Innocent Victim

[worriedmom]

I am a married mom of 3 boys. My oldest son sees his BF every other weekend and some holidays. We agreed on joint custody but I have sole guardianship. Everything was going great with his BF until I got married to my husband almost a year ago. Since I have been married my ex has been saying things to my 5 year old son. My son comes home and tells me that he is scared of his BF because he told him that if he listens to my husband or calls my husband dad he will get spanked and his toys will b taken away. He has also told me that if he doesnt hurt his 2 yr old brother then the bad guys from jail will come kill him. My son wants to call my husband dad bc my husband is more of a dad to him than his BF. We dont force the issue but I told him when he is at our house he can call my husband whatever he wants. We dont force him in any way. Its all up to him. I called his BF last night to tell him that our son has to stay home from school bc he has a 103.8 fever. He wasnt there so I told his new GF. He never called to see how he was or anything...He doesnt show up for any extra cirricular events that the school puts on and he never called him on his first day of kindergarten to see how his day went. He has yet to ask me about how he is doing in school. My son gets his heart broke everytime he tells his dad to come to a school event. My son started karate and asked me where his dad was bc his dad said he was coming. I dont know how to let him down easy. I just tell him that maybe he had to work late. He is always late picking him up and early dropping him off. He has also lied to me everytime he talks to me. He was arrested in front of my son and told me he was working. We have mediation scheduled but I dont know exactly how to address these concerns to where he doesnt get mad and say something to my son while he is in his custody. He has been threatning him and he does pot and meth. Which i cant prove. I am worried about my son and the state wont listen to a 5 yr old. HOw can i make the mediation successful or how can I get him away? Lawyers say I have no case and my son is going to a psychologist to help him deal with his father. Please help....

[jilly]

Get court ordered drug testing.  If that comes back positive, use that as your grounds for limiting, or at least supervised, time with BF.  You could also use the psychologist to help bolster your case.

In what State do you live?

[worriedmom]

 thankyou for responding, i live in missouri. I have tried to order drug testing but a lawyer told me i have to have physical proof to show a judge in order to get them to grant my request for drug testing.

[dontunderstand]

Then you will have to go around the system, quite simply you need to get a private investigator.  I know it is expensive, but honestly it can get you the proof you need and in a hurry and it will eliminate the court ordered testing, because it will already be porven.
When BF breaks promises, don't make a big deal out of it or talk bad about BF.  I have just told my 6 yr. old that her BF doesn't know how to be a dad right now, hopefully someday soon, but not right now.  It won't heal everything, but it is something they can grasp until they realize for themselves.  Just don't talk bad about BF no matter what.  Your son will see that and have a GREAT respect for you and will not resent you.  
I know it is hard, but hang in there...

[joni]

keep on with the psychologist too, that'll be your independent party and anything admitted to the psych can be evidence for the court.  if there's something there, it'll eventually come out.

[worriedmom]

OK well things might b worse but i would liketo thank ALL of u for your comments, I have certainly put them all to use or kept in mind.
I went to mediation last weekend (9-18-05) and i think by going, things became worse. This update is going to be a couple posts long but i want all the information in this so you can get a good picture and then I can understand your advice better if you choose to reply. ALL replies welcome whether you agree, disagree or indifferent. I need to know if what I am doing is right for my son. I am a young mother and this is my first child of 3 so i really have a lot to learn still. Here's my outline i made for mediation/list to discuss with my sons dad. The next post will b his comments to each topic and the mediators comments. NOTE: During mediation i did NOT at all accuse him of anything on the list. I asked him for his input on our sons behavior that has suddenly occurred in the past 7 months.

Mediation List of Things to Discuss
1. Not Being Involved with Lukis- Facts
A. Kindergarten Night- didnt show up
B. Kindergarten Screening (I asked him to go)- didnt show up
C. Karate Nights- dosent come when he tells lukis he will be there
D. First Day of Kindergarten- never even called to ask how it went
E.Hasnt asked how hes doing in school
F. Hasnt wanted to see his work hes been doing
G. Called him to let him know about 103.8 fever- never called back

2. Not informing me of Changes
A. His GF's hospitalization-I let him have him 3 days that were my week and asked him to call if anything changed (she was going in labor)
She was sent home that night and he never called
B. His GF (i had never met) brought Lukis home and told me BD was helping dad (Lukis told me he went with the police and BD told me he was working)

3. Physical Appearance when brought back after 2 days
A. Dirty/ Stinks
B. Black Bags under eyes
C. Shaky
D. Returned Lukis in 95 degree heat with a 2T Sweatshirt(he wears a 6) and 3T pants (he wears a 7) and put on his coat. None of these clothes were the clothes I sent with him.

