problems, and he ended up with a 0.5 GPA.  I met with the teachers three times during the year, but they never saw my ex until the end of the year.  At that time, DS was begging me to come back and making all kinds of promises.  

DS and I drew up a behavior contract, signed it, and it's been honored by DS so far.  He's finally discovered that it's his education and he's the only one who has messed up.  I can't believe it took him 11 years to get to this point.  

 I would have never willingly signed over custody without making it as a temporary situation, dependent upon DS's grades and where he desired to be living.  After all, I was described by my ex as being completely uninvolved and apathetic about DS's education.  My ex is a piece of work himself, and not fit, in my opinion, to parent.  He sounds a lot like your BM.  

[Crockpot]

I was thinking about the ADHD combined with the poor school performance too.  I'll talk to DH about it.  

I didn't realize that caffeine was a treatment for ADHD.  I still don't agree to use it and then send child to school without knowing what will happen - it didn't work.  BM is no RN, that's for sure.  BM and DH both agree not to try meds unless as a last resort - so interesting that she would try caffeine  

BM would never give us temp custody.  In her words, "that B*tch is not raising my kids."  I would be the B*tch.  The girls have had such an unstable life with BM, we really believe they would thrive with us.  Maybe in time she'll get to the point where she'll give us a chance.  

YSD had her best day at school after spending the night and morning with us.  I know it's just one day, but I hope it's the start of a pattern.  

 

[lucky]

Ummm...  Caffeine isn't a "treatment" for ADHD.  It's something that happens to work for some people but I haven't met a doctor yet that would prescribe it.  And I wasn't trying to imply that if a person is an RN they would be able to determine the proper or correct treatment of ADHD.

[em]I still don't agree to use it and then send child to school without knowing what will happen.... BM and DH both agree not to try meds unless as a last resort - so interesting that she would try caffeine [/em] Interesting statements.  It doesn't matter what you think, nor what your dh thinks.  Perhaps she tried caffeine at home and it appeared to work - or the kid had a Coke and calmed down for a while and the ex decided to see if she was on to something.  How would you guys know that?  Also, I can't see how you can lump caffeine in with meds.  

I've been through hell with my dh's ex - same words said to/about me - for 15 years now.  I've learned enough to advise that you and your dh take a step back and attempt to remove the emotion from your view and try to find the true issues.

Maybe the ex is a poor parent, maybe not.  I know we weren't the best as we couldn't get past our animosity for dh's ex.  Still have trouble with that, but it's better.

Stop reaching and look for valid, supportable arguments to give a judge.  "I don't agree to use it (caffeine)" is NOT going to convince a judge to give you guys custody.  The judge is more likely to slap you guys on the hand and tell you to stop being frivolous.  And then order YOU to pay her attorney's fees.




[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Crockpot]

I never posted that I planned on going to court with the caffiene argument.  DH and I are trying to find the true issues.   I'm not completly new to the dynamic of the ex, new wife/SM friction (to say the least).        

What's with the hostility?  

I guess it's how you define 'treatment.'  If people use it to alter the behavior, then I see it as a treatment.  I wasn't implying anything negative when I made my comment, just stating I didn't realize people used it to combat ADHD symptoms.  

My comment about BM using the coffee was because BM said she wasn't going to use any medications (don't many say caffiene is a drug?), implying she wasn't going introduce anything into her daughter's body (that is what she meant by it).  They agreed to use behavioral methods or any other non-medication treatments the Dr suggested.  But by giving her daughter coffee, she's going against what she told DH she would do.  Just making the observation...

YSD is having serious issues with behavior at school.  I don't think it's wise to 'experiment' without talking to the other parent and teacher first.  I know it doesn't matter what I think, I'm stating my opinion.      

[lucky]

You guys can do what you want, but you seem fixated on trying to prove that BM is doing something wrong by giving the child coffee.

Would your dh have agreed to try giving your sd coffee?  If not, I can see why the BM went ahead and tried it.  As for the teacher being apalled, who cares?  90% of the teachers we've dealt with just want my son drugged to the gills (with "legitimate" meds) so they don't have to deal with him.

There [em]are[/em] some good teachers out there, we've had two that I can remember and my sister is a case in point.  Her masters thesis was on ADHD and treatments - traditional and non-traditional including behavioral.  She won't medicate her son, but gives him a special vitamin supplement and has him in treatment for anxiety as well as limiting milk.  He's doing very well.  She does NOT expect her students to be medicated either, she leaves that choice up to the parent and doesn't recommend for or against meds.  She feels that is a doctor's job, not the teacher's.

As for hostility, I apologize if I came across that way, it wasn't my intent.  I've been there, done that and my ex's wife ALWAYS thought she was smarter than me.  Funny how after they'd had custody for 6 months they didn't want to deal with my dd anymore - they took her off every treatment I'd had her on as well as discontinuing counseling - then they couldn't deal with her (major issues arose) - ummmm wonder why I had her on the medications and in counseling???  Unfortunately what you're saying and how you're saying it sounds an awful lot like my ex's wife did back then.

I can give you a couple things to try that don't include ANY medication or "drug", but for the first one, you, your dh, the BM and any childcare and school providers ALL have to agree to do it and strictly stick to it if you decided to do it.  Read the book:   [a href=http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Child-Doris-Rapp/dp/0688119077/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195739287&sr=8-1]"Is This Your Child?"[/a].  My son is 14 and won't do this, but if I could convince him to try it, I think it would make an incredible world of difference.  

Another thing to try is Tae Kwon Do or Karate.  They teach control as part of the process and I've heard good things from friends and co-workers - we put our son into Karate and if nothing else, he's getting his chores and homework done and coming home on time - it's a great threat to take it away because he loves it.  We'll see if anything else positive comes out of it, he's only been in it for three weeks so far.
 
[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[olanna]

As funny as it might sound, her logic meets the same logic as the ADD meds.  My son is also ADD, and was prescribed prescription "speed" to slow him down. If you think about coffee in that manner, it could have the same affect.

Now I am not saying that this is correct...just saying, the thought process isn't far from what the medical doc's are using. And by the way, I tried the meds for my ADD son...and I didn't see much of a change in his grades or behavior.  He is still a poor student....unless learning involves video games and skate boards.  :-)

I really doubt I would waste my money in trying for a change of custody because the child drank some coffee or that the child has ADHD.  Be happy your wife in law is working and send positive thoughts her way to be a better parent. Encourage both the children's father and mother to attend some local parenting classes together.  Your DH thought she was good enough to parent (at one point) and had children with her.  Work with her if possible. Keep the courts out of your lives.

Can you talk to her and ask her about additional time at your house?  Address it in a way that you are doing her a favor..you understand she is single and if the ADD diagnosis comes through, use that as a way of giving her a break from what must be a very trying child.

[olanna]

excellent advice, BEM...

If anything, the judge might award less time to the other parent, as ADHD children tend to do best with a very rigid and structured day. Switching around or changing their homes isn't a good idea and would probably be avoided until some behavioral improvement was observed.