dead-beat dad

[tulip]

I've been posting a lot about custody problems with my 2 skids, and now I am looking for some advice from a totally different point of view about my own daughter. She's 6, her dad and I were not married, and has never tried to establish any legal visitation rights. There is a support order in place, and the amount he is supposed to pay me is very small, because he had two kids when I met him, and he pays A LOT of support to their mother.

He has never visited my daughter regularly, just comes and goes, he has tried to be regular for a couple months before, but then screws up and doesn't show up for several months. She has had 5 dance recitals, he's been to none. He's never tried to find out what school she goes to or anything. Last fall he moved to Vegas, then San Diego (I'm in MN) and never called her or anything. In August he called me to tell me that he's back in town and in jail. He actually suggested I bring my daughter to visit him there! I told him to call back when he was out of jail. In Sept he called and asked if he could d up and take her out for lunch with her sisters. I let him, and he brought her back late, and I haven't heard from him since. He has not paid cs since Sept either.

Here's the part where I want advice. I want him to just stay out of our lives. All he does is break my child's heart. She prays for him every night when she goes to bed. My dh has been a gift from God to her and she knows it, but she wants her other Daddy too. When he decides to pop back into her life again, what do I do? I don't want to be one of those parents who keeps their child from the other parent, but I truly believe she is better off without him, and if she gets her hopes up again about having a relationship with him, she is only going to get hurt again. He has no legal right to her at all, I have allowed him to see her in the past, only because I thought it would not be fair to her if I didn't. But he is an alcoholic with at least 3 or 4 dwi's and he smokes pot a lot, so I always worry about that whenever she goes with him.

[nosonew]

Tulip, I know your heart is in the right place, but your brain isn't thinking.  You know she needs her biodad in her life...even if he is a deadbeat.  He loves her in his own way....and she loves him in her own way...and over time, she may decide she doesn't want to see him anymore, because it's too painful for him to come and go like that.

In the meanwhile, I would suggest that you not let her go by herself.  What if he took off with her or something?  That would be my fear.  I would tell him he could visit her for ____ hours at my home or that if he wanted to go to the park or something, you or dh would go along to supervise.  

What was he in jail for?  

Hang in there!

[kiddosmom]

i agree with nosonew.

[nerd]

I don't understand why you feel we need to allow people to jerk our children around like you are saying it is ok for tulips daughter's dad to do?  why do you think a child need someone like that in her life?  so you are saying we are to let grownup have the right to jerk our children's emotions right and left, break their hearts and only be there when it is conveinant for them and to hell with the feelings of the child??

I say your heart is not in the right place if you can advocate for this kind of emotional and mental abuse of a child.

Tulip, lay it on the line to child's father.... be there or be gone, be there consistantly or not at all.  Tell him to go away and when he can come back grown up enough and less selfish then he join in his child life, otherwise DO NOT ALLOW THIS MAN TO JERK WITH YOUR CHILDS HEART OR HEAD!   She needs consistant involvement and consistant love, and attention. and if dad is not willing to give it then let her get it from her stepfather.  

Look people... children need their father if they will be a positive, consistant role model in their lives.  We would not allow anyone else to jerk our children around like that, and we should not allow father's or mother's to do it either!  period.  

anyone advocating for fathers or mothers just because they are "fathers" or "mothers and advising a mother or father to have an anything goes and just do what you want to with my child's heart, head and emotions is WRONG< WRONG< WRONG!  No! the children do not need those kind of people in their lives.

[nerd]

I think you are very justified in the way you feel and please read my post in response to notsonew.

[MKx2]

While I agree in principle that contact between parent and child is of the UTMOST importance, I think there are a VERY few instances when it is definitely not in the best interst of the child to allow it.

Unless you are prepared to foot the bill for a lifetime of therapy for the potential long term effect of the "revolving door parent" then one needs to rethink the situation, and seek a professional opinion on it.

DH is a case in point.  While his emotional issues may be an isolated situation (and I don't think it is) the effects of his mother leaving the family, then re-appearing every couple of years has damaged him all but beyond repair.  Certainly as a teenager he begn to understand the facts, but by then the damage was done.  He has very real and debilitating issues with relationships -- he believes that ALL who profess to love him will eventually walk away from him, and that includes me.  We were separated for a year because of his drinking problem, and when we finally began the "negotiations" for reconciliation I asked him why he never ONCE said to me "don't go" ... his reply stunned me!  He told me it was useless to talk to me about it because he always expected I would leave because anyone who cared about him ALWAYS left.  In talking all of this out we BOTH learned this was completely due to the result of his mother using the revolving door in his life every couple of years.

Nerd is right, with one caution -- seek professional advice on it, put your child in counseling and then make the decision if you want to attempt to legally exclude visitation.

It is heart breaking to see the permanent and far reaching emotional damage to DH.

[nerd]

Thank you Mx2!  you said exactly what I wanted to say except you did it with so much more finesse.  I have seen the effects of parents who are in and out of their childrens lives.  I went through it as a child with my biofather.  It was horrible and it took me years to deal with it.  I was lucky in the respect that I had a loving stepfather who was ALWAYS there for me and as soon as I told myself that he was the dad who really cared for me, accepted that, and stopped letting my biofather jerk my emotions around, I could finally start living life the way a child is suppose to be able to live it.  But scars are hard to heal.  it was so hard to trust.  
Now I am much older, and I thank God that my mother and my stepfather refused to allow my biofather to screw me up further than he did.  they protected me from his guilt trips, bad decisions, emotional abuse, and being put into the position of "wishing, hoping, and dreaming"
I say give your children something real, consistant, and substantial to believe in , think about, and hope for, and trust.  

[tulip]

The day after I posted this I received the first contact I've had from bio-dad in months, in the form a notice of a court hearing at the end of this month to get his cs lowered. I don't really give a rat's butt about his money, he never paid me that much when he was paying anyway, but it makes me mad!

His paperwork was not even filled out completely. He didn't list the amount of his support order because he doesn't even know what it is. Actually, his sister filled out all the paperwork for him. In his expense worksheet, he listed $100/mo for children related expenses. This really made me laugh out loud. He hasn't even called his kids in several months, so how is he spending $100/mo on them?

[nerd]

I wouldn't worry too much about it.  He has to prove he has even paid child support and will have to show receipts for the hundreds of dollars he claims he is providing in goods or services above his cs payments.  
I don't think he has a chance in Hades of getting his cs lowered once the judge finds out he hasn't even been paying.  In fact, he might wind up spending some jail time over his manuever, unless he can prove a valid reason for not paying it, such as a chronic illness or handicap and then the judge will frown on him not bringing it to court long before now!
I just have to ask one question though... why shouldn't you care about the cs?  I know it is hard to get it from an unstable person, but keep trying anyway.  It sounds like this man needs to be taught some responsibility!  

[sweetnsad]

Are you sure you aren't dealing with my ex-husband???  Man, this all sounds so familiar, it's scary...