4. Picking Fights with my son around
A. Lukis's Birthday (He was only supposed to have him from 9-6 and argued that I couldnt have him until 2 days after his bday when he knew i had a party planned at 8.)
B. Sent him home with no underwear and told me I have all his underwear (yelling at me)
C. I wrote him a "truce" letter offering parenting classes for parents that live apart ( Parenting Together Living Apart- name of classes)- he never responded and refused parenting classes with me
D. His GF cussing me out in the background when I am trying to talk to him (my son was at his house and i could hear him crying hysterically) so I hung up to hopefully stop the yelling over there.

5. Violence
A. He lets him play a MA rated game that i asked him to not let him play bc he comes home being violent towards my 2 yr old.
B. Play fighting is ok but he doesnt stop when my son asks him to so he ends up being upset and not wanting to go back

6. Concerning things Lukis says when he comes home
A. Our house is not his home
B. If he doesnt hurt his brother then the bad guys from jail will come kill him
C. He doesnt have to listen to us because his dad says so
D. If he calls my husband dad then he will get spanked
a. Scared of dad because of this
E. He is not supposed to love us when he is at his dads
F. He does not get showers or baths- begs for a shower the night he comes home
G. Police officers are bad-doesnt like them ( I am in the police academy to be a police officer)
H. Lukis questioning me about his BD going away with the police
I. Swearing at us and using discriminating words towards other races (e.g. N****R, B***H, F***ER, and many more)
J. His BD is mean to his GF and he doesnt like it
K. Asked why his dad calls me a B****

7. Smoking weed around my son
A. Wasnt able to tie Lukis's shoes, took him 3 trys on each shoe, moving slowly, and avoiding any eye contact or conversation with me
B. Lukis rolled up a peice of paper like a joint(licked it and twisted the ends then acted like he was smoking it)

8. Calling Lukis names
A. F***ER- I have yelled at him for saying this to him, I was present when this occurred
B. Prick- Lukis asked me to tell him not to call him this bc it hurts his feelings
C. Whiny baby- Upset Lukis and he wouldnt talk to us because "I am just a whiny baby" Lukis's exact words


This is my mediation outline, I am going to post his remarks and as you may have gathered in the beginning of post that it didnt go very well.

[worriedmom]

Here is my sons BD comments:

1A. NO REPLY, Just shrugged at me
B. His boss wouldnt give him a long lunch
C. Doesnt get off work in time and has another child at home to worry about ( I have 2 other children as well)
D.NO REPLY, just shrugged
E.He says he asks Lukis
F. NO REPLY, just shrugged
G. NO REPLY, again just shrugged

2A. He says I wasnt "specific enough"
B. Says He was at work

3A. Says I send him dirty and he stinks- denied not giving him bath
B.He doesnt sleep all night, stays up and watches TV
* Sleeps all night at my house
C. NO REPLY
D. says they were the clothes I sent him in and that I dont give his clothes back

4A. Says I wasnt supposed to have him at all that weekend
B. Says I dont send him in underwear so he sends him back in his underwear and he had no underwear on when returned because he didnt have any
C. He didnt want to go to parenting classed because "he doesnt need them." but he did recieve the letter
D. Says my husband does the same thing and denied his GF doing it
*My husband leaves the room when we talk so he doesnt have the want to get involved.

5A. Doesnt play that game anymore
B. Always stops when lukis wants to- Lukis comes home and says otherwise

6A. NO REPLY- Shrugged and grinned
B. Doesnt know where he got it
C. Denied saying that to him
D. Denied saying that to him
E. Denied
F. Denied
G. Shrugged and grinned NO REPLY
H. Denied, (2 different stories between him and his GF)
I. Says uses the N word as a slang toward his friends "not a big deal"
J. Says "everybody fights"
* I dont ever argue in front of my kids
K. Denied calling me a B****


He pretty much turnedeverything I said and made it look like it was coming from me and the mediator was fishing him excuses like:

"well you couldnt make it because I imagine you were at work"
"did you give him notice?"
"well you probably just didnt have the time bc of your new baby"
* I have a 2 month and 2 yr old *
"maybe you should let him take him every wednesday to let him catch up"

and many more the only thing she said in my defense was the parenting classes. I dont think she was mediating very well. She would fish him these excuses and of course he would agree to them. She gave me a bad attitude the entire time. I think I just made things a lot worse. Any comments appreciated. I feel like a fool that I actually thought he would want to talk and work on working together. I feel like I may have put my son in more danger. I am scared of what hes going to do to Lukis because he knows lukis told me all this.

One more thing- During mediation BD left my son outside in the truck with his grandpa and GF and they didnt have the truck on in 100 degree weather. My son got in my van and told me he didnt feel good because he was too hot. He was flushed out and ready to pass out. He was also in a long sleeve shirt and pants. This really ticked me off. Mediation was 3 hours long.

I feel like I am just going to have to wait unitl my son is dead or hospitalized b4 I can do a damn thing about this.

[dsm]

To me, it sounds like you went in with good intentions and put a good faith effort out there.   Is there a followup appointment scheduled?   Is there a GAL assigned to speak for your son?

