Just want to know what people think...

[Jeepnut67]

I am new to this site and like what I've read so far. This may get long so please bear with me.

In early November my ex and I had a disagreement and I grabbed my son and some of my stuff, including my computer and went to my parents an hour away. I even left a note saying I would be back in a day or two. She showed up a couple hours later and took our son back with her and said she'd be back up in a couple days to get me. Well after she got home she left a message on my cell phone saying that since I took all my personal belongings I moved out, she was changing the locks and filing for divorce. Ever since then she has fought me for my visitation time with my son, who is now 20 months old. Things were going ok for a while because I was working weekdays and picked him up for the weekends. Well except the times she complained she didnt have any time with our son, since he was in daycare while she had him, and she put him to bed a couple hours after she got home from work. About a month ago I changed jobs to one that is a lot closer to where I am now, and its on weekends mostly so I figured I could see my son more often. No..... I have seen him less since the change. When I asked her why I couldnt have him more she said "He is used to being in the daycare since he was 4 weeks old" or complained that she had only had him for 2 days that week and my schedule was changing still when it was 4 days she had him and my schedule wasnt changing. Personally I would rather have him with me on weekdays than have him stuck in a daycare, even if she works there (in a different room than he is in). Four different times she denied me my visits with my son, all for stupid reasons she concocted. One time she threatened to get custody set by the courts, which I found out later that she would have to see the judge to do so here in AZ. I have considered just not taking him back to her after one of her visits because custody is not set yet, we havent had our first court appearance. I probably should mention one thing.. She is a verbally and mentally abusive person, she is very inconsitent with her 3 older boys who are all teens. They have all been in trouble at school, and with the law, they all smoke and have/or still do drugs and drink. I have pictures of the middle teens bedroom with beer cans all over it, anti-christ symbols on the wall and porno DVDs laying around. I could go on for a while. Three times when our baby was clmbing all over her I watched her toss him to the side in frustration, then saying "I cant handle this right now you take him". None of this is as serious as some of the things I've read here but I sure dont want my son growing up with her influence. She has a history of her kids wanting to move off with their dads too. One went to his natural fathers and another moved in with his fathers for a couple months and came back.

One questions I do have, since I dont have any physical proof of her VA, but have written a lot of it down as it happened. Do you all think I have a good chance to get majority joint custody at least? Should I go before the judge and see about getting temporary custody set?

[tjraid18]

 I just have opinions. Also I'm new here too. If there is no physical or legal custody set up through the court, then if you were to have your son for a visit, and decide not to take him back untill custody was established through the court, there would be nothing legally she could do about it---- other than to file through the court for visitation/custody. The longer your child is established with one parent does seem to have a lot of bearing in court. They like to see stability. You might call the sherrif & or police department and ask about what would happen in this situation anonymously. Either that, or keep things the way they are and file for joint- custody/ custody and take your chances. Consult with an attorney(FAMILY LAW) for $35 to $50.00 and find out your options. Good luck!

[Peanutsdad]

Family court isnt about what you know, or how evil the other parent is/isnt. It's about what can be proved. She could be the most horrible parent ever,, but unless you have police records, cps investigations, ect ect,,,,it all boils down to a screaming he said she said match.

with that kind of case, overwhelmingly, the decisions go in favor of mom.


Now,, no motions have been filed with the court yet? Neither of you has any court orders for possession or visitation? If so,, get it filed NOW.



Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm

Suggestions When Falsely Accused
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm

Dealing With Threats Of False Allegations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/blackmail.htm



One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.

[MYSONSDAD]

Check your state statues,  but with no paper work in place, I would take him. You are better for your child then a daycare. Take him straight to your parents house, if she wants to visit him, she can do it while they are there. Do not let her take him on her own. And do not take him to see her. Too many times, she will call the cops and you will be out. She would lie thru her teeth and then you lose.

I would also find the best damned family attorney you can. File as soon as possible. And Cover your butt on this.

I also find it interesting that two of her other kids are with their dads, that should go a long way in court.

