Force Visitation?

[StPaulieGirl]

Being raised by parents old enough to be my grandparents,  exposed me to to standards not held by this generation.  There are no standards of decent behavior anymore.

Don't let them use you anymore.  I suggest sending them invitations for Thanksgiving and Christmas next month.  Of course considering the visitation schedule.  In my family, we generally don't send out cards for Thanksgiving, but we do for Christmas.  Send them a card with a photo of Santa, regretting their absence, and send them a nice present.  See how it goes.  Kids get away with far too much these days, and I think it's time to reign them back in.

My kids are pretty bad as far as this goes, and I've called them on the carpet for it.  Shame doesn't go far these days.  Always keep in mind that your baby is seeing more than you think he is.  You can't do anything to change their attitudes, besides withholding goodies that they feel that they're entitled to, but you can shape your little boy's life.

[msme]

should be given out of love, not out of obligation. They're his kids & he loves them, no matter what.  Of course, the quality & quantity of the gifts should be based on behavior & maturity. If I were you, I would base my Christmas shopping on that premise.

I would also drop them a note, telling them that you are starting your holiday shopping & if there is something particular they want, they should let you know. That way you can choose something that they will really enjoy but just not the quantity they will be expecting.

If they say something, he can just ask them if someone was rude to them, hateful, wouldn't visit them & generally treated them like crap, just how much would THEY spend on gifts for those people?

Who knows, you might just get through to them.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Kitty C.]

.........if it were me, the ONLY thing they'd be getting from me would be a card!  I also remember someone saying once about making a charitable donation in the kids' names, then telling them about it in the card.  The premise would be that since they don't apear to give a damn about their father, he would spend the Christmas/birthday money somewhere where it would REALLY BE APPRECIATED, but would still be letting them know he cared for them, even if they didn't for him.

Just MIGHT make them think............

[evilstep]

OMG!!!  What a fabulous idea!  Year before last, we attempted to start a "family" tradition of each of us choosing a name from the Salvation Army Angel Tree, and purchasing a gift to be given to that child--of course, his kids acted like it was the dumbest thing they've ever had to do, and dragged their feet the whole time while DH and I shopped for the gifts.  This is the perfect solution--DH gets to acknowledge his kids, I'm not forced to buy them gifts that they don't deserve, and a less-fortunate child benefits in the process...excellent!!  Thank you so much!

[Kitty C.]

We do that at our church, we have an Angel Tree and you just take a paper 'ornament' from the tree that specifies what age of child, size if for clothes, or what specific toy they want.  We have familes that are referred by local agancies, last year we had three families.

If you can also participate in delivering the gifts, and have the kids go with you, I think it would be a HUGE eye opener to them.  Or volunteer at a homeless shelter serving a meal.  Our church is also in charge of the local free lunch program once every three months at a local homeless shelter.  I haven't taken DS to help, but I plan on it very soon.  If he ever starts grousing about what HE wants, I plan to give him a dose of reality!

But I think part of the reason why he doesn't much is because I already volunteer a LOT in the community and he sees that.  That could be another way to show them...by your actions.  I know that actions always spoke louder than words with what my parents did and I know that it certianly has an effect on DS with what I do.  He's also gone on mission trip with the church youth group last year to New Mexico.  I hope to go with him and the group next summer when they go to Appalachia.  I have been told that NOTHING can prepare you for what you see and do on a mission trip there and that it can be life-altering.

[wendl]

LIfe is to short to not see your parents, as a child at times I didn't want to go to my dads, but he did what he could to have a space of my own at his house.

What my dad did to help was every saturday night he let me have a friend spend the night then Sunday mornings he took myself and girlfriend out to breakfast and I still can remember how much fun my dad and I and my friend had at those breakfasts.

I lost my dad to cancer when I was in highschool and I am so thankfull for all the time I was able to share with him.

I can admit when my dad got married I hated my stepmom, she was sooo oldschool it drove me nuts, but my stepmom stood by her beliefs and let me tell you she is my rock now, I love her so much.

:)

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[annas mom]

Hi there. Sounds like you're having a rough time. As a custodial parent and a child of divorce I just wanted to give you my thoughts.  
It is very normal for children entering their teens and throughout their teens to resent you as a 'step' parent. Remember that their world has been turned upside down, children of this age often still dream of their parents reuniting. Their 'CP' may not necessarily be to blame for their feelings (trust me, my stepdad and I had daily arguments for at least 3 years after he and my mom married. Sidenote - now I love him to death!). All you can do is continue to try and hope for the best. Do not push them away because ultimately this will cause problems between you and Dad.
Also remember that as teenagers their personal lives will require much, much  more of their time. They want to be free to spend time with their friends when they're not in school. Tell your husband to try and work with them. I know that alot of times I had plans with friends on Friday nights, so my dad would come and pick me up around 10 on Saturday morning and we would spend Sat and Sun together.  As they get older, schedules will get more hectic, so try to implement a plan of working with the kids to schedule visitation now and hopefully that will encourage them to ask for altered visitation time instead of just deciding not to come at all. Also, try to involve yourself in their lives. Your family should try to attend events that they are involved in, such as ball games, school events ie 'PTO', school concerts, scounting events...they may act like they don't care if you come, but in the end it will show them that you care and that you are committed to being a part of their lives.
Also, at some point during each visit have Dad set aside time to do something just with them. It could be as simple as going to McDonald's for lunch or playing basketball in the driveway. Anything to show them that although he is remarried and has a new family, they are still very important to him. This should also give you and your son a break.
Tell Dad to call them often, send them cards, letters, anything to show that he's thinking of them.  When they don't visit, call and let them know that you all miss them and you love them. Children thrive on love and attention and if you continually show them that, they will eventually respond.
Once again, these are just my thoughts, but I hope they help. I wish you all the best in the years to come!