Help - Need Further Advice On Meeting With DH's Ex

[SallyandJack]

I need advice and possible strategy ideas from the experienced people on this site.

I have posted before and this is going to seem very inconsistent - actually it is inconsistent.  And that is because it is very difficult dealing with mental people and knowing what is best to do, which is why I need good advice.  Sorry  - this is long.

Brief Background:  My dh has a visitation agreement where he has to have a supervisor present given that fact that he is disabled.  That supervisor has always been 1 family member who is named in the order.  Anyone else needs to be agreed upon.  Upon our marriage, this family member became ill and I was the only one who could help. But his ex didn't want to agree to this right away.  She said she needed to 'get to know me'.  I was fine with that.  So we met a few times and since she couldn't find any dirt on me, she decided to lie about me.  His ex is the typical lunatic you see so many people on this site writing about - she is all about baiting, and alienating ect.  She is all about making his life difficult.  Keep in mind that she isn't trying to prevent me from seeing her child - I often go with my husband and the supervisor anyway, just to help out.  I have a healthy friendship with their child.  And I have no illusions as to who her parents are.  In fact - I don't even want this job...I am only doing this for my dh.

Anyway - not knowing quite how to deal with this, we put it on the backburner for a few months.  But in the meantime, my husband's parenting has been cut in half because the named supervisor is still ill.  He is old and probably will never be fit enough to resume the old schedule.

During this time, a few things have become clear to me.  
1st.  that my dh needs to ask the court for a better defined parenting plan
2nd. that his ex has completely emasculated him and he is going to have to step up to the plate sooner or later or risk his situation getting worse.  I cannot fight his battles for him
3rd  that my dh has made a lot of mistakes and who knows if he is ever going to be able to deal with this situation properly

Very depressing because it affects our future in a big way.

Anyway - a few weeks ago I was supposed to meet with my dhusband's ex.  I personally did not want to because I felt strongly that her reasons for meeting are malignant.  I could be the president and she will still find a reason to disagree with this new arrangement.  I had decided not to meet with her and my dh husband and his lawyer continued to beg me and said it would help his case if I met with her at least one more time out of good faith.   So in the end I relented.  

So fine...we met in a public place.  My dh, me, and her.  It was all very civil.  First 35 minutes were bs chitchat and then she started drilling me.  Did I have any history of mental illness?  When is the last time I saw my family?  Ect ect.  Stupid questions nevertheless I remained calm & professional and answered her idiotic questions as honestly & briefly as I could.  She even tried to bait me several times but she didn't get anywhere.  For example she asked me how I felt about her.  I  answered this with 'I am just anxious for you two to work out your problems' – what did she think I was going to say?...I want to be BFF? And she also said that she was concerned that I had anger issues towards her – to this I responded that I was concerned she had anger issues towards me by extension of her anger issues towards my husband.

I also told them both that they have serious issues that they are going to have to work out and I do not want to be pulled in the middle of this.  I am not the problem and I am not the solution.

So the end result of this 1.5 hr meeting went exactly how I predicted.  She still needs to meet with me at least 1 more time in order to 'determine my supervisory capacity'.  Well – lets face it...she will drag this thing out for as long as she can.

After consulting further with multiple lawyers they are saying that we have to do everything we can before going back to court.  If she wants to meet again, then do it.  This is madness in my mind because the writing is one the wall as to what the outcome of further meetings will be.  And at this point I don't want to further enable this madness.  Just go to court and be done with this one way or the other.

But - on the other hand, if & when my dh goes to court, she might look very sane telling a judge that she just 'needed to get to know me'.  And it wouldn't look good if I refused her the opportunity.  Therein lies the difficulty in dealing with this.

Someone suggested to us that if I decide to meet with her again to do it on my terms.  And my terms would be to invite her along when I am going out with a friend of mine.  What better way than to get to know me than to see me in a social situation.  And even though she is not my friend, I was nice enough to open up my personal life to her.  Of course, I wouldn't really be opening up my personal life to her.... the friend I have in mind is extremely politically savvy and would be a witness.  And since her reasons for meeting are malignant, she will most likely turn this type of opportunity down.  And if she does, then the onus would be on her for us not meeting.

The flip side of the above strategy is that she will say that she wasn't comfortable with that situation and suggested another time to which I refused.

Another thing I could do is simply tell her that I will meet with her one more time and at that point she is going to have to make a decision.  And if she cannot make a decision then the court will have to make a decision for her.  

I suppose I could do both of the above – first invite her to a social situation, and when she refuses, which she will, tell her that I will meet with her only 1 more time.