"Children learn what they live"

[starrdust]

Hi, I just join this site and I read your letter.  First let me address that I am a female and I am not here to critized the males.  But I must address to you to one of your responses in reference to your case.  
I have a friend who has raised her 11 year old daughter all her years.
The father of this child, denied his parental connection with this child.
When the times got tough for my friend, she filed for help.  They wanted to go after the father for child support.  The child father strongly felt he was not the father and agreed to having an DNA done.  Test results - 98.6 % of his genes.  2 weeks later he took my friend to court for custody and was granted temporary custody, with my friend having to pay child support and getting supervised visitation rights.   Regardless of what anyone tells you, no one, male or female has the scale weighing on their side.  It all depends all the attitude of the judge you get for that hearing.  Attorney's have no heart for your case, just for your wallet.  And keep in mind, if the judge knows the attorney in a favorable way, you have a better chance.  The court system is below a grade level that is not even teach in daycare.  Also request a guardian of lyndum (whatever they are) outside the list the judge signs you too.  These people make a $100.00 an hour free money, they are suppose to see what is in the best interest of the children.  Can not understand how weeks and months laters nothing has been done but the debt they have put you in, just so you can be in YOUR CHILD LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sorry for laying this on you, but I am asking all loving parents (fathers and mothers) who indeed care about their child/ren, to discard resentments, revenge, hatred, etc... on the child other parent and to work out an agreement based on the child.  We all forget so easily, that the green paper has no heart, but makes for the worst enemy.   A child's heart is overflowing with love which will always be yours.  Let no one take that away.  As long as we as parents fight over custody, support, etc.  and cannot come to a mutally agreement, that child too will become someone enemy.

Thank You and God Bless!!!!

Starrdust.

 

[MYSONSDAD]

I think the reason we ARE here is because we are trying to put our kids first. We love and care so much, we are looking for better ways and answers.

Many of us here have limited access to our children. Not by choice. Many have vindictive ex's that will stop at nothing to keep the non-custodials [male and female] from their kids. And I think we are all pretty aware of the family courts and how they work.

Myself personally, am not the one with resentment, hatred and revenge. I am here because I strongly think every fit parent should have 50/50 time, responsibility and a say in all matters of their children.

You will also find, many here are women. They are either second wives, grandmothers and girlfriends that know TOO well what happens in court and how it affects the kids. They are well educated on how the courts look at fathers. Many are fighting like hell for their spouses. We are very blessed to have their input.

In a 'perfect world' everyone would love one another and show eachother respect, there would be no wars, there would be no divorce, there would be no custody conflicts, But, we do not live in a perfect world....

p.s. Send your friend this site, we have many Mothers who are also non-custodials.

"children learn what they live"

[Jeepnut67]

Well the 12 year old is with his father as we speak. She was telling him that he could go live with his father many times, then tell him he couldnt, near the end she actually told him if he didnt behave he would get sent to his fathers. Well he didnt behave and brought some medicines out of the medicine cabinet to school and handed them out to the other students. The 18 year old was sent to his Aunts in Texas because he attempted suicide and was doing drugs... he went to counseling and had attempted suicide 2 times since I've known him. He was the one that went to see his natural father in Georgia recently, but is back now.

I have been trying to find someone who doesnt cost as much as an attorney to help, I cant use legal aid because she is already talking to them, and I only make $700 a month so I cant afford to pay one anyways. Unless they take payments.

I called the court clerks here in AZ and they have an emergency custody order that requires me to go in front of the judge and pay a  $166 fee. Dont know if there is just something to set custody to a certain schedule otherwise though. I have been running into a lot of deadends trying to figure out what I can and cannot do, and what she can and cannot do.

Will I be able to go to the police and get records of the times the 15 yo was picked up late at night and also the time the 18 yo was accused of keying a car? Or do you all think the school will have to release information about the pill incident since I am just the step-father of that child? I live 50 miles outside of the town this all happened in so it isnt just a short joureny to go do these things.

