Help!!! VERY STICKY situation!!!

[Missmel44]

Hello everyone, I am new on here so please bare with me !
Here is my situation, I am engaged to a very wonderful man, we both just graduated from college and he has a very succesfull career while I start work on my masters. 2 weeks before I met my fiance he had a one night stand, the woman thought that because they had sex they were "dating" he explained that he was not interested and she went on about her life as did he. In May 2007 we received a phone call saying that he was a father and he needed to man up because this woman had given birth in April to a baby boy. We thought it was a joke and brushed it off, then the text messages came, telling us again about the baby and what not. He still being confused asked this woman if rather than text messages could she call him and talk about this, she never called. SHE NEVER TOLD HIM SHE WAS PREGNANT!! 3 months go by and we are served with papers demanding he declare himself the father and start paying CS. Paternity was proven and we were happy to start paying CS and wanted to meet the baby. We hired a top lawyer to get us involved with the baby.

Here is where it all gets shady...We knew NOTHING about this woman, we knew her name that was it. She would not let the state give us her information so we could talk with her, we hired a private investigator who found that the address she listed in the court papers, is her aunts house, she does not even live there. The aunt gave us her cell phone number and we already knew she was living on welfare with the baby and her other child who was about to turn 2. My fiance called her to talk about all this and to see how the baby was doing, since up to this point she had not told us anything or even attempted to let us interact with the baby. When my fiance spoke with her she was very excited and said she really wanted him to be a part of the babys life, he then explained that he was getting married. From then on things hit the roof, she wont return our phone calls, bails on visitations, she told us the baby had an ear infection and his doctor said he could not travel, double checked with his doctor and they have not seen the baby in 6 months!!! So she is lying about everything. She wont sign the CS papers, the resedential schedule, she is living with her sister and her 3 kids and their mother in low income housing, a 2 bedroom apartment for 5 kids and 3 adults!!! The state has called and called trying to get her to sign the papers, but she wont come in or return the calls. They informed her they were placing her on Non Compliance and now my fiance and I are going to court to have the judge sign the papers so we can start seeing the baby. That threat did nothing to deter the mother, she still will not comply. We would like to have full custody, since we have a stable home, good jobs, nice income and so on. We want more than anything to give this baby a good home and love him. In addition the mothers story changes when we do get to talk to her, one week the baby was 18lbs and 18 inches, didnt eat any baby food and was drinking cows milk at 8 months. The next week he is 26 inches, hates peaches and ham and gravy baby food and god forbid no he is not on cows milk. She is always lying and now that we have to go to court it is going to cost an arm and a leg!!! I have never heard of a mother who is getting aid doing this, she will lose her money! Any suggestions from anyone would be great..and I am sorry this is so long, this is the condensed version too!

thanks

[mistoffolees]

Stick with your attorney and get the court to order something. It's obvious that you can't rely on what she tells you, so don't even try.

If she continues to let you see the child, file for a change in custody on the basis of her failing to do what's best for the child (such as letting the father see the child and not ensuring proper medical care). You may even have enough for that now.

One piece of advice. You stated at least once that 'my fiancee and I' are going to court. Sorry, but that's just plain wrong. This is between your fiancee and the BM. You have absolutely no standing. If you try to take part in the action, it's going to make your fiancee look bad in front of the court. The only way that you'd have any role is if you were adopting the child, but that doesn't happen unless the BM gives up parental rights  - which is not very likely to happen.

[Missmel44]

Thank you so much for your advice on this topic, however I disagree with you in response that this is strictly between the BM and my fiancée. We were instructed to fight this together with myself taking part in all proceedings. It shows a united front and a willing and loving family wanting to give him a safe and happy home. We were even asked to elope, that way we are married now, yet still have our big wedding on the date already set. Because of my fiancée's job, I am the one that talks with the lawyers, does the faxing, the searching and detecting and the crying due to the emotional toll this has taken.  I have been a part of this from day one, taking parenting classes, preparing a nursery, ect.  So if I were to have nothing to do with this action, it would appear that our home is no better than the life that the baby is currently chained to. We were finally able to meet the baby for the first time,  I was sweet and nice and initiated conversation with a woman who made it very clear that she was entitled to my fiancée and my life. I will continue to show my support and stand next to my fiancée and fight for this baby. If given the opportunity would you not want your child to get out of a poverty ridden life? Away from the constant coming and goings of random men in and out of their mother's bed, I think you get my point. I am sure she is a good mother, but a woman who has a 3 month old baby home, is breastfeeding and goes out to a bar, becomes extremely intoxicated and thinks that it is okay to have sex with a total stranger, gets pregnant with a second child and in the process tells the man that she prefers no condoms and is on birth control, goes as far as to show him the package, is not the type of person I would want a child to learn life's morals, standards and etiquette from. In addition, this woman and her ENTIRE family suck off the tit of the welfare system and frankly I think it is wrong and am aware of the life that is available to him in this household and want him to have access to it.

[mistoffolees]

>Thank you so much for your advice on this topic, however I
>disagree with you in response that this is strictly between
>the BM and my fiancée.

Disagree all you want. Legally, a step-parent has no standing. If you get in front of the judge and start trying to throw your 2 cents worth in, the judge has every right to tell you to get lost.