For the points about school and his lack of involvement......as pathetic as it is, I think you are going to have to let this go.  It is entirely his choice whether he will be involved with what is happening in your son's life or not.  And your son sadly will learn that he will have to rely on you and your husband for his emotional support.   Now, what I would do, is just continue to keep your ex aware of what is going on - send him copies of the school calendar and notice of programs and the like.  And that's as far as you need to go with that.  If he doesn't get involved, that's on him.   Notify him of medical issues when they come up.  If he chooses not to return the phone call, that's again on him.  You do what you have to do.   He wants to use his other child as an excuse - so be it.  Let it go.

For the issues surrounding the clothes.....many many families have issues with this.  About all I can suggest to prove what you send him with, is to take a picture of him and of his suitcase before he leaves, and immediately upon you picking him up again.   What we finally ended up doing with my SD is keeping a separate wardrobe for her here at our house so even when her mom would pack something for her, it just stayed right in the bag it was sent in and she would wear what we had here.   For you, it may not be that easy of a fix......make the camera your friend - video, photograph, etc.

I'll have more.......gotta pick up my daughter......I'll be back......

==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 16
LO - 9
BB - 2
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam (4 months) Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[dsm]

Okay, now you've had a night to sleep on it.  Sorry I didn't get back here last night.....homework, 2 yearold not wanting to settle down.....*sigh*

Back to you.....

I just re-read your post with his responses......one of the first things that caught my attention was that this guy is going to use any excuse in the book to his advantage.  Therefore, you give him enough rope to hang himself.   One of his issues was that you weren't specific enough (see point 2A).....okay, so you be EXTREMELY specific about what is going on with your son.....  I already suggested for involvement with school to send him copies of the calendar and notice of the various programs, plays, etc.  For those items, in your cover letter, explain that included are copies of x,y,z and he can contact school at 000-000-0000 with any questions.  Keep copies of  your letter AND the inclusions for your documentation file - also your receipt from post office of it being delivered (let me know if you need further explanation on this - there are various options to use).  For things regarding health and routine exams, again, give him notice of the routine stuff (dental, physicals, etc) in writing and keep a copy with proof of delivery.  For the last-minute or emergency situations, you call him and let him know.  And then you followup with a letter afterward of what happened.

For the situations where your son is talking of rough-housing, name-calling, and other emotional crap from your ex.....For now, I think you need to step back and monitor.  Keep encouraging your son to talk to you - tell him that no matter what, he can trust you and that you will do what's best for him.  If there is any talk any more of him not being able to sleep over there, fighting going on over there, name-calling, rough-housing that doesn't stop when he asks for it to, or if you see things continue with your son being violent with your younger kids, look into counseling for him.  And of course you'll need to notify your ex of the counselor, but that can also come to your advantage to help to be a voice for your son that is not biased.

Now, for the way that your son was held inside of a van in 100 degree weather......Did you have anyone with you to witness this?  Did you take him to a doctor?  Did you and your ex come out of mediation together and he see this as well?  This just ticks me off too.  And this is where if there is a GAL assigned to your case, you should let the GAL know what is happening.  If there is not one, when you go in for the review of the mediation, you should be requesting that one be assigned and that you do not feel that mediation worked - no agreement was reached and no solutions realized.   And if your son comes home with any unexplained marks or bruises, you take pictures, and you keep it documented.  Get him talking with a counselor and keep him talking with you.  You and your DH be a bit more patient with him and realize that the things that he pulls may be deep-rooted due to the stuff he is hearing at his dad's house.

And.....it may come necessary for you to restrict the time he is at his dad's.....review with a lawyer, but after you have some patterns built up, and things not changing, or getting worse, you have a case for refusing to let this continue or let your son be subjected to the crap that is dished out.   If he were to bring you in on contempt of court charge, you'll have your answer in your documentation.  But again, this is last resort and one that you should consider carefully.

For now.....what is the game plan?  When do you meet again with the mediator?  when is the next time your son is to go to his dad's?  How are things going this week?
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 16
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam (4 months) Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[worriedmom]

Thank you, I am going to do exactly what youve suggested. Its better than any idea I had. Um Lukis is going to a psychologist and she told us what is going on (that she sees). She has diagnosed him with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my ex that was verbally abusive to me and physically abusive with my middle son (my exs biological son) but its getting worse and it shouldnt be because hes been away from that situation for almost 3 yrs. He also has attachment disorder because I had him when I was 16 so I was still in school and had a night job. He only saw me an average of 3 hours a day for 3 yrs but she also knows that something is going on over there because she is telling us to get child services involved and see what they can do based on the facts.  Nobody else was there to see this except BD's GF and father. He did however tell the mediator he was in the truck but she didnt know the truck wasnt on. I dont know if they have follow up mediation, she never said anything about one. My son goes back to his fathers house on October 2nd. This week things are going a little smoother but he still says weird stuff the whole time we have him then he comes back worse then kind of lets off again, and thats how it is every time. The game plan right now is we are just telling him about school events and told him Lukis is going to a psychologist and documenting Lukis's actions, words he uses and things he says.