One thing I am doing is writing down a lot of the evidence I am going to present in court and having it notarized and filed before my court hearing. Should help a little with the he said she said yelling match if I am just reiterating some things that were written down weeks ahead of time.

Thanks for your help so far.

Dave

[gipsy]

Agreed ,with above post: I have been through the process , And I have [had] a good atty, that did have a father , client, that TOOK  a child from that sort of situation ,My atty said I could come watch him in trial , And My atty was a great cross examiner , And won the case and dad got custody , I agree with the post I responded to , However You always have to remmember , there are Many, Many, circumstances the make a case come out the way they do , And moms are favored period , You Do need to find out what the police juridiction is In your state , they have zero jurisdiction and generally do not show up for these type of cases and if they do, Here[ wash state ]I personally know a person that did not let the police in, and kept the kids ,And won , the police have no juridiction here ,
      An  atty won't generally tell you to take the child ,Unlees you believe the child is in danger , and that belief is sort of at your discretion ,  But , What I recommend is that You  go interview A few atty's And don't hire any atty that wants you to hire them right away , Do interview a few atty's . And when you do ask those atty's if they know any good atty's that you could also interview , And do ask them if they stand for fathers rights , If they stumble at all on that question move on, Read through this site , MY OPINION is hire an atty that tells you what the basic process is for your state , I did and it was a good decision , And thats an atty that just tells it like it is , Here for example the basic process is this ,
    The judge will do nothing in a custody case with out seeing a Guardian ad Litem report , Thats because a long time ago the courts realised that when two atty's go to court they are apposing each parent , and representing the paying parent , The court realized this is not fair to the child , So they started the Guardian ad Litem / parenting investigater program , So the basic idea is this GAL will report based on information they go out and obtain from both you and the other parent , they will interview people and visit you and her with the child , So now don;t think this is anything close to fair iether , They still are biassed toward the mother , But I will tell you my expierience with my case haveing had two GAL's appointed etc , First report was basic, the GAL talked to my witnesses , Her witnesses and checked for police reports , and visited me at my home , And put out a straight forward report that said mom gets custody and dad gets visits , Second GAL was a f/up and took sides and is so goofy that there has been numerous reports against her and I do not believe she is a GAL any more but her report went through , soooo Here is what I learned and you have to get it through Your head , The he said she said is old hat to these investigaters , Your best bet is to be a good parent and don;t do any thing against mom or talk too much crap about her , For the most part you need to show that You are a good parent , If Mom talks crap about you , thats actualy better , She is expressing bad will . Not too say, like if Mom pulls some crap that You don't want to contact the GAL , But be selective and you want what shows her to be a bad parent to be your point ,You also want to Make sure you show that you do things with your child , Have toys a bed a place made up for the child , , So heres the deal . If you get through the GAL part with a good report then , You did good and you have a chance , In My case I would have done much better not responding to Moms crap , It seems that Mom can pull some crap and thats sort of acceptable , BUT if you react then you suffer , If she pulls crap let her Just have a good atty and get good advice , I think you have a chance , If you get an atty that say's this is the process . You get a GAL then go to trial then you probably have a no nonsense atty , I know people that spent 30K My psycho spent 20 K Plus some , And her atty didn;'t really do crap , It was my mistakes that screwed me up for custody ,but the bottom line is this , Get an atty that shoots straight , And say;s he will charge 3 to 5 K ,Appoint a GAL and take mom to trial . Because as I explained thats the process and for good reasons , It doesn't sound like there is some huge issue here that needs the dream team atty's , If the GAL finds the things you say to be true she will report that to the court , I Believe that Based on Your schedule You will get a recomendation that say;s you get time with Your child when your Weekday schedule permits , Judges generally don't do stupid crap ,If you understand it like this , You are going to the judge because Moms being difficult and you now need the judge to order this schedule , THAT MAKES Sense , the judge will do it ! I have a friend that works swing shift and the judge ordered a schedule that works , This is not some wierd system . I believ most people screw up there own case , I did to a degree by Interacting in the BS , DON"T do IT , Just concenterate on being the BEST parent , Talk good about Mom to the kid , The best thing that could happen to you would be that the child tells the GAL Mom talks crap about Dad , And dad talks good about Mom , Yes Your child is too young to talk But My case was from an early age , And He began to talk and You don't want him saying the wrong things to the GAL , this can be a LONG ride , But the best  attitude you can have is , Its more time for Mom to screw up , And don't be the one to screw up ,Basically what You need right now is a court order for your visits , Mom is not going to cooperate , So you have to get a judge , or commissioner to order the visits , Thats really not too hard , ,, You just go file a proposed parenting plan to the court , If she disagrees , then You should have also filed a MOTION TO APPOINT GAL OR PARENTING INVESTIGATER ,
Thats it here in wash And some atty's charge a ton for that , Get an atty that just tells you what needs to be filed and doesn;t act like its a big tricky deal , And seems cool , And as the last note don't be surprised if you find that atty's , GALS or other wise in the court show indiferreance to all the stuff you say about Mom , They want the facts , Can you prove to the court she is a BAD parent or not ?And they want the GAL report . If you have proof you give it too the GAL , And let the GAL tell the court , And the GALS accept all kinds of stuff that the court doesn't , Like they accepted trumped up letters from people that I have never
seen , Or talked to , I am not sugesting any thing But , My psycho pulled that crap on me , I would not do that , But if You could get a legitimate testimony in letter form from a friend that has witnessed abuse of the child By mom I would give it to the GAL ,

