Affair Partner Overnights and Vacations

[Catwoman]

My STBXH and I are in agreement regarding visitation except that he feels it is okay for his affair partner (whose involvement with his life ended our marriage) to stay overnight AND to participate in an upcoming vacation with our children.

Legally, does it hurt my position if she goes on this vacation with him and I still want a morals clause in our parenting plan regarding overnights with persons of the opposite sex?  

He has not told me that this vacation includes the affair partner and her children.  Should I write a letter to this effect stating my position so that if they do go on this vacation together, I have gone "on record" as far as this topic goes?

Cat

[Brent]

>Legally, does it hurt my position if she goes on this vacation
>with him and I still want a morals clause in our parenting
>plan regarding overnights with persons of the opposite sex?  

The courts don't care about this stuff, as it's not really relevant to the kids unless they're in real, live danger from this person.

You normally cannot get a morals clause. Stop trying to control his life- he's allowed to sleep with whoever he wants, like it or not. So can you, and you wouldn't want him telling you what you can or cannot do when the kids are in the house.



>He has not told me that this vacation includes the affair
>partner and her children.  Should I write a letter to this
>effect stating my position so that if they do go on this
>vacation together, I have gone "on record" as far as this
>topic goes?

Give it a rest and find something else to worry about. Making a huge issue out of this will only make you look petty and will NOT help your case- in fact it may hurt it. Let him live his life and you live yours. You don't have to like this person, but you don't have any control over the situation. Who he has sex with is NOT your business, even if the children are in the house. Unless they're doing it in front of the kids, you have no claim to control who he decides to date or what he does.

[gipsy]

what My feel is from being around this !!
   At trial I did bring up the fact that I did not want my son around whom ever The latest boy friend is etc ,And guess what / It [seemed] the judge did not Like the idea , But  I can  say there was no effect or ruling as a result of me saying that ,
    It all seems that the question is , How is this going to effect the children ,

[Catwoman]

Why are you so hostile?

[kitten]

>Why are you so hostile?

Because it is petty.  Like the many false accusations that alot of men have to deal with from vindictive ex's.  Please pick your battles more wisely.  Maybe the kids love her and her kids and are looking forward to the vacation.  The sooner you accept that he's moving on, the better off everyone especially your children will be.  I've been on both sides of this fence.  I know 3 children destroyed by their mother's jealousy and petty litigation. I also know how hard it is to accept another woman loving your children, but acceptance is the only way to make it ok for your children.  Mine are happy and love their Dad's gf and don't have to feel bad about it.  How about yours?

[kitten]

I sure hope you did not tell your children that Daddy had an affair.  Not a burden children should have to carry for you.

[Catwoman]

My children (16 and 13) know about the affair.  Dad was not discreet, and this is not his first affair.

Why is it vindictive to want their father to spend time with THEM?  When they stay overnight with him, they babysit the GF's children while the two of them go out.  This has bred considerable resentment.  It's not that I don't want them to have contact with her, I just do not feel it is right for them to be exposed to their father having a girlfriend staying overnight while they are present.  He has them 6-8 night a month (HIS choice, not mine--he is welcome to have them as often as he wishes--he just doesn't wish very often), so I don't understand why this would be such an issue.  

I see someone, and I have no problems with him not staying overnight while my daughters are there (and I have them the majority of the time).  It is not the example I wish to set for them.

This is not an issue of moving on--it is setting an example for our children to follow.  They know full well what is going on behind closed doors.  They don't need to have their noses rubbed in it.  

[Brent]

>My children (16 and 13) know about the affair.  Dad was not
>discreet, and this is not his first affair.

So dad may be a jerk when it comes to interpersonal relationships. He still has the right to see whoever he wants (just like you do) and to have them at his home (just like you do) and to invite them to spend the night (just like you do).


>I just do not feel it is right for them
>to be exposed to their father having a girlfriend staying
>overnight while they are present.  

Key words: "I feel..." What you feel is fine, but it doesn't give you the right to dictate how he lives his life.

What if you decided you wanted a friend to stay the night? Should your ex-husband have the right to tell you that you can't do that?



>I see someone, and I have no problems with him not staying
>overnight while my daughters are there (and I have them the
>majority of the time).  It is not the example I wish to set
>for them.

And that's your choice, which is fine, but it's not his choice. Get used to the fact that you cannot control what he does. Like Kitty said, pick your battles.


>This is not an issue of moving on--it is setting an example
>for our children to follow.  They know full well what is going
>on behind closed doors.  

So....what's the problem? The kids know about it, so it's not like it's a secret. Your personal moral values are yours to decide, but not his. And it doesn't sound like he's doing anything harmful to the children. Again, what if you wanted your friend to stay the night? Should your ex-husband have the right to tell you that you can't do that?


>They don't need to have their noses rubbed in it.  

And maybe they don't need you trying to control dad's life.

[Brent]

>Why are you so hostile?

Why are you using emotionally biased terms to describe my post?

Apparently if you don't hear people telling you that you're right, it's "hostile". That's bullshit.

You didn't come here for advice, you came here for validation. When you don't have a chorus of people yelling "You go, girl!", then we're being hostile.

Well, you've got some learning to do, and you better face the fact that you will NOT be able to dictate who your EX-husband sees or when they're "allowed" to be at *his* house.

Would YOU accept this kind of restriction, having your ex decide who you can and cannot have at your home, and when they can be there?  I doubt it.

[kitten]

>My children (16 and 13) know about the affair.  Dad was not
>discreet, and this is not his first affair.
>
>Why is it vindictive to want their father to spend time with
>THEM?  When they stay overnight with him, they babysit the
>GF's children while the two of them go out.  This has bred
>considerable resentment.

IF in fact this really has bred resentment between Dad and the children, then that is something only Dad can change.  

>This is not an issue of moving on--it is setting an example
>for our children to follow.  They know full well what is going
>on behind closed doors.  They don't need to have their noses
>rubbed in it.  

Setting an example?  At 13 and 16, they already know what Dad's about and for that matter, you too.  Sounds like the only one with anything on their nose is you.  Don't get in the middle of your children and their Father's relationship, it's not your job anymore.  Offer guidance when needed and remember your own words "they know full well what is going on behind closed doors."  They don't need you to exasperate the "issue".