Affair Partner Overnights and Vacations

[Catwoman]

I am amazed at your ability to sense me out as a vengeful, spiteful bitch when you have never met me or understand anything about the mediation process we are using to end our marriage.  

Am I dictating who my STBXH sees?  No.  He can see anyone he chooses, and have whatever relationship with them he would like to have.  

Am I dictating how he will live?  No.  He can do what he pleases.

Am I asking for a parenting plan to include a restriction on EITHER parent having overnight opposite sex guests present in their home while the children are there?  Yes.  This is in the childrens' best interest.  

Any stipulation such as this made in the parenting plan APPLIES TO BOTH PARTIES.  Are you aware of this?  

I was hoping for a discussion of the issue, not a personal attack.

[Brent]

>I am amazed at your ability to sense me out as a vengeful,
>spiteful bitch when you have never met me or understand
>anything about the mediation process we are using to end our
>marriage.  

I never said anything of the sort. Please don't put words in my mouth or attribute things to me I never said. I never made any remarks along the lines of "vengeful, spiteful bitch", nor anything even close. It's interesting that you would choose to misinterpret my words that way.



>
>Am I dictating who my STBXH sees?  No.  He can see anyone he
>chooses, and have whatever relationship with them he would
>like to have.  

Except you get to control who is physically allowed in his home when the Sun goes down.



>Am I dictating how he will live?  No.  He can do what he
>pleases.

Unless he wants to have someone stay the night, then suddenly it's your business.



>Am I asking for a parenting plan to include a restriction on
>EITHER parent having overnight opposite sex guests present in
>their home while the children are there?  Yes.  This is in the
>childrens' best interest.  

You're like the people who want to pass anti-gambling or anti-whatever bills. They're never the ones who would actually be affected by the bill. You never hear them saying "Pass this law to stop ME from gambling!", it's always "Pass this law to stop THEM from gambling!".

Of course you want a provision like this in the decree because it won't affect you.


>
>Any stipulation such as this made in the parenting plan
>APPLIES TO BOTH PARTIES.  Are you aware of this?  

See above. You're seeking to control him through the courts. Cut it out. Deal with it, and move on, or spend the next 20 years obsessing over it and letting it drive you crazy.


>I was hoping for a discussion of the issue, not a personal
>attack.

You just don't like what you're hearing, and the fact that I'm not going to sugar-coat it for you.

[TwoBoys]

Im sorry, but this is ridiculous.

I was in a similar situation with my sons father, but you know what, its not my business.  Nor is this yours.

You had two children by this man, and you were married to him im assuming for at least 16 years.  I hate to say ti, but hes not endangering the children, and this is what you must come to terms with.

Now, with that said, the other thing that makes your request ridiculous is the fact that this would also make it so that he couldnt even have a new wife stay the night.  What if he should get married?  would it suddenly be ok?

What exactly are they being exposed to?  A new woman?  A relationship between their father and another woman that they already know of?  Overnights?  Im sure you two slept together for the duration of your marraige, whats so awful about it now?

Im sorry, you have bigger battles to fight.  If this is your biggest concerns with your childrens' father, then you ought to think about how lucky you have it.  I hear nothing from you about him or his GF mistreating or neglecting the children.  Therefore, there are no issues for you to be concerned with while they are at his house on his time.

Good luck.

TwoBoys...

[gipsy]

My post was about me going to say TO THE JUDGE,  exactly ,what you are saying , Except I am the Dad and Its the mother that has had a few different boyfriends , I do not appreciate My son being exposed to these different boy friends ,
 I am In agreement with you BUT!!! I kept my post to the point , the POINT is the judge didn't make any ruling about this in My case !!! I was trying to give you that Info , I am not offended By your post , I am not here to make battles with you , Of all things I understand that all this is tough , I don't like the fact that the latest boy friend went to the school with my son on fathers night , This has been a problem with  Mom , And I dislike the whole Idea , But I also have to realise . And so do you !! In My case I said what I said TO THE JUDGE AND THE JUDGE DID NOT MAKE ANY RULING , tHIS DOES NOT MAKE ME HOSTILE  , I think you will get the same reaction if you took this to the judge , Sorry !
   I think you are doing good because you are letting the kids have there visits . I will warn you the end result that started to culminate In My situation , And Other people I know personally , NO matter who is wrong  kids will eventually get tired of all of this , And both parents No matter who is right or wrong ,

[wendl]

Come on now your kids are old enough to know that adults have over night guest,s they are exposed to this via TV, at friends houses etc everyday.