[MYSONSDAD]

In my State, Police records are public. So, with any luck you should be able to get the reports. Do you have the dates? Call first, to double check. The school records are a different story. You might hit a brick wall with that. Would the other two fathers speak on your behalf? What about teachers or counselors at the school?

Check around for attorneys. They sometimes offer free consultation and you might be able to pick up some much needed info. You might also find one that will take montly payments. Something you could do is volunteer at a local Legal Aid Society. After you have been there a while, start picking their brains. At present, you may not have the time to take this route.

That is great that you are documenting. Sparc has a time tracker you can download for free. Then you have Parenting time. net. You have to pay for it, but is worth the cost. Another trick might be, e-mail your documentation to someone you trust and that will testify to the date and time the e-mail was sent. At least you would show more truth to the fact, the event occurred.

Always have someone with you when you meet with her. Check your state for taping laws. If you can tape, TAPE. Use a camcorder if you have one. Keep a camera in the car. I have missed many a 'Kodak Moment'

I am sure there are a few people here from Az. They can help you with the laws for your State. Put in the subject line, your state. I would also go to the State boards and post.

Goggle search your state laws, they may also have a help site for people going thru divorce and child custody. It would give you some idea of what to expect. There are hundreds of great articles here. You might want to read those.

One of the biggest mistakes I made, was not taking my son before any papers were in place. I did not know the laws. Now, I am in a full blown custody battle.

[tjraid18]

Hi stardust. I'm new here too and like to see other people sharing thoughts. Just wanted to say that I have personally experienced the tipped scales. I have seen a few situations that were equal but have seen many that were outright criminal in their treatment of the estranged father. Also- the judge presiding in my county is as fair as I could ask. And the first thing my lawyer told me was Don't trust lawyers, were all just out for your money. This guy was as good as gold, for the limited things I was able to afford to have him help me with. Your right-- every circumstance is different. Your point at the end of your post about both parents putting the kids needs first is huge. I think that should be the #1 consideration in a courtroom. Not who has more money. Or the nicest car. Or the biggest bedroom for the kids. The parent thats putting the childs emotional, spiritual, mental and physical needs first; should be the parent who's viewed as better for the well being of the child. If both parents put these needs first instead of their own- then all the better. I'm not advocating taking a baby from it's mother, but I am also not a fan of the mothers taking the babies from their fathers. I just wish the kids did come first. I wish this conversation wasnt happening, and I was playing soccer with my son instead. Some people put their needs above everyone elses and make it really hard.