So – what does the board think aside from the obvious – which is to not allow them to drag me into their mess?  

Does anyone have any good ideas on how we could outsmart this b***tch in her own game.   Or any other thoughts?

[Peanutsdad]

My advise,, is tell your DH to grow a set.



quite simply,, him with no backbone or balls,, and her on a predatory hunt,, leaves you in a no win situation. DH has to grow up, stand up and fight for himself.

[Kimberly9]

Does your dh still need a supervisor?

I wouldn't try to get yourself named as a supervisor, but rather the court order modified to reflect unsupervised visitation.

That being said, I always error on trying to work things out anyway you possibly can without going to court.

So meet again. . . with a witness if at all possible and try to steer the meeting towards dh taking over his own parenting time.

[SallyandJack]

this is not a laughable situation but - LOL

[SallyandJack]

this is not a laughable situation but - LOL

[SallyandJack]

honestly, he does need someone while the child is young.  

and we would like to work it out as well without going to court.  it would be cheaper.  

BUT - there is no working anything out with his ex.  she is wicked.

I see court as inevitable.  But I also see the merrit in trying to make it look as though I was perfectly willing to meet.   After writing my post - and the more I think about it...I like the idea of setting a meeting on my terms.  She will never agree because it won't allow her to do what she wants.  But on my end...I come out looking good to the judge.  She wanted the favor of meeting me and getting to know me....if she couldn't make it then maybe it wasn't a priority for her.

[4honor]

And it needs to be put into the court order that way...
 ... "the father will have parenting time with the child on XX days at XX times until the child reaches XX age, so long as a child care assistant remains available at all times to aid him. No person having been tried and convcited of a felony may serve as child care assistant."... Blah blah blah.

[SallyandJack]

My dh is finally seeing the light and decided that he has to go to court  - because staying in this status quo is really only hurting his daughter.

But before his going to court I decided to offer her a final meeting (plus I was hoping to bait the bait queen) So...last Monday I  sent a lily-white email to his ex offering her a final meeting with me, which is what she asked for.  I knew she wouldn't meet.  She came back with - 'dh has to be present during our meetings'.  I asked why.  She came back with some crazy reason that I can sum up with one word - 'delay.'  I replied with ' u asked to meet me, you already know my dh, plus my dh is in the hospital (which he is for 2-3 weeks), I am giving you the opportunity to meet.  I will keep my calandar open until the 24th.  Beyond that I believe my dh's plans are to move foward.  She did not respond.  So basically I took control, and set a limit on her delaying ass.  Was there an ultimatum in there?  Sure.  But - we have no choice because she would delay indefinately and that isn't good for the child.

2 Days later I sent another lily-white email - 'just want to reiterate my invitation to meet.  It is so important that the child be able to see her father on a regular basis.  All we want is what is best for the child. (which of course is true)

She responded with an offer to meet in the hospital either Sun or Thurs for lunch. This way my dh can be present for the meeting.  Can you believe that?  Totally inappropriate.  Even after my dh called her and told her not to come to the hospital.  What a nut.  She thinks she is going to come to the hospital to manipulate my husband.  At this point, we are hoping that she does show up because it will make her look terrible when we go to court.

So I ignored this and again reiterated my offer to meet with her in a mutually convenient place Thurs for lunch and I suggested locations other than the hospital - again saying that meeting and resolving this issue as fast as possible would be in the child's best interest.

She replied with - how about Sunday at the hospital?

At this point I said, 'it is my understanding as per a vm my husband left you that his express wish is that you do not come to the hospital at all.  And I once again reiterated my offer to meet with her in a mutually convenient place.

I accomplished what I wanted and more.  She can never say to the judge that I refused to meet. I was pro-active and nice.  Plus, now I self-serving emails that prove what she has been doing all along.  If she decides she wants to meet, I am perfectly ready to do so.  But the 24th is the strike date...no meeting...no decision....my dh will file the motion

time to get the certifications ready

[SallyandJack]

very good suggestion - thank you

[nosonew]

What will it look like for dh to refuse the offer to meet with him present?  I understand he is hospitalized, and thus, you need to have info to state that "the additional stress of meeting with ex is not in his best interest regarding current health issues" or something like that.  Wouldn't hurt if you had a note on letterhead from the doctor.   Depending on his illness, it may also work outside of hospitalization. (just a thought!)

However, if stress does not interfere with whatever the problem is with your dh (I don't remember seeing what his illness is), then the courts may look at that in a negative light.

I am only writing this to have you look at this other possible option for the court to may at.  Be sure to have all bases covered!  Good luck!