Must take my child to all extra curricular activites, even on my weekend,

[backwardsbike]

Hi!  I might get flamed for this so I am putting on my flame retardant suit.  But i deal with exactly the same issue!  I am a NCM,

Dad signs the kids up for all kinds of things and i must be the Taxi ATM when they are here.  And I have evidence that HE doesn'tt ake them tot hese things on HIS OWN weekends!  The judge doesn't care,

These judges have way too much discretion.  I have never said I would n'tt ake them tot things, i just asked for compensatory time.  i mean come on.  if I get 48 hours EOW adn the kids have activities that take up more than one day when do i get to be a parent?  X has not been made to give comensatory time yet!  Go figure.

Sorry I have no advice, But I thought you might like to know you aren'tt he only one.

[melissa3]

No flames here, I totally agree with you!!

Both parents have the right to parent their children and neither parent should be granted absolute control unless the other is completly inept.

If one parent wants their kids in everything under the sun and wants these activities to be done on the other parents time then that parent either needs to be slapped or be willing to negotiate make-up time for  time missed.

If its really the child's idea/wish to be in these activites then both parents need to be there to support them, whether or not it cuts into visitation time.

Backwardsbike - I agree with you 100% but I would like to add something about being able to have parenting time. You can be a parent to your child anytime, anywhere. Just becuase they aren't interacting with you during visitation time it does not mean you aren't bonding. Kids looooove to know their parents support them and they loooooove to make parents proud. They also loooove when you show genuine interest in what they do so just showing up to a game/recital/performance really means the world to them. So, when an spiteful/vengeful ex pulls a nasty stunt use it to get closer to your child.

Where there is a will, there is a way.....

[backwardsbike]

Thanks for the advice.  it is sometimes hard to remeber.  I am a hands on mom.  The kind who made al the preschool snacks by hand and ddi science experiemnts with my kids each afternoon after schhol.  being a mom is the only thing I ever really wanted to do.

Now i am prevented froms eeing my kids more than EOW.  I get 48 hours twice a month!  That's it.  And my kids stil need me.  They discuss things with me they never would with their dad and SM.  They need my insight and support.

With all the running around and having them off witht he schout master there isn't much time for the rest of it and its he rest of it that I see as more imporatnat.  Especailly when CP doesn't send them to the schout stuff on HIS time!

Alientation plays a big part in y case.  Is pend all my time just trying to maintain a realationship with my kids and try to foster realtionships with them and thier younger sibs.  Hey, soomeday I'll be dead, its the yunger kids who will beome the family when that happends.  If the bonds are n't made now, these kids will fins themselves alone in the world.

I don't want that!

[dearsirena]

ex's who do things out of spite and not in the best interest of the children!  My Skids never participated in sports until the divorce.  It was then used as an excuse why they couldn't go see dad (we live in a different state 2000K miles away).  My DH's ex would pump them up how they HAD to go to every sporting event however, it was discovered that leaving their town to visit friends across the states was just hunky dory and missing sports for that was just fine!!

Then on top of that it wasn't a soccer season only.  It was basketball, track and DH's ex even signed them up for YMCA community stuff (the more they had going on the more they couldn't see dad!!)

We were fortunate and had the judge backed us after proving malicious behavior (director of the Catholic school sided that visiting dad was more important than sports).  He believe that the order was God, Family, School, Athletics and it helped us in court.  There has to be a balance and often the other parent doesn't get help such as this case I read here.

[oklahoma]

What is best for the child?  Soccer/sports is better for a child than quality time spent with his family?  What world are you living in?  My husband is ultra-sports fanatic, admits that sports probably kept him out of trouble (i.e. jail); he wants his kids to have the same experience and discipline. We have made last-minute changes in our plans to endure SDs get to a game or practice (difficult when we had to drive 4 hours one way for visits.)  But no way is it OK for an outside party--even a judge--to say that a parent must take his/her child to extracurricular activities.

(I apologize if someone further down has already said the same thing--but this one fired me up.)

[oklahoma]

I am dumbfounded that you would actually suggest purposefully leaving a child out of a family activity.  As NCP, I know you can't always have the kids with you--even on the court-ordered weekends!!  But to leave him behind and say "Life's not fair."  That is just cold.  And I would suggest far more damaging than asking him to skip soccer (it may not be a guilt trip--maybe his son just isn't that much into soccer--it does happen....)

BM has not allowed us to see my SDs for nearly a year, nor has she allowed any contact.  (I got through once on the phone, while BM was at work, and the next day our phone number was blocked.)  So we wrote happy little "wish you were here" letters--half expecting them not to make it to SDs--and in return we have recieved one letter from each SD, begging us not to write because it hurts their feelings and makes them so angry.  Now, we can recognize that BM and counselors have been helping SDs see things a little skewed, but can you imagine what the response would be to just leaving them behind on purpose for a trip to the Poconos? (Of course that would be a HUGE trip for us, since we are in Oregon....)

[ocean]

Yes, but these two parents can not get along so the judge had to step in and say the child can particiapte in sports on both parents weekends. He stated that child wanted to play but father wants to take him away EVERY weekend he has him. Just like your husband got to play and you made sacrificies for your SD, so should he. Once in a while, you skip to go away, we all did that because that was the best for the family. Many children sign-up for one or two  activities a season. We all have to shuttle the kids around as they get older, it is part of being a parent.

[oklahoma]

Being a parent is having a say in what activities your child participates in, and encouraging your child in activities he or she enjoys--fishing, boating camping, just as much as soccer.  Not just driving them to those activities.  The judge overstepped his bound by dictating HOW this dad is parenting--a dad who obviously is providing well for his child, not being neglectful or harmful, simply making a different choice than what his ex-wife wants (go figure!!)

Last night on the Olympics, they featured an ice skater from Turkey--they very first one ever to skate in the Olympics.  Her parents gave up successful jobs and moved to another country so that their daughter could pursue the sport.  Great story!  Great parents!  They could have just as easily chosen to stay in Turkey, live much more comfortably, and let their daughter pursue other interests.  I'm sure she would have turned out great.  The point is the PARENTS made the decision, not a JUDGE.

[ocean]

Parents should make that choice so why can't the mother sign him up for soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring? The child wants to play the sports and at 10 years old, he should not be missing every other week games. If he continues to play sports in a few years, they will bench him from not being there.  Each season is 10 weeks so we are only talking about 5 times a season for each. Parents should make these decisions but these two parents do not agree and asked for a judge to decide. I have been on both sides of this and can see both sides. Bottom line is that if the parents are going ot fight each other every step of the way, they will have a judge making a lot of future decisions.

[lawless]

I don't think the suggestion was to purposefully leave the child out of a family activity.  The suggestion was for Dad to go on his weekend trips on the weeks when the Mom has the child and to stay in town and participate in the sports events when he has the child.  This would not be leaving him behind as he is with his Mom.

It is important to keep sending the children notes even if they don't want them.  Remind them constantly that they are loved and when they grow up, they will remember this.  Keep plugging.  It does eventually make a difference.  This is the advice we are getting from my SDs' counselors.  Never stop communicating!  Have you read "Divorce Poison"?  It has been a helpful book for us.
Lawless