If the kids do not like having to babysit while at dads, they are old enough to talk to dad about this.

As long as he is not endangering the kids, it won't be a big deal in court, and IF you were to get it ordered I know a few who have it in their orders and they and their ex break that rule but no one give a crap as it is NOT endangering the kids.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kimberly9]

Most judges won't allow the moral clause to go into the parenting plan.   Even if it is allowed into the plan, it is impossible to enforce.

It sounds like your stbxh already knows how you feel.  I don't think writing a letter will effect it one way or the other.

I would suggest you let this one go.  There are so many other more important issues to deal with.  

[kitten]

>Im sorry, you have bigger battles to fight.  If this is your
>biggest concerns with your childrens' father, then you ought
>to think about how lucky you have it.  I hear nothing from you
>about him or his GF mistreating or neglecting the children.
>Therefore, there are no issues for you to be concerned with
>while they are at his house on his time.


Sorry we all seem harsh, but twoboys is right here.  If this is your biggest concern about your childrens well-being, then thank your lucky stars.  Most of us here have been put in a situation where children we love are being abused and the court has stripped our parental right to protect them.  Imagine that.  

[Davy]

Oh PLEASE !  Catwoman's concerns are very legimate and I certainly do not believe those opposing that view are in a majority anywhere especially with the presence of young teens.  This is not paticularly a prudish or moral view.  

Try thinking in these terms.  The children love both parents and all they've ever known is "mom and dad".  Then, on top of of the frustration and anxiety of the breakdown of the family, a REDEFINITION occurs and "mom and dad" become "Bimbo and Bozzo" which leads the children to more DYSFUNCTION and ABUSE...anger and rebellion ... then on to their own sexual exploitation, alcoholism, drug abuse, fighting, guns and knives, educational problems, .... bearing children out of wedlock (often for society to provide for), prison, suicides ... ... ...

In my particular case, I did not make my wife's living arrangement a big deal although I was keenly aware of the damage such a situation could cause the children.   My attorney must have mentioned to the judge (huge on juvenile delinquency) because the judge asked Bimbo about Bozzo and she replied that Bozzo was a family friend ...... I basically laughed knowning Bozzo had impregnated Bimbo's older sister and that baby had been put up for adoption (to save the family's good name).  

Without a request, the judge ordered that unenforceable clause.  I guess he figured since Bimbo refused to comply with any other clause or order one more "feel good look good warm and fuzzy" clause or order would not mount to a hill of beans.

One might say that since Bimbo, Bozzo, and the judge are out of control then it is understandable that the the kids are out of control.  Well, I DID NOT THINK IT WAS OK for the kids to be out of control and since it sure SEEMED I was "in control" I said so and did something about it.    

[Brent]

>Catwoman's concerns are very legimate

Her concern may or may not be legitimate, but her intentions are not.

>The children love both parents and all they've ever known
>is "mom and dad". Then, on top of of the frustration and
>anxiety of the breakdown of the family, a REDEFINITION
>occurs and "mom and dad" become "Bimbo and Bozzo"
>then on to their own sexual exploitation, alcoholism, drug
>abuse, fighting, guns and knives, educational problems,
>.... bearing children out of wedlock (often for society to
>provide for), prison, suicides ... ...

We seem to have jumped from "having a guest overnight" to it being the basic cause of society's collapse. That's more than a bit simplistic, actually, but the fact is change happens.  (You forgot the part about "dogs and cats sleeping together, worlwide chaos,....")


Look, it's NOT realistic or sensible to draw up repressive, intrusive, and completely artificial "guidelines" for your ex-spouse to live by in their own home.

This is not a detriment to the children, and Catwoman should stop obsessing over who her ex is having spend the night. It's ridiculous.

[kitten]

Yes, her concerns are legitimate.  However, stirring this up will only make it that much more difficult for the kids to adjust to life.  Some things are better left alone.  Davy, you sound very angry.  Sorry about your pain.