You are, of course, entitled and expected to do what you can in the background to be supportive and make a good home. But you have no place in the legal proceedings because you are not the child's parent.

[Missmel44]

Okay I am guessing there has been some major confusion here, where in my statement did I say, I was going to talk to the judge, I was going to plead our case? I didn't, I know better than to open my mouth to a judge about a child that is not mine! I said "my fiancée and I are going to court", because we are! WE will be there, WE will be in the lawyer's office together, I talk to the lawyer and I am the one that does all the work. HOWEVER when in court, I will sit politely and speak only when spoken too. I know my legal rights and I am well aware of what a judge will and will not say to me. I do have a degree in law and justice myself, and if I specialized in family law I would be doing this all myself, EVEN though it would be a huge conflict of interest. Not that it is any business of yours, I am the one that has to do all of this research and coordinating because of the sensitive nature of my fiancées job, there are no phone calls home during the day, there are no days off in the middle of the week for court hearings and so on, ect. Perhaps I am passionate about this case because the mother drank and did drugs well into her 2nd trimester with the baby. She smokes while holding him on her lap, the list goes on. But not one place in my post did I say "I" was talking to a judge, no no it says WE and if you and anyone have ever gone to a shopping a mall, and someone asked you what you did, I am a 100% sure you said " We went to the mall" , so please do not misconstrue my words. I wanted advice on the situation; it is not a very common one and wanted to inquire if others had heard of something like this before. Even with my law experience I could not find a thing. SO I am apologizing for your confusion, but your words sting and make a touchy situation all the more uncomfortable.

[cinb85]

nm

[Giggles]

Welcome to family court and I suggest you get some tougher skin because many things in "Family" law don't make sense.

You can have tons of proof that the BM is horrible, but to some judges it's a matter of a difference in parenting styles.  Many judges are biased toward women and will rule against a great father just cuz.

The "Family" system is seriously flawed and you have a long road ahead.  It's great that you and fiancee want to be in this childs life, just be prepared to accept the things that just don't makes logical sense or aren't fair!!!

In order for you to get that baby removed you will need some serious proof of her not doing what is in the best interest of the child.   You may think you can do that, but it's difficult to convince a judge of that!!  As long as the child has a roof over its head, food and clothing...even if it's horrible food and clothing...it's a matter of parenting difference...see where I'm going here....

Good luck!!

[Missmel44]

You are right this is a very long road and I thank you all for your  advice, I'm not here to argue, I really am here to learn from others. In regards to the " roof over its head" comment, that is just it, this woman and her children do not have a home, they float to random places, who ever will take them in for that night is where they will stay. I can see that judges dont make the best choices, but all that aside and I ask this next  question with all seriousness, what makes the mother the better choice, why does the judicial system always leave a child with its mother? I know she carried them in her womb and in some cases, there is the breastfeeding issue, but when you boil it all down, why mommy and not daddy? Oh and would it be an option to right into the parenting plan that at an appropriate age the child can choose where he wants to live?

[mistoffolees]

>Okay I am guessing there has been some major confusion here,
>where in my statement did I say, I was going to talk to the
>judge, I was going to plead our case?

For example, in your original post, you stated "We would like to have full custody".  Sorry, but 'we' (you and your fiancee) can not have custody. The father and mother will have custody.

Throughout your post, you kept talking about all the things 'we' were doing.

If you're staying out of it from the legal side, that's all I was trying to suggest. But your original post sure read like you were personally involved in the legal side and I was just giving a friendly warning.

And you might want to get a thicker skin. No one attacked you yet you're responding in a very hostile way ("not that it is any business of yours" when I never asked - nor do I care). Dealing with custody matter is stressful enough without flying off the handle when someone tries to give you advice.

[Davy]

Whoa !  when I first read the OP (original post) I thought how blessed this child and man were to have a very understanding, gracious and intelligent real female involved in their life.  When she used terms like 'we' my interpretation was one of 'bonding' for the well-being of her financee and moreover authentic well being and focus on the child.

I consider her posts are both admirable and inspirational.  Like most folks she came to this board for support and to learn and to share.  I suspect she is wisely researching in an attempt to discover what to expect.  Appropriately I think she considers herself as an assistant and helping hand.  I do think they have good advice from their attorney concerning her presence in this matter as an attractive alternative to a money-grabbing child-abusing government custodial preference.  

Some considerations in this matter.  Assumming paternity is scientifically verified, consider full custody rather than visitation  except supervised vistation for the birth mother.  Document and orgainize any and all events, observed behaviors, etc. For example, most MAY consider hiding the pregnancy from the father until after the birth (and probably discovering the $$$ entitlement was  not good enough) goes towards her unfitness as a parent.  The articles section (bottom of page) on this board MAY contain a lot of of good information for the newbee.

Also noteworthy, decide what you want in the end as is in the true best interest of the child's life, then stratigized, plan and execute to obtain that goal.  FOR EXAMPLE, start with frequent visitation then move for full custody. Dcoument everything from the beginning.

AND continue to post.  There may be some posters that berate and are controntational  then twist and turn your posts onto themselves for sake of arguement to stroke their own egos.  You are not the first newbee to call someone out.  Just stay focused on the subect matter at hand and hope he/she/it goes away.

Best of luck in all you